506 days sober and feeing suicidal
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Thank you, all.
All that you are saying is probably right, and even makes sense.
Unfortunately, yesterday, when I had no single cent to buy food and literally starved for more than a day, feeling dizzy at work , not being able to focus on what I was doing and having a challenging project while still on trial period at work, and just being plain humiliatingly hungry - nothing helped me.
They didn't trade me being compassionate for food at a grocery store. Me being caring and thoughtful didn't protect me from being exposed to another harassing call from bank. And courage didn't make up for all the above either.
I think if I were a heartless b***, chances are I would't end up where I am now - in constant fear, worries and extreme poverty which never loses its grip on me - even though when I am free from this. I probably wouldn't let anyone to manipulate me away.
Even that small I have in life has been earned with my soul bleeding all the way, giving my life away for the mere survival, not living. And when I dared to break beyond the boundaries of survival, my old beliefs punished me for this.
I can't take survival for purpose for living any longer.
I starved at 12 years old - when I just had no time to make mistakes to deserve it, and yet felt guilty because my mother was a "textbook martyr".
I am 38 years old - and here I am. Making stories to new colleagues why I don't go for lunch. Making stories to peers...hm....sounds familiar...
Oh, yeah. I am a grown up person. I am responsible for my life. It's up to me to change my subconscious and my reality. Right. Easy peasy.
I have no life. None. And I don't want whatever pretends to be my life.
I started hurting myself. Not cutting - surely I am more creative. I hit my feast against the wall until it hurts. My knuckles are bruised. My inner pain can't stay within my body any longer. It consumes me. And it is not life.
All that you are saying is probably right, and even makes sense.
Unfortunately, yesterday, when I had no single cent to buy food and literally starved for more than a day, feeling dizzy at work , not being able to focus on what I was doing and having a challenging project while still on trial period at work, and just being plain humiliatingly hungry - nothing helped me.
They didn't trade me being compassionate for food at a grocery store. Me being caring and thoughtful didn't protect me from being exposed to another harassing call from bank. And courage didn't make up for all the above either.
I think if I were a heartless b***, chances are I would't end up where I am now - in constant fear, worries and extreme poverty which never loses its grip on me - even though when I am free from this. I probably wouldn't let anyone to manipulate me away.
Even that small I have in life has been earned with my soul bleeding all the way, giving my life away for the mere survival, not living. And when I dared to break beyond the boundaries of survival, my old beliefs punished me for this.
I can't take survival for purpose for living any longer.
I starved at 12 years old - when I just had no time to make mistakes to deserve it, and yet felt guilty because my mother was a "textbook martyr".
I am 38 years old - and here I am. Making stories to new colleagues why I don't go for lunch. Making stories to peers...hm....sounds familiar...
Oh, yeah. I am a grown up person. I am responsible for my life. It's up to me to change my subconscious and my reality. Right. Easy peasy.
I have no life. None. And I don't want whatever pretends to be my life.
I started hurting myself. Not cutting - surely I am more creative. I hit my feast against the wall until it hurts. My knuckles are bruised. My inner pain can't stay within my body any longer. It consumes me. And it is not life.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Can your ex help you with groceries, seeing that you have a good job now and will be earning actual money soon? Maybe just to buy a whole lot of rice and beans for the month, just to get by.
I realize that must sound like putting a band-aid on cancer, but a period of time you could count on for steady food would be at least something: a solid foundation. It doesn't have to be the healthiest food--just enough to fill your stomach so you can concentrate.
With a bit of sustenance you would be in a more sound frame of mind to plan the quality of the rest of your life.
There is a particular reason you are on earth, MB.
I realize that must sound like putting a band-aid on cancer, but a period of time you could count on for steady food would be at least something: a solid foundation. It doesn't have to be the healthiest food--just enough to fill your stomach so you can concentrate.
With a bit of sustenance you would be in a more sound frame of mind to plan the quality of the rest of your life.
There is a particular reason you are on earth, MB.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Hi MidnightBlue.
Being suicidal like I once was, I can relate to your thinking, by way of suicide, of being finally removed from the intense deep unrelenting hurt. It really was an attractive option. Back when, I had *apparently* so carefully thought out whatever was required from me to successfully suicide. I was so sure living was the worst option. Yeah, death wasn't *really* what I wanted, but forever living an ungenuine life was even worse because I hated what I had become in my own eyes. I looked to myself as someone living a life which was totally false to how I personally and privately felt and thought of myself. So why didn't I actually off myself?
Well, suicide is a no win option when it comes to pain and hurt. It really pained me just to be seriously considering suicide, and so just giving up my want for suicide as an option really helped me to junk so much of my internalized pains.
Speaking for myself, I wanted to seriously be dead back when because life for me seemed unlivable. I was right to believe it was unlivable because back then it absolutely was. I was wrong though, at the time, to not appreciate how my suicidal ideations were enough on their own to make my life undoable. I needed to change my life to recreate a life worth living. It is important to realize, I think anyways, that suicidal ideations are not something to be reduced to merely nothing more then "wrong thinking" as contemplating suicide is much more than just being confused...
It might surprise you (it did me) to know that ongoing suicidal ideations alone can create *intolerable* experiences of already felt hurt, anger, sorrow, shame, confusion, self-hate, weakness, despair, and so on and on... we often don't realize just how intensely damaged we become with ongoing suicidal ideations constantly in play.
MidnightBlue, I have no quick answers for how to deal with your current circumstances. I do very much believe reaching out and getting relief from your present ideations is the best choice here.
Believe me, suicide is not a workable relief from your troubles.
Being suicidal like I once was, I can relate to your thinking, by way of suicide, of being finally removed from the intense deep unrelenting hurt. It really was an attractive option. Back when, I had *apparently* so carefully thought out whatever was required from me to successfully suicide. I was so sure living was the worst option. Yeah, death wasn't *really* what I wanted, but forever living an ungenuine life was even worse because I hated what I had become in my own eyes. I looked to myself as someone living a life which was totally false to how I personally and privately felt and thought of myself. So why didn't I actually off myself?
Well, suicide is a no win option when it comes to pain and hurt. It really pained me just to be seriously considering suicide, and so just giving up my want for suicide as an option really helped me to junk so much of my internalized pains.
Speaking for myself, I wanted to seriously be dead back when because life for me seemed unlivable. I was right to believe it was unlivable because back then it absolutely was. I was wrong though, at the time, to not appreciate how my suicidal ideations were enough on their own to make my life undoable. I needed to change my life to recreate a life worth living. It is important to realize, I think anyways, that suicidal ideations are not something to be reduced to merely nothing more then "wrong thinking" as contemplating suicide is much more than just being confused...
It might surprise you (it did me) to know that ongoing suicidal ideations alone can create *intolerable* experiences of already felt hurt, anger, sorrow, shame, confusion, self-hate, weakness, despair, and so on and on... we often don't realize just how intensely damaged we become with ongoing suicidal ideations constantly in play.
MidnightBlue, I have no quick answers for how to deal with your current circumstances. I do very much believe reaching out and getting relief from your present ideations is the best choice here.
Believe me, suicide is not a workable relief from your troubles.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,008
MB. I love you loads...you and I have walked through so much together.
I have been suicidal in the past, and made a couple of attempts. I have been in the dark place you are, and it seems like you don't want to take another step.
When my kids were little, I planned to take them with me, and I worked out how to do it. In later years, I had planned it down to the very last detail. Every day I woke up and wondered if that would be the day. In fact, the only reason I didn't was that I was filled with the most awful fatigue...I felt like I literally was walking through treacle and any effort hurt.
My lovely friend...I got through it. I got treatment for depression and it helped. I know you have money problems, and treatment might have to wait, but is there a suicide hotline you can phone, just have someone to talk to.
Don't give up, your life is so precious ❤️❤️❤️
I have been suicidal in the past, and made a couple of attempts. I have been in the dark place you are, and it seems like you don't want to take another step.
When my kids were little, I planned to take them with me, and I worked out how to do it. In later years, I had planned it down to the very last detail. Every day I woke up and wondered if that would be the day. In fact, the only reason I didn't was that I was filled with the most awful fatigue...I felt like I literally was walking through treacle and any effort hurt.
My lovely friend...I got through it. I got treatment for depression and it helped. I know you have money problems, and treatment might have to wait, but is there a suicide hotline you can phone, just have someone to talk to.
Don't give up, your life is so precious ❤️❤️❤️
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
I'm sorry you're in so much pain MB.
Again, I urge you to at least call one of those crisis numbers or otherwise get some help.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
there's good reading in that link too.
Making a lifetime decision on the way you feel today would be tragic. I couldn't see that things would get better but I didn't want to die either.
I'm glad I stuck around - it took time and patience but I found the happiness and the peace I was always looking for.
I'm sorry that none of us is familiar with the way things work in Russia - but there must be some way of getting a meal at least?
There must be many many people in your position there MB - what do they do?
You have my prayers, thoughts and best wishes,
D
Again, I urge you to at least call one of those crisis numbers or otherwise get some help.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
there's good reading in that link too.
Making a lifetime decision on the way you feel today would be tragic. I couldn't see that things would get better but I didn't want to die either.
I'm glad I stuck around - it took time and patience but I found the happiness and the peace I was always looking for.
I'm sorry that none of us is familiar with the way things work in Russia - but there must be some way of getting a meal at least?
There must be many many people in your position there MB - what do they do?
You have my prayers, thoughts and best wishes,
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
MB 
darling girl , you and I have travelled many a weary road together.
Yet we also travelled many a high road.
Remember those wonderful poems you wrote sweetheart, I loved them. They came from your soul.
We ALL loved them.
Life can be so gut wrenching at times , but you are too valuable a resource to be lost.
I have ALWAYS loved you & admired the obstacles you have overcome in your life & the things you have shared have been so poignant.
You WILL get through this , I have NO doubt.
Please ring someone or get some help . PM me , I'm always here .
You are wayyyyyy to precious .
Much love always hunnybunny ,
Wendy
darling girl , you and I have travelled many a weary road together.Yet we also travelled many a high road.
Remember those wonderful poems you wrote sweetheart, I loved them. They came from your soul.
We ALL loved them.
Life can be so gut wrenching at times , but you are too valuable a resource to be lost.
I have ALWAYS loved you & admired the obstacles you have overcome in your life & the things you have shared have been so poignant.
You WILL get through this , I have NO doubt.
Please ring someone or get some help . PM me , I'm always here .
You are wayyyyyy to precious .
Much love always hunnybunny ,
Wendy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
((MB))
Have you contact you the links that Dee put up?... I love that you are talking to us. I would love you to talk to them like you talk to us.!
My daughter is a social worker and works with mental health clinics here in Australia.
The social worker side can take care of a lot of the things to do with all the stuff that can not be managed or is too hard to manage when we get sick. Everything from making sure the cat has enough food, arranging cleaners if wanted/needed, transport and helping with sorting out finances, etc, etc...also good for just having a chat!
It is not unusual for finances and lack of them go hand in hand with mental health. (Any sort of poor health really, I guess.)
Sometimes, it is financial pressure that can trigger despair and compound to depression or visa versa, depression can result in the loss of income and stability.
They can get in there with your permission and make arrangements with your debtors on your behalf and in some circumstances have a lot wavered.
They work closely with a team which includes the Docs and psychologist, they look at your meds and behaviour, social, family, housing and financial stability if needed. What can help you in your situation!! A bit more of a holistic approach with the aim of getting you well and back on all round even ground.
I just thought this info might help...
It is great you are working and the beautiful thing is that even though it doesn't feel like it now but things can turn around for you really quickly with a little support.
Have you contact you the links that Dee put up?... I love that you are talking to us. I would love you to talk to them like you talk to us.!
My daughter is a social worker and works with mental health clinics here in Australia.
The social worker side can take care of a lot of the things to do with all the stuff that can not be managed or is too hard to manage when we get sick. Everything from making sure the cat has enough food, arranging cleaners if wanted/needed, transport and helping with sorting out finances, etc, etc...also good for just having a chat!
It is not unusual for finances and lack of them go hand in hand with mental health. (Any sort of poor health really, I guess.)
Sometimes, it is financial pressure that can trigger despair and compound to depression or visa versa, depression can result in the loss of income and stability.
They can get in there with your permission and make arrangements with your debtors on your behalf and in some circumstances have a lot wavered.
They work closely with a team which includes the Docs and psychologist, they look at your meds and behaviour, social, family, housing and financial stability if needed. What can help you in your situation!! A bit more of a holistic approach with the aim of getting you well and back on all round even ground.
I just thought this info might help...
It is great you are working and the beautiful thing is that even though it doesn't feel like it now but things can turn around for you really quickly with a little support.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,008
MB hasn't checked in here for a while. I am also friends with her on Facebook and have sent her a few messages via messanger. She hasn't picked those up either. I've also tried face timing.
I am really concerned for her wellbeing, but have run out of avenues to follow.
MB...you are loved. ❤️❤️❤️
I am really concerned for her wellbeing, but have run out of avenues to follow.
MB...you are loved. ❤️❤️❤️
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
