Anxiety, fear, self-sabotage, body dysmorphic disorder, etc.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 153
Anxiety, fear, self-sabotage, body dysmorphic disorder, etc.
Hi. This thread is an addendum to the following link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-etc-etc.html
I didn't want to add to it because it would be lengthy. What I am posting today is today's issue and I think it's important that I focus on that. I don't expect answers here but it helps me to at least put this stuff out there and maybe it will help someone else. I'm also hoping that someday I can look back on these posts and realize that I have come a long way in recovering from my challenges.
Today is Sunday. I usually go to a Sunday morning meeting with some guys I know. We get coffee beforehand and afterwards. It's typically enjoyable but for the past 3 weeks I have not went. Today was the first day I could have gone but chose not to. My meeting attendance overall is down but I still look forward to my Saturday morning meeting and I don't see that changing. I feel guilty for not going to the meeting this morning and for diminished attendance overall. Thing is, I don't feel like I want to use or drink and I don't feel like going to these other meetings (besides Saturdays) can help me with what I am experiencing.
Lately I have been having a really hard time getting out of my apartment. It's no problem for work or appointments or if I want to go for a run. But for social activities, grocery shopping, or just going down to get the mail it's become a challenge. I look in the mirror a bunch, try to fix my hair perfectly, critique the hell out of how I am dressed, notice flaws like there are high beam headlines shined upon them, and find excuses to stay in. Today is a beautiful day and I could go sit by the pool, something I used to enjoy, but despite being in very good shape (literally and not bragging but I have almost a 6 pack a defined chest and toned legs) I am scared. This I say only because I recognize that it's completely irrational for me to be scared to a point where I stay in. I know some fear is normal but it's affecting my social life and self image.
I was picked on quite a bit as a kid and I don't think I felt a lot of support from my parents despite growing up in a loving home. This definitely has something to do with it. The problem is that I know it and feel like, "what is the answer?"! I have been in therapy for years, off and on medication, and trying to get better for a long time. I have been aware that there has been a problem for years.
Today I am a little over 4 months sober. If you read my other post you will see that I have relapsed quite a bit. This time feels different but I am a bit concerned because meeting attendance dropped before the last relapses as well. I start feeling guilty about that. I hear my sponsor and other guys in the program say "get to meetings - you need it or you will drink". The voice in my head is telling me that I am heading for a drink because I am not going to meetings. But I am working the steps diligently, communicating daily with my sponsor, praying & meditating every morning and before bed, going to therapy once a week, trying to change destructive behaviors, and really focused on recovering. It's just I want to do other things besides meetings like work out, rest, read, watch TV, work on music, etc.
I am kind of rambling here and could probably go on but that makes for a tough read.
Last thing is that I read a book called "Shattered Image" last night by Brian Cuban. It was excellent. It's about his struggle with addiction, BDD, and eating disorders. I could relate SO much to his story except you can replace compulsive relationship/sexual behavior instead of the eating disorder.
I am encouraged that I am facing this stuff and that I only have 4 months sober so I do believe things will get better with time. It's just that right now my days are tough and I fear that my social anxiety will further isolate me and I will become some weirdo and end up alone.
Thanks for reading.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-etc-etc.html
I didn't want to add to it because it would be lengthy. What I am posting today is today's issue and I think it's important that I focus on that. I don't expect answers here but it helps me to at least put this stuff out there and maybe it will help someone else. I'm also hoping that someday I can look back on these posts and realize that I have come a long way in recovering from my challenges.
Today is Sunday. I usually go to a Sunday morning meeting with some guys I know. We get coffee beforehand and afterwards. It's typically enjoyable but for the past 3 weeks I have not went. Today was the first day I could have gone but chose not to. My meeting attendance overall is down but I still look forward to my Saturday morning meeting and I don't see that changing. I feel guilty for not going to the meeting this morning and for diminished attendance overall. Thing is, I don't feel like I want to use or drink and I don't feel like going to these other meetings (besides Saturdays) can help me with what I am experiencing.
Lately I have been having a really hard time getting out of my apartment. It's no problem for work or appointments or if I want to go for a run. But for social activities, grocery shopping, or just going down to get the mail it's become a challenge. I look in the mirror a bunch, try to fix my hair perfectly, critique the hell out of how I am dressed, notice flaws like there are high beam headlines shined upon them, and find excuses to stay in. Today is a beautiful day and I could go sit by the pool, something I used to enjoy, but despite being in very good shape (literally and not bragging but I have almost a 6 pack a defined chest and toned legs) I am scared. This I say only because I recognize that it's completely irrational for me to be scared to a point where I stay in. I know some fear is normal but it's affecting my social life and self image.
I was picked on quite a bit as a kid and I don't think I felt a lot of support from my parents despite growing up in a loving home. This definitely has something to do with it. The problem is that I know it and feel like, "what is the answer?"! I have been in therapy for years, off and on medication, and trying to get better for a long time. I have been aware that there has been a problem for years.
Today I am a little over 4 months sober. If you read my other post you will see that I have relapsed quite a bit. This time feels different but I am a bit concerned because meeting attendance dropped before the last relapses as well. I start feeling guilty about that. I hear my sponsor and other guys in the program say "get to meetings - you need it or you will drink". The voice in my head is telling me that I am heading for a drink because I am not going to meetings. But I am working the steps diligently, communicating daily with my sponsor, praying & meditating every morning and before bed, going to therapy once a week, trying to change destructive behaviors, and really focused on recovering. It's just I want to do other things besides meetings like work out, rest, read, watch TV, work on music, etc.
I am kind of rambling here and could probably go on but that makes for a tough read.
Last thing is that I read a book called "Shattered Image" last night by Brian Cuban. It was excellent. It's about his struggle with addiction, BDD, and eating disorders. I could relate SO much to his story except you can replace compulsive relationship/sexual behavior instead of the eating disorder.
I am encouraged that I am facing this stuff and that I only have 4 months sober so I do believe things will get better with time. It's just that right now my days are tough and I fear that my social anxiety will further isolate me and I will become some weirdo and end up alone.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 12
I understand your fear completely. I myself struggle with body image issues, despite being in good shape. I avoid certain situations that make me uncomfortable, with the exception of doing what I have to. Lately I've been applying energy tapping techniques (EFT) to deal with the things that are holding me back. I would suggest looking into it, it might help. I've been doing it actively for about a week and have noticed a big difference in how I feel and my emotions.
Best of luck to you!
Best of luck to you!
I'm in my 23rd year of recovery and still have problems not isolating. It's the natural state for alcoholics and can lead us back to a drink. After all, my best thinking got me drunk so it's better I don't think and get active. I regularly go to four meetings per week. I've seen many people relapse and some die and while I know I have another drink in me, I don't think I have another recovery. I do service and sponsor several people. My peace of mind is in direct proportion to my
The thing about alcoholism is it's not a rational disease. Not feeling like a drink and knowing we shouldn't drink never stopped an alcoholic from picking up the first drink and getting falling down drunk. We have a compulsion. I suggest making more meetings and getting a sponsor. You've got some time together and it's good to take care of it.
God bless!
The thing about alcoholism is it's not a rational disease. Not feeling like a drink and knowing we shouldn't drink never stopped an alcoholic from picking up the first drink and getting falling down drunk. We have a compulsion. I suggest making more meetings and getting a sponsor. You've got some time together and it's good to take care of it.
God bless!
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