New add to advice welcomed...help

[runningfree]

Thanks thanks and more thanks to all that replied to my post...ADVICE WELCOMED.
I had a meeting with my therapist and I explained that everyone here is so kind and nice and supportive, but I can't believe that it is going to work. I told her that I have been getting more anxious with the support and kind words because I feel even more like I am not going to make it because maybe I don't want to change versus can't change. I don't know which it is right now. It appears right now that the medication combo is making me jittery and anxious, but I am not sure if I am creating this because I am so desperate for something to work favorably. If the choice is up to me then I will not be making the positive choice right now. I choose to get better, but all I can do is what I am doing and feels like nothing because I can't feel anything but desperation, and disgust for my thoughts and feelings. I know I shouldn't feel this way and if I talked to people that didn't know I was faking it they would think that I am a wonderful teacher, mother, extremely patient, funny and always willing to help. I am struggling so hard to keep up this facade so that the world would not see me as I trully am. I appear extremely organized, but I am hiding my true self. I am hopiing to not make a drastic mistake before the end of the year. My husband sees me as my true self and he says that I am ALWAYS negative and never patient and NEVER happy. "It is so difficult to live with me." I have no energy left. I could quit my job, but then it would get out to the community and we live in such a small town that it would be over if ANYONE found out about me. They would talk behind my back that they couldn't believe that their child was in my care. I just hope the summer months help me to regroup and deal better and face what is really true and accept what I can not change. I am who I am and that is it. I have to accept it even though I may not like it.
Thanks for letting me type these words.
It is not making the pain at all less hurtful. My therapist even suggested that I may consider not checking in here if I am getting so anxious and frustrated. "why do something that makes you feel so upset?" I don't know what to do! Help!

[woodtick]

Sharon,
All I can say is try not to be in a hurry with recovery. It took you a long time to get to where you are and it will take time to get back to normal. I believe you just went on your meds didn't you? It usually takes three weeks for them to take full effect then you need therapy time while the drugs are at their peak. Kick back and think about something else if you can. Distractions are good as long as they don't trigger anxiety. Running would be good to get your endorphins going but I don't know how you feel about that. Time aids in recovery. People tend to regress to their regular self. Just wait for a while and try not to agonize over it. I think you will be feeling better soon.

Have you tried any other therapists? I know yours came highly recommended but maybe depression isn't what she is best at. You shouldn't be getting stressed out and upset by getting support and positive messages. Maybe I am leading you to believe things will happen instantly, if that is so it is not my intention. I think you need to let the drugs and time do what they do for a while yet. Summer break is coming that should be a big kicker. I have about two weeks left of school and it can't come soon enough. Hang in there Sharon.

[eddie z.]

Sharon,
Brent is so wise, isn't he? I think patience is very important, too. I know I want to feel better NOW, but I have to keep reminding myself that it does take time, like Brent said.

I put some other stuff on your older thread, too. Keep hanging in there and I will, too!
Love, Eddie

[Juls]

Hi Sharon,

One thing in your post that hit a note with me is:

" know I shouldn't feel this way and if I talked to people that didn't know I was faking it they would think that I am a wonderful teacher, mother, extremely patient, funny and always willing to help."

I believe that expecting that you "shouldn't" feel what your feeling is an unreasonable expectation. You feel what you feel. Also, most of us at one time or another, and probably alot of alot of the time put on our "facades" when dealing with the outside world, unless your wearing your heart on your sleeve so to speak. We do what we have to do to make it, and the fact that you are able to do it and take care of business means you are alot healthier than you think. It may seem hypocritical, but I don't believe it is. You are doing what you need to do. Of course once you get home then you have more freedom to show your true feelings.

If your therapist is suggesting you take a break from the board, I don't think that is a harmful suggestion. Sometimes I need to take a break from the boards, and maybe you need some time to sort things out on your own. It can confusing to get alot of advice, and not feel sure about what to do. It certainly won't hurt you if you take some time away. The important thing is how do you feel with your therapist. Do you trust her, and feel that you can be open and honest? Is she respectful of your feelings?

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, because that is what's important.

Juls

[woodtick]

Sharon,
I was running today, for the first time of the year, and was just curious how much you run on a given day when you are getting in shape? Do you go by time or distance? At my best I would run about four to five miles but mostly two to three. I haven't run since I got married enough to stay in anything resembling shape. I did about 3/4 mile and had to walk for a little bit after the uphill part. Yes pathetic, I know.

Another thing I thought of was you had been real hard on yourself cuz you thought you hadn't trained as hard as you needed to. When I'm depressed, it is almost impossible to find the energy/motivation to turn on the tv. If you've been suffering from depression for a year then you were probably trying twice as hard as your friend was. Just a thought.

[runningfree]

Brent,
You are so very sweet and wonderful to think of all these excuses for me. My friend who has surpassed me is also dealing with major life issues and an onset of depression and she has been able to continue and excel at these discipline driven activities. That has what has been so hard. SHe talks about killing herself and the next day she is out running 10 miles. I feel like the world is better off without me and I can't move a muscle. I know that people deal with things differently, but being disciplined is a major importance to me and excelling at this activity is very much a focus. It doesn't mean that I judge others because they don't run a zillion miles or run marathons. It is not everybodies focus, but it is my focus and I am lazy and so undisciplined that I am disgusted by my actions. I know that I have so many other things to deal with, but if it really mattered then I would be able to do it and I'm not. I have let it go and I have let many other things go with this depression. My friend who is also dealing with issues seems to keep all the disciplined things alive and even stronger. This just helps me to get lower on myself. She doesn't mean to, but I hate myself for the way that I have handled our whole situation.

Now to the important part of your post! Congratulations on your running endeavor! It does suck when you first start out. The best way to start is to run the 3/4 mile and then walk for a while then run somemore and then walk and then run more and walk. Pretty soon your walking will turn into running. I never go by time. Only when I run a race. That may explain why I am not very fast. I don't practice for time. I only think about distance. Now I usually try to run 5-6 miles on the weekend with the dog. She rests every other mile at my house so she usually gets in 2-3 miles. Lately I have been only running for her on the weekends and when she had an injury I went out to run because I knew that it would look like I was trying since my husband asks me every Sat and SUn if I am going out for a run. He sort of knows that if he doesn't say anything that I might bag it. It looks like I am trying and feeling better if I run. It doesn't really make me feel good right now. It is just another front. Sorry for all the negativity. I am proud of your accomplishment. Just run and walk for awhile. I'll be interested to hear your progress.
Sharon

[woodtick]

Sharon,
Well, you can at least go forward now with a better understanding of what you'll need to do over the next year to run the marathon next year. Don't let it discourage you.

Thanks for the tips. Now I have a better idea how to approach this. My dog runs with me too. I run around a forty acre gravel pit with a pond in the middle. There is usually deer of fox for my pooch to chase, she just goes crazy when she sees them and runs as fast as she can after them. It's very entertaining. Lately there have been ducks and geese in the pond too. I like having my own personal track to run on. I'm really blessed to be living where I'm at.

I keep you posted as to my progress. Hopefully by the end of summer I'll be up to my 4-5 mile mark.

Take care,

[Juls]

I used to have my whole running thing down. I would run on a dirt track out at a university by where I lived, but when it would rain I would run on the spongy type track that the real runners ran on. I used to run up and down the bleachers too.

but I started out just walking. Then I went to running a 1/4 mile, and walking a 1/4 mile, and I just built up from there. On the weekends i would run ten miles. It was really great, but after I had my baby, because being in preterm labor and her being born premature all that feel by the wayside. I keep thinking that I want to get back into some sort of exercise, but my knees don't seem to take the running well anymore so I'm trying to focus on yoga and pilates.

Runningfree, just keep trying, but set small accomplishable goals for yourself. Something you know you can accomplish, and then build from there.

Brent it sounds great that you have your own private track so to speak to run on. Keep it up.

Juls

[eddie z.]

Sharon,
How was your weekend? How are you today? For what it's worth, reading on this thread inspired me to try running again on Friday. So, I jogged (you couldn't really call it running) for about 20-25 minutes. I go by time because I'm doing it for cardio exercise. I was sore Saturday and Sunday, but I want to try it again today. Thanks, Sharon. Hope you're doing some better!
Love and hugs,
Eddie

[runningfree]

Eddie...
I am glad that this inspired you. It doesn't inspire me. My weekend was fine. My husband bought me a car. Yes! I don't really need a car, but he decided that I should have the car that I wanted. A Chrysler Sebring convertible. It is used, but exactly what I wanted. Knowing that he will only buy used cars...I figured that if I was picky enough he would not find one for a long time. Well it took him exactly four days. This is how he deals with my issues. He can't handle it so he builds rooms and buys new furniture and buys new cars. I asked him if it was going to have a 12 page paper inside it. It isn't going to take away my depression or write this paper for me, but it is really fun to drive. He really is a wonderful man. I feel so bad for putting him through such hell and pain by being around me.

I am getting sick tomorrow to write this paper I need to write. I hate calling in sick. My own child is in the school and I have to bring her there and drop off my plans for a sub. She knows I am not sick. I feel like such a liar.

Good for you on your running. It is really a great sport. I hope someday to feel like doing it again. I had a lot of insight this weekend, but I still hate myself and I am very fidgety. I don't know about this medication. I can't sit still for a minute.
Keep running and remember that 20 minutes is more than you did the day before. Try to make it longer by walking some and then running.
Take Care
Sharon

[eddie z.]

The Wellbutrin made me like that, too. My doctor added Inderal and that seemed to solve the problem. I'm glad you brought that up because my doctor is switching me off the Wellbutrin and I need to ask what to do about the Inderal.

A Sebring convertible? SWEET! What color is it?

Whoa! I KNOW what you mean about writing papers at the last minute. That's how I always did mine. Blank pages absolutely traumatized me. Don't feel so bad about calling in sick. Consider it a "personal day!" I used to get physically sick at the end of semesters for real just from all the stress. What is your paper on anyway?

I didn't make it running yesterday. I took a nap instead 'cause I got up too early. Bad Eddie! But I should be able to get to it today. Just remind me to stretch more afterwards, OK?

Hope your writing goes well today!
Love, Eddie

[runningfree]

Stretch -- what is that!! Hey guys ! haven't you been listening to me. I may have run some marathons and done races but they are not going to write any books about me. I am not the best person to ask any questions because I do everything that I am not supposed to do. I hate to stretch and besides I never have the time. I have always joked about my lack of compliance with what the books say. I don't do it to be defiant, but I never have the time to stretch and drink lots of water and do all the good stuff. I barely have time for the run. Now with all of that said... I do believe though that stretching afterwards is extremely important especially if you feel twinges.

Good luck today!!

My paper is on Guided Reading in the primary classroom ( I teach 1st grade) It doesn't sound like heavy stuff, but it involves 4 books that I have not read yet! I already feel my hands shaking.
Off to take my own children to school and drop off my plans. Then the clock starts ticking.
The car is steel blue. It is very sweet and it is a 2002 with only 15,000 miles. I think the owner was very spoiled and the ashtray got dirty so she had to get a new sports car. My husband got it for almost half of what they paid for it.

Have a good day

[eddie z.]

Steel blue. Really sweet! Too bad the ashtray's dirty. LOL

I didn't answer your post yesterday because I didn't want to interfere with your paper. How'd that go? What is Guided Reading?

I trotted for half an hour. When I stopped, I was way out in the woods and had to walk a good bit back to the car, so I was out for over 45 minutes. Pretty good for just the second time, I think! And I'm not sore today either 'cause I stretched like a good little muffin.

How's it going with the Wellbutrin? Still restless? I'm tapering off mine and I have started Straterra which I think is really interfering with my sleep cycle. I've woken up around 2 or 3 the past two mornings and been WIDE awake. Hence my being on here at this hour.

Love, Eddie

[runningfree]

Not bad to be out for 45 minutes on a beautiful day! Oh well the paper... I like the subject matter and I am very interested in the articles I must read I just don't have the time. It is all stuff that I need. Guided Reading is a program of reading instruction based on 5 principles of teaching kids to read.
Phonemic Awareness, (sounds of letters) Phonics, Fluency, Vocabulary, Comprehension. It all stands for ways in which to make reading easier for children with all the components to make it structured and hopefully lots of fun!

The nightmare started when the school called me and asked if I had called in sick. UGH it is my worst nightmare that the bozo that does the assigning of subs will not get my message. Well of course it had to happen to me. So I obsessed about that all day, but I did get half of the paper done. Only 5 pages to go and about 6 more hours straight.

I need to go back tothe doctor's because I really don't like this medication. I have had to change my day off 3 times because of the doctor therefore I am going to be in really good with the principal that was not happy with me yesterday. I just have to keep telling myself that I didn't do anything wrong.

Oh well... I have decided that I think that my husband and I need to stop our marriage counseling. It is just not the right time. We are getting worse instead of better and it is the worse time with all the depression stuff that I am going through. He is wonderful in every way except he can't handle negative thoughts. He just doesn't understand it and can't talk about it. Doesn't want to get involved. I can't ride a roller coaster and if he asked me to I just couldn't do it. This is his roller coaster. I have to do this with out him. I love him too much to see all this pain that I am causing him because I want something he can't give me.
Rambling again!!!!
Have a good run if you go.

[eddie z.]

I didn't run but I did walk with my mother to the same cemetery I found myself at yesterday. We also walked a boardwalk across a beaver pond and checked out the wildlife. I'm a bit of a birdwatcher.

Sorry about the mix-up at the school. I know that's the kind of thing that makes me feel terrible even when I KNOW I didn't do anything wrong. That's part of the negative thinking we have to avoid, you know? Speaking of which, did you ever look into that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

And I'm also sorry that Wellbutrin doesn't seem to be working out. Have you ever tried Remeron? And what dose of Effexor are you on, if I may ask? I hope you and the doctor get things worked out soon. I think my increased Zoloft my actually be working. 'Bout time!

Love, Eddie

[runningfree]

What is this about deciding whether to run, bike or skate... How about all 3!!!! Only kidding. Glad to hear that the meds are starting to work. I am praying for a bit of relief soon. My husband is praying too! I have another doctor's appt on Weds. This doctor is very nice and in a very good practice in Boston so I have some confidence. he specializes in people that do not respond well to many meds...
I keep praying.
I just had a huge fight with my 13 year old and that always gets me down. Those are the times that I just want to go away. I always feel that I am making the wrong decisions and screwing up her life. I know I can't continue parenting her like this. I hope that something clicks so I can be sane again and feel right in my skin. I love this kid so much and I don't want to spoil her but it is so hard to set limits and stand by them because she is at that defiant age and then I feel like I am so wrong. Oh well -- they never said life would be easy.
Have a good Friday...
--SH

[eddie z.]

Sharon,
Sorry about your daughter. I don't have any children that don't have 4 legs, but I still sympathize because I know exactly what you mean about that defiance. I was a nightmare as a teenager! Do you talk to your therapist about parenting at all? I know kids can guilt-trip their parents really well, and you have to work on KNOWING when you are right in setting limits, so that that guilt trip thing doesn't work on you. But it sounds like you already know that.

I don't know if it's any consolation, but my parents were EXTREMELY permissive and I now regret that we DIDN'T really have any responsibilities. I wish my parents had made us do chores or at least made sure we did our homework because we never learned good work habits and how to be responsible, you know? So don't feel bad if your daughter makes you out to be a Nazi or something because, as corny as it sounds, she will be thankful for it one day.

Hope you have a good Friday also!
Love, Eddie