Yikes!

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Everything was going okay until I went and got something to eat. Then some lady triggered me and now I am suffering. She touched my back twice while I was in line and I started having these body memories about my abuse and almost had a full fledge attack in the store. I get these extremly sharp pains in my bottom and in my other area from when I was assaulted by the boys. I started having anxiety and cold chills on my legs.

I just e-mailed Candy about it. I hope she e-mails me back. I feel really bad now... I think I need to lay down for a little while!

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

lurkings,
I am SO very sorry that happened to you! It really sucks. Yes, find that blanket and go lie down. Well, I guess you already have. Hope you can sleep OK!
Much love,
Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Yes, I went and laid down. I feel horrible still though. I don't like the kids to spend a lot of time touching me at work let alone a stranger. Have you ever had body memories from your abuse?

Last night I didn't sleep that well. I kept waking up. I woke up at 2, 3, 4, and 5:30. That last time was okay because I just got up and got ready for work. I am tired right now though. My blanket was great last night. I curled up so tight with it. I couldn't stand not to be curled up with it. I am like that at night anyways but this is a new blaket and I was already accustomed to another one so now I am trying to get use to this one. It is getting better though. I think I might go do some clothes and take a nap before work.

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

No, I don't get those body memories. Then again, I don't have PTSD either. I didn't repress any memories, so they don't come sneaking out in weird ways. Know what I mean? I can remember just about everything easily.

Have you gotten to feeling better? I hope so. Got anything big planned for the weekend?
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I wish I could remember everything but it will come in time. I don't want to know because it will be hard but I want to know so that I know where things come from... Kind of bitter sweet. They do sneak up though.

Well, today was okay... I had an issue with my boss. She and I are working on me getting oranized... I am not an organized person but she doesn't follow her own advice and it makes me mad because she isn't even setting a good example. So I talked to her. I pointed out things from the book she isn't doing and how it is affecting me. Then she really didn't want to listen so even though we got it worked out I still had unrsolved feelings... So today I drew her. The ugliest thing and scribbled on it and wrote out all the things I was mad about that I didn't get to address. I am feeling better. I am tired and ready for bed though. Very emotional lately.

I am going to go curl up in my bed with my blanky and snuggle... Perhaps Torey and Emily will join me... If you remember them... I just need some comfort and sleep and tomorrow is Friday! Yeah!!!!

How are you doing?

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

lurkings,
Is your boss the reason you're thinking about changing jobs? Or is it something about the job itself? Anyway, I'm glad to hear you did some drawing, even if it was angry. At least you got some of it out without hurting yourself, you know?

Of course I remember Torey and Emily. Did you all sleep alright? I woke up a few times but I didn't get up, then I slept 'til after ten again. This is really ridiculous! I'm even napping in the afternoon, too. I hope I'm not reversing my days and nights.

Well, I have to get laundry done and stuff. Talk to you later. Have a good day!
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
She is part of the reason. Also the job itself. It is hard because I can't leave the job... Where I work is also my church. So I am overly involved. I am also looking for something that might help me pay for college in the long run.

Yeah, it helped. I didn't hurt myself and this was okay.

Sleep not much. I have had a lot of dreams and things I feel like I am up all night and it is a pain. So, I guess I will try again tonight. I am extremly tired so I hope it will take over.

I am doing alright over all I gues though. I am trying... Really I am!

Well, I hope you got all your stuff done!

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

Well, I napped again yesterday afternoon instead of working out. But I did get the laundry done for the most part. I'm getting ready to go for a run though right now. Maybe I'll get more done this afternoon. Did you get some sleep last night? What are you up to today?
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Sleep? What is that again?

Lets see... I made a mexican salad for a lunch I went to, fed the chicken, jumped on the trampoline, climbed a tree and now I am waiting for my brother in law to get home so we can catch a corn snake... Other than that nothing. I think I might go to the beach ofter that. Watch some movies tonight with my niece... Eat dinner.... All that good stuff. I get bored really easily!

I wrote Candy a nice long e-mail on how bad I think everything sucks... Haven't got a reply back yet... Oh, I have double vison and the eye doctors are having trouble fixing it and today it is really on my nerves...

How are you?

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

You have a chicken? And where and why are you going to catch a corn snake? You live out in the country, don't you?

And what's up with the double vision? Is it related to your headaches at all? Well, that's enough questions I think. I'm gonna take another nap.

Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
My niece has 6 chickens at her house which I am at right now with my sister. The corn snake was in the coop but now is gone. I kind of live out in the country but my sister actually lives in a city and has an acer. My niece wanted chickens so my mom (her grandmother) bought her some.

I like to go see and mess with them when I come over!

~Lurkings

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Double vision, I don't know, I just have it and my eye twitches! I don't think it is related to my headaches... I have good eye sight but, I see double. So when I get glasses I see 15/20. My eye muscles in one eye are weaker than the other and that is why I am seeing double. I have glasses but don't wear them because it makes the double bigger so I have a harder time seeing. Oh well!

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

lurkings,
Do you know how to hypnotize the chickens? What you got on the agenda today? My mom and I are going to the YW and I probably should go tan, too. Jump on that trampoline for me, OK? Sounds like a blast.
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
No, I know how to beat the rooster though. He is mean and will chase you.

I went to church, went to another church, went to my g-mas to eat, swam, sang happy b-day to my sis and came home... I am now tired and ready for bed. I am kind of depressed because I haven't had any time to myself so I am trying to do that. I took a picture of my "spot" I will e-mail it to you, tell me if it works okay?

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

I didn't get any e-mail yet, so it may not have worked.

Sounds like you did have quite the busy weekend. Hope you got some time for yourself last night! Did you?

Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
No...

I feel really icky today! I've thought about killing myself, I cut and I had to leave work for a little while because I broke down. I can't take this much more. I don't even know what is wrong. I try to be happy. I really do... I just don't know how to be. Can anyone tell me what it means to be happy? No, I don't like making myself do something just for me because there are so many things I can do for others. All I keep hearing about in sessions is, "That relates back to childhood traumas." I want to know how to fix it. Who am I? Am I defined by the type of troubles I have encountered? If that is who I am then I am a raped, attempted murder victim, unloved, that has nothing good to say, front for people to hide behind and blame... Would you like to be my friend?

I don't want to be my friend. Like I told Eddie, I think, I had a list of what to live for nothing positive came out of that list. Juls, I wish I could change my thoughts but it is useless, seeing myself for who I am is the only reality I have left. My personality is an INFP- Which, in psychological terms mean Interverted, Intuitive, Feeling and percieving but what I really am is Insecure, Non-exsitant, F***ed-up Person...

My cup of tea is almost empty and I am waiting for God to say my time is up even if it is by the knife in my drawer... Ready to really mean, "Goodbye cruel world." And be engulfed in whatever you percieve as to what happens after we are dead, I'll send ya a post card!

~ Ahh... You know who this is from...

[eddie z.]

lurkings,
Are you there? I hope you told Candy how you were feeling! I hate this computer business. I worry about people so much. I just saw your post this morning. Are you any better? I wish there were something I could do to help.

I'm an INFP also. I know what that stands for, but I don't really know what it means. It must come with the territory, if you know what I mean. I guess we are IN PART defined by the troubles we've encountered.

Well, I think I'm going to try to go back to sleep for a bit. I woke up from a nightmare just after four, but now I'm tired again. Thinking about you, dear!
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Actually I e-mailed that post to her a long with a long e-mail about how I was feeling and stuff. It was a hard hard session. There wasn't much talking and I "checked out"- dissociated... She wouldn't let me leave, and she kept asking, "Do you want me to call someone? Is that what you want me to do?" It was bad. I got really dizzy and thought I was going to throw up, I also started to shake. Then she wrapped her arms around me and said, "You don't have anyone to do this do you?" I don't. But I couldn't talk so she would ask me questions and I would right a response...

It was just difficult. So before I could leave I had to promis to the best of my abilities that I wouldn't kill myself and that if I felt that bad again or thought I was going to do it I would call her first.

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I had to get off so now I am finishing.

So she kept asking me questions about these pills and the knife. Just about a lot of things... Like I said I dissociated... It was so wierd because I didn't realize it at first but apparently I got really stiff and I was looking away from her. I remember a fire place, a green chair and a house next door that had bad people in it. Between the window and the house was this fence and I kept seeing a lion face on this fence. Then it was over, but it was like 15 minutes or so. But there is no fire place, the chairs are white and I don't know why I think the house is bad. I didn't talk about it though.

She also kept asking me about a plan. I don't know what consitutes a plan because any time you think about suicide you have an idea of how to do it and where and everything... So is that considered a plan? And what happens if you have one? Do they report that? I just don't know the rules and that is scary!

What is going on with your dream? What kind of a nighmare was it? I am glad you were able to go back to sleep!!!

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

I woke up from nightmares 3 separate times yesterday morning and once again this morning!

They were all different, though, and only one of the four was a "using" dream, although another also involved pills. That was a work nightmare, though. I was checking prescriptions and the pills were all mixed up in the bottles. I know you're probably laughing, but to a pharmacist that IS a nightmare!

:sleeping: well and call the doctor tomorrow! (I know, I know, I'm repeating myself.)

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I am so sorry you are going through this rough stuff! I feel for you!

I had the same dream at one point in my life every night for two months. I would wake up because I was holding my breath, I broke my bed from punching it and I never went back to sleep. Once, I found out what the dreams meant the dreams subsided because I was able to deal with them on a daily bases...

Actually the pill thing would frustrate me to no end... I think, in my humble opinion, your subconcious is starting to sort out your feelings on loosing your job, what you went through and your past. You haven't been at peace with it, "I am depressed because I can't work and can't work because I am depressed." Remember? This is taking a toll on you. You liked your job. It might be helpful if you find something as constructive as your job was. Something that is every day even if it is for a few hours. See if there is something you can do at the library or something... Volunteer at a hotline... Whatever is pleasing to you. But really, for you, I think it might be beneficial for you to do something volunteer wise for someone else because you care for people so much. Look at the paper because I know last week in our here the was a add for volunteers to help with transporting people to the Doctors...

Just think about it. You are an awesome person. I feel for you haveing these dreams. It must really be hard on you.

Yes, yes... I will call the doctor this AM okay mom? Just kidding!

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

Hey, lurkings!
Sorry I've been gone so long. How are you doing? How was your weekend? I hope you had some time for yourself this time.

Those were some great ideas you had in your last post. The not working really is getting to me pretty bad. I tried to volunteer at the free pharmacy, but they never called me. Someone else had suggested that hotline idea, so I think I might get my name on the list for the NA phoneline at least.

�Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I am doing a little better. I think I have finally balanced out. I need to talk to Candy, I don't want to feel that bad anymore. Like I said the last session was really bad. We have been talking a lot in e-mail. I have asked her a ton of questions so I think that some of this will be cleared up tomorrow. I haven't told her about this other memory yet. I think some of it might be some of what was contributing to last week because it never actually went away I just have always hide from it.

I am getting glasses... This week I think. Maybe my headaches will get better. My right eye is weaker than the other so I am getting prisms in my glasses and the left eye went from being nearsighted to farsighted. I am axious to get them because it will help me see better.

Well, I hope that you can find something you can get involved in. You are so cool!

~Lurkings

[lurkings]

Therapy today went okay. We talked a little bit about anger, new jobs and why sometimes the room appears different to me.

The best thing was that Candy held me the whole time. She even just let me sit with her for a while after the session and then had a great big hug... It was wonderful and comforting... I feel better, just tired now... I think I need to take a little bit of a nap...

[eddie z.]

lurkings,
Glad things are going better for you this week! I'm still sleeping an awful lot, but that's not an option this afternoon. I have to take my mom to Charlotte. Speaking of which, I actually have to go get ready. I'll catch up more with you later.
Love, Eddie