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08-13-2004, 09:52 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| sparkling hazeleyes  Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
| Kel, Moot, Mirachlen, 2dayz, MG, Jessie, Best, Running, Anna, Sweeks, and Meredith
(((((((All of you))))))))))))) When I came home today from the hospital, I read my horrible post from Wednesday, and I could not believe that was me. I went to my first ftf alan-non meeting Tues., August 10th, and they were working on the 6th step, character flaws. I came home from the meeting feeling all different kinds of emotions: anger, sadness, hurt, pain etc. The people were very kind, welcoming, and supportive, but I think that the meeting set me off into a whirlwind of emotions, and unfortunately, I did not have enough coping skills and strength to handle them. The stories really hit home, and all of the emotions just took over. I cried and cried and cried with my husband until 3 in the morning. I remember even telling my husband that I did not want to live. Of course, with so many of my other depressions in the past, I had suicidal thoughts and never followed through on them, so he just did not see the warning signs. But this time, I could not bring myself out of it. :sink  I woke up the next day with the same deep emotions: lots of anger, sadness, and pain. I went from a so so day on Tuesday, to the worst day of my life. That is how quickly my moods changed. Please... everyone, if you ever see these signs earlier on... seek help IMMEDIATELY. Unfortunately, it hit me hard and fast this time, and I could not dig my way out on my own, but gratefully God had a bigger shovel, and a very special angel or angels (and you know who you are) really saved me from making the worst mistake of my life. Thank you, thank you, so very much for what you did for me when I could not help myself. I would love to know who my angel was that night, but I understand if you want to remain anonymous. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to be able to thank all of the wonderful people who truly supported and showed me love and compassion that day. I don't know any of you, and yet you took the time to help a complete stranger. I believe God blesses people who give selflessly to others in need. I am truly grateful. God Bless,  Hazeleyes (I am going to work on the sad every day, until I can become sparkling hazeleyes again some day.) P.S. Runningfree... If you are still having a rough time and need to talk, please send me a private message. I don't want you to go through what I went through. Stay safe, and God bless. |
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08-13-2004, 10:21 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Guest
Posts: n/a
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Hazeleyes, There are many miracles on the forums here everyday and you are one of them. We are fortunate to have you with us and blessed that you are here to share your experience, strength and hope with us. I can see that sparkle in your eyes. Jon is our angel around here for keeping this place alive so we can come and be with each other and find those miracles together. God has a very big shovel indeed. Love and hugs, MG |
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08-13-2004, 11:40 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| we're all mad here!  Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,683
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(((((((( Sad Hazeleyes ))))))))) I'm just glad you are still with us. Hope to see Sparkling Hazeleyes eventually too  I can just sooooooo relate to the suicidal ideation, and 2 attempts in my past. Not to count the drinking, which was basically suicidal in the end. So I know about sad. I don't want you to be there.
__________________ The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo. ---------Terry Pratchett |
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08-14-2004, 12:40 AM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,727
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(((((((Hazeleyes))))))) I'm so relieved to see your post, and very happy to see you back here. The greatest service we can do in life is to share our experience, strength, and hope with others when they are suffering through the same things we have been through. I just know that a day will come when you will be given the opportunity to turn this dark experience you had into one of light when you have the chance to reach out to help another who is in that place where you have been. It is one of the most healing things we can ever do, for ourselves, and for others. God Bless you, Hazeleyes. Love and hugs!
__________________ Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind is bearing me across the sky. ~Ojibwe saying~ |
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08-14-2004, 05:55 AM
| #5 (permalink) | |
| sparkling hazeleyes Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
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(((((Moot))))), I just have to tell you that your cartoon character that you have under your name just cracks me up! I smile every time I see it, except for that horrible day; I so wish it could have made me laugh. Thanks for your encouraging words and wisdom. I am so embarrassed and ashamed for what I did. coming back here and seeing people who just open their arms and welcome you back make it a little easier. Thanks again for you support that day. Hazeleyes Quote:
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08-14-2004, 06:04 AM
| #6 (permalink) |
| sparkling hazeleyes Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
| Thanks Margo
((((Margo)))) Thank you for welcoming me back. I look forward to the day when I have the opportunity to reach out to someone in need in their darkest hour. It is a true blessing to know that there are people like you who truly care and give love and support so selflessly. I will never forget. Hazeleyes QUOTE=margo](((((((Hazeleyes))))))) I'm so relieved to see your post, and very happy to see you back here. The greatest service we can do in life is to share our experience, strength, and hope with others when they are suffering through the same things we have been through. I just know that a day will come when you will be given the opportunity to turn this dark experience you had into one of light when you have the chance to reach out to help another who is in that place where you have been. It is one of the most healing things we can ever do, for ourselves, and for others. God Bless you, Hazeleyes. Love and hugs![/QUOTE] |
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08-14-2004, 06:12 AM
| #7 (permalink) | |
| sparkling hazeleyes Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
| Thanks MG
(((MG)))) Thank you for welcoming me back. I am so glad that I will have the opportunity to share my experience, strength, and hopes with others. I am trying every day to keep the sparkle. I don't want to EVER feel that hopeless again! That was such a scary time for me. And you are so right... God does have a VERY big Shovel! Love, Hazeleyes Quote:
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08-14-2004, 07:30 AM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Administrator  Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 22,768
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I'm so glad to see you sounding much more sparkly already Hazeleyes. I'm happy that you've turned a corner and are feeling better. Love, Anna
__________________  And I dont know what the future is holding in store I dont know where Im going, Im not sure where I've been There's a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me My life is worth the living, I dont need to see the end. John Denver |
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08-14-2004, 07:46 AM
| #10 (permalink) | |
| sparkling hazeleyes Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
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Anna, Thanks for all of the love and support you showed me that night. I will never foget it. God bless you. Love, Hazeleyes Quote:
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08-16-2004, 04:12 AM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Pooh Corner, USA
Posts: 116
| To Hazeleyes...
Hazeleyes, Thank you for your invite to pm and your kind words. I am not at the point yet where I can reach out right now. I am confused and just moving. I am safe right now as my husband is NOW aware of the challenges I am facing. I am at a training class for 2 days for school that I will do more thinking than learning, but I will not be turning in a down spiral with my husband and family around. The next step for me is to see what to do about my therapist and my trust in her ability to help me. The medical profession is making my days very gloomy at this point and that is most of my concern right now. Thank you and I'll be back in a few days and perhaps we will "talk" |
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08-27-2004, 09:25 AM
| #14 (permalink) |
| we're all mad here! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,683
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i second sweek's reply. How are you, Hazeleyes?
__________________ The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo. ---------Terry Pratchett |
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