I've been discharged!

[eddie z.]

Last Friday, after 22 days in partial hospitalization/intensive outpatient, they discharged me. Not because I was so much better as because I'd been on the program long enough! The doctor even said he was disappointed in my progress.

I'm doing just about all I can to get better, but it is SO HARD and SO SLOW! I can't seem to stay out of the bed or use the phone. Those are the two biggest things I think. I'm still tired most of the time and I procrastinate on and/or forget about making calls. So I know things I need to work on.

Maybe I just need a swift kick, huh? Except that sort of thing seems to make me feel worse. Some kind of jump start. I even tried to convince my group therapist I needed ECT! LOL. Is that really far-fetched, though? Anybody round here had shock treatment? I'm just that frustrated...... :banghead:
Thanks for being here and listening to me whine again.
Love, Eddie

[runningfree]

You have "heard" me whine.... many times and you gave me the compassion and understanding that I too am going to give you! I don't understand what is really going on with you (I am ignorant and naive), but you can't give up and think that all you need is to get a kick. If you are doing your best then the rest is up to other forces and that is what you are seeking help with. Please don't let it get you down. You have given me that swift kick many times in a way of kindness and understanding that it isn't always in our control and we need to try to seek additional help from others. Keep working with your doctor and your therapist and those that you trust and are professionals at what they do. They will help you. If they give up then go to someone else. (maybe you'll meet them again when they hit your car!!! ha ha ha)

Today is the last day of school and it is bittersweet because some of my kids I wish I could have forever and some I need to just say goodbye to and hope that next year they grow up a little and the next teacher can make a difference in their lives.

Do what you need to do and if you are tired then you are tired. Keep close to the doctors and get other opinions if you feel uncomfortable with the professional advice.
Best to you....
--Sharon

[namommy]

Eddie,

We've all had our moments of "whining". Just wake up each day, and tell yourself that you will be the best person YOU can be that day. That's all we can do. if we do our best, the growth will happen in spite of ourselves. As far as procrastination, I am the QUEEN. I work on it a little at a time, and it gets better. that's all any of us can do.

Laurie D.

[eddie z.]

Thank you so much, Sharon and Laurie!!

I think what's freaking me out is that I've gone from seeing a psychiatrist about every other day and a therapist every day to not seeing anybody professional for over two weeks. I was discharged last Friday but I won't see my doctor or therapist until after July 4. I guess I'm feeling kind of lost without somewhere to go each morning, too.

BUT! I'm going to tan and turn in an actual job application in a little bit, so I'm not sleeping ALL the time. Thanks again, y'all!

Love, Eddie

P.S. Anybody seen woodtick/Brent?

[runningfree]

I have not seen him active in a while. I was going to PM him, but I thought that I would wait because he might have been busy with school ending! I hope he is okay!

It is hard to go from having someone to lean on and then waiting and not having anyone. My therapist is the ONLY face to face person that I can talk to and 50 minutes every week is tough and she will be on vacation for 2 weeks. I hear you!
Hang in there!

[eddie z.]

I sent Brent a PM a while ago and got a response that didn't sound too great, but that's been a week or two. I hope he's alright also.

I was only seeing my therapist twice a month, so maybe I don't have it so bad. I lay down for a couple of hours this afternoon, but really it's been an OK day! I called my sponsor and we talked for a while and I tried to call my professional program monitor, so I actually picked up the phone. It's slow, but it's progress.

Thanks for the empathy, Sharon!
Love, Eddie

[eddie z.]

I got a PM from Brent! He's OK. He's around. I wish he'd share out here again though. I should've told him that, huh?

I'm still improving slowly. I've applied for a couple of jobs and I went to my Caduceus (healthcare professionals in recovery) meeting last night. Brent said he thought things started falling apart when I went on the Straterra. I think it has more to do with being OFF the Wellbutrin. It seems like we just can't find meds that work without too many side effects.

Well, I'm up too early for when I went to bed, so I'm going back to bed for a bit. I'll check in later. Thanks everybody!!
Love, Eddie

[eddie z.]

Just playing around!

[eddie z.]

^^^Here is a link to a really cool 12-Step fellowship for those of us with addiction AND other mental illnesses. Check it out!
Love, Eddie

[KelKel]

It is such a nightmare to find the right combination of medications, it is such a hit and miss scenario.
I wished wellbutrin would have worked for me, I was starting to see things like bugs on the wall, but knew in my mind that they were not real.
So I stopped that one...
Ya I feel like a medical experiment... :bigeyes:

[eddie z.]

Kellie,
Thanks for the support! We may have something close to the right combination now, although my sleep is still kind of screwy. I'm on Zoloft, Straterra, Abilify, and naltrexone, plus some supplements for ADD. The sleep isn't really too much or too little now; the schedule is just off. I nap in the afternoons and stay up at night and sleep late in the morning. That should be easily remedied.

Still struggling with lack of energy and motivation, but I can see that it is SLOWLY improving, so I keep my hopes up! Thanks again.
Love, Eddie

P.S. Hope everybody has a great weekend! :usa1:

[KelKel]

Hi Eddie
I have been on all of those meds. this past year and 1/2, plus a few others.
Right now I am only taking the zoloft and nutritional supplements and that seems to be working out pretty good, just praying I don't get manic, then it will be time to add something like the abilify.
:sink
Thank the stars I know how to swim...

[eddie z.]

Kellie,
Thanks so much again for the support. And I guess I should thank MY stars I'm not bipolar in addition to all this other mess. That would complicate things. I really feel for you and all the other "polar bears" who have to deal with addiction too. It's terribly tricky, I know.

I was diagnosed with and treated for bipolar disorder for a few years, but it turned out, I think, that we were mistaking anxiety and some depressive symptoms for mania. I've never really been manic, I don't reckon. Thank HP. I hear it's risky for someone with BPD to be on an antidepressant without a mood stabilizer or other adjunct, but you seem to be aware of that. Just keep an eye on yourself !

Love, Eddie