alaina742

I have eleven years sober.

My depression is out of control. It gets worse every day, because it seems like every day there is some new crisis at work that has come into existence, at least partially, by my depression.

I've had two doctors tell me this is as good as it gets, that unless I change my circumstances I won't feel better and no medication increases or changes will help me.

I wish I could just take a break from working and figure some of this out. Financially I simply cannot just stop working. I'd literally be homeless. N it now I beginning to have very real fears about my fate at work.

I feel like a complete piece of sh*t. No wonder nothing good ever happens for me.

Tomorrow my boss has to come down from his office and help me un you know what a situation. I'm terribly embarrassed by this, which is only making me feel worse. To make it more miserable, we have a 1:45 minute drive each way to this location. And we are not on good terms.

I suppose I should use the time to apologize for not having it together but I really don't want to cry and I really don't want to admit I have depression. Even though he probably already knows.

So now I'm all anxious and miserable about that.

People say, well change things if your situation is that miserable. I AM TRYING. I keep trying to get other jobs but no one will hire me, because I have stuff on my record fr when I was drinking.

I applied to nursing school and they can't give me a definitive answer as to if I'm in or not until a few days before school starts on 8/18. I was supposed to know in spring! It's unnerving me. I have to be prepared for them to say no. And I'm supposed to not despise myself when this happens.

I feel like my arrest took away my ability to hope, to have dreams. I can never get excited about anything, because he answer is usually no. I have no hope for the future. In fact, the future terrifies me, because I am afraid I will never feel any better and nothing will change. At times, I feel like I've ruined my life. I will never be the person I could have been had this not happened.

And no, it's not expungeable. I have applied for clemency but that takes years and years.

Gilmer

I'm so sorry, Alaina.

Do you think you could lay it all on the line for your boss during this trip which is bound to be awkward, anyway? Tell him you know you're not producing nearly as well as you should be, because you've been diagnosed with a severe situational depression. You want to improve, and you want to do well at your job and not let him down. Is there a way he thinks you could be using your talents differently--perhaps in a different area?

Gilmer

At this point, could it hurt? Tell him you want to do your best, and you'd like to be a better fit.

alaina742

I am at least going to apologize for letting things get to this point. I am truly sorry for that.

His boss hates me. This isn't helping, but she is the type of person to hold a grudge and me and her have had a dicey history. I don't really care though. I feel she is a genuinely malicious and bad person so her opinion does not matter to me.

Because of her, I doubt I would be able to get a different position at work. Her and my recent performance. I've poisoned my own well...

I don't know what he thinks. There was clearly frustration in his dealings with me and these situations recently. I don't blame him.

I am going to try to get a different job (REALLY TRY and as a waitress, not anything technical) after I have an answer on school. If that ever happens. I think it is for the best. I plan to tell him this also. Not necessarily the waitress part. Just that I will be actively seeking other employment.

That's why I wish I just KNEW one way or another about school. This is ridiculous! It's been such a terrible experience that I wish I had never opened Pandora's box and applied. All this has gotten so much worse since then.

There is one person I'd like to send my résumé to. It's out of state. A big move. Of course, I will not allow myself to feel hopeful. Part of me wants to just get on he train Sunday and take the résumé there myself. I can't find an email to send it to and I don't want it getting lost in the mail. I think the trip may do me some good. Who knows? Maybe, and most likely, it will amount to absolutely nothing, but it allows me to feel...something. Not hope. But at least I'm trying as hard as I can to make things different.

Gilmer

I will be praying for you, both for your conversation with your boss, and your potential bold new move with your resume. Also for getting into school.

alaina742

Thank you so much. I pray, I get on my hands and knees and sob and beg. I used to really believe in God but these days I'm not so sure.

desypete

what i had to do when my son died at just 16 years old and i felt my life was over and i was locked up in my own pain was find a way out of it

i would have to look at the things i had around me and be grateful for them but i couldnt see them the way i see them today

you have a job wow !!! that is amazing that you have a job plenty of people would love to have a job and can not get one
you have somewere to live
wow that is amazing as plenty of people who are out on the streets would love to have somewhere to call home

you have all your limbs and good health ?
pop down to a local disabled hospital and see how happy some of those people are in life who dont have there limbs
or have a look at the young kids who will never get a chance to ever have a job or live a life as an adult

i am not trying to be hard on you here but more to try to get you to focus on things you do have and stop looking at things that you dont have yet

change jobs will come in time, if your depressed at work then let your employers know and see if they can help
i had to go back to work after losing my child to pay the rent etc as i also had my other kids to provide a home for
i didnt want to wanted to curl up and die as my life was over as far as i was concerned and i can still feel like it at times but i just have to push on and it soon passes when i am active and helping others i forget about my own pain for a while

i only offer this advise as you have said you have seen the drs and they also tell you that you need to change your lifestyle rather than increase a dose etc so i am glad you have seen the drs
so maybe if you try to alter your outlook a bit by doing things in a different frame of mind it might just help ?

i dont know if you attend aa meetings or not ? but i found the people and help i need in the meetings when i am in trouble with how i feel i soon get the answers i need there so maybe you could try aa ?
good luck to you

alaina742

I was raised by a disabled person. Who had such grace and poise through all her Heath struggles. I'm not necessarily willing to believe in God, but I absolutely do not believe all she is these days is dust and bones. Somewhere, her spirit lives on. I am asking her to help me. I know she would not leave me desolate. That's as close to a HP as I can get right now.

I know I am blessed but I can't "think" my way out of depression. I have tried and tried to change my attitude, I have begged God to change my attitude. I don't think it's an attitude thing at this point. I was literally just sitting on the porch thinking, I have a porch. I have a house. I ate today. Then I just hate myself even more, because I have everything and I'm not grateful.

I don't think I am a good person anymore. This is a big problem. I don't believe that I deserve for good things to happen to me. This is a new revelation. A good person would have showed up for work and done my job to the best of my ability. I don't know who I am anymore.

desypete

give up thinking your way out of a problem and start taking action to act your way out of a problem
make a plan of action that you have to stick to
i needed a plan just to get up in the morning as i felt so low and empty and i couldn't find the energy to do anything

i had to really start living a daily action plan that i just never really wanted to do or i would think it will not work for me so talk myself out of even trying

there is nothing that will work like magic no one else on the planet will wave a magic wand and turn anyone into a happy joyus and free person
we have to work at it daily
we need to practise things daily not give in after a day as we dont get the results and our heads tell us this isnt working after just a day or 2

so you know if you sit there and think about problems there not going to change and only make you think more and more about how these problems are making you feel low

the thing is when i found some of my problem had gone i still found other problems to replase them so i could sit and worry about them and feel low as its all i was used to doing in all my life

today i work hard on me to try to keep happy and stay happy but i need a plan of action that is going to make me get off my backside and work for it

of course i could always just sit there and not do anything but then i dont really think that will work for me

alaina742

I am taking action in terms of applying for other jobs and having applied to school. This, in particular, was a huge step.

I will try to keep it simple and just get through tomorrow. Which I already know is going to be a hot mess.

Gilmer

Get a good night's sleep. At least rest your body by lying in bed. You might very well be surprised by tomorrow's conversation. Something's got to give. At least it will show him that you're trying, and that you care.

alaina742

I'm so afraid to fall asleep. I'm afraid I won't wake up, or I will wake up feeling worse; so bad that I cannot force myself to go. It's all over if I don't go tomorrow. So much pressure.

Gilmer

There is a glimmer of hope in tomorrow. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If all else fails, you can be a waitress (work nights--the tabs and tips are bigger). Allow yourself some rest tonight.

Croissant

hi Alaina, and just reading your dialogue to yourself is really not positive.

I'm not surprised you are waking up feeling overwhelmed. Is this dialogue helping you get what you want out of life? No, not in any way.

I can only offer what has helped me, and that is a lot of hard work on feeding myself lots of thoughts that reinforce that I'm on a better path, rather than gasping for air and panicking about everything.

It's hard. It's not easy at times, but if you heard someone saying the above to a friend, you would be mortified.

alaina742

I keep reading this over and over: a Twitter message from someone I admire and respect greatly, following my rejection from grad school in 2012. Just about two years ago.

I'm not happy to hear that but I know your path will be profound and purposeful. Peace to you.

I thought it was lost forever when I got a new phone, but I was messing around on Twitter and there it was.

It makes me happy to think someone of such stature would think I could have an impact on the world. Just goes to show you that the smallest acts of kindness we do each day may be something that has the most profound impact on someone. Kindness, in the moment, is all we ever have.

If he thinks I'm worth something (he went out of his way to personally reccomended me for an interview for the grad school program) I must not be so bad. I trust his judgement.

This one little message has brought me a lot of comfort today. Perhaps a HP led me to it after all this time.

alaina742

So I woke up. And I'm here. Waiting. The sooner we get to leave, the sooner this fiasco is over. It will be about 1:30 until my boss gets here.

alaina742

OK, so it is URGENT and we have to do this ASAP. Yet, he can't make it today!!! So I have to either go out there myself or freak out all day again like yesterday. I have no idea which to do.

Eddiebuckle

Alaina, this may sound like a minor detail but it was really important for me to learn in early sobriety. I always one who would tend to get really negative when my expectations and hopes weren't met. In response to those situations, I would tend to go in the opposite extreme - recoil, isolate, negative self talk, pessimism, etc.

In working my 5th step in AA, my sponsor picked up on this habit, as it seemed to play itself out a number of times in major turning points in my life: first girlfriend, college, work, etc. Here is what I learned: my expectations were always anchored in a very specific outcome. I felt that my investment of time, energy, love, commitment, etc. was an investment of myself and my just reward for that investment was the outcome I had imagined. If that specific outcome did not occur, I felt that life had cheated me - again. This in turn fed a tendency for me to play the victim, which fed my pessimism, which led me to limit the things I would attempt that really could have improved my life. It was a vicious negative loop, and in many ways a self fulfilling prophecy.

My sponsor helped me make this change: instead of investing my emotional energy in the outcome, I learned to focus my attention solely on the actions that I undertook, not the outcome. I am responsible for doing the best I can reasonably do under the circumstances, NOT the outcome. I am not god, I cannot expect people and events to unfold in any particular way. When I began to lose my attachment to the outcome, I found more peace. Peace allowed me to carry out my part to the best of my ability, without foreboding or passive aggressive thinking (i.e. "they better give me that raise!!").

I don't know if this is of value to you, but I do wish you well. Good luck!

Eddiebuckle

Alaina,

Could you call or text your boss and ask if he/she would like to you go solo since he/she is unable to make it today?

alaina742

I cannot do anything until our main office approves the paperwork we need the person to sign. That may or may not happen today. I've sent it in, all I can do is wait.

I just feel broken, like I've lost the ability to have hope.