Spalding

It's weird, it seems like everything and nothing is wrong at once.

I have dealt with challenging family situations for a very long time (alcoholic and majorly depressed/anxious mum). I have also dealt with personal issues too. It's all pretty longstanding, and I guess I'm looking for answers now.

Thing is, the answers that seem to make sense, only do part of the way.

For example. I have often wondered whether I have some sort of learning disability. Not actively wondered, but I remember wondering if something was wrong and feeling like I identified in some ways with ADHD.
I've also wondered the same thing about issues with depression.

Then, through counselling, I was suggested to look into possible LD issues after dealing (LOL more like NOT dealing) with a hugely scary and challenging academic situation. Then I was told I'm kinda borderline, not sure maybe something kinda sorta is happening ADHD/Executive Functioning wise.

Then a few weeks ago, after describing to a separate counsellor the process I have gone through to figure out the potential ADHD/EF issues including considering medication, she thought the psychiatrist I have seen was suggesting mood stabilizers to deal with depression-like motivation symptoms I've described to her. But that wasn't the case, it was ADHD meds he had said I could maybe try. So it's like. I'm getting signals from everywhere, but none of them are strong enough to register clinically, and I can't get myself out of the issues on my own.

Thing is, neither of these fit 'right'. It's like. I have HUGE issues with procrastination and some issues with organization, motivation, initiative. Yet. I get awesome grades. I know this doesnt mean I dont have issues, but it's not clear cut. I wish that it was conclusive.

Same with the depression thing. It's like. Once I get out there and doing things I'm fine, but once I stop, it's a dead halt and it's hard to get going unless something is planned, or absolutely needs to happen. I can be happy and have fun regularly, yet on the other hand I struggle to put any effort into things that are even vaguely challenging, and left to my own devices I spend hours and hours on the computer, avoiding my assignments and generally being hugely bored and dissatisfied with myself, and yet feeling powerless to change it. Until I get going and it's fine again? And then I think, nah I'm fine, til I get in my next rut.

It's like I lack momentum. I'm a lead swing or something. Yet everyone else is convinced I'm fine, it's just that I'm lazy or that I don't care or something. (That's family/friends who think it's just me being me and there's no disability/clinically significant thing going on)

I'm tired of spinning my wheels and feeling like I'm halfway living. And yet, I lack the follow through to make the changes I need to do. It's this horrible vicious cycle. Yet, it's all seemingly sub-clinical. It's not consistent.

sdfogj;osfjgap'goierhjh is basically how I feel and I dont know how to change it.

FeelingGreat

Hi Spalding, everyone is a mix of all sorts of personality traits, along with the way we're been brought up, or what we're dealing with at the time.

One main point I've gathered from your post is that you are a student ATM, and that your grades are awesome, so job-wise you're doing fine. It may be a painful process to get there, but whatever the barriers, you've adapted to them and are seeing good results.

Lots of us have motivation issues, and we've developed ways of getting around them. I know it seems like many people have life sorted, but that's just what you see on the surface. A functional life is about going with your strengths, and finding work-arounds for unhelpful personality traits.

You have a mentally ill mother, and that might make you focus on that aspect of yourself, yet from your previous thread, it seems you are coping much better than many others would have. You haven't checked out, developed an addiction, gotten pregnant or given up on studying.

I'm not trying to diagnose you, but if your life is functioning ok, considering what you have to put up with, then pat yourself on the back and remember that almost everyone has their struggles.

marcusflowers

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Spalding

That's the thing though. It looks like I'm doing fine, sure. But really. I dont know.

I feel like i have checked out in ways. It's almost like I just go through the motions. If I didnt have school (and when I dont have school, like in the summer), I turn into a zombie. I can literally do nothing all day. I have issues with how much I sit on the computer, and it can average between 3 to 5 hours per day. Sometimes longer.

So while, yes, I do well in school and I 'maintain' functionality, it's really in a bad way. The number of extensions I have had to ask for through especially the last 2 years of school? If I didnt have understanding professors, I would have failed. So yeah, I'm doing well as long as I have understanding profs (and we all know that's not going to extend into the working world). Plus, it makes me feel like crap. I have tried to get my act together. But multiple attempts to do the right thing fall through.

Add to it all that I dont have much of a life. I dont have very many friends (not that I need lots, but even close friends.) The close friends I do have, I dont frequently see outside of school, and they all live far enough away to make it difficult.

I'm basically tired of feeling like I'm scraping by (even though it looks like I'm flying). It FEELS like each day is a waste. Like I'm literally wasting my life away. I might look like a whole and functioning picture, but I feel disjointed. It just doesnt seem right.

EDIT: As for seeing my mum's mental illness and identifying it in me. Thats the thing. I dont see it in me, not in the same way. I know what major depressive episodes look like. And what panic disorders look like. I dont have either of those. But, I do know that the way I feel, I dont think is normal. I know environmental factors might contribute, but a lot of this is loooong standing, as in before I lived alone with my mum. As a child, I was similarly disorganized, unable to get my act together, horribly messy and unclean, lacking in social skills/bullied. It's been years and years that I've thought something's wrong. We're talking at least 8 years. And I've not come out of these issues, I'm still not up to the standard in cleanliness etc etc.

I'm tired of playing catch-up. It's like I'm stuck running in place for a while, and then all of a sudden I can run freely and catch up a bit, but then all of a sudden I'm stuck in place again, and I lose all the ground I made.

advbike

Many of the issues you mention are known to fall within the 14 traits common to Adult Children of Alcoholics. Anxiety, procrastination, inability to complete projects, etc. I had those issues my entire life and am just now learning why (dysfunctional, chaotic childhood environment). You might want to google "ACoA laundry list". Good luck.