Bi-polar: Tears of Realization/stupidity

[shutterbug]

This is my first time in this forum. I was diagnosed with depression about 6 years ago when I couldn't get out of bed for months on end, but I wasn't diagnosed as bi-polar until about a year ago. The doc gave me meds and I quit taking them after a month or two (I have always hated taking meds and have a hard time remembering). I never thought much more about it until recently.

It's a hard pill to swallow in admitting to myself that I have a "mental health" problem. Depression is one thing (it's so common that I don't think of it that way.)

Anyway, I got into Al-anon about 2 months ago and thought, " I can handle this...yeah this is going to fix everything if I work it and stay with it." But then I started learning more about my codependency issues and (I'm having a hard time even writing this through the tears) and now I'm seeing for the first time how truely messed up I am.

I visited the "Mercurial Mind" site (Eveie listed this in the bi-polar chat post) and cried as I read it. I had convinced myself that the doctor didn't know what he was talking about because once I got on anti-depressants I was fine. And I have been pretty okay until lately.

I haven't been able to understand why suddenly getting up and functioning each day has become so hard all the sudden - even though I have been on anti-d's for the first time.

I would have already lost my job if I didn't have an A boss who understands some of the **** I'm going through.

I just feel like I am so ill that I will never even understand what is wrong with me. It seems like each week I find out something else that I should be on meds for or in theropy for and my insurance doesn't cover any kind of therapy.

I like the manic states, but I've been down for about a week and a half now. I'm going to try to go back to my doc in a day or two.

What really got me about the Web site is when he says that some days he has to really think about what red, yellow and green mean on a stop light. I don't know why and I don't understand it, but I know EXACTLY what he means.! I have a college degree from a Big 12 university and I ALWAYS get confused when using a fax machine. I feel so stupid. I know how to make it work...the problem is I can't remember if the page I'm sending is suppose to go face up or face down! So I have to always ask someone or send the fax twice to make sure it's right. - Either way I feel so stupid. I hid a note at one time for myself under the machine and then the machine was moved and I guess my note was thrown away.

I can work a $10,000 digital camera with all kinds of different buttons, symbols, lenses and a menu full of hundreds of different commands, but I can't remember how to send a damn fax!

I know very little about this condition since I basically ignored my doctor's diagnosis of me so any information or ANYTHING else that you guys might know of that is available would be greatly appreciated.

Overwhelmed,
Jenna

[lurkings]

Hi,
Well, I wish I had the right answers for you. I know how you feel though. mental illness in my family isn't well accepted. I have depression. I have been diagnoses with PTSD and Dissociative Identity disorder due to long lasting abuse. Feeling a lone for me has been worse and worse considering no one in my family understands. I am afraid to tell them.

I thought the note for the fax machine was a great idea. I run sound systems and play the guitar. I can, like you, run thousands of dollars worth of equipment but can't figure out how to get the VCR to record. I can't figure which way to run the wires. It is aggrivating.

With DID I am constantly putting things in different places. I came to get on the computer the other day and it was already on... I didn't do it. It is very difficult.

The frustration/anger part comes with the lack of hope that it can be fixed.

I think the most beneficial thing has been therapy for me. The best thing is they hear stuff like what we don't understand all the time (we are truely not alone) and a lot of people in that field aren't perfect just like us. I mean, my therapist was abused and she went to therapy at one time. She truely understands me. And she can help.

I wish I had a magical potion that makes us all understand our problems, accept them, and bulldoze through them. I still e-mail my T and ask her if she is still sure that I have the same things she thought I had.

Keep posting...

~Lurkings

[KelKel]

Hi Jenna
My name is Kel and I am an alcoholic who is grateful to be sober today.
A little over two years ago I was diagnosed Bi-polar and other mental disorders. My family has suspected this for many years.
Yes it is a hard pill to swallow knowing that we suffer from a mental disorder.
The first year they had me on so many different and powerful drugs that I was basically a zombie. I felt completely numb.
It has taken a lot of work to find what works for me and how best to deal with my depression. I finally found a Dr. who would not over-prescribe meds and he took a hair sample to determine what my body was deficient in.
I take zoloft and nutritional supplements and they seem to be working pretty well for me.
It runs in my family and I realize that it is something that I will most likely always have to deal with.
I have found coming here to SoberRecovery and trying to get spiritually fit has been a tremendous help to me.
I fear those times when I just can't seem to rise above the dark cloud and manage to even get out of bed...but so far so good.
So you are not alone and we are here for you...
I look forward to having you around,

[MootPoint]

Hey Jenna

I'm Ann, diagnosed with major recurrent depression, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, DIDnos.

I wish I could help you, but I can't. All I have to offer is support.

I can program a VCR Lurkings, if you want some advice LOL . But I can't work a fax either.

My S/O is bipolar so I've seen what she goes thru. It isn't pretty.

[shutterbug]

Thanks guys, I am glad I realized there is more to this site than just the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" forum.

I have a doctors apt. Tuesday and I am scared. I hate having to spill all the "messed" up things about myself to someone who is a stranger and is just waiting to get to the next patient. Actually, I've been seeing this same doctor for more than a year now and he's pretty nice. I just have a hard time laying it all out there like that. So with advice from my sponsor, I have made a list of things for him to know and/or things to talk to him about. So I'm just going to hand it to him and "Let go and let God!" (<-----That's my favorite quote)

Anyway, I've feeling better today. But reading all your posts has me a little scared. I mean what if the doc discovers something else is wrong with me in the process. I have even never heard of DID or recurrent depression. I'm just scared. No one has ever accused me of being a hypocondriac, but when it comes to this mental health stuff it scares the s**t out of me. In a way I don't want to know what I suffer from, but then if I don't then I can't ever get better. BUT I FEEL NORMAL (for the most part, anyway). I mean how can I be so messed up? I mean, I've always joked with friends by saying "Ya, I'm just a little I'm kooky." But now I'm having to come to the realization that I maybe A WHOLE LOT KOOKY!

I guess the part that scares me is knowing that some people are on disability and get hospitalized for this stuff. I don't know if I can handle all that. I mean, I go through cycles with work where I'm either going 90 mph a day or I'm poking around at a snails pace (by the time I get up to the starting line - everyone else has already finished the race. You know what I mean) But luckily I work with a boss and group of people that kinda understand (not totally), so they weigh my performance on the whole instead of one day at a time (or else I would be history by now and that REALLY scares the s**t out of me).

Anyway, I know I have to get into some individual theropy or whatever. I just really hate going through the whole medication trial and error thing - since I hate meds to begin with.

Anyway, thanks for all your support and for letting me know I'm not alone.

And PLEASE e-mail/ message me often if you can. I really need to feel cared about right now by people who understand.

KelKel - as always, you have a special way of always making me feel better. And I think I might ask my doctor Tuesday about trying the hair sample thing.

Love and May God Bless us ALL!
Jenna

[liveweyerd]

i am mentally ill. for years we have joked about me being crazy, finally this year i got tired of it and let everybody know it wasn't funny anymore.

i would like to be "normal" and it isn't my fault that i am not.

i used to take my meds and then when i felt better and my life started straightening out, i would decide i was well and would quit taking them. every time i would get sicker than i was before.
two things happened. a dr gave me a stern talking to about how it doesn't matter whether i like being on meds or not...and who was i?...did i think a diabetic liked giving themselves shots everyday?!
and two, i am not willing to get sick again, i don't know if i have another recovery in me. i might die instead.
in my wellness i asked them to double my dosage, because okay, i was getting out of bed, brushing my teeth and functioning...but i felt i could still be better. long way from refusing to accept my needs! so we doubled it and added another....and it is very good...to think that most people naturally feel this way...i had no idea!
honestly, i have been crying for 3 days...but it is not from illness, it is natural emotion. which is also pretty new to me. someone hurt me and i feel. damn, that is pretty normal!
i HATE having mental problems and my meds aren't a cure. but there are many things worse than the medicine side of it.
yeah, like being an intelligent idiot. who always loses important things and screws up jobs.
and looking from the outside in.
and the inescable stigma.
and parents who think i just need to get my sh*t together.
but how could i expect anyone "normal" to understand my illness and what it does to me. they don't and can't.
my son killed himself because he was sick and then added alcohol and crank into the equation. i know he just wanted to feel better....but one day he broke.
i am sick of being sick.....i am just glad that modern medicine can treat me.
thank god i was born in modern times!!!!!!!!!!!
none of it is easy and it doesn't ever fully go away, but i am better than i ever have been before and the most important thing i do everyday is to take my meds.

sorry if i went off on a rant.....i guess i just really identify.

[shutterbug]

Live: Thank you for sharing your situation with me. It helps me to hear the stories of others who can relate.

I feel trapped inside myself right now. I am normally a talkative person when it comes to my caotic life and problems (you know....the me, me, me/ codependent/victim disorder...kidding, kinda). But it's so hard to talk to any of my family, friends or co-workers about my recovery in Alanon or my codependency issues, my severe depression and NOW my bipolar disorder!

It's all hitting me at once. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I'm not superwoman here!

I go through my days (and nights) feeling like I am sleep-walking or something. I don't talk much anymore - to anyone except you guys because I can WRITE my thoughts out all day. It's almost like the act of forming words and transmitting them into my mouth to make sounds is too much work, but yet I'm sitting here typing away. It doesn't make sense.

And I've come to realize some cycles of my disorder in my past - like 12 years ago. My family and I both blamed my anger/violence/irritability on outside stimuli. There are 2 times during those 12 years that stand out to me now as I look back with more knowledge.

And I'm scared that I am heading into another sever episode right now. I could be wrong, but the way I see it I am a rapid cycler who has a seemingly nerveous brakedown every 5-7 years where I fly of the handle at small or non-existent indescrepencies against me.

I am normally a very non-violent, sweet and caring person who empathizes easily with people so I am aware of how my words and/or actions may hurt them and I avoid such behaviors. I barely remember anything about these episodes, but the ones I hurt remember quite a bit. I guess I just have to prepare them by letting them know in advance that I may become irrational and easily angered during this time in my life.

I don't know? So many thoughts and I can't describe most of them.

I'll come down off my pity hill now. Sorry.
Jenna

[WATCHMAN]

Really everyone has some excess baggage. Especially in today's society! I think what the pity is: That the docs disperse pills so quickly exactly like they diagnose things. But we have to bere the responsibility for that, it is our mind. We are a society of quickfix's. Back whenever folks just really were able to grab the bull by the horns and ride it out, but nowadays the docs increase our awareness that a little colored jelly-bean will take care of anything, and yes we are to wideyed open for the quickfixing. Taking nothing away from real mental illness's there are meds that do work, but there's always the sideffects to be concerned with and some of those sideffects are more harmfull than beneficial.

You are not alone by far, the entire world has got some kind of phobia's, be it imagined or realistic. Hang it tuff shutterbug remember there's "God" and He is always watching over us, you can run the course, I'll remember you to Him today, I'm WATCHMAN nice to meet you don't forget-------God!

[shutterbug]

Watchman,

thank so much for the prayers. You remind me of a friend of mine.

I too agree about the docs throwing any and every pill at us. (I'm being medicated for the bipolar for the first time really in my life). I am very weary of it and try to take precautions by knowing what the severe side-effects are, making sure I'm not being given addictive type prescribtions, etc, but I want to be as normal as possible and with that I have to be on some kind of meds. Not sure which will end up being the best for me in the end, but all I can do is try and let God do the rest. I'll do mine and he'll do his.

I also feel a little crazier on the meds than unmedicated (other than for depression that is). Sometimes I think people get put on weird meds that make them act crazier than they are so they are diagnosed with something worse than they started with... which usually means psycotic drugs to "fix" the imbalance - AND by the time the doctors get done messing with people and their meds they are so far gone into left field that you would hardle know there use to be a person inside there. Know what I mean. That's what I think I'm most scared of.

My God is an awsome God and for the first time in my life, I have no hesitations saying that to anyone, because he has been working so many miricles in my life and sending me so many angels --- so I KNOW he is hearing ALL those prayers!!!!!!!!! I know he has a plan for me that he will reveal in his time. It's just the paying my dues and getting my butt throught this physically (and emotionally and financially and intellectually) draining time that is the hard part. Trusting him is an easy one.

Thanks again Watchman and everyone else. I will be taking it easy at home in recovery for a while so I don't know when I will get back to chat. Who knows though it could be tomorrow for all I know.

God Bless

[Prepjackie]

Hi Jenna,

Your story and where your at sounds just like me. I ran a manufacturing company and now it's a wonder if I can get to the store and back without freaking out or getting lost. Our illness is crippling and debilitating, until we get our meds under control, but even at that, our meds only maintain our illness to a certain point it doesn't take our illness away. I will always be bp 1, manic depressive with pyscotic episodes.

One of the greatest hurdles I had to cross was one of acceptance. I am a recovering alcoholic and when I became sober 5/12/02, thats when I started to peel the onion and the layers just kept falling off and acceptance was one of the hardest regarding "mental health." Not alcoholism, but my illness and when I did there was a peace that started to fall upon me and through me and if you are like me, working a program, you can do a 4th step on this very issue of bp. Its hard to carry a label, so just dont. Your carry your own label, no one is putting it there on you.

Surround yourself with loving people, educate your self as much as you can about bp, knowledge is power, pray to the God of your understanding to lead, guide and protect you and give you the answers that you need.

I watched a special last night on Dateline and it was about Jane Paulie and her life and living with bp. It was awesom.

All we can do Jenna is take it one day at a time. We have today, right now, not yesterday, not tomorrow, but right now. You are loved and you are blessed and you are never alone, only you can make the choices to be or not to be.

Prepjackie

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by Prepjackie

Hi Jenna,

Your story and where your at sounds just like me. I ran a manufacturing company and now it's a wonder if I can get to the store and back without freaking out or getting lost. Our illness is crippling and debilitating, until we get our meds under control, but even at that, our meds only maintain our illness to a certain point it doesn't take our illness away. I will always be bp 1, manic depressive with pyscotic episodes...
Prepjackie

Jackie, Thank you for your words. They ring so true for me. It is a hard pill to swallow that the meds won't take this illness away - that I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. It feels like too much of a burden to carry. But I am lucky in one regard and that is that I don't have the pychotic episodes (at least not that I am aware of), although I do fear that even medicated that I will get worse with time and that is the hardest thing to think about because I can't bare anymore than this. I'm on the edge now and if it were any worse, I think I would just jump off to end the misery. But for now, as you said, I am able to take it one day at a time.

Luckily, my God is an awsome God and he is not failing me right now. He sent wonderful people just like you to surround me and help lift me up during this trying time. He had put so many Angels in my life way in advance. He knew I would need their strength and love to carry me through this. He knew just what I needed before I even had a clue! For that I am so very thankful. God has surrounded me with those loving people and I cannot take credit for that, just accept it as a beautiful gift. :rose

Prayer is something I was getting better at remembering to do, before I went into the hospital. Since, it has been a struggle to remember to even go pee. But I pray for many here in this forum and for my loved ones and for God's will to be done in all our lives.

P.S. I'm glad you got to see the Jane Paulie interview. It gave me strength and hope that I can still be the successful person I had in mind for myself, if that is God's will.

May God bless each of us throughout our struggles,
Jenna

[liveweyerd]

Hey!

What happened to your Mother Theresa quote? I thought her the greatest living being on the planet!
I am still amazed and holding a grudge that: remember that when she died it was at about the same time as Princess Diana?
Where did all the publicity go? the princess.
That is how screwed up our world is!
My vote has now passed to the Dalai Lama as the greatest living being on the planet.
I have to have my saints and heroes!

[shutterbug]

Sorry about that Live, the stupid computer will only let me put so many images in a single post. So when I go smily crazy, I drop off my sig to get more smilies in. Pictures just say it better sometimes, ya know GF.

Oh, and I'm glad to know you have heros!

One of my best friends name is Lee and his middle name is Roy. So I call him Lee Roy. No one else, but his family does that and he's such a goofy ego maniac that I always tell him, "Lee Roy is my hEEro." I guess you would have to hear it, but it gets him giggling every time. I just like that nana nana smily. hee hee. I've been on this computer for like a gazillion hours now and I think I'm starting to get a little delirious. What do you think?

[shutterbug]

Hey! What sup with this stink'n computer anywho? My sig DID disappear! It's gone. Oh no....I've lost my sig!!

Help...somebody....H-E-L-P!!!!

What am I gonna do now???