How do you make friends in sobriety?

[AnnieUnix]

Hi - I am getting really stuck. I have AA friends, but there aren't that many meetings where I live, and I want to make friends in the outside world too. I have done lots of volunteer work at my temple, hospice, etc., but no luck, those things have eventually always turned into sort of a job. I am going to try volunteering for the presidental candidate of my preference, and see if I can meet people that way. By that I mean I want to meet a nice guy - I havn't had a date in seven years, and I'd like to meet someone to spend time with. I am 42 tomorrow, not bad looking at all, and I have a good job. I don't know why, but I never seem to be able to make friends of either gender - I am genuinely interested in the people I meet, but I only meet users who dump their crap on me and leave. I am horrifically lonely and don't know what to do, and I often feel desperate. A couple of weeks ago I got through my worst battle with suicidal feelings, with the help of this board, and I don't want to go there again. But I've got to change something, do something, and I don't know what.

[eddie z.]

(((Annie))),
Maybe taking some classes would help. But I went through a similar desperately lonely period in my life, and what I learned is that I do not HAVE to have a boyfriend. What I NEED is to be able to spend time alone. I'm not saying we don't need friends, but placing excessive importance on having a "relationship" kept me crazy and depressed for a long time because I didn't have what I thought I needed. Turned out I was just wrong about what I needed.

I need to be OK with myself before I can really be OK with someone else. And I need to cultivate relationships with other women, too. Do you have a sponsor? Maybe you could talk to her about how you're feeling. Also, do your AA friends not do stuff together outside of meetings? I go out to eat with folks after meetings all the time. I hope this helpful and not too harsh or preachy. I wish you the very best!
Love, Eddie (female)

[Dan]

Happy belated birthday ((Annie))!

[Justme57]

Hi Annie

I am with Eddie on this one , I had never had close women friends til I came to AA, and it has been a learning experience for me . I too started going for coffee ( and Pizza) after meetings ,and have found that I have much in common with some of the women. We go for lunch, have " girls nites in" sad movies , and soup lol, we have formed a book club, we sew together , all kinds of things !I have found it to be very enriching , and I have learned to laugh again!

I am just begining to feel "part of" AA, even the men , who initially were a bit " stand offish" tease me, and hug me now , ( even tho I am old enough to be their Mum) lol

it all takes time Annie

hang in there

HUGX
lee

[Juls]

Even when I used, I never had using friends. It has always been difficult for me to make friends, and I have come to accept that it is just some aspect of myself. On the other side of that though is that when I meet someone whom I can be friends with, it's almost like an instantaneous thing. It's hard to explain. I have experienced many painful times because of wanting to have friends, and feeling as though I didn't. Right now most of the friends I do have I've known for many years, I think the longest is 31 years, but over the years we've moved and so none of us live close.

My personal feeling is that if I can have even two or three really good and true friends during my life than that is a blessing. I think you know what I mean. Other can be casual friends and acquaintances, but I have been blessed to have the kind of friends I can really count on if there were ever something wrong and I needed them.

Eddies input is very good, and I had to learn that for myself too. That I could be happy just by myself without needing anyone. Then I didn't feel so desperate about having to have friends.

Joining something that you have an interest in like a class, yoga, karate, art, etc. can be a good way to meet people. I've heard the Sierra Club is a good way to meet people if you like hiking and the outdoors.

I hope you can make some contacts and that you do find that special someone.

Juls

[Cathy31]

Hi Annie
A really nice place to meet nice people is Toastmasters...it might sound off-putting but it's lots of good fun and you learn or enhance a really good skill (public speaking) Another one to try might be Alliance Francaise?
Good luck! Keep us posted!
Cathy
x

[StandFast]

I struggle with this as well. I joined Toastmaster and this is rewarding as I jumped in as vp of PR for my club (training, conferences,etc) but have not met anyone yet for dating purposes.

I believe that when I am looking from someone it doesn't happen. It is hard not to be looking but maybe you know what it means. I am staying out of bars and clubs for now because of obviouse reasons.

I don't do the online thing as I had limited success with this medium altough my friends do well (2 got married via match.com) - You may want to try that.

Volunterring when I lived in Atlanta 7 years ago was a hot way to meet people.

Single parties are okay.

I feel that God will provide me with the right person when I am ready. Although, I think I should make more of an effort; sadly the last thing I need right now is a relationship. But the solitare life gets old.

Good luck, keep a positive atitude, dress for success and keep an open mind.

[eddie z.]

Hey, StandFast!! Wow, this is really an old thread. Most of the people who posted are no longer around as far as I know. But thank you for resurrecting it nonetheless. It reminds me that I need to get back to what I did when I was early in recovery—more service work and "fellowshipping." Again, thanks for the reminder, StandFast!!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[historyteach]

EDDIE!!!!!
I've been thinking of you recently.
How ARE you???

Shalom, my friend
And don't be a stranger...

[eddie z.]

Hey, Debbie!! Marvelous to see you!! I have been better, but, then again, I've been worse, so I'm trying not to complain too much. I lost my job, professional license, contract with the monitoring agency, and my mama cat all since February. Almost lost my marriage as well. It has NOT been a good year for me. How 'bout you??

Oh, by the way, pretty much the only place I post regularly is the Bedtime Gratitude thread. I try to do that every night. Missed last night, though. Anyway, come on over there and visit when you have a chance.

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[historyteach]

Eddie,
I'm soooo sorry....
When you have time, please let me know what's up, ok?

I've had better years myself, but, I just lost my mom last month after a long hard illness. I miss her, but, she's in a much better place. I feel like I'm just starting to move on, but, still have a tough time...especially when it comes to Trevor's BS, ya know?

Anyway, I'm glad you still have room to be grateful. That can make all the difference in the world, doesn't it? I'll try and make it there.

So good to see you...

Shalom!