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08-11-2004, 12:57 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| sparkling hazeleyes  Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
| suicidal thoughts... and a plan
I have been very angry lately, and now I am feeling very weak and hopeless. The anger I have expressed and the hurt that I have caused everyone around me, is unbearable. I don't know why I felt and still feel so angry? I guess it is my way of protecting myself from being hurt and feeling the pain, I don't know. I guess I thought that the anger would give me some sort of strength that I don't have, and it would help me not want to quit, because all I want to do right now is die. I have been thinking about how much better I would feel in the long run if I wasn't here anymore. I wouldn't have to feel any more pain, no one would be able to hurt me, I would not hurt anyone else with my anger and resentment, and I would not be afraid and I wouldn't hate myself right now. I would finally have the peace, acceptance, and maybe love that I so desperately need and want right now. That is if I truly believe that there is a better place to go after death. But even if there isn't a better place, I wouldn't have to feel anymore. I read Morning Glory's post, thank you for the encouraging words,and it did comfort me some, but not enough to get rid of this pain. I know that I will be hurting people, but I hope that they will forgive me and understand that I was sick and could not take the pain anymore. |
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08-11-2004, 01:06 PM
| #2 (permalink) | |
| we're all mad here!  Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,683
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Hazeleyes, I would be sooooooooo sad if you killed yourself. The pain DOES get better, but it takes time and work. Quote:
I tried to kill myself twice and have finally decided that life is worth living. Its painful, stressful, and a general pain in the @ss, but its worth living. All I can offer is a  and some hope.
__________________ The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo. ---------Terry Pratchett | |
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08-11-2004, 01:08 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: The Mohave Desert
Posts: 2,307
| Sad I love you and truly want you to be here with us. I know too well the suicidal thoughts you are having. What we need to work on right now is you getting in touch with yourself and finding that love for yourself that will help you through this tough time. You are worth it! I promise....  What are you doing today? Make a plan to do some things just for you...take care of your fragile self. Take a walk, notice all the small wonders around you. Take a bath, use candles and put some salt into the water, it will cleanse your outer spirit. Light a candle. Write your feelings and pain down on paper and then burn the paper and send it all to the universe. Talk to me girl, I will leave the light on and hang out @ the computer. Let me be there for you.... I'll be waiting to hear from you. Send me a pm if you like. |
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08-11-2004, 01:19 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| In Memory Of  Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,738
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Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems , and you are right you would damage the people behind beyond repair , one of my best friends commited suicide 12 yrs ago and her family and friends will never be the same . I know you are in a dark place right now I have been there , you can get the help you need . Please go to the ER and call a suicide prevention hotline ...prayin for you Trish
__________________ In Memory Of Teach only love...  |
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08-11-2004, 01:22 PM
| #5 (permalink) | |
| sparkling hazeleyes Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
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Thank Kel, But I can't find that strength. I have a plan, I am going to wait until it gets closer to 4, I going to give my children hugs and kisses and tell them how much that I love them and encourage them to continue to play, I going to tell them that mommy is going to rest because she is not feeling well, write a quick note to my husband telling him sorry and that I love him and I hope that one day he will be able to forgive me. Then I am going to take pills, and pray their is peace on the other side and that I will not feel any pain from the pills. I have to do this. I can't stand this pain anymore. Quote:
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08-11-2004, 01:26 PM
| #7 (permalink) | |
| sparkling hazeleyes Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
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I am on medication, I have gone to the hospital, and I did go to a meeting last night. I am sick and I am tired and I just want the pain to go away. Quote:
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08-11-2004, 01:28 PM
| #8 (permalink) |
| In Memory Of Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,738
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The pain will go away , I promise you ...if you hurt yourself the pain for your children and family will never go away ..please go back to the ER , you will get the help you need.
__________________ In Memory Of Teach only love... |
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08-11-2004, 01:44 PM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Paused  Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Washington
Posts: 5,094
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I know you are hurting, but I can't sit back and watch you do this to yourself. You need to get some help. ER or a sucide hotline. Suicide is such a waste and your going to cause so much more damage then you can begin to imagine. You're crying out for help. Now go get some. Call a neighbor or friend... anyone. Are you prepared for an eternity of purgatory? Suicide is a selfish act. A quick solutuion for your pain, what about your loved ones pain? The pain you will leave behind. It continues on for them. It continues on for a life time. Peace be with you...here and now. Talia |
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08-11-2004, 01:48 PM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Guest
Posts: n/a
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Hey Sad, I know how bad that pain is. I went through it for a long long time. There were times I couldn't even get off the floor. I had to put myself in the hospital twice just to keep myself alive. I wanted to die, but my husband already took his own life and I'm all that my kids had. So I had to go on beyond suicide. I found that I could take the pain. And on the other side of that pain was the healing. I think the thing that helped me hang on the most was that the therapists I had told me that my kids wouldn't survive if I took my own life. Now that I look back I don't think my kids would've survived if I hadn't stayed around. I believe that suicide was a way of holding on to some control for me. I needed to surrender and accept the pain that I was going through. I needed to stop fearing the pain. My pain was very very very bad. I found an answer for every little thing that was causing all that pain. I found the way out of that pain, but I needed help along the way. I couldn't carry myself. I was on my knees begging for my higher power to pick me up and carry me. I have the most beautiful grandchildren now. I'm so thankful that I didn't miss seeing them born and watching them grow. I'm so thankful I didn't throw that all away for an emotion that would eventually be healed. Your children are worth a call to the suicide hotline. The number is in the post above. Your children will suffer greatly from your death. They won't suffer from your messed up life. As long as you love them it doesn't matter how screwed up you are right now. It's the love that will get them through. I've watched my son cry a thousand tears wondering why his father didn't love him enough to stick around. You can do this. I know you can because I did and many others have. Make that one little call and keep writing everything you feel here. Get through this next 24 hours. You can do that. Tell me about your anger. Who are you angry at? Much love, MG |
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08-11-2004, 02:28 PM
| #13 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Alabama
Posts: 51
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You say that you do not want to hurt anymore, if you do this you arre going to pass some terrible pain to your children and husbund. Besides all of that God gave you this life to live not to die. I do not know what to say other than I am saying a prayer for you right now. God DOES love you and wants you to live to be the best you ,that you can be . That includes one of the most sacred jobs on earth, being a mother. What are your children going to do without mommy? Think no more on this suicide and look at your children ,they are part of your purpose for living. Don't give up so easily. I have been where you are at right now, but I do believe that I deserve to live and love life. (even though it is hard) A man was not meant to be a mother, do not leave your husbund to be one. I am praying for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
__________________ Sobriety must live a life of its own! |
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08-11-2004, 06:10 PM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Don't get undies in a bunch  Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,166
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Hazeleyes I have thought it through. Even thought of what will be after. The next step would have been put the shell in the shotgun. Pain like I have never known and just wanted to stop the pain. Felt I had no place else to go. Called some people and they were all busy. Alone and seemed like there was no one to turn to. With that I called out in my pain to God. If not for His peace that He filled me with.... well but the grace of God I may not be here. You are loved, you will be missed, you are part of our family here as well as those who live in your house. We all love you and know that the pain does go away. Share your feelings and lets talk this out.
__________________ * I asked God to spare me pain. God said "No", Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.  Recovery Related Acronym B. E. S. T. = Been Enjoying Sobriety Today? |
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08-11-2004, 07:03 PM
| #17 (permalink) |
| Administrator  Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 22,768
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Sad HazelEyes, It sure would be good to hear from you. I am so scared for you. I've just read your posts and I'm so sad and worried. Please let us know that you are alright. Love, Anna
__________________  And I dont know what the future is holding in store I dont know where Im going, Im not sure where I've been There's a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me My life is worth the living, I dont need to see the end. John Denver |
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08-11-2004, 08:59 PM
| #19 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Pooh Corner, USA
Posts: 116
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Sad, I hope that you did not do anything because you will be taking me with you. If you read this then you will know that when I signed on this evening I was ready to do what you planned. I too am tired of the pain and the ONLY thing that keeps me here is the fact that my children would blame themselves. When I read your note it was if I had written it this evening. I am done, but I am sure that if I don't find a successful way to do it then I will be punished with a dreadful disease and then my children will not think that I left them. Leaving this existence is the last thing I want and I am sure you feel the same, but it is like you are trapped and you can't get out. To stay alive you would need to get out and to give up would be to just lie still. The energy to get out is too exhausting. I need for you to hang on so that I can hang on too! I really thought things were getting better and POOF! the demons appeared to remind me that nothing is better and they are here to get me good!!! Please stay so I can have someone to hang with! I need you! |
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08-11-2004, 08:59 PM
| #20 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: The Mohave Desert
Posts: 2,307
| FYI I did talk to Sad after her 4oclock dealdine and she had taken the pills, but was still coherent. I asked for her ph# but she did not respond. Let's all just pray for our sister.... And if you can light a candle.... |
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08-11-2004, 09:16 PM
| #22 (permalink) |
| we're all mad here! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,683
|
Consider it lit. And prayers going out for her.
__________________ The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo. ---------Terry Pratchett |
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08-11-2004, 10:41 PM
| #25 (permalink) |
| Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 22,768
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Runningfree and Kel and SadHazeleyes, I am sorry for all of you that you are in such pain. The moments when our lives are filled with darkness, when it seems like there is no hope, are so very hard. And, I think our children can be lifesavers at times like that. My thoughts and prayers are with each of you. Love, Anna
__________________ And I dont know what the future is holding in store I dont know where Im going, Im not sure where I've been There's a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me My life is worth the living, I dont need to see the end. John Denver |
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