A Mental Mess!

[dotcom]

Help! I have just been feeling (for a long time) that I am completely incapable of handling life. i am chronically disorganized, so much so that i dont even want to go home and see the s***. i am stressed beyond belief and when i stress i dont eat and when i dont eat my stomach gets upset. so what if i dont use anymore. i cannot remember to brush my teeth in the morning. i have got myself into the rythm of brushing flossing and rinsing at nigt but it is so difficult. stupid sounding you say? well, it is like moving a mountain or something. i cannot get to bed at a reasonable hour, i try. i usually end up in bed by 11 or 12 and then next day i am a wreck. i try to get ready for the next day at night, but i cannot organize my thoughts to do it. maybe i get a lunch packed once in 5 months and that is a miracle. money spending was through the roof a week ago, but ive calmed that down. then the next day i say it will be different and it never is. i cannot go on like this. so what if im doing good at work and school. my life is more than clean time, work and school. it is nonexistant in fact! the "life" i live is just a bunch of confusion and distress. running in circles just being happy i dont spend my check on dope anymore. and... i cannot f****** make my bed. i do manage to choke down vitamins and acne meds every day, that i can remember. but i cannot get into a healthy ryhthm of things. therapy doesnt help. i hate therapy in fact. just another thing to get lost trying to find the office, then forgetting the payment, then stressing over getting it to her, then losing my appetite and eventually saying f it. i cannot function in "my world". i can hold a job and even do school, but i cannot get my life together. today im wigging out and its just so frustrating. i can hold it together for other people but when it comes to taking care of myself and doing simple tasks im a complete mess. i think im disabled or something. i dont care though. if this continues im checking into a mental hospital or at least just not coming home for a few days for the sake of gathering whats left of my marbles.

thanks for listening

[jpal]

Sounds like you are very overwhelmed right now...and I can relate to that. I remember not wanting to take a shower in the morning because it would require too much effort to blow dry my hair (and I'd spend every morning debating with myself over it)-so I don't think it's stupid at all that you find it difficult to brush your teeth. I know EXACTLY what you mean. Even the smallest task can be overwhelming and too much to handle. That is NORMAL for someone with depression and probably some other mental illnesses as well.

You mentioned that you are seeing a therapist....have you been diagnosed with any type of mental illness? If not, you may want to look into it. The right diagnosis and the right treatment is key. You also mentioned that you used to use drugs-this may have been a way of self-medicating because of mental illness and not the root of the problem. Apparently a high percentage of people who have mental illness use and abuse drugs/alcohol in an effort to overcome those feelings of depression, panic, anxiety etc. I know I did.

I'm not an expert but things that you said in your post remind me of exactly how I used to feel before I got treatment for my depression. Especially when you express wanting to not come home for a few days or go to a hospital. I wanted to "check out" of my life too, because I just couldn't function. I also was able to "hold it together" for the "outside" world but when I was home everything would unravel and totally fall apart. I know exactly what you mean.

I wish you the best of luck and I know things can get better for you. That may seem hard to believe, but it's true. Keep posting and sharing-there is a lot of support and inspiration here. Take care....and sending hugs your way.

[woodtick]

Jess,
It sounds like you are suffering symptoms of ADD, although depression will sometimes do similar things. There also sounds like a lot of anxiety. That could be due to all the things you are forgetting to do and the subsequent troubles that it causes you. Have you ever been diagnosed with anything like bipolar or depression? (don't have to answer if it is too personal) If you are on meds there could be something that needs adjustment. If you are under the care of a physician you should probably go in and tell him/her what is going on. One thing is that you need to get a good night's sleep every night otherwise you'll be half out of it all day and that adds to not being able to keep track of things and making mistakes. My doctor gave me Trazodone to help me fall asleep at night and said to get between 8-9 hrs. There are other remedies like melatonin and I know some people use Niquil at bedtime but I don't know what the ramifications are with Niquil and recovering addicts. If you have acne melatonin might not be a good solution either. It gives me acne like I was fifteen again after a few nights of using it.

Trust me I know how stressful life can be when you keep forgetting to do stuff. I have ADD and so does Eddie.

If you aren't under the care of a psychiatrist you should consider seeing one. They can help with biological and psychological issues but that leaves sociological issues. That is what you have to work on, psyd's and therapists can give you suggestions on how to aleviate stress in your life. My suggestion is to make your life as simple as possible for a while until you get a better handle on things. Take some time out every day to do something you enjoy. Like homework! Just kidding! LOL!

I hope this helps.

btw, I'm not well-versed with meth addiction and I was wondering if you could inform me a little bit. Is it possible to tell if someone is still using? I can tell when someone is on coke are the symptoms similar? Isn't severe weight loss an issue? Does one gain some weight back after getting clean? I remember I would start to have a funny smell about me on the rare occasions I did it.

[dotcom]

jpal,

yes i am overwhelmed! it sort of comes in waves though. i will be wigging, then i will get down to business and focus really hard (like on work, school). but never on "me". im so glad im not alone on that! for awhile, i was thinking it was just that i do not put enough effort into "me". but, in other areas im rocking, just this... its not getting any better.

i have been diagnosed with ocd and ive got anxiety with a little itty bit of ptsd in there. i have been very depressed at times (although it was situational). in january, i stopped taking zoloft (which i was taking for ocd and anxiety). and it seems that when the habits pop up or i feel i do not do something the way id wish, i get depressed about it.

thank you very much for your reply! its helped me greatly! i am going out of town this weekend, so that should "relieve" something or other. but, i still feel that big weight knowing i have to pack, iron, get things all squared away at work and school, still have a paper to write... i can do it though, not all of it, but i can do what i can do right!

thanks and hugs

Brent,

I'm OCD, anxiety, and a little bit of ptsd, but i shall do a little research into ADD. i actually stopped taking zoloft in january. it sort of made my stomach upset and an overall fluish feeling. but, it really did wonders.

sleep... i know, everyone keeps telling me that! how good i will feel with a good night's sleep. i will ask my doctor about that. sometimes, i cannot sleep and i dont know why! then, others my mind keeps going when my body is exhausted and... my mind wins. so i stay up. ive heard nyquil (liquid) is a no no. im sure it works so well too! when i was sick, i used the gel tabs and they didnt work so well.

remember awhile ago i said id get in to see a therapist??? well, i didnt! bad me! i just couldnt get it together. pathetic i know. today i rested for 45 min before school with a cup of tea. no puter, just me, the tea, and the tv. it was nice. it was sooooo hard to slow down and do that (mind working overtime).

thank you very much for your reply! i will not promise, but i will make an attempt to get a sleep aid and a psych and therapist. enough of my procrastinating!!!

lets see... yes it is possible to tell if someone is still using. sunglasses in the daytime and nighttime are a tell tale sign. general sensitivity to light. fast eye movements (darting). talking rapidly. having no appetite and an unnatural amount of energy/excitement. very talkative. paranoia. yes, weightloss! lots and lots of weightloss. scratching. getting sores. rashes on hands and legs.

since ive been clean... i gained 50 pounds (i was under 100 at one time). and i researched the smell. its when we get fatigued, the body excretes lots of amonia... thats the stinky smell! hope ive helped brent. youve been such a big help to me!

thanks and rock on,

dot

[eddie z.]

"...but i can do what i can do right!" Welcome to my world, dot!! You can call it OCD or perfectionism, but for me, if I can't do something exactly a certain way (which takes forever), I don't do it at all. Which means I don't get much done. Some professionals think I have ADD, like Brent said, but one recent psychologist thinks depression and anxiety (caused by perfectionism) are what's interfering with my concentration and motivation. It's a tough call.

I totally understand what you're going through. In fact, I think I've got it even worse right now. I'm doing well if I brush my teeth every other day! I've been considering what's known as partial hospitalization where I'd go for groups and to see the doctor for about half the day. I've even thought about checking in full inpatient. Yes, I'm pretty far gone, y'all.

It sounds to me also like you might need to go back on meds. And, yes, Nyquil is a big no-no for those in recovery. A nice cup of Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime tea is good, though. Maybe I should go have some myself...hmmmm.

Love you,
Eddie

[woodtick]

Jess,
Yup. Get your lil o'l self into a doc. It sounds like something is going on with you. I'm a hypocrite when it comes to sleep, my doc hollers at me all the time for it.

Yes that does help dot!
The person in question is a girl I know at school. She had told me before that she was a recovering meth addict and did the home-school version of detox. She is so skinny I would think she was anorexic. I mean really skinny. Some people are just like that though but I'm starting to wonder. She seems to be stressing quite a bit about life, sorta forgetful, and doesn't show up for class much lately. But then again, I don't know what her life is like outside school, she could be full of anxiety from just being a mom and going to school.

Did you ever check out that Christian rock station I told you about? If you like heavy stuff these guys are kickin. Nasty heavy with a good message. I never would have believed the bands were Christian. You need to have a high speed connection to listen on the web otherwise it cuts out periodically.

Take care,

[dotcom]

ed,

yes... the times ive gone off my meds the ocd has kicked in and i always hang my socks in a certain way (thats how i tell my mom she will know when im not on meds). and then i go to clean my room which is a crap hole and get going on organizing a box of some junk and cannot move on until i get that box the way i want it... of course i never get it the way i desire and then if i did theres no place to put it because of the state my room is in. so i head to the shelf where i spend too long on... so you can see im too busy to worry about teeth brushing! lol.. i do get that way.

im doing a research paper right now and... its almost perfect. ill tell you. i spent so much time perfecting the intro that im pretty much screwed.

its not just the perfection... since i was young ive had "habits" and ticks that i now can identify as ocd! i got the same rush from doing them as i did on meth. so... i am not such a nut as i thought! thank God!

im sorry to hear you are not doing well. anything i can do just let me know. i think we are all pretty screwy... i hope you find some peace! i am considering the meds seriously. but i did so well! i had a bout of compulsive cutting and vommiting and i stopped that with steps 1-3... and i suppose im hoping the self destructive spiral im in will disappear? heehee

Brent,

thanks for all the help! you rock! i will pray for you and your friend. i can tell you that in the first 4 months i was certifiably a nut (even moreso than now). it was like i was on a sick one, but i was clean. and it was not sick, i was paranoid and delusional. haha. but... i did gain a crap load of weight during that time!

yeah! that station thing rocked! could you pm me the link again? id like to listen again to it but ironically forgot it and probly deleted it... grrr... the dotsters forgetfulness has struck again. haha

BIG THANKS! ROCK ON!

Jess

[eddie z.]

I definitely know about those "habits," too. Rituals is my preferred term. When I did my first step out of the workbook last year, I wrote about my rituals involving the windows and doors in my house. Just becoming aware of how sick and time-consuming it all was "cured" me of those particular habits. Now if I can just stop lining up my french fries! LOL

Trying to ROCK ON,
Eddie

[dotcom]

ed,

you are not just trying, you ARE rocking on! geez, look at me... the term rocking on better not mean something unattainable for us addicts! so... you are ROCKING ON! no more of this trying talk, you are an inspiration ed! so, today you can have the satisfaction of knowing just how much you rock!

hugs and love,

dot

[woodtick]

Eddie,
Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. It was late and I didn't read your post last night. You might not have ADD then? Did you ever discuss the "child" test issue with your doc?

Dotster, www.wejustrock.com

[eddie z.]

dot,
Thank you so much! It means a lot to me to know you think I rock. And you KNOW you ROCK, too, right? Don't forget to call the doctor today, OK? How are you doing today? Brush your teeth!

Brent,
It was the psychologist at Vocational Rehab. that gave me the "kiddie" test and said I didn't have ADD. My regular therapist AND my regular psychiatrist haven't "tested" me, but they both operate under the assumption that I have it. My psychiatrist has known me for 20 years so I think I'll go with what he thinks.

Hope you're both having a great day!
Love, Eddie

[dotcom]

ed,

thanks for asking! im doing the same today. my research paper is done and im reeling from that. then found out i had to include a bunch of rough draft, and copied sources and... didnt need to hear that. it really bothered me. after class, i went to the cafeteria and ate a good meal and bought some tylenol and alka selser. i have not brushed my teeth yet, but did manage makeup and doing my hair. ive been doing well with that. this evening i plan on brushing those darn teeth.

im going to take a 37 minute break and drink tea and rest. then i must prepare for the weekend away. packing... cleaning... wrapping present... filling out card... i am not so intimidated by the people though as i thought i would be. im honored that my friend wants me to come over and celebrate!

everyone keeps asking me if im alright and looks at me with concern. i havent had sleep for awhile which may factor into that. but dammit im tired of people asking if im alright. cant they leave me be? let me live? worry about themselves? i come here for advice and help, and same with the dr. but my family and boss???

well, im sure its all a part of them still wanting to see me as a kid and im 20 now so they better get with the program here. sheesh.

thanks for letting me ramble. you rock! how are you feeling???

hugs and love,

dot

[Juls]

Dot,

You are definitely not alone in the trial and tribulation you are going through. I have spent days just sitting on the couch not doing anything, showering, brushing my teeth, just staring at the t.v. Then I'll get incredibly hyper and try to everything, and it all has to be done perfectly and in a certain way. It's really maddening. Then I'll level out for a while, and things just go allright. Until the next episode. I've gone on compulsive spending sprees too. I have managed to keep my job though, and pull it together for my daughter. Other than that I just try not to guilt trip myself about all my inadequecies, which to me seem many. Try to give yourself credit for what you do accomplish, and when you find yourself wigging out take some time to breath and think some quiet thoughts. We are who we are, and can't be who and we're not, if that makes sense.

You are indeed a wonderful young woman and despite how it may seem to you, from my point of view you are doing very well in your life.

Juls

[dotcom]

juls,

thanks for sharing that. i do really feel like brushing my teeth this morning! wow! ive been forcing myself to do it every day since my bday and when i think of not doing it now i always talk myself into it somehow. oh how i can relate to the spending sprees! im afraid what i might be with a good nights sleep... hyper and crazy! i used to go to work without makeup, but becoming a supervisor has helped me get the umf to do that. its just when i think of that, i see all the little tasks and they are just so difficult. and hey! i do push myself to wash my hands after using the restroom! soap and hot water... there are times when that is just a friggin obstacle. so, i suppose i am doing very well considering i never showered or took any sort of care of myself 15 months ago.

the ocd has been popping up in the form of ticks... but im 1-3 stepping it and that seems to ward it off... its embarressing, but now i know God is in control it gets a little easier. however, it may come back to meds? which i think is such a terrible thing, but really it would probably get me out of this terrible circle im running in. which, in fact, is not a circle! its better than ive ever been unmedicated, clean and sober!

thanks for helping me put that into perspective!

you rock juls!

dotster

[Juls]

I space out. Especially at work. When I don't have an immediate task at hand to do my mind just goes off into the ozone. One of my co-workers, the accupuncture Dr. is always waving his hand in front of my face when he sees me like that. It kind of bugs me. He even mentioned it to the owner and the owner asked me if I was on drugs or something. But that's just part of my personality. If I don't have something to focus my mind on, which can be often at work when I'm not busy and don't have a client I just go into a world of my own and daydream. Now I spend more time in my room so it's not so obvious.

I don"t think meds are such a "terrible thing" although I often wonder about how Dr.s are so quick to prescribe. I wonder if an individual had the right kind of therapist/therapy if good results could be accomplished without resorting to meds. Of course it would take longer, and since most health plans don't accomodate long term mental health care, the quick and easy answer is to medicate people. Mine work pretty well for me most of the time, but a miracle cure their not because I still have my phases, as I'm sure you know what I mean.

You are the rockinest, LOL

Juls

[dotcom]

i can so relate to that! i just sort of "shut off" if theres no work to do and im just waiting for the phone to ring (and on SR). good thing is i am a supervisor and my assistants like me ok, and say nice things to the big boss. they really helped me improve my work ethic! and helped me get along better with people. and i also get a glazed look to my eyes during the week, just stress and juggling life i supppose.

i managed to wake up this morning. feeling completely overwhelmed. went to a bday pty last night that turned into a drunken brawl and i cannot go home till noon... but, i am here and not completely wigging. i have no appetite, probly because i got stressed out. and i just really want to go home to the point of crying i think. i made it through sober and clean though. just feel bad because its my best friends bday and i should be happy for her instead of so uncomfortable. ah well...

interesting about the good therapist thing! my insurance doenst do much as far as payments go. and the meds are pretty expensive, although i spend a lot on other crap so i might as well do myself a favor and get some again! not a miracle cure, your right. but i would feel a little less "on the edge".

thanks again Juls!

dot

[splendra]

Dear Dot,
I am sorry that you are having so much conflict within yourself right now. I hope you can get some sleep. I want to caution you against meletonan it is very good for older people like me but, Dot nobody under 40 should take it. I am all for natural remendy I perfer it 100% of the time. Imagine my dispare when I had to take some prescription meds to get to sleep. I only took it for a short time (3 days) my body reacts very quickly> I was able to get on track. Give yourself a break Dot. Rome wasn't built in a day. I think you just want so bad for things to be perfect but, they never are.
Another thing I think you want fellowship and music. Have you ever heard of "Steel Roots"? They are a very rocking group of christian folks in your age group. They do concerts and they have lots of things going on. They have a tv program onthe "inspiration network". I am sure the y have a web site as well. www.steelroots.com I think. I think you seem a little bit co-dependent and being around your friends who are still using could possibly cause some of the symptoms you describe as well.(((((((((((((((big hug))))))))))))))))))))))) your Dotness. Take care.

[eddie z.]

dot,
I honestly couldn't tell you when the last time I put on makeup or styled my hair was, so it sounds to me like you're doing fine. And if people ask you if you are alright, it's not because they're looking at you as a kid. It's just an expression of concern. Believe it or not, we "older" people DO ask our peers if they're OK when they start to look frazzled.

And you can ask Brent about this, but that spacing-out thing sounds like ADD also. So maybe you should look into that. Are you home now? Feeling any better? I hope so.

Love, Eddie

[dotcom]

splendra,

thanks for your reply. sleep... i have yet to make a dr or therapist appt... i know i should do it but... i will ask my dr about some natural sleep aids and will steer clear from the mela... it is really kicking my butt ill tell ya. the money is an issue when it comes to medical care, but my mom will help me out. i just hate to hear her comment on it...

thanks for the steelroots idea! i will certainly check them out! my assistant is into church stuff and i went to church with him once. he is very respectable and maybe "steelroots" will be a conversation starter on monday?? too cool!

dot? codie? LOL... you got that right! before i knew i was an addict i went to a codie meeting 12 step because of my homeless bf (the recently deceased one). it just pops up and grrr... i do have melanie beattie's codie no more book! i found it very helpful.

thanks for the hugs splen! they are much needed!

ed,

i hope so. its frustrating sometimes. i know im a ship wreck and a half at times, but having people worry about me drives me nuts. perhaps the codieness? i dont know. i keep coming back to the age thing because im even younger than my assistants and they try to "feed" me all this knowledge and im like, "you did the copies wrong". im so bad.

i just recently started doing the makeup because of my assistants. i had really been looking bad for awhile, really bad! then i got a makeover and my acne med started working real well. so i got some confidence. i try to do my makeup at least, and sometimes just have to throw my hair into a messy bun looking thing but at least i dont go the way i used to.

i dont know about the spacing thing... i get real burnt out (for lack of a better word) and start forgetting things and cannot remember things for longer than 10 min. and then i become sort of incoherrent. then the space out happens. its what leads up to the space out that really sucks! lol... but once im spaced i get so tired.

anywho, how are you? i am home now! and im feeling about the same. my dad took me for a nice lunch though and i bought more epsom salts. i am going to rock on if it takes me my whole gosh darn life! and... i will try to get myself to the doctor soon. i am chronically disorganized and frazzled, but will do my best!

hope you are well!

hugs,

dot

[woodtick]

Dot,
If you are trying the melatonin, don't take an entire pill. Those things are potent and will make you sleepy all day if you take too much. I divide the pills into 10 or 15 pieces and only take one piece half an hour before bedtime. That's enough hormone to trigger your body's sleep cycle and that's all you need to do.

Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite!

[dotcom]

Brent,

thanks dude! im going to give a shot at going to bed early tonight... we shall see... its 9:26 pm now and im hoping to get in bed by 10 pm. wish me luck!!!

hugs,

dot

[eddie z.]

Good morning, dot! And thank you. I'm up early today so I reckon you're still asleep. I hope so anyway. Don't forget to call the doctor or therapist today! I have a super busy day in that department today. At 9AM, I have my AfterCare group which I must leave early for a psychiatrist appointment. Then, this afternoon, I go to my therapist. She asked me to have my husband come with me for the first time. Should be interesting! Have a great day, (((dotmeister))).
Love, Eddie

[dotcom]

ed,

good morning to you too! i hopw your day goes well! sounds like you are taking care of business!

today i am doing okay. i actually brushed my teeth this morning and plan on doing it tonight. although, im feeling it turning into an "obsession" of sorts, its a good one so i guess that is okay. blah.

im lucky cuz i can get a referral for a therapist from my pops. hes a mft psychologist. just... have... to... get... on... it... and... stop... procrastinating... lol. i can do it though, i hope. im afraid to go to the dr because i think im not better and i have two terribly infected toes (another compulsion that has totally $%&@#$% me over... you know about ingrown toenails? well every time theyd get better id cut them down real low, no friggin point to that, just HAD to do it darnit). now im in pain and im afraid of them cutting my feet! which would be better than losing my feet!!!

and ive still got trouble breathing but dont want to go back and have him ask me if i still smoke grrr... i dont still smoke so it just pisses me off and i feel i will never get better. but who gets better without a dr!!!!!!!!

ok, sorry for that. i just have tons of excuses to not go while i keep getting more and more sick or even more of a mental mess.

enjoy your day ed! and thanks for letting me vent!

hugs

dot

[eddie z.]

MFT psychologist? Is that multi-family therapy? Or something else? Master's something? Whatever, just get that referral, woman! LOL

I'm not a toenail compulsion person, although from time to time I obsess on doing my fingernails. I'm more of a zit picker when it comes to those sorts of things. If they're really infected then you REALLY do need to go to the doc.

And don't be so sensitive about the smoking question. Be proud to say AGAIN that you've quit. Given the time of year, it's probably allergies. I've just quit smoking and I'm still having respiratory troubles, too.

Love, Eddie

[dotcom]

marriage family therapist, he got his doctorate too so technically he is a DR. (of psychology?).

this morning was better! i woke up and spent about 10 minutes just cleaning up messes. and yesterday i brushed my teeth in the morning so ... i suppose i am beginning to rock on!

i used to do the zit thing! when tweaking id get very bad zits and then id tweak on them and make them worse. now, i have cleared them up! i just have scars that are disappearing and one on my left jaw bone area.

heeheehee... okay, ill go to the dr. evil doctors i tell you. i suppose if i could get up and clean i could pick up a phone! lol

hugs and thanks,

dot