ADVICE welcomed

[runningfree]

Hello- this is the second time I have typed this!! I may seem a bit more frustrated this time. I met with my $500.00 doctor today. He was not green with money signs on his face, but he was nice and very young! This didn't bother me because he seemed very knowledgable and he is part of a team of very experienced doctors. After 1 hour he decided to have me remain on the Effexor and he is adding Wellbutrin (the generic is BUPROPION)
Does anybody have anything good to say about this drug or the interaction of the two? I hope to hear good things because I am a bit gunshy so horror stories will not fill me with positive thoughts.
Thank you for giving me the good word!
The marathon was Monday and I survived the day, but I still wish I had been given the opportunity to run. I was angry, but now that it is over I hope to look more positively at next year when I have earned the right to run and no one can make the decision but me. I hope to be in better spirits and more on track.
Thank you
-- Sharon

[eddie z.]

Sharon,
I take Wellbutrin and I think one of the best things about it is the lack of side effects although it can interfere with sleep. It helps alot with my ADD, possibly more than my depression. I just know I can read and concentrate much better with the Wellbutrin. I also take Zoloft and Abilify for depression. The idea of combining Effexor and Wellbutrin is that they work in different ways so they're supposed to complement each other and produce a better effect than either one alone. Hope this helps.
Love, Eddie

[fuster]

Sharon:

Sorry you missed your run. Don't know about effexor, but Welbutrin is like what Eddie said, supposed to have few side effects.

Hope you are doing well today.

[woodtick]

Dammit. I just spent forty-five minutes collecting my thoughts and sharing them for you and lost the whole dang thing. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I hate that. My server goes off line when I am idle for too long and when I hit the quick reply tab to post it I loose everything. I'm going to call my server and gripe! I never had this problem with MSN.

Anyways, I just wanted to say I'm glad the marathon is over. I think you might be asking too much of yourself to be a wife, mother, full time teacher, and a marathon runner. I ask too much of myself and just get overwhelmed and feel defeated when I can't do it all. It's just like being hungry and ordering a huge meal and not being able to finish it all. Some things are just not humanly possible. Some things are not worth the anxiety or damage to one's mental health either. Be easy on yourself. I have been easy on myself lately and found that it makes life a much more pleasurable experience!

[runningfree]

Brent,
Thanks for the words of wisdom, but it is just not working... I keep the same soapbox going and I feel myself roll down the same hole when I think I have wiggled out.
It would be easy to do if I didn't have this reminder of my neighbor that did run the marathon that I still want to be friends with and she still can run, be a mother, wife and work (not full time, but she thinks she does because it is everyday) and runs everyday. She does make it happen and I don't although if I REALLY wanted it then I should be able to fit it in. I am not asking too much, but I just want to find myself happy with myself and I know that I feel like I am lazy if I don't do the things that will get me to the point that I want to be at. It is a constant struggle and the reminder of how not-disciplined I am keeps showing everytime I see her running. The problem is that I was too easy on myself and I let it slip away because no one challenged me to show me that I need to be tougher. Medication isn't going to make me tougher or more disiciplined or kinder to myself. I really am needing to accept that I am NOT as good as I wanted or thought I was. If I want it then I have to work harder and I am not able to do it. Perhaps I am lazy or perhaps I am not strong enough to do it. If I get this person or reminder of my failures out of my life then I will have failed as a person because I could not get over this immaturity. If I try to hold onto this friendship that has been on the rocks for 18 months I believe that I will always feel defeated and lazy. This has been a battle for months and it just keeps popping up and it is me that is troubled not my friend. SHe is only troubled because I can't be a friend, but her actions and needs are my triggers of destruction. It is just immaturity to me.
--Sharon :skippy:

[Juls]

Runninfree,

I hope you can find success with your new med combination. However, I have no clue as to either of those. My combination is different, but works for me. There's more than one way to look at your feelings of inadequacy when it comes to your life, and that you weren't able to complete your marathon. One thing, is we do choose how we feel about ourselves, and how we let things affect our life. It's easy to say (but not easy to do), oh, don't get so down on yourself," and that is correct. That kind of thinking gets you nowhere but in the same hole your in, but that is also a choice. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but it is what I've learned over my lifetime. Why you are making that choice may be hard to figure out, but you can choose to feel and think differently about yourself. Not running the marathon does not make you a failure. You can keep trying. I've always wanted to run one, and I still never have (I'm 49, just turned), but that doesn't mean I won't. And if I die and have never run a marathon, that doesn't make my life a failure. Everyday we have to make a conscisous choice of how we are going to face our days, and the attitudes we will embrace. It is not easy, and some days impossible for me to have a good attitude, but the more I work at it, the easier it becomes. I no longer am filled with so much self-doubt, self-hatred, and self-recriminations. I don't know how old you are, but maybe it is an age thing, that I've finally come to a point in my life where I no longer have to beat myself up for the things that I want to accomplish that don't get accomplished, and can feel good about what I have accomplished. I've also learned to some extent to stop comparing my life to others. Although I recently backed out on a dinner invitation to a co-worker because I thought my house wouln't be perfect enough for her. I've never been to her house, but just from knowing her at work, I know her house is perfectly decorated with nothing out of place. (She has not kids, LOL) I love my house, but it's definitely not something from Better Homes and Gardens, LOL.

I hope you find peace within yourself, and love and understanding for who and what you are.

Brent and others,

I have had the same problems with typing long replies and losing them, so what I do now is copy them (Ctrl C) before I post. That way if something goes wrong with my computer or server, I can still post them.

Juls

[eddie z.]

(((Sharon))),
I can't imagine you being easy on yourself, but I think that's what you need to learn how to do. Give yourself credit for all the little things. And I know I can't afford to compare myself to "normal" people because that only makes me more depressed and disabled. Have you ever done any Cognitive Behavioral therapy? It helps you change your thinking so you don't get so depressed. It's a good addition to medication.

I wish I had more time right now to write but I have to go do something I don't really want to do, just so I get out of the house for a while, and keep a commitment I made. Then I can say I DID it!
Love and hugs,
Eddie

[runningfree]

Hi all...
I really hate to harp on the same thing and everyone keeps telling me to express my feelings. It hurts to say the same thing. Deep down the stuff is deep seeded and I can't get away from this. My "friend" has similar issues and it triggered all this deep buried stuff for me. I can't past the failure stuff. I don't think that you have to run marathons to be successful, but that is what I set for myself because running was the ONLY thing my whole life that I felt successful at. I knew that I wasn't really that good but I let myself feel good for a little while and now I am involved in someone that equally thinks the way that I do and is succeeding in everything that I couldn't get to. I feel that I have to face that I am not as good as I really thought I was. I did everything half-a--ed and hoped that no one would discover that I wasn't that good. Weight has always been a big issue in my life. No one noticed me when I was heavier than I am now. I now that at 44 the pounds are starting to pile on and with the lack of activity I am scared to death of my destiny. This fear has always been with me because I am accepted more in my personal life. I have been lucky and that luck is running out. I have been through the whole eating disorder stuff and I just can't do it. I am doing a better job of being cruel to myself right now and I can't see myself as anything other than a failure for deep seeded reasons that I can't get away from. I do feel that something awful is going to happen in order to teach me a lesson for feeling this way.
I teach young children everyday and I work VERY hard at doing a good job. When I am outside of my profession I just turn everything around as being negative. Although I try hard, I always feel that I am such a fake and that I can pretend and if parents knew the REAL me they would demand to have their child in another class.
I think I know the answer-- I have to like myself more and ease up on my expectations of myself. I don't see that happening unless someone takes out part of my brain or any feeling nerves.
It is my choice and my choice seems to be to hate myself and distrust those around me and feel that I just am not going to get any better. I think this will be the last post because I don't like sounding so negative. I do it well to myself, but typing it in and knowing that others are "listening" just confirms it even more and it is really sickening.
Thanks for listening.
Sharon

[woodtick]

Sharon,
You don't have to leave the board because you're depressed. I agree with Eddie about the Cognitive Behavioral therapy. It works wonders for depression. Ask your therapist if that is what she is trained in.


Everything you are saying is right out of my general psychology textbook under depression.

Here is a quote from CBS correspondent Mike Wallace after he had a debilitating bout of depression "You begin to feel like you are a fake and a fraud. You second guess everything about everything."

You just need to see that it is the depression affecting your perceptions in life and find the right treatment combination. Don't give up. You just got a new psyd, give it time. Make sure you stick to the meds and see a Cognitive Behavioral therapist once a week for about five weeks to start. Also make sure you are sleeping 8-9 hours a night. I don't see the negativity in your posts as you talking, I see it as the depression talking. The purpose of this forum is for people suffering to have a place to share and get support. Nobody will judge you or tell you to go away. It would be no different than somebody on the alcoholism board getting mad at someone for falling off the wagon. It doesn't happen. People on that forum fall off the wagon and nobody does anything but try to help them get back on. That is what this board is all about. You don't have to leave because you're feeling down. Most everybody here has been there. We understand and we want you to come back. You sound like you are headed in the direction of progress to me.

[eddie z.]

"I think I know the answer-- I have to like myself more and ease up on my expectations of myself."

That's more than half the battle right there!! And it's awesome that you recognize that you do have a choice, at least to some extent. Brent took most of the words right out of my mouth, so I'll just say ditto. Please check in and let us know how you are! You seemed to be making progress, believe it or not.

Love and (((hugs))),
Eddie

[runningfree]

THANKS, It has been at least a year now and it doesn't FEEL like I am making progress... I do know what I need to do and I know what I am and what I don't WANT to do it or FEEL like doing it. How is that for progress?

[jpal]

Wow. I see a lot of myself in your posts. I agree with woodtick-I hear the depression talking. So don't stop coming here because you feel depressed. That's why we are here.... The fact that you are here posting shows that you have made progress. It may seem to be going slowly, but it's GOING-thats the important part!! I wish you the best with your new med combo. For me, medication plays a huge roll. Changed my life, really. For some people, it takes a while and a lot of trial and error to find the medication that works best. It's not easy, but when you find the right meds it can make all the difference. Things can get better for you. You can succeed at the things you want. It may not seem so now, but it is possible. So don't give up-you're on your way!!

One thing in your post that I really related to was ***
I work VERY hard at doing a good job. When I am outside of my profession I just turn everything around as being negative. Although I try hard, I always feel that I am such a fake and that I can pretend ***

I felt the exact same way. I describe it as having only a certain amount of "energy" to use a day. I used all mine up at work, pretending that everything was fine and that there was no problem. It took a LOT of energy to do that, and yes it was fake! I put on my fake-happy-face for work and the "outside" world so no one would know that I was really seriously depressed. I kept it all well hidden. But when I got home, actually when I got into my car to go home, I would just start crying and berrating myself for anything and everything that was wrong with me and with my life. It was like a switch would go off as soon as I got in my car and the flood gates would open. I had no more energy left to keep it all in. There were 2 of me. The real me and the fake me. It was really hard to live that way, but at the time that's the way it had to be. I was trying to function in the world without all the tools I needed to do it. So I had to fake it.

I just want to let you know, there is a better way. There is hope for you!!! Seeking help(which you have already done) is the first step. NOW THAT'S PROGRESS!!!!! It is a slow process of rebuilding your life-and like I said-you're on your way. So just take it day by day, task by task. And come here often. There are many who have walked the walk and are here to support you!! I wish you all the best-and I know the power is in you!

[runningfree]

Wow.. You have no idea how much I appreciate the posts, but I am not as convinced in fact I am so pleased to hear the success stories, but I may not be a success story.
Thank you again.

[eddie z.]

Sharon,
It's a success story that you are alive and posting on here! Depression is a potentially fatal disease. Or you could be spending all your time in bed. If you MUST compare yourself, compare yourself with your worst and, as I've said before, give yourself credit for what you do do. You're making yourself miserable with this jealousy. I know because I'm very good at it myself.

I could feel like an ace hypocrite for sitting here in my nightie at 11 in the morning telling you what to do or I can be positive and hopeful and KNOW it's going to get better for both of us! Like you've said, it's a CHOICE. I sure hope you choose to start feeling better soon. I'm working on it, too!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[runningfree]

Thanks thanks and more thanks....
I actually printed off this whole spread of things and have been reading them all night. I had a meeting with my therapist and I explained that everyone is so kind and nice and supportive, but I can't believe that it is going to work. I told her that I have been getting more anxious with the support and kind words because I feel even more like I am not going to make it because maybe I don't want to change versus can't change. I don't know which it is right now. It appears right now that the medication combo is making me jittery and anxious, but I am not sure if I am creating this. If the choice is up to me then I will not be making the positive choice right now. I choose to get better, but all I can do is what I am doing. It is not making the pain at all less hurtful. She even suggested that I may consider not checking in here if I am getting so anxious and frustrated. I don't know what to do! Help!

[eddie z.]

Come to think of it, the Wellbutrin did seem to make me kind of nervous. I even had a tremor. My doctor added Inderal for those side effects and it seems to have done the trick.

I get the distinct impression you DO want to change. But it's just scary for you. I don't think you'd be asking for help the way you are if you didn't want to change, you know?

One thing I learned in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was to ask myself when I was anxious, "What's the worst that could happen?" And what is realistically likely to happen? Generally, we're talking about shame, right? No one ever died of shame. And I learned other ways to challenge fearful thoughts as well.

What do you think is going to happen if you don't get better as fast as you seem to think we think you should? That we're going to hunt you down with torches and pitchforks? Fat chance, you know?

Just tell yourself it's the meds making you nervous and ask what you really have to be afraid of. Odds are things are nowhere near as bad as we tend to make them out to be when we're depressed.

Wish you the best and you're in my prayers, Sharon!
Love, Eddie

[fuster]

Sharon:

You have a therapist. You need to work with her. This board is not a replacement for direct human contact. Even if you were reading posts from therapists, none of us can see how you look or behave.

Mental health is complicated to diagnose, and virtually impossible to self diagnose. There are plenty of opinions on web based forums like this one. While you can point yourself toward things you feel, such as "anxiety" or "depression", everyone experiences these feelings, and for all of us at times they can feel overwhelming, but it takes a careful assessment by a trained clinician to determine how much these feelings are interfering with your daily functioning and then formulate a plan for treatment.

There are many ways to manage depression and anxiety, if that in fact is all there is to how you are feeling. Unfortunately there could be more there and we are not qualified, nor does anyone on an internet medium have enough information, to give you all the help you will need. You are asking for support, and that can be given here in written form. But you need some support to be face to face, as this will give you a chance to try out management behaviors and get some feedback and validation for what may work for you. People giving feedback need to see how you appear, not just read what you write. I suggest you look into a group process setting if your therapist feels that is appropriate. You might also ask if there are any voluntary, non fee based support groups available, maybe one that is women only. :sweat