Why??

[runningfree]

I just came from a wake of a 24 year old son of a co-worker. He died in a car accident on Tuesday. No parent should have to bury their child. The guilt I feel is overwhelming that this family has endeared this loss and I have contemplated my own life in many recent occassions. They shouldn't have to go through this when people such as myself can't value life more and stop being so self absorbed and focused on my own problems. Maybe depression is just a lame way of being lazy and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself without taking any responsibility. I am searching for the miracle drug and all I really need is a swift kick in the butt and be told to suck it up and move on. Life is too short to be so focused on myself. If I don't like myself then that is my problem, but I need to stop thinking about it all and start living. I am sure the funeral is going to be awful and overwhelming. I didn't really know the boy very well and I know his mom from working in the same school, but I feel guilty that she must go through this awful thing. Why does God do these awful things to good people. I am sure that with all the defeatest comments and the poor opinion I have of myself, I will be stricken with some awful disease and ironically I would hate for that to happen even though I have felt that the world would be a better place with out me causing problems and bringing everyone down. I always think that I should have been taken and not some innocent kid that is loved so much my his family and his sister will just die with out her best friend.
Sorry for rambling... It has been a tough week.

[eddie z.]

"all I really need is a swift kick in the butt and be told to suck it up and move on."

If only it were that easy! Anyone who would do that to you doesn't understand the disease of depression. And that's what it is. Don't be so down on yourself, darnit!! You didn't ask for this illness. I know I didn't either.

I am really struggling with the depression myself these days, but I'm not blaming myself or allowing myself to feel guilty. That only makes things worse and contributes to that downward spiral.

What does seem to help is to help others, to "get out of myself." Like you said, to not be so focused on myself and my problems. I was feeling so crappy earlier tonight until I let another person tell me about HER struggles. It made me feel so much better.

Remember rf, you ARE worthwhile and this WILL pass! Hang in there and stay in touch.

Much love,
Eddie

[runningfree]

Well I managed to make it through this awful funeral and I thought many times that I should be in that box and not this awesome, life loving, fun club starting boy. He was a miracle to anyone he touched. I had no idea that he was such a wonderful leader, worker, friend, brother and son.
My heart just broke for this family and all the time I felt that it should be me and not him. I am ruining people's lives. My husband is miserable, my kids are affected and my "friend" that sort of rubbed the part of my core that brought out all these demons is hurting so much about my inability to nurture our friendship that she is walking out. I have turned around all the hurt she caused me into my fault.

Everyone says that this will pass! I don't see it or feel it. I need to like myself. Some people just don't like sardines. It doesn't mean that sardines are bad, but they are pretty nasty to many people. I don't like sardines in fact I despise sardines and I don't like myself. I am not going to get used to sardines and I don't think I am going to get used to myself.
Thanks for your help...

[eddie z.]

"hurting so much about my inability to nurture our friendship that she is walking out."
Boy, do I identify with that! My best girlfriend of 10 years broke my heart when she cut me off due to what she perceived as my unwillingness to "nurture our friendship." Turns out I just don't KNOW how to have close friendships. So, yes, PART of that break was "my fault," but this girl definitely had issues of her own, too. Today, I have a more balanced perspective on the whole thing. I can see that each of us played a part and I have LEARNED that I don't want to make the same mistakes again.

I'm sorry you're still feeling so down on yourself. I hear a compassionate, concerned, intelligent, and funny woman in your posts. You do NOT deserve to be in a casket!! If there are things we don't like in ourselves, we are capable of change, you know? I'm trying very hard myself right now. And we CAN do this together, OK? What do you do for your recovery? Therapy, medication, meetings? I find I need all that and more.

Keep reaching out!!
Love, Eddie

[spirit]

hi running,

maybe you could think about what bits yo dont like about yourself and see if they can be changed or how to cope with them. there must be somethings you like, or even if you dont say you like them, there must be good qualities you have and things you are able to do. i've never met a person who had NO goodness or value in them whatsoever.

i to suffer depression, and one of the ways i try and cope is to say "ok this bit makes me feel like crap - so i wont do it today, or i will do something else that i feel good about" even it is only getting out of bed and making coffee, somedays that is a HUGE achievement. somedays i give myself persmission not to get out of bed and make coffee, i have a mental health day haha

you have had a tough week, and the unnecessary deaths of young people do make us questions the rights and wrongs of life, not just our own, but the universe etc.

it is good to be talking about your feelings, see that is obviously a good skill you have, the ability to share, talk and understand your feelings!

hugs to you
kath

[woodtick]

Hi rf,
I'm glad you are posting your thoughts. It is good to get things out in the open and get other people's perspectives and thoughts. Like Eddie said, you did not choose to be depressed. Unfortunately depression only lets us see the bad things within ourselves. The more we see bad things the more depressed we get. It's a vicious cycle.

I have felt just like how you are feeling now. I know how hard it can be. You haven't done anything bad like kill someone. You've just got a disease that keeps you down is all. Once you get that licked your problems with negativity around others will be solved I would think. Anybody that has blinders on from depression and only sees bad things would be negative. How could you not.

Focusing on yourself wouldn't be a bad thing if you were doing it to help your recovery from depression. When we don't like ourselves there usually is a reason. If the reason is a lie or exaggeration we need to see the truth first. If it is something that is the truth we need to try to change it and put it in our past. That is the way to liking and loving ourselves. Everybody in this world would hate themselves if they didn't do it.

I really hate to see you feeling bad. You are an intelligent, sensitive, kind, wonderful person who cares. You have a good heart and that is what matters throughout life. I don't mean to use a cliché' but it is appropriate and I don't know how else to say it. Everything else is minimal and can be worked on in time. You bring a lot of good things to the world around you, maybe you just can't see them right now. You have lots of things good to offer. Think about all those children that you bring joy to at work. I bet they adore you because you are a wonderful person inside. I bet they go home at night and talk about you and think about learning their homework to please you. I'm sure there are many other things that you do in life that make this world a better place.

Try to understand your depression better. If you do, you will be able to turn it around sooner and you will love yourself for doing it. There is hope S, you just need to find the questions before you can get the answers.

[runningfree]

Brent,
I know there is hope, but it is so sporadic that I feel that hope. I go from really feeling like the world (people around me) are better off without my problems effecting them to thinking that perhaps things might work out. My note on your summer is here post reflects my initial thoughts for today. It was a better day, but tomorrow may turn into a tough day. I have a tough time with the positives because as soon as I begin to go down that road -- the rug comes out from under me.
I do have a doctors appt in Boston on Wednesday and hopefully it will be positive. It is not covered by insurance so it is a flat $500 for one hour and I hope that this doctor isn't at all like the other one. He was also not covered by insurance, but he wasn't as high. I am keeping my fingers crossed because I am not going to a third doctor. This is it!
Have a good day.
--Sharon

[eddie z.]

(((more hugs for rf)))
$500???? WOW!! He bloody well better help you. Let us know how it goes, OK?
Love, Eddie

[woodtick]

Sharon,
Holy cow! 500 bucks for one hour! I ought to be in that line of work!!LOL That is really steep. I couldn't' afford it. My clinic only charges around $175-200. Fortunately I have insurance that covers it. It must be a regional pricing issue.

I hope this guy is good. You need a sign that things are going to get better. As I have said before, the treatment that is found most effective by most doctors is a combination of talk therapy and medication. I place equal value on each for my recovery. When you see this guy tell him everything you tell us. When you get a new doc it takes time to build an understanding of what's going on and has gone on in your life. My psychology teacher said that he uses the first five or six sessions just to build trust in the person and establish a foundation. Don't expect instant changes. You didn't become depressed instantly. Look for subtle improvements and PLEASE PLEASE don't give up and keep trying.

[Juls]

Runningfree,

Those kinds of feelings are common when we suffer from low self worth. It's hard for us to understand why we are left on this earth when it seems we have so little to offer while another person, such as this lady's child, suffers what seems to be an unecessary death. Then some will say "It's all in God's plan" which doesn't seem to make any sense at all to me. These are questions that don't have any real answers, but the bottom line is we are still here. We have to keep working towards our goal, whatever that is, achieving better mental health is one of mine. I can never make any sense out of these things, but have to accept it as "part of life," and try to keep in mind that I can do something, no matter how small it is, to make my corner of the world a little better.

Juls