Back again and still not with it...

[runningfree]

[FONT=Verdana][COLOR=RoyalBlue] Wow, These new options are great and so creative. I feel like I've been to OZ and back with the loss of all the names and posts of people since Jan 19. I almost didn't sign on again, because I feel like I'm not getting better and I have realized that it isn't going to get any better unless I make it happen. I am not doing it. I feel like depression (if that is what I have) is like being addicted. I have to have the power to change it and if I don't then I am just keeping my habit going.

I am still trying to find a doctor since my previous doctor felt that my expectations were too high and I needed to make the changes through therapy rather than medication. It should'nt be this difficult to find someone compassionate enough that won't give up. I suppose I am a bit gunshy because if this turns out the same then not only will I have wasted the $2000.00 in doctor/medication bills plus what is going to come my way, but the whole year plus of hoping that something is going to make it better.

It is possible that some people are just prone to pessimistic, self defeating, low moods that they just can't pretend to be something that they are not. This could be as good as it gets and in order to be around others the pretending needs to take place because others don't want to be around a self defeated, low and sad person. It is not fun. "I am ruining the lives of my husband and my children" by bringing them down (quoted by my husband who is still sticking around but has delivered that message to me.)

My husband can't make me happy if I do not feel good about myself therefore I shouldn't put him in this position. I am recently just avoiding him and the kids and trying to not make problems. I took my children to my hometown for the Easter weekend and had lunch with 2 of my 3 sisters and my brother. Both parents are dead and we only see each other once a year. They all know I am struggling, but they were good and they didn't talk about it at my request. Visiting this area of my growing up years is so painful, because after 25 years I am still looking for something that I am not going to find. I am still the wanna-be kid that wants to be like everyone else. I missed my entire youth in a shell wishing to be something I wasn't. I can't bring back those lost years and at 44 I am still searching and trying to prove myself to all and most of all to myself. I am my toughest critic and it is not working. I am just staying afloat.
I have everything that anyone would ask for... A good career, beautiful healthy children, a husband that is ambitious and faithful and loving. We own a lovely home with a new pool and the works. I feel so guilty for not being able to be happy about these things. Many people can't say that they have these things and are blessed with the relationships that I have with my children and my husband. (He just can't handle anything emotional that he can't fix. I have to just turn the other way if it is an emotional feeling) If I don't like the color of the new chair that he just bought then he can handle that, but not anything emotional. I am being told that I have to live with this because it is just the way he is and my love for him will need to understand that this is his thing that he is not good at.
I do believe that I have rambled enough. I want to go take the dog running, but I can't seem to get myself to do it. When I am in this mood I get so self defeated and so stubborn on doing anything that could possibly make me feel good. It is a form of a self-punishment dance that I have become so good at. :boat

[2stop]

"When you think at that moment that it is possible-then the magic starts."-Siegfried

I can relate to so much that you wrote. Depression can be so cruel..to the sufferer.and the family. I myself have been in some very deep depressions and have tried many times to take my life. It was not until I found a way to believe that yes..even I was worthy of being happy and fulfilled and content..I always felt like I had to shoulder the burden, bear the bad news..and I got I think to where it was just easier to be pessimistic and expect defeat...than to get my hopes up..only to come crashing down around me so painfully hard. It is one of the most difficult things I have ever done..to hang on when the depression is so brutal..and to climb out of it....it is real work. But it can be done. baby steps, trusted friends or counselors to talk with, yoga, exercise, a ood diet, art, beauty of nature, journalling..these thinsg all help me..but they did not work until I could believe that it was actually possible to change my thinking. A great book I highly recommend is Real magi..by Dy Wayne Dyer. It has encouraged and inspired me many atime when I felt I could not pull myself up even an inch. Also finding all the success stories of thos who found a way to live well and be truly happy ins pite of depression helps too. Knowing it can be done will help you so much.
Please hang in there. I know how dark and bleak and frustrating it gets. And I also know better days are available to us. Maybe find ahobby you could enjoy, or a yoga class, walking is excellent....the beauty of nature inspires me. Start slow, no big expectations..just little step by little step..you can do this. keep posting and talking about it, never stop trying...you are as worthy and deserving of a miracle as everyone else. Believe..and then you will see. I always waited to see so I could believe, and it never quite worked. It's ahard thing to break from but so worth it.

{{{Warm, Supportive Hugs}}}

[runningfree]

Thank you... As my eyes fill with tears I too hope for that feeling of I can do it. All the things you described I know are healing, but I am making myself not do them. I actually am making myself not do the good things for myself. I enjoy running, but I will make every excuse in the world to not do it because then I should feel good and I either am afraid I won't or I don't deserve too! I am not sure if I have heard of anyone here being so low and self-punishing. Most seem to take strides to improve rather than dig themselves deeper in the hole of depression. If I take one baby step forward then I take 5 baby steps back with my self-punishment. My therapist is aware of this and is clearly stated that I can't move forward unless I stop the self-loathing. This is as difficult as the depression. If I can control the self loathing then I can control the depression. Neither of which I am doing a very good job at.
Thank you for your kind words.

[2stop]

I too have spells where I do everything in my power to sabotage myself. I am so hard on myself. My husband says all the time to me..he's never seen anyone be so mean to themselves. I do it with strict eating allowances, with taking drugs I know full well will only hold me back, I do it with Who cares attitude, with horribly negative talk about myself, I do it by not allowing myself to be treated well or with respect, all kinds of things. It is truly very difficult to turn this around, but please know it is possible. Are you a praying person? I have to pray and also meditate alot on days that I am like this. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. We always have achoice in all that we do....this was key to helping me turn myself around a bit..of which I am along ways off from being emotionally healthy......Start with something small, something that is respectful and good for YOU.
Also like you said...hoping for that feeling..I can so relate, the trick I found was this..I had to create that feeling by my actions and by my attitude, and let me tell you it hurt liek any physical pain to do so. I still resist it alot, but with practice and commitment it gets better, not perfect.
Do you tend to be a perfectionist in most things? Super high expectations of yourself and others? I was like this...and I burned out..didn't want to breathe..let alone participant in DOING anythin with anybody, least of all myself..I became stuck...frozen, in a limbo of hell. It can get better my friend. be patient with yourself..and slowly start to ewxplore wasy in which you can creatre the life you desire. Don't give up..there is always hope.

[runningfree]

Again, thanks...
It ishard to listen to the fact that is all up to me! For that I think it is impossible. Yes I am a perfectionist. I had always thought of my self as spiritual, but recently I don't know if I fit the bill. My daughter recently refused to go to church and said that she didn't believe in God and if there is a god then why would "HE" (and why does it have to be a he she also said) take the life of my CCD teacher's husband with cancer." This woman is very good and she is spiritual. I don't want to believe in a god that will do that"
I stopped and I felt stunned and unable to explain what god is and why we should believe. I had never been faced with that question. I could not answer it. I felt the words come out as "this is what you are supposed to do" Frozen without the feelings to describe to her a reason for faith I felt useless with this endeavor and completely taken over by this illness. I fear my negative effects on my children. This is when I fear what I will do if I start seeing myself come out in my children. Right now they have their father's zest for life and their mother's sensitivity. I hope that my negativism doesn't get them down or ruin their lives because I am not doing anything to make it better.
Thank you again for your perserverance and interest.

[woodtick]

Hi S,
It sounds like you don't have a new doc yet. I hope you are able to find someone that wants to do his job at least!

I think I'm going to type that article on communication and post it in the relationships forum so everybody can read it. It describes your husband's reaction to a tee. Actually all of us men apparently have this problem. We just can't handle being told about a problem that we can't solve. It is absolute torture for us. On the other hand women have to talk about things that are bothering them. It is torture for women to not talk. They just want somebody to listen that's all. No solutions, just listen and give support some times. Once you both understand that, I think a compromise might look like this: maybe he can start listening with a compassionate ear and not think about solutions all the time and you can maybe be more selective about when you choose to discuss emotional things. I haven't tried this experiment yet but it sounds logical to me. What do you think?

[Juls]

Hi Running Free,

As I read your post, it was like reading about myself because I too have struggled with those same issues.

I really don't like to give "advice" so-to-speak, but I will tell you what has helped me. The first thing, and I (at age 48) still have to work at this, is acceptance. Acceptance of myself and all my idiosynchracies, my depressions, my self-sabotaging behavior, and any other negative aspect that I perceive about myself. The second is loving all those aspects of myself. Giving love to all that negativity that lives inside me. I don't know if this makes any sense, but in a way it's like a child who misbehaves in order to get attention. The answer does not lie in punishment of those acts but of seeing beyond those things to the individual that lies deeper and loving yourself not matter what. It's not an easy thing.

The second thing is learning to change the behaviors that are causing dysfunction in your life. But it's not always necessary to focus on the behavior. Sometimes I take a specific behavior and work on learning a new way to deal with something. For instance although I'm not a diagnosed bi-polar I do have these up and down mood swings, and one of the things I do when I'm up is impulsive spending. I'll see something I like and I feel that I have to have right then, I can't wait. I believe that this aspect of myself comes from not having anything nice or pretty when I was little. So now at 49 years of age I am learning impulse control.

When I get into a depressed mode where I don't want to do anything but sit on the couch and stare at the t.v. instead of getting down on myself and thinking about what an awful defective person I am, I give myself positive re-inforcement messages telling myself that that part of me that is depressed is deserving of love and I allow myself to feel depressed and give into it for a bit, but in exchange I make myself do something positive and that is good for myself like taking a walk. Sometimes I only go around the block, but I have done something positive for myself and I give myself credit for it.

Believe me it is not easy, and I have struggled with this for all the life that I can remember, but it has gotten better. I'm also on medication, and I'm sure I will be for the rest of my life and I accept that too. Acceptance is an amazing thing because when you learn to accept you don't have to waste your energy struggling against yourself.

I hope some of this is helpful to you, and you learn that you can love yourself and be good to yourself and it is o.k.

Juls

[runningfree]

Thanks Juls,
This seems to be the common theme in my responses--to accept myself more. I just don't see it as a thing that is going to happen for me unless someone hits me over the head and I lose my memory. As soon as I try to do something good I sabatoge myself therefore the wanting side of me loses out because the self punishing side of me is stronger and much more assertive and destructive. I did find peace with myself for quite sometime when on a different medication and something happened in my personal life that rocked my emotions up and the medications seemed to be slowly becoming uneffective prior to this and all happened at the same time. A year later, I am on another meds that doesn't seem to give me that same feeling that the other did and I feel that hopefully I will be able to find that peaceful feeling that allowed to not butcher myself and feel so worthless. Life was good then and I don't know if I can get it back because if it is up to me entirely then it ain't happening!!!!
Thanks again-- I don't even know if you will get this if it is on my original post>>>