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The self inflicked repercussions of avoiding those I care about



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The self inflicked repercussions of avoiding those I care about

Old 12-04-2014, 08:16 PM
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The self inflicked repercussions of avoiding those I care about

I've done this before, but not to the extent that I am now. I don't want to avoid them but I do. I'm to the point now that I feel I no longer have the right to contact them. I really do care about them, but it's been so long now that my anxiety goes sky high when I even think of checking email for fear of what they have to say. In regards to how much of an uncaring idiot I am, or if they want me to take a hike and no longer contact them.

It started about seven months ago. And culminated a few months ago, when I just took off and rode across the country to the west coast. I didn't tell a soul where I was going, or even that I was going. I'm lucky to have the guy working for me that I do. He just kept coming to work, and paid himself out of cash payments! (It's not the first time I've pulled this stunt) But never for this long.

I've discussed this with my Therapists, who I also worried, and I'm convinced it's a combination of feeling I have to hurt myself. As well as a way to maintain a certain level of anxiety. Almost like I'm addicted to the anxiety or something, or possibly just another way to hurt myself. Why I don't know.
The problem is that I'm not only hurting myself, I'm hurting those who care about me as well. When they disappear on me, I get very upset and worried. But it seems that I feel okay with doing it to them. And that's not right.

I'm starting to come out of it. But do I really have any right at all to expect them to just accept me back with open arms? Put in their shoes, I don't know if I would.
It would be nice if they did, but I certainly can't and don't expect them to.

Right now I feel like every bit a horrible friend and father, who just plain doesn't deserve them.

So for the friends I've hurt on SR, for what it's worth. I'm really sorry.
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Old 12-04-2014, 08:42 PM
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Good to hear from you, my friend

I think real friends and loved ones will always be glad to reconnect, Zan, no matter how long it's been.

My true friends and family know me and love me, with all my idiosyncrasies foibles and wrinkles.

I'm sure it's the same for you too Z

D
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Old 12-05-2014, 09:36 PM
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I do this too. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
I've disappeared before too, and it never solved a thing. My husband passed away a few years ago while I was "gone" and it's something i have to live with every day, even though we were separated at the time. (He was only 35 which is even more devastating).
I'm trying really hard to make sobriety stick this time, and I think this is one of those things I'm going to have to learn to deal with.
I hope you find some peace and that you can find a way to forgive yourself.
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Old 12-11-2014, 01:53 PM
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I found out today that my son's fiancé had a baby girl last month. I didn't even know he was engaged, or that she was even pregnant. And not even to the same girl he was with the last time I talked to him.

How's that for a caring dad!

I don't deserve to be anyone's father, much less have friends. I'm not feeling sorry for myself though it probably sounds like I am. I'm just stating a fact.
I've had a crappy life from the get go. But there was no reason for me to have to follow the steps that I grew up in. I had an alcoholic narcissistic violent mother. And the only trait I seem to have not carried on was the violence. As far as the narcissism goes, with the way I treat my family and friends I obviously carried along that trait quite well as well.
It's obvious to me that this is the way I've chosen to live my life. And since it was my choice I have to live with the consequences. I don't want to live like this, but I only have myself to thank.
I try to change things, but I seem to continuously lead myself right back to pushing people away by avoiding them.
My sons and friends shouldn't have to work that hard to remain close, that's supposed to be my job. But it's not getting done.
Do I feel crappy about this. I most certainly do. As I should.
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Old 12-11-2014, 03:35 PM
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I've missed you Zanz.
I'm glad you are back here.

I both can understand why you have done what you done. But I can also understand why you feel bad.

It seems though that life goes on without you being there - in the case of your son and his news and your employee.
I think the fact they keep things going while your gone shows they care about you.
I really do think you are awfully hard on yourself. Too hard.
You beat yourself up something rotten and you shouldn't.
Maybe leaving is not the best way to deal with things, but its your way.

Have you got any plans for now you are back?

I wish you the best xx
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Old 12-11-2014, 04:03 PM
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I'm sorry that all those things happened without you knowing Zanz.
I know too, how easy it is to blame yourself.

But I'm an alcoholic and addict too -I know I was way more than that and I know I was way better than the worst thing I've done.

Sometimes others, for reasons of their own, find it hard to forgive.

I think we need to remember that other people have issues too and that not everything is completely our fault.

The Zanzibar I know is a thoughtful caring man who, for all his human faults and failings, doesn't deserve the treatment he's getting from his son.

I'll keep saying that until you can accept it

D
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Old 12-11-2014, 07:31 PM
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Hi Dee. I may have put that forth wrong, but my son has tried to contact me for over a year now. Probably to tell me about his fiancé. I guess I'm trying to say that he's never avoided me, and has always tried to include me in his life. It's always been me doing the avoiding.

Thanks for saying you miss me Sasha. The only plans I have for now is to continue working with my T to figure out why I do this. And maybe try and convince myself that it is ok for me to contact him, and others, even after this long.

I am fully aware of how hard I am on myself, but I guess I kinda have to figure out why I don't like who I am, before I can start liking myself. Maybe then I can go a bit easier on myself.

Anyways thanks guys.

And yes it is nice to know I'm not alone in doing this brynn, although I'm sorry what it put you through.
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Old 12-11-2014, 07:40 PM
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Sorry I got the wrong end of the stick Zanz. I had the idea that your son has cut you off, but sometimes I read so many stories the details muddle up in my mind.

If your son wants to make contact with you, that must mean he's sees the same goodness and gentleness in you that the rest of us do.

Could it be possible you're letting self loathing run the show here? and by letting it do that you're feeding it even more?

Comes a time when we have to forgive ourselves if we want to move on Zanz.

I can't think of a better time to re-enter your sons life than the birth of a new grandchild

D
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Old 12-11-2014, 10:31 PM
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Hi Z. I've missed you too.

I will share my experience here. It isn't the same, no 2 stories are, but it has some parallels...

My Dad wasn't the greatest at showing he cared, I wondered whether he loved me at all as I was growing up, he was always remote and difficult. He was angry and self-absorbed..I felt I was so far down his list of priorities that I almost didn't exist at all other than to annoy him so I learned to stay out of his way. When I had my children..he was totally different with them. He showed them his softer side. Both my kids grew to love him and all his eccentricities.

Over the years as my own alcoholism grew, I realised that he had his own demons. It took many years but we did re-connect at the end. He was an alcoholic, had come from a background of cruelty and neglect and simply did not have the tools to be a good father. I understand that now.

We had a strong relationship at the end before he passed, and he was a Grandad to 7 kids who all adored him.

It's never too late Z. A new member of the family is the ideal time to reach out...that baby gives you all a new start.

Best wishes to you x
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Old 12-17-2014, 03:52 PM
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Thanks for sharing that Jeni. I suppose I didn't learn how to be a parent from the best sources. I would never blame them entirely though, as not taking responsibility would go against everything my sobriety is built on. Every action I've taken during my adult life was taken on my own free will. And only on my own free will can anything be changed.
There were alternatives I could have taken, such as parenting classes. Choosing not to drink may have been a good idea as well! But bottom line, I didn't know how to be a parent, or a husband for that matter. And apparently I still don't. I wonder if there are grandparenting classes.

I think I've taken up enough room on the boards with this. So thank you all.
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Old 12-17-2014, 03:59 PM
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I don't think you have nearly taken up enough room Zanz.
Please will you consider coming here more often? Please?
I have done similar to you with my family.
Except mine was due to my anger.
We have a new christmas baby too.
I've not seen him.
I just don't like to think of you bottling up all this hurt you have, when you could check in here and air whats on your mind.
I come here everyday.
It helps.

Please don't be a stranger? xx
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Old 12-17-2014, 04:13 PM
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I agree with Sasha.

I don't think you take up very much room at all and I'd like to see you take up more Zanz

D
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Old 12-18-2014, 12:46 AM
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Hi Zanzibar, I just was reading your posts and they struck a chord, because I've had my own isolation issues, too. I used to cut my family out when I was at my worst.

But they will forgive you. But they can't if you don't first reach out and start the process. I think reaching out would be a nice Christmas gift.
I think once you stop beating yourself up and contact them, you will be pleasantly surprised. The longer you leave it the harder it will get.
You'll be so relieved after, you'll wonder why you hadn't before. You have to forgive yourself first though.

ps-the fact that you have an employee loyal enough to keep working and paying himself, says volumes about you.

Good luck.
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Old 12-18-2014, 08:07 AM
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Originally Posted by InParticular View Post

But they will forgive you. But they can't if you don't first reach out and start the process.
That's simple, yet powerful at the same time! Thank you!


I received an e-card today from a very dear friend who I thought I had lost through this. It was a wonderful way to start the day.

I have to start being more careful with friends and family. It's all we really have, and these relationships can be very strong yet still fragile.
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Old 12-18-2014, 12:37 PM
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(((zanzibar))) I understand these impulses to just run away as well! I know you don't want to "take up any more room on the board" but just to let you know you're not alone. I think we are all a mish mash of desires and fears, sometimes one can be stronger than the other. I especially understand the desire to be alone that is as strong in me as the desire to belong!!
It's crazy. Congrats on the new baby!
Welcome back !!

The grass is looking forward to its long overdue haircut!! x
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