FeelingGreat

Hi everyone
This post is inspired by Liss74 and Leana and it really got me thinking. Liss went to a sober gathering and no-one spoke to her. Leana gave her some great advice on how to start and maintain a conversation.
In this season of social gatherings how do you overcome shyness without drinking or other DOC as a social lubricant? I loved drinking because it took away my feelings of shyness and helped me enjoy myself. I'll say up front - that was a good thing about wine for me, but I couldn't leave it at just a couple so now I have to do without it and still function.
So all you wallflowers and social butterflies please give us some practical hints for getting a conversation going, meeting new people and having FUN at social gatherings. Do you think about body language as well as what to say?

fearNloathing

I’m not going to lie I have never had an issue with being shy, sober or otherwise, but when I’m in a situation where I don’t know many people I tend to break the ice by getting people to talk about themselves. Complementing someone is another good way to break the ice too, most people love to be complemented and during this time of year everyone is dressed to the nines so it’s easy to go up to someone and tell them you love their shoes, a pieces of jewelry or how they have their hair done.
Also getting people talking about their kids is another way to strike up a conversation, people love talking about their little ones.
Being a good observer and noticing your body language as well as theirs helps, no arm folding or standing with your hands or your hips makes you seem standoffish.
I do tend to stay clear of people who are tapping away on their phones or pads, it’s annoying to me and I find those people lack any real social skills if they are not on-line.

Here is a link to a list of things that can help overcome shyness. Hope it helps.
20 Ways to Overcome Shyness

HJIK

I still have the 'shyness' from time to time, that crippling feeling that won't let you speak or act but its nothing like it was when I first got sober or even the first year, I have been sober for 3 years minus a few 'slips' (intentional use in search of 'fun') that never materialized.

The shyness or social anxiety went from crippling paralysis in the beginning of sobriety to just a nuisance or minor handicap today.

HJIK

I am reading the link about the social anxiety, with me it was more like "anxiety anxiety".

I was scared of the anxiety and that caused the anxiety more than anything , only people reading a mental health forum would get it.

soberhal9

I was and still am at times painfully shy, and did suffer from social anxiety. What helped me was working the 12 steps, continued to live in 10,11,12. But what helped me the most was service, chairing meetings, speaking commitments, sharing it meetings. and trusting God. and practicing putting myself in social situations. I got rid of my need of approval from others, and I am started to get of sense of self. It takes time and practice.

Charlieshappy84

I am so shy in new social situations that I only attended 2 aa meetings because I felt that I would never be able to speak and contribute to group discussion. Ever. and I have done 8 months on my own. I just found this online hep yesterday and it is amazing to finally be able to speak to others like myself.

Justincredible

I have that feeling of not having anything to contribute too. Its always been a problem with me in group settings. With aa meetings it seems even harder.

Riverbird

Oooh how did I miss this thread before?! Definitely an issue for me!

Just like everything else in life, I'm always on one extreme or the other. Usually depending on how I enter in to a social situation, I either don't say a word or never shut up. For aa related stuff my sponsor has a look she gives me and I know right away i've been talking way too long. (I think it all gets pent up in there from my bouts of silence! lol). For non aa stuff, I'll either end up hiding in the corner or be the one on stage singing karaoke and making a fool out of myself. But at least now I remember the foolish things I did the following day! Haha

What works for me? Not much yet...I can convince myself to be outgoing but I become too outgoing...probably out of nerves. Though most people now tell me they can't imagine me being shy, which cracks me up and also makes me happy because I feel like I've succeeded in some way. I will always say a prayer beforehand, and then many more prayers during. Depending on how I'm feeling I will also have a mantra of some sort...usually something along the lines of "I have a voice worthy of being heard," or something silly like, "People can and do like me." I try to remember that no one knows how nervous I am unless I tell them, and that others are probably nervous as well.

I also find places I can "practice." I work with kids and I had to learn fast that groups of kids wouldn't take me seriously if they heard uncertainty in my voice. I still prefer to work one on one with kids but being with groups helped me find my confident voice. AA also did that for me as I worked up to being able to share at meetings. To get to that point I first shared at a meeting at a retirement community (that I first went to by accident but grew to like) because they were the most non-threatening group of people I could've come up with. AA people in general are pretty supportive though. Now I've stretched that from just meetings into social events with AA people, and slowly from there into "regular" type social events.

HJIK

Practice is everything , those meeting used to freak me out now I can say what I want to say most of the time.

Someone passed on that saying to me "don't judge your insides by other peoples outsides" and I thought about it in a meeting with about 20 people and everyone shared right to left in a circle and I could see most peoples breath patterns change and the effort put in not to appear nervous as there turn to share got closer.

I will never understand social anxiety, I used to do landscaping and tree work that included climbing trees with a chainsaw to lop off dead branches or live ones if people wanted more sun in there yard, lots of ways to get hurt real bad and it didn't bother me a bit but put me in front of a group of new people to speak and hello nasty anxiety, it makes no sense at all.


This link is worth reading,

"Identify the Core Belief
Identifying a core belief is like solving a mystery of the illusions in your mind. You have to follow some clues to get down to the hidden beliefs in the unconscious. Let’s use the example of fear of public speaking. Fear of public speaking isn’t a core belief. It is an emotional reaction to a belief. "

Read more Change Core Beliefs | Identify and changing Core Beliefs | Behaviors | False Beliefs

With me it got to the point that fear of anxiety was causing anxiety , a self for filling prophecy, my core belief was "I always get anxiety"