Yikes!

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I have been sleeping more also. Actually I just woke up from a nap. I have been coming home in the middle of the day after work and sleep before I go back. That is helping me a little with my mood. But today I am a little down. I will be okay though.

I don't feel like I do anything right at work... Ever and it is just hard. People are telling me how much I make a difference in their kids lives but I feel like I jeprodize my job and things to do it. I don't know. It is confusing and things... I just need to find or change something I am sure.

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

:sad6: it has been so long! I started a Partial Hospitalization program on Thursday. It's lots of educational groups and group therapy. I managed to make it through Thursday and Friday without napping, but I succumbed today. :sleeping1

How is your weekend going? Hope all is well with you. Oh, I finally got those pictures on Thursday. Thanks! It was good to see you smiling. And you are plenty pretty, contrary to what you may think. I don't have any good recent photos of me-self.

I am sure... Sound familiar?

Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I have been busy also. I am so confused about Seth, the guy I like. He acts like he likes me and I just don't know.

I have been taking naps. I have been so busy though. I got my new glasses which are helping a lot.

Tell me more about the partial you've started what is it like and things? I would love to hear about it.

Yeah, that little guy is cool.

~lurkings

[eddie z.]

I can't believe I haven't been on here since Saturday! Sorry. And I've got to keep this short, too. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. I'll tell you about what I've been up to later, OK? How was your session this week?
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
My session was good. I was able to talk a lot more and am starting to really make connections with things that are going on. It was just good. I have been a lot better about touch and things. She has been holding me. I will sit down and she just comes over and holds me the whole time which has been so wonderful.

We have been talking, still, about suicide and things and touching on it because I am just able to really start talking to her about it now after what... A few weeks. So I have had to make a promise that anytime I feel bad to call her first.

We also have been talking about expressing things and identifying feelings and things. Just a lot of things...

I am glad that you have been busy actually. Good for you!

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

Hey, lurkings! I'm back. Still sleeping an awful lot, though. I really need to catch up on here. Have you seen dot? How is your weekend going? Have you spent any more time with Seth? I've just been sleeping, exercising, and watching DVDs. Haven't even been to a meeting! :nono: Bad Eddie. Guess I'm going to go see what's happening around here. Let me know what's up with you.
Love, Eddie :sigh1:

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I am getting ready to meet Seth in a few minutes, we are going to go to the boardwalk and a chili cook off. His mom has been down. I don't think him and I feel the same about each other so I am backing off. I don't want to waist time on something that doesn't exsist ya know? It has felt good for a while though. I don't know where he stands and he won't tell me. So time to move on huh?

I have missed talking to you. I am starting to stand up for myself a little bit I think... Building some confidence. I think next session will be a good one. It will be at night because my schedule is so busy.

Can you tell me anything about the partial you have been doing? I am extremly interested in how it works and thinkgs!

Talk to you soon I hope!
~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

lurkings,
Sorry I've been away so long. Hope you're doing alright! I'm still going to the "intensive outpatient" program. Then I come home and sleep. It's all group therapy and educational groups except when we see the doctor. I'll probably just go a couple of days more next week and then that will be it. If I could just get over this wanting to sleep all the time!

How are you? I've had some pretty serious self-harm urges in the past week or so, but I haven't acted on them. They'd probably put me away if I did. I just need to quit watching bloody vampire movies. I figure that's what inspired those thoughts.

Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I have had a lot going on... I don't know where to begin.

I am not doing well at the present time... Not like suicidal. I've been emotionally worn down. Oh well...

I am glad you are doing this for yourself. I'm glad you haven't acted on the urges but it probably has a lot to do with dealing with emotions that you don't know what or how to handle yet. Hang in there girl...

Oh, I did sprain my wrist... That is new.

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

Sorry about your wrist and that you're not doing well.

I'm STILL working on my sleep schedule, believe it or not.

Like my new avatar? He's my new obsession. Gerard Butler. Ever seen him? HOT HOT!

[eddie z.]

I lied. I already changed my avatar. I'm trying to attach the picture.

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Thats cool... I wish I had more to say but I just don't know.

I'll try to talk to you later.

Lurkings

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I think some of my problem is that I stopped taking the medicine. I know I know I am a bad person. But I just couldn't handle it. I would die about half way through the day. It has only been about two weeks though but I notice a difference. I am going to go back on it and call the Dr.

Candy and I are meeting tomorrow. I definitly see improvement with therapy and now other people are starting to notice.

Tonight, though, I am in need of comfort. I have been curling up with my bear and blanket. I think I might actually bring it tomorrow. It can be very comforting sometimes. I don't know.

How is all your stuff going? Has it started making a difference?

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

Yes, that was quite naughty of you, but I know what you mean about dying in the afternoon. I've been napping extensively myself. Do call the doctor tomorrow, OK?

My "stuff" just keeps dragging out. My meds are constantly being adjusted and I'm constantly tired, but having trouble sleeping at night. On Friday, I thought I'd be discharged tomorrow. Now that does not seem probable.

[eddie z.]

More Gerry Butler! From Tomb Raider:Cradle of Life. The previous one is from Dracula 2000.

[eddie z.]

lurkings,
Are you still recuperating from your visit with Candy? What's going on?
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
It was alright. We talked about my sensitivity to people with pasts like mine... That I pick up on them easily... We made a budget... I had a hard time talking. When I was first telling her this dream I had I started getting high anxiety and breathing hard then later when I calmed down we talked about it. I don't remember a whole lot... I wasn't totally there ya know?

I started taking my meds again but I didn't call the Dr yet... I'll get there.

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

I know what you mean about picking up on people's histories. We say, "If you spot it, you got it," meaning roughly it takes one to know one. I don't think it's all that unusual.

Sorry you had a rough session again. But it sounds like you're OK now and making good progress. Do keep taking the Lexapro, though. And thanks for checking in.

Love, Eddie

[eddie z.]

Hey, lurkings!
What are you up to this weekend? I was discharged yesterday from the program I was in. Now what do I do? Hope all is well with you.
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Isn't being discharged a good thing? Go volunteer some place.

Sorry, not sure what else to say.

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

You have a good point there!! And thanks for the reminder about volunteering. Although I really need to get some money coming in somehow...

How are you doing? Have you been lurking or not around at all? I've missed you! Hope all is well.
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I have just been pretty busy with things. I don't know.

I'm just tired I guess... Things seem to be repeating themselves. Not always bad though. I wish I was just more capable though in everything. Perhaps I am just being too hard on myself or pushing myself too much. I have been trying to mix it with fun though. I've been surfing and doing other things.

One of the kids pulled my earring halfway through my ear... One of the ones in the top of my ear... Lets just say, "ouch!"

What do you think you are going to do for a job? Any ideas?

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

OUCH sounds about right! Just don't let it get infected, OK?

And of course you're being too hard on yourself. That's what you do well, give yourself a hard time, right?

It's great, though, that you're surfing and stuff. I saw you're into martial arts. What style? I used to do Ishin Ryu (sp?) for a little while.

For work, I'm going to apply at a couple of video stores and maybe the YW� places that I go anyway. I would apply at the grocery store but I shop at the chain where I got caught stealing, so I kind of doubt they'd hire me. lol.

Speaking of which, I need to go turn in this application. Stay in touch, OK? I hope you get to feeling better!

Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Well, I don't think I am being too hard on myself actually I am just screwing things up. I don't know what is going on but my job is now hanging in the balance. I don't really know what to do so I guess I will just have to keep plugging away at this.

I had my session it was good and bad... Good that I talked about my bad day. Which is the first. I lost my cell phone but got a new one today.

Just pray that I find the right path because I am messn' up every where. Got to go.

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

Sorry things are mest up with your job! You are definitely in my prayers. I turned in an application to a video/tanning place today and they really do need help so maybe something will come of it. The girl that was working was alone I think and about to . Sleep well! How's that going, by the way?
Love, Eddie