Jeni26

Ok, after a few months of pretty intensive counselling, and me really starting to open up about stuff, my therapist has decided that I've got DID.
After hearing about what it is and doing a bit of research I would have to agree. There are many times as a child that I 'escaped' in my head and lived in a parallel world, but even as an adult when I'm under extreme stress there are conversations or passages of time that pass that I don't remember afterwards. This week my daughter told me about a conversation I'd had with her that I have no memory of. The stuff I talked to her about ( the date I finish work), wasn't even true or factual. I'm under lots of work stress and recently lost a friend to cancer so I guess there is a lot going on. But on the surface, I'm happy and focused and doing well in sobriety.

This is scary stuff for me. Has anyone any words of support?

dox

Sounds like you are well placed to deal with any problems that life might throw at you. Fear or no fear, we all have problems to deal with in sobriety.

I find that everyday life dealing with other humans, without a drink or a drug on board, to be very challenging at times. But, nowadays (8 years sober) the fearful times are fewer; the joyous times prevail.

Everyone, that I listen to, says that it gets better.

It does.

Huxley

Hey beautiful

I used to do this in my twenties, but the other way around - I would refer to conversations and incidents which other people would tell me had never happened. It was only a couple of years ago that a friend (the mental health nurse I talk about) told me that it was a symptom of DID.

What frightened me was the fact that I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't even after I'd been told. There was no 'oh yeah, now I remember'. For a long time (I was also doing drugs remember, associated paranoia) I thought that people were conspiring to have me put away. In fact, some therapy would have probably done me a lot of good.

I either grew out of it, or no longer needed it as a coping mechanism - I certainly haven't noticed an incident in the last few years. I have other pain-in-the-ass mental problems, such as Formal Thought Disorder and I hallucinate fairly regularly, but these are more socially embarrassing than frightening.

My strongest recommendation is to not hide from it. Tell a few trusted people what's happening, and let them know how you'd like them to react (for me, not call to me crazy and to understand that even though I'm laughing, I really appreciate it if they don't see it as a joke - I'm laughing so I don't cry...)

And don't see it as a long-term thing. You're right, you're under crazy amounts of stress and grieving. It makes sense that your brain will take refuge in a mechanism that worked when you were a child.

Oh, and it helps me to remember that it IS my brain, and not my personality or thoughts that are acting up. Just a medical issue.

Love you to bits, Jen. Don't let this shake you too much, okay? xxxx

Jeni26

Aww Hux, thankyou! Xxx

I'm just so scared that I'm going to miss something important or give the wrong information to someone at work. I've been worrying about it for a while, which then sort of feeds into the work stress even more. My job is really crisis management at the mo, and I guess my way of managing crisis has always been to 'escape' somewhere in my head. There are whole days sometimes that I don't remember afterwards. People ask me about situations that I don't recall how I handled.

Just crazy stuff. I need a break from work that's for sure.

Thankyou for sharing your stuff. It means a lot. Xxx

Huxley

Darling, any time! I've only just realised you and I have never talked about psych stuff. I have long history and a complicated present!

As for being scared you'll miss something important/give someone the wrong info, why don't you put that into the same category as everyone who has ever has a job with responsibility and made an error haha! It's okay to mess up at work. And you hate your job - screw it if you make a mistake! Everyone does, everyone, so let yourself off the hook a little okay?

Me and H were watching an episode of House recently (like most of my generation, everything that matters in life, I learned on the television ) and Cuddy was freaking out, and Wilson (bless) asked her quite angrily, why do women give themselves such ridiculously high expectations? We do everything the boys do, and better half the time because we need to prove we can do it just as well, and motherhood and wifehood and sisterhood and housekeeper and and and -

So you'll make a mistake. No one will know it's because of DID They'll just think you made a mistake.

And start looking for another job already!

LDT

Jeni, darlin', BREATHE.....

I am so glad you are safe and sober. You've a lot on your plate. I could likely be diagnosed with the same condition as well because I'm always "going inside" . It's what abused people do, I would assume. My only words of encouragement would be to not worry so much about the "label" of DID ( cause the label or diagnosis could sound scary indeed ). Just maybe look at it like ' Ok, now I know what's going on...lets fix it.". And you fix things well, my friend. That's obvious. ....I vote for the break from work. Actually you already know I vote for finding a new job altogether.

Jeni26

Thankyou. You're right, both of you x

zanzibar

Hi Jeni, I know how scary it is when this is confirmed, but you have to remember that the person you are now is still the same person you were before you found this out.

Does your T feel you are DID, or that you Dissociate? There is a difference.


Take good care Jeni. If you'd like to talk about this feel free to PM anytime.

Jeni26

Both. The dissociation was diagnosed early on. I've been seeing her about 5 months or so now.

The DID was diagnosed just today. But yeah, it all fits. And it scares me.

She said exactly the same as you. I'm the same person today as I was yesterday, a label makes no difference. She said that I've survived so far living like this and nothing major has gone wrong as a result. But it is almost like I can't trust myself now. I can deal with the dissociation, I've always known I've done that, but this is different. Scarier.

Thanks Z x

zanzibar

Does it feel to you that you've somehow become different since you walked into that office yesterday? Cause personally I think you're still the same Jeni. The only thing different is that you now understand better and have an answer for yourself. But as I said, I understand how scary it can be.

There are many options available to you at this point. Relax and let yourself be who you are. Continue working with your T in order to discover these options, we can never move forward without first understanding what it is that's holding us back. So think of it as having completed the first step in moving forward.

Take good care Jeni.

Threshold

Hi,

I have dissociative disorder. Have had it my entire life.

Gotta say, it's helped me more than it's hurt me! It's allowed me to deal with things without imploding many many times.

On the other hand there are times that get weird because I get too detached from reality and start to "strobe"...

but mostly it's fine. Getting a formal diagnosis only means someone has put a name on it, not that it's more serious than it ever was, or is going to get worse now that it's been named.

Things will probably go on just like they have...except now when you dissociate, you will know what's going on and be LESS likely to freak out about it!

Jeni26

Thankyou threshold.

I do feel a little easier about it this morning. Thanks to all for sharing your experiences. It helped me very much x

raku

I am at a loss..what is DID ?

zanzibar

Dissociative Identity Disorder

raku

Ok ! Thanks...I feel like a moron ! I guess I don't Have that, but at times I loose contact
with what I want to accomplish, and just WANT to dis-associate.Does that qualify me
for DIS ?

zanzibar

Sorry I guess that maybe deserves a link so maybe others who are interested can also understand.

I'm not advertising another forum, it's just that this explains it's basics well.
Dissociative Identity Disorder Marlene Steinberg - explanations of DES Scale - DID

Sorry Jeni I don't mean to make it seem like I'm taking over your thread cause I'm not.

WeDoRecover12

Thank you for being so open about this, it really helped.

raku

Thanks Zanzibar ! I will take a look at that forum.

raku

Lyoness

Hi Jeni. I really appreciate you sharing this, too.

I have Dissociative disorder, have dissociated all my life. When I first had a name for it I felt both frightened and freed. I felt freed because it meant I was NOT crazy, just using one of the few coping mechanisms available to a child living through horror. I could also start becoming aware of it and working with it which was both freeing and frightening.

I also think I had some level of DID during childhood and adolescence. It started shifting in my twenties to mostly the "regular" Dissociative disorder. I don't know the timing but do think I spontaneously integrated whatever alters/parts I had when I was younger.

I have had both close friends and acquaintenances with DID. They are some of the strongest, bravest and most creative people I've met. It takes a lot of intelligence and creativity as well as strength to create a survival strategy like DID. In NLP they would call it an elegant coping strategy.

I knew one person who chose to integrate, one who didn't and some who spontanteously did. Now that you know you can start working with it and deciding whatever is best for you. It sounds like you have a great therapist to work with, too. And from what I've read of your posts, you are a very strong woman who is committed to healing and that is all that really matters.

Take care.

Hammer

We (kids and I) watch Mrs. Hammer bounce through them from time-to-tlime. Voice changes, stance, whole shift.

We have named them, and my daughter drew them as various persona(s) / characters to sort of keep track and function with them.