Feeling a** Backwards

[Prepjackie]

I dont know how to put this because I feel as if my mind just rambles so if you could just bear with me a moment that would be great. I am a recovering alcoholic, sobriety date 5/12/02 ; who also was recently diag shortly after sobriety with bp with manic depressive with physcotic eposodes.
Early in recovery it seemed life was going good, but I was in denial about the bp and then I started on the meds and I have changed sooo much. I dont know if I'm coming or going. I drank to cover up my feelings and now I have to deal with my feelings and being bp on meds sometimes thats to much. I've been diag with battered womens syn, ocd, complex ptsd theres just so much, its a God given miracle I'm alive. 2 wks out of the month I can hardly get out of the house, depression, paranoia, I even think that I've got that thing where you can hardly leave your house. I'm constantly keeping my sobriety in check. I know what I have to do even though I don't do it and it scares the hell out of me, cause I dont want to go back to what I was. so when I get all twisted up real bad I will go to a few meetings right in a row, back to back to back until I fill like I get my fix sort of.

I guess what I'm saying is I feel like I'm doing this all backwards and I feel all backwards and I hate feeling this way and will it ever go away and thats all. I never know what to tell my pdoc cause my feeling are all messed up all the time and I dont know exactly which medicine is causing it. Is the serequil making me have hearburt or the topamax putting weight on me or the depakote making me sleepy or the prozac making me cry. Fudge why cant I remember what I did yesterday afternoon. Why do I write poetry of suicide, doomed, damned and lost? I just feel crazy and insane, probley because I am.
prepjackie

[eddie z.]

((((Prepjackie)))),
Dual Recovery Anonymous
You might want to see if you can find a DRA meeting nearby to go to! I don't know where Iowa Park is or I would have posted a link that's closer to you.

I know how frustrating dual-diagnosis (or MULTIPLE diagnosis, more like) can be. They fiddled with my meds constantly the first 18 mos. I was clean and we FINALLY seem to have found the right "formula." So hang in there, honey, OK?

Love, Eddie