Nothing working - what is next?

[runningfree]

I will start this again...
I lost the last long note and maybe that was for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe there are people out there that are only going to be able to have self-pity and be self-absorbed. I have to realize who and what I am. I am a negative, weak, wants to blame everyone else for my weaknesses and inadequecies, needy, martyr. Oh poor me! I have done a great job trying to coverup this part of me, but it has won out on me. I can not lighten up because then I must face that this is who I am and it doesn't look very good from where I am standing. I depend on people, Iwant attention and positive feedback consistently and to top it off I am jealous of everyone else for what I can't do or don't have. I can't possibly accept this and like it. The covering up and trying so hard to not be this person and change has worn me out.
I thought the medication was working, but then I realized that it was just the fact that someone had helped me feel a little validated regarding my ability to blame people for my weaknesses. I would get a surge of confidence and hope that maybe I am okay and then it really wasn't true and I was wrong again.
know that my negativity is hard for you to handle, but I am starting to realize that I need to accept the person that I am and live with being what I have been avoiding.

* I can’t hold a job without it pulling me to pieces. Even if I like what I am doing. I just can’t handle anything. (weak again)

* Physically I am a loser. I have no strength or talent in any athletic activity or any activity. I may know HOW to do something, but it doesn’t mean that I am any good at it. It is important for me to be really good at running. It was all I had.

* Academically I struggle. I am not a smart person. I struggle constantly for grades. I have to work harder than others and at the same time fall apart because I can’t handle stress. I have never been a good writer. As much as I try and work at it I can’t seem to grasp all the parts of speech and all the things that are necessary to be a good teacher. I don’t know history or science well. I have a minor level ability at these things and I would be ashamed to have parents know how really stupid I am at these things. I have worked VERY HARD on this and seem to be winding up the same way.

* As a mother I know that I love and adore my children very much. That is not enough. I see my faults and failings coming out in my children and I don’t know what to do. I am working so hard, but I have too much negative influence on them.

* As a wife I am hanging by a string. If that string falls I have gone back to the way it was and if I shorten the string it seems that it is only a matter of time when I will fall back and make my husband disappointed in me.

* As a friend…I guess I don’t have to say much about that. I treasure that honor and look where it gets me. I can’t be friends with people. I screw things up. I have no friends.

* As a person I am weak and needy. I crave attention and I need reinforcement. I loathe myself for these “qualities�

* As much as I want to change…maybe the things that we have learned and the way that we are just can’t be changed. They have formed us and the lessons that we learned are a part of our being. I used to think of myself as a criminal for all the things that I had to change about myself and all the things that I am so bad at doing. If I did something awful to someone then I would deserve the death penalty because reform is not the way. Well I am faced with reform right now, but haven’t I already damaged so many people and wasted so much time that I don’t deserve the time for reform?

· There are a lot of things listed above that I must accept about myself that I have been avoiding. I wanted to be a princess and be cherished and cared for just like every girl wants. As an adult I wanted my mate to think that I was the sole of his existence and be so enamored by my wisdom, beauty, style and ability to be a wonderful, caring, gentle mother and a beautiful caring person to others and to my mate. I wanted to feel really good at something. I mean really good. Better than the average. I wanted to be positive and easy going, not intense and love life and enjoy everything. I wanted my children to be happy all the time, independent, easy going, good workers, respectful of all and liked by everyone. They are healthy and I am VERY grateful, but I hope that I haven’t destroyed them in other ways.

§ There are lots of things that I have not been able to do therefore I must accept what I am. This will be very hard for me because I know that what I am is everything that I have been fighting to not be. I don’t have anymore fight left. This will mean that my husband and children will be disappointed in me because I will be everything that is not good. This I must face. If this takes you elsewhere then I must face this and move on.

§ I may have to accept these things about myself, but I don’t think I will ever be able to be happy with myself as long as I possess the above traits. There aren’t drugs out there that will take them away. I am what I am. I have spent many hours and years in therapy and look where it has taken me. I am no better off today then I was years ago. I still keep coming back to the self that I am.



I thought that the love I feel and the love that I feel for others would keep the bad parts of me away, but it doesn’t seem to work. I must accept it instead of trying to pretend that it is OKAY to be this way. It isn’t! If I accept it then I will work on not hurting others by the horror that I possess in myself. For this I will have succeeded. I must think of others now instead of myself because I have messed up too many lives.



Thanks for listening. I am sorry to have brought this into my husband's life, He didn’t deserve it. Unfortunately, I looked at him as my knight in shining armor and he was going to rescue me from everything. That was a mission that he should not have been dealt. He has been a wonderful husband and I tried to make it out that he wasn't to make it sound like I wasn’t as bad as I am. I am truly sorry for this. He did not deserve this abuse from me. He is wonderful. Many of the things I have done are to hide the horrible parts of me that I can’t accept. I have abused my friend in many ways to hide my grave weaknesses. It is time that I accept all of these weaknesses and stop blaming everyone else for my inadequacies. The problem is that I can’t get rid of this feeling of hatred that I possess all of these weaknesses and that will be hard to get rid of. My therapist kept confirming and validating these feelings as if these people should not have done something, but when I leave her office the real world sets me straight.



I am sorry that the outcome of this does not appear rosier. I can’t let my children be influenced by the ugliness that I possess. I am too weak to change and stress makes my ugliness get worse. Hopefully if I can accept these things about myself then I can learn to not give them to my girls. Truthfully I don’t know what any of the future will hold. I do know that as school approaches and the stress level gets higher and the façade of performing wonderfully as a teacher so the community is not aware of my flaws and points of vulnerability will keep me very uptight

I will work very hard to not let my feelings and weaknesses burden my husband and my girls. This is an undertaking that I have yet to succeed at.
I have cancelled all my therapy and psychiatrist appointments. No one is calling me back. I guess I expected to be a little more than a name in an appointment book. I guess it is my decision and my decision is the pain is winning. It is getting the best of me! If there was any best in me!

[51anna]

Hi Runningfree,

I am really sorry for the way you feel about yourself. I have to say that I had many of the very same feelings for decades, but several years ago I was lucky enough to find an antidepressant that worked for me. And, I know I am lucky for that. First of all, have you tried different meds because it took me 3 different meds and then 3 different doses to get it right. So, before you give up on medication, make sure you have tried a few different ones.

And, as far as your children are concerned, I'm sure you're a very good mother. None of us is perfect and all of us put things onto our children that we wish we hadn't. My kids are 26 and 24 and sometimes I still look back and wish I had been more this and less that. Sometimes I see things in them that come directly from me and I wish they didn't have that to deal with. But, I did do the best I could do at the time, the very best. And, they are individuals with their own paths to follow and their own lessons to learn in this lifetime. I'm sure you have done your best and try to understand that your kids can not go through life being happy all the time and having no character flaws. That just doesn't happen.

You've made a long list of things you don't like about yourself. Can you make a list of things about yourself that you do like?

Be kind to yourself.

Love, Anna

[2stop]

((((((((runningfree)))))))))

I understand and can relate to a lot of what you are thinking..and subsequently feeling from these thoughts.
I have found cognitive therapy helps alot. Challenging every erroneous belief system we have decided to rely on for our guide through this world.
You wrote that you are not a good writer..I beg to differ! Your post was organized, coherent..to the point...complex rationalizations, deductions..what is missing IMO is the tools to restructure your belief system..the tools to challenge every negative thought process and replace it with positive workable belief systems. It is hard work..but it can be done.. Do you see a therapist? I would strongly recommend one that does cognitive therapy. The releif is quicker for me than medication...But please do consult with your doctor about your meds..they may need readjusting...the combo of meds and cognitive behaviour training has helped many people.

What I do is make a list..pretty much like what you posted about what I thought my weaknesses were..and then I wrote down my strengths..your strengths you listed were treasuring friendship...loving your children...do you know how many kids have no mother to love them???? That is a beautiful thing..

You say physically you feel weak and struggle..what I have found with this situation for me is to do even ONE thing each day that acknowledges I am working to strengthen my body..if I am watching tv I do leg lifts or knee bends..I stretch....

When we argue for our limitations..yep! We get them...We have to slowly begin to challenge each negative thought process and after identifying them and replacing them with a positive affirmation....DO something..no matter how small or little or inconsequential it seems...do it.

I am sending huge hugs of support your way...and prayers for the wisdom and courage to seek the help that is available....you are very honest in your posts..that is a huge plus....you can make it to becoming the confident able person you already are...we just have to start belieeving it is possible to change..then step by baby step do what it takes.

hang in there..There IS hope my friend.

(((((((((((((((Big HUgs)))))))))))))))))))

[runningfree]

I wish I could believe there is hope. I keep going back and forth like a yo-yo and the string is all tangled up.
Yes, I was seeing a therapist since April of 2003 and I called to cancel an appt for next week and I said that I didn't want to reschedule. She said okay that is your decision and that was it. I have been stewing for 2 days because I gave this person my heart and soul and because I am weak--that is it! See ya! I know I have to tell myself that it is a job and they have NO obligations, but I am glad I never called with an emergency!
The thought of starting over is making me sick, nauseated and weak(no pun intended). My poor husband. He gives me whatever I ask for (I do have to ask) and he is having a party tomorrow and I am trying to store up enough energy to clean my house and be a nice wife because I am falling apart. I wish that I could fall apart without letting him in on it. He can't handle it. He shouldn't have to handle it. He is sweet, a great provider and he loves me. He should not have to listen to this crazy talk that I can't seem to get out of my head.
Running is a very fragile thing for me. I thought I was really good and I have been shown that I am very much less than mediocre and that has hit me very hard. I don't compare myself to everyone, but only those that run and know what I mean. I feel sick and tired. There is a god up there and I am on the list for the next terminal disease because we only have one life and I am really wasting this one away. I and the people around me need to learn a lesson and it is time to have me get what I deserve. I am convinced of it!

[2stop]

I understand. No one could choose for me to be happy, or feel fulfilled..or worthy. I had to do it..and I was plenty pissed about it at times. I also felt the biggest loser in the world....but I finally became sick and tired of feeling that way and discovered that THINKING differently..faking it at first..really helped. I am sorry you are having such a tough time. I will continue to pray for you...

Remember....nothing changes if nothing changes.

Are you taking meds right now? Have they been changed recently or dosage adjusted?

[KelKel]

Good Lord Girl...
I am glad you can be so honest about your feelings and thoughts right now.
But I also know you are being too hard on yourself.
I am a recovering alcoholic that has alot of regrets for what i have put my husband and family through, so I am familiar with what you are feeling.

2stop is right on the money...your writing is good and you present yourself very well.
There must be a reason your husband loves you so much.
Perfection should not be the goal, rather peace of mind and acceptance.
You are a human being, being human.
So go ahead and get your rage out, but then start to work on healing all that pain and loving yourself.
We are here for you and we do care.
I am also bi-polar and meds are very important to my state of mind...so
consider that as an option.
Maybe you would enjoy our womens meeting on Thurs. Evening.
It is posted in the "women in recovery forum" and in meeting times.
Check out the thread "16-steps for discovery and empowerment" also in the womens forum.
There are a few websites on it that refer to the steps and their premise.

Glad you are here, looking forward to sharing this journey of life we are all on.

[MootPoint]

You do present yourself very well! You are going through some tough times, within and outside of yourself.

Kellie already said what I have to say, so I'm going to send you hugs and very warm wishes. And....... lots of luck in finding a new therapist!

[2dayzmuse]

(((Runningfree)))

I agree whole heartedly with the others. You are being to hard on yourself. We all have our strange quirks and character flaws. Learning to handle them is the key. Life is not a fairytale. Unfortunately, that is what we are led to believe. IMO. Continue with therapy and meds to find your peace of mind. Recognizing your imperfections is a great leap towards recovery. None of us are perfect, we are only human. As your username suggests, free yourself from your preconceived notions, of who you should be. Keep running, free from your unrealistic ideals. Be who you are. When you find yourself, I'm sure you'll be looking at a wonderful woman/human inside. Good luck and good days ahead.

Take care,

Talia

[runningfree]

Hi ALL....

I need some more support here. I am crawling back to my therapist and doctor because I have know where to turn and I am afraid that it just isn't going anywhere.

I will get the line... "Don't be so hard on yourself----you only have one life to live" No sh-- Sherlock, I am not spending all this time on therapy and medication and 3hour trips to the city to be told that. If it was that simple for me then I would be fine, but then guilt sets in and the cycle begins again.
Maybe I am hard on myself, but maybe I have good reason to be! AND perhaps I have to admit that I am not going to be what I wanted to be and dreamed to be. Wanting and dreaming and working hard doesn't always pay off. There are winners and losers and I keep being the loser and having to "accept it" I won't go home with any medals in life, but I guess I have to accept that I was in life. As some olympians will not get anything they are there and that is part of the honor. I am sure they hurt because they never get the gold and never are good enough. I always feel sorry for the underdogs because I know what it means to lose all the time and have worked very hard!

Thanks for listening...

[splendra]

((((((Running Free))))))

We only have right now. Now is good life is good!! We do the best we can. Let yourself off the hook. You lived through your ordeal and so did your H and kids. The one thing you can do about your past is not repeat it.

I am sure you are a very good wife , mother, and teacher now stop bullying yourself.

[runningfree]

splendra,

Nice to say and yes I know that is what I should do, but what do I do with this dull ache that won't go away? I don't know what it is caused from and I seem to only know how to be negative. You make it sound simple and it makes me want to run and hide. I have tried to be NICE to myself, but it doesn't work. The negative, yucky part of me is so determined to undermine any success that I have in accepting myself. The more that people tell me to stop bullying myself the more of failure I become. I feel that I am not doing this because I want to... I can't SHUT IT OFF!!!!

Thanks for listening

[splendra]

((((((Running Free))))))

I too have a dull ache inside of me. I want to tear myself to shreads sometimes but, I see what it yeilds and I want to live more than I want to put myself down today.

I want to do the best job I can and love myself and my fellow man as best as I can.

I went through a phase in my life where people would say I was being too hard on myself. I too became very determined to make sure that I was put down the more people told me not to be so hard on myself. But, I guess through a lot of different things diet, nutrition,reaching out spiritually,school,having a kid, wanting to be trusted,and to trust I finally stopped beating myself up. I still have the urge to put myself down but, I know and I mean really know that no good will come of it and today I want to do as good as I can. At the end of my day I want to say my prayers and be thankful to my HP for the day that He gave me, I confess my wrongs everyday and ask my God to help me change and He does. I know my God hears me.

It is like quitting dope first you have to want to quit before you will and you have to want it more than you want to use or the bottom line is you won't quit.

If you really want feel good about yourself you will decide that you no longer need the pay off that beating yourself up yeilds. You will do whatever it trakes to get to a place where you can say I do not have to do that to myself anymore and each time you get close to going there you will get a light bulb moment and know that going there is a choice that you don't have to make....

When I wake up in the morning I put my life in my HPs hands and ask that He guide me today right now before my feet even hit the floor.

Some people mistakenly think that putting oneself down is being humble but it isn't it is self degrading humiliation. Humbleness is meekness and mildness and is always gentle even to ones own self. Things are not going to always be perfect and it is arrogant to demand perfection. But, if you relax what you think perfection is you might find that you really are perfectly ok and it is a lot easier than you might think.

[runningfree]

Is it possible that I am not looking for PERFECTION. Why does everyone assume that to not like yourself that you are looking for perfection. On the contrary, I am smart enough to know that perfection is far from attainable. What I am looking for is to feel good and the person that I see has characteristics and traits that are intensely negative, needy and dependent. I can't turn the switch to FEEL differently. When I fake it then the times that I can be myself become even more intense. Why does everyone think I am looking for perfection? I am scared and frightened and the more I hear that I need to like myself the more I hide because I can't truly like things about myself when I constantly am shown that I am only making myself believe it to be true, but it isn't true.
Maybe I am a loser if I can't seem to get it!!!!
I try to be a good wife and mother and teacher, but all of those things have been held together by the person that is faking it. It is not the real me because I just am dying inside and extremely negative when I do those things. Believe me.... I work VERY HARD to try to make sure that my husband, kids, and students are cared for and not subjected to the beast within me. What is worrying me is that the thread is very thin and I am afraid that it might break and all will be lost and the true me will get out.

[51anna]

Hi Runningfree,

I understand how hard the battle is to keep the negative thoughts away. For me, it's a daily battle to keep anything positive in my vicinity! But, I truly believe the only way to gain anything in this battle is to keep challenging the negative thoughts. That is the only way they lose their power.

And, I too have had to accept that I am not the person I wanted to be and even pretended to be. I wanted to be a great mother, a great wife, have an interesting career, be sociable and capable. Truth is I have some success in some of those areas, but not what I dreamed of. But, I have started to accept myself and you can too. It's frustrating that it's such hard work, but it's worth it.

Hang in there Running. You are not a loser in any way.

Love, Anna

[splendra]

((((Running Free)))))-

I am in this with you and so is everyone else. Sometimes it takes a while to untangle the thoughts and feelings from a life time of feeling low self esteem.

Like Anna said you have to challenge the negative thoughts. Maybe it is the pretend you that feels like cr@p and the real you that does good things like take care of your responsibilities. Try turning it over until you shake something loose.

I believe you are a good wife, mom, and teacher because you want to be. What is pretend about that? The negative energy doesn't want you to be free of it because it wants to suck the life out of you it sounds like your disease trying to make you give in. What are you recovering from I cannot remember?

Keep posting girl so you can get this stuff out of you. I care and will do everything I can to try and help you get to the bottom of this. I know you want to be free....s

[runningfree]

Yes, this is a lifetime of feeling low self esteem. I have just come to realize that from very young I was raped socially, mentally and personally of any feelings of success, security, self worth and happiness. For this I am just beginning to work through. My husband is a wonderful human being and after 23 years of marriage he is still a rock standing by my side. Unfortunately he had his own very deep personal family issues when he was kid and his coping was to block everything out and nothing gets to him. I know that he has thoughts but he doesn't let it get to him. He is very independent and self confident. He has mastered a life of no emotion of his past life and he truly lives every day for today and dwells on NOTHING from the day before. This has been hard for me since I am just the opposite. I hope that I can escape my world of self-hate, worthlessness, worry and guilt. Much is happening all at once and the beginning of the school year has come too quickly. I have realized that I love what I do and I work hard at what I do, but it just takes so much out of me that much of what is coming out is so hard for me to bear without having someplace to be everyday and such crushing responsibilities. We recently have talked about me talking a leave of absence, but at this late date it would be far too hard and I would never be able to deal with the looks and stares that I would get from the people in my town and community. It is not a very big town and word gets around. I wish I could just stop the clock and get rid of all of this stuff and then continue. I'll tap my ruby slippers 3 times and see what happens!
Thanks again

Hi runningfree,

I've learned that it doesn't matter if I like myself. I accept the fact that I'm miserable sometimes. I accept the fact that I have shame attacks and guilt sometimes. When I am in emotional pain that's ok too. I took all the pressure off myself. I still struggle with perfectionism in a lot of areas of performance with job issues, but I'll get so tired I'll give that up too.

I refuse to fake anything. I'm not a fake kind of person. I'm nicer than I want to be sometimes, but that's just social skills, lol. I don't believe in fake self esteem. I believe in self acceptance no matter what state I'm in at the time. It makes life so much easier that way. I know I will grow out of everything. I can't force that growth. I just walk into it and there will be growing pains.

Sit down and put your feet up for awhile.

Hugs,
MG

[runningfree]

Thanks so much for the kind words. I am aware and so appreciative for your supportive thoughts. However, knowing, seeing, hearing, reading does not make it DOING. I hope to catch the line before drowning. :sink

[splendra]

(((RF))))

You are going to be ok. You are definatly on my prayer list. Sometimes all it takes is a quote or a verse out of the Bible to help me hang on. Saying "the of the Lord is my strenghth" helped me so much. I said it when ever I felt afraid,stressed,or angry. Perhaps there is some line you can use that brings you comfort try it it works...

[runningfree]

Although I am a regular attending catholic church girl... I have had some problems lately with faith and what God, prayer and the bible mean to me. For this reason I have had trouble with any of the 12 step programs. I can't explain what is bothering me, but this too I am working to understand. However, with this said I am trying to "straighten myself out" using everything but the strength of God. I still believe but I don't feel that it is the answer at this point.
Does that make me a real loser at this process?

[MootPoint]

Does that make me a real loser at this process?

I think it makes you human, ((((((((( runningfree ))))))))).

I have just come to realize that from very young I was raped socially, mentally and personally of any feelings of success, security, self worth and happiness.

Just the fact that you are holding your head above water is a testamony to your strength. Since you realize this (about being raped), can you try to give yourself a break? Don't beat yourself up quite so much?

[splendra]

(((((RF)))))

I think you are trying to make it as hard as you possibly can for yourself. Even if you decide to rely on God to help you through this it won't be easy but, with out God I can see why you keep feeling hopeless and disparing. God wants to be in the center of our lives we were created to have a relationship with the creator. Without this relationship we cannot be who we are meant to be.

It kind of reminds me of a two year old that wants to do something dangerous and mom doesn't let them so the child throws themself on the floor and screams and cries. A weak mom will give into them and let them have what they want even though it is dangerous. A strong mom will say no and mean it. It sounds to me like you are being spiritually immature(thinking you can over come this without God) If it sounds harsh to you I am sorry. You need to nourish your spirit with some form of HP and believe in something other than your own stubborness. Right now you seem to be making your stubborness your HP but, it won't work because it is what is driving your hopelessness ..... I am still here with you and praying....

[runningfree]

Well, I appreciate your honesty, but I believe that you are harsh to say that not feeling that a HP is the answer automatically steers me to stubborness. I am having difficulty with a HP right now with many things that have happened to friends, family, and very dedicated God loving individuals. I believe, but I can't feel that I can depend on a HP right now. I grew up believing in God through fear and I have not had that fear removed. I am not angry with any HP, but I don't want to ask anything of a HP. If I am spiritually scarred for one reason or another then does that make me defective and immature that I can not heal without a direct HP. I am not saying that a God is not available, but the strength and hope for me has not been fortified for many reasons in the past few years and I have been searching for answers to many questions about why things happen. I am not saying that I am asking to heal without a HP, but if healing depends on a closeness with God then I fear that I am in more trouble than I thought. I am good to others and I follow the ten commandments. I go to church as regularly as I can and I volunteer to other parishoners when I am able. If healing depends on my relationship with God then he walked out on me a while ago and hasn't returned. I am afraid to go searching because I don't want that walk-out to happen again. I hear you and I have feared since the conception of this unfolding process that I am only going to heal if I have faith and let the HP lead the way. In your eyes I am stubborn and in my eyes I am cautious and careful.

[splendra]

(((((RF)))),

I don't know how I missed your reply I am sorry for that. I a so sorry that you feel that your HP has abandoned you! But, I still think you are missing something here. Maybe your concepts about God are distorted. It really makes me feel bad that so many people have been taught this huge negative about GOD. I know God to be very loving and allows us to make choices and sometimes the choices we make lead us to a place we are not happy about. I believe there is a place inside of you that knows you can depend on your HP. We are given free will for a very important reason: we cannot have faith with out the ability to choose. I believe if you get in touch with your faith in your HP to show the way out that HE will. It might not be easy or painless..... the only way out is through. I am not trying to be harsh or unfeeling to your situation. I know you are in pain I really do. If you do not wish to hear from me again I will respect your wishes. I do care and have had you on my mind alot lately. I did a search to find out if you had posted since my last post to you. My only point of reference is what you have said and I have tried to put myself in your shoes and ask myself where would I be if I was feeling like you have said you feel? I am not you but, I know most of us humans have some simular traits as far as emotions go. I grew up in a very abusive and addicted enviroment and have lots of therapy to help me and I had to be very honest with myself to get me out of my own depression,anxiety and addictions. I am only trying to help and if you do not want it I understand. But, I do know that sometimes that the very thing we do not want to hear is the very thing we are avoiding looking at. It does sound as though I have hit a nerve with you.

[runningfree]

It is interesting that you would indicate that you "hit a nerve" because it is that very thing that is needed to keep going. Yes, much of what you say is harsh, but I am very harsh with myself. I don't find you offensive at all. In fact I sort of like being told upfront and directly. This way is much easier for me to accept because I am very direct with my situation. I am negative, yet I feel I am realistic. There are certain things that I feel and I have come to realize that I never received the care and attention that is necessary in childhood. Now I am 44 and have suffered from depression and addictive behaviors my whole life. I believe that I have suffered more from addictive thoughts rather than behaviors. I really am addicted to being negative. I have to be to protect myself. I am not going to get the warm fuzzies from the people around me so therefore I have to give it to myself, but I have never liked myself for many years. I am looking for things I never got and I am too old to get it and I don't feel it about myself. I have to go because I have kids that need to do something fun! Oh well, I do try!