Yikes!

[eddie z.]

lurkings,
I haven't been getting up until about ten lately, like today. I'm going to the YW with my mom at one. I'm supposed to fit in tanning and a cardio workout before I go to my sponsor's at six. Actually, I haven't talked to my sponsor in a few days, so I'm not sure that's still on. What are you up to?
Love,
Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I have just worked today. Caught up on a lot of homework as well as works work. Only two more weeks until I am done for the summer. So my day of rest has been a day of ketch-up.

Candy isn't going to be "happy" with my Tuesday. I haven't written in my journal, haven't e-mailed her, haven't drawn or anything. I have just been way too busy. Last time I got an lecture about how important it is... LOL... Oh well. I guess I will just have to hear about it.

How has your day gone? Did you still end up having a meeting with your sponsor? Did it go well?

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

Girl, you DO need to relax! I did meet with my sponsor and the Stepwork didn't take long, so we had a nice little chat. And I did get in the tanning as well as both my weight and cardio workouts. But then I just vegged again. No, that's not true. I did look at a section of a book that talks about what I can do about my ADD. Didn't seem very helpful, though.

Did I understand you right? You worked yesterday? I didn't think you worked Sundays. Anyway, I hope things are going OK today. Maybe you can get in some journaling or something before you see Candy tomorrow.

Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I don't want to journal or see Candy. I just feel so busy. I don't want to do anything. I haven't been doing well today. Actually I don't even want to talk about it. I should just be able to do it myself for once ya know? I think I lean on people too much.

Sundays I don't get paid for the work that I do... Just anything I need to get caught up on... But overall it was a kind of work day ya know?

Well, today was just work and school pretty much... A fairly normal day. How about you? I am glad your meeting with your sponsor went well, and that you got all your workouts in. I wish I was deciplined enough to do all that working out. Maybe I should start again in the summer, do some kind of program...

Talk to you later!

~Erin

[eddie z.]

Why should you be able to it yourself? I don't think you lean on people ENOUGH! You're so much like I was�so independent, self-reliant. We NEED help. We need other people. It's so much better for me when I ask for the help I need. Hope you think about this. You're too hard on yourself, I say again.
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
You an Candy! You guys keep harping on that. She even said it today. I feel bad asking for help because it can incovience someone else, I don't want to do that to someone.

Today was kind of a blah session. I started to cry. I was glad that I had my hat so she couldn't see my face. I didn't talk about anything. She made me feel good telling me it is a safe place and that she wouldn't judge me. Also that she wouldn't "punish" me or that I would get in trouble. It was good to hear her say that. It was good to hear her say that she wished she could make me feel better. It really helped me. I think it was good to say no to things that I didn't want to talk about too because it helped me feel like what I say is important. It isn't that I don't want to talk it is that I don't want to say it. I'd rather write it down it would make it easier. But that is hard to do when there is nothing to write on. Hmmm....

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

I know what you mean about not wanting to say things out loud! I can write just about anything, but talking about it is a whole nother story. Even certain words just give me the creeps.

I'm sorry you had a rough session yesterday, but it sounds like you're continuing to develop a really good relationship with your therapist. And maybe you could journal about those things you don't want to say.

Don't worry about "inconveniencing" people. I know it helps ME to help someone else. Think about how you like to do things for other people. Well, others are usually happy to return the favor. It makes them feel good to think they have something to offer. Know what I mean?

Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Yeah, I guess you are right. I don't know what it is...

My session was kind of rough but there are some great things that came out of it. I think your right we are really developing a good bond. That is nice because I don't have a bond like that with anyone else.

How is it going with you?

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

lurkings,
I still just kind of barely dragging along. I've stayed in every night since last Wednesday and watched videos. And I've been sleeping alot. At least I'm getting my exercise and tanning in. What I really need is a job but I really don't know what to do about getting one. I'm not feeling very employable right now. Too depressed. I'm thinking about going for a run here in a little bit. Maybe that would help.

I notice it took you 2 or 3 days to "recover" from your visit. How's it going with you today?
Love,
Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Well, its it getting better I guess. I still have not heard from Candy, I e-mailed her to clarify something. If she has had a chance to read it I am very surprised I have not heard anything back... I'm afraid one of these days she is going to have me committed. It might not be a bad thing at this point. I've done a lot of thinking and I Candy is going to help me change jobs and stuff. She is trying to get me to see that I am important too... She keeps telling me I need to do some thing for myself bt everytime I do I just feel bad about it. I can't help it. Like tonight I am staying at my sisters and I just feel horrible about it I don't know how I can make these feelings subside. I have been so extremly anxious that I constantly feel like I am going to throw up and sleeping hasn't been much of a help either. I guess I am kind of feeling like you are but just haven't been ready to talk about it. Things have just been difficult. I wrote Candy about suicide and hurting myself, I have actually been doing a lot about that. Like I said with the cats and stuff. But I have also left bruises on my forearms form hitting myself with sticks and things. I don't have a suicide plan but it hasn't been far from my mind... Well, actually I do kind of have a plan but I am not going to tell Candy that because she has to report it... But I am not on the edge or anything. I can say that because a lot of these thoughts are coming from my past suicide days... So... Yes, it is taking me a long time to recover.

Excersis it a good way to build those endorphins in your brain. Good for you. I bet you are skinny huh? I am far away from skinny. I am a chubby girl but a lot of muscle. I wish I could see a current picture of you, these younger day pictures are hard to tell. You're cool to talk to and a great friend... Do what you have got to do for yourself, I read another post where you were talking about your hard times. I suddenly felt amazingly guilty for talking to you, I just want you to be healthy and happy. Yes, I know I am wierd but I wish I could do more for you!

~Lurkings

[Juls]

Lurkings,

Changing our negative thinking can be a very difficult process, but we have to keep working at it. I know sometimes for me I just get tired of trying so hard to boost my self-esteem and all the rest. But I also know that just slipping into a funk doesn't do any good either. I'm sorry to hear that when you try to do something good for yourself it makes you feel bad, and I hope that at some point you will be able to feel the goodness that is you. Writing and talking about it is good because it gets it outside yourself. I'm glad you have a good therapist, but I can understand your concern to talk about suicidal feelings. When I was in therapy I felt the same way, because I didn't want my therapist to have to notify the authorities and then have me committed. I wasn't so concerned about being on a psychiatric ward, I've been there before, but I was more worried about my son, and whether or not he would be taken away from me. However if you are that close to it, being committed may be the thing to save you.

Juls

[eddie z.]

lurkings,
No guilt! I forbid it. You do plenty for me without even knowing it. And I truly appreciate it. I'm sorry you're having a tough time.

I am definitely not skinny. I quit drinking but I still have my gut! But I DID go jogging today. You couldn't call it running, but it was more than walking. Now I'm gonna go veg some more.

Keep hanging on!
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Juls~
I am terrified for everything that might come out of me going some place like that. First it seems like a punishment because of how much people really look down on that. Second I could potentially loose a lot like my job and stuff.

Yes, I really like Candy. I think she is good for me. I could possible talk to her without mentioning some things so that I could feel her out but I know it isn't that she would want to call but that she would HAVE to call... I mean it is a big deal.

I know talking about it and stuff is good but I worry about burdening people here with constantly talking about my issues when I might be able to help them with theirs. I don't think it is a bad thing to want to take a back seat to someone else. It is where I am comfortable.

Today I took my niece surfing for a few hours and I just felt horrible the whole time. I feel like I have been suspended in time. I am 21... I look like an adult but I feel about 13. I feel trapped in this disgusing skin. I hate it. It isn't like I need to loose a lot of wieght or anything I just feel like I should look and be a lot different than what I am. I don't feel like I can accomplish anything... I just feel like a kid. I feel like my niece has a higher maturity level than me. I am definitly smart. There is no doubt about that, just the way I ketch on to things and learn quick. A lot of times I say things WAY over her head. I say things way over my co-workers. The next one closes to my age at work is 33 I think. So where am I?

~Eddie~
A lot of people say I help them. I don't see how it is possible when I can hardly help myself. I don't know what it is. I am glad though that I have helped you.

When Court and I were at the beach this morning, I did something a little different. I ran. I HATE RUNNING but today it just felt good and I was running fast and I felt light as a feather. Another thing I did was, I was wearing my spring suit (A short sleeved and shorts wet suit) and I just laid in the water floating. I actually didn't do it on purpose... I kind of disociated but it was. I dissociate a lot, I don't know what to do about it. I just leave this world.

~Lurkings

[Juls]

Lurkings,

It sounds like you never really got to have a childhood. I didn't either, and I've learned ways to indulge that innder child without feeling bad about it. when you hear that negative voice coming into your head telling you to feel back, tell it "shut up" and leave you alone.

Juls

[eddie z.]

They say people who've been abused do get stuck at the age when they were abused. I'm not quite sure what that means, but if that's true, then I'm about three. And it's about time I had a happy childhood! But it's also time for me to grow up. I find it all very confusing. I guess like so many things, it's a matter of balance. I have to find that balance between nurturing my inner child and being a responsible adult. Sigh...

Really running is great. And just floating is good, too. I love being in water. But Friday I just kind of plodded rather than ran and I was so sore yesterday! Actually, I'm still sore today. I'm just not used to jogging; it's been so long. But I think I might try again today or tomorrow. This time I'll stretch out more afterwards for sure. Hope you're both having a great day!

Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Juls~
I guess I didn't... Never really put much thought into it. That makes sense, we did talk about it but did combine that to the conversation. Does it get better? Does that child grow up?

~Eddie~
Yes, I agree it is hard to find the balance.

I think my meds to work. Yesterday I forgot to take them and although I did fine when I took it today I just realized how much better I am doing today... Like more clear.

I did a lot yesterday! I went to the beach, went to a baby shower and jumped on the trampoline, swam and played v-ball in and out of the pool. Then I baby sat from 7 to 2 am. I am a little sore today. But I felt wierd a little bit and today, since I remembered my meds I am doing better clear thinking... I still feel dumpy though ya know?

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

lurkings,
Sounds like you had a great Saturday! Did you surf any? I know what you mean about being sore, though. It's Monday morning and I'm still sore from jogging on Friday. Sorry you're still feeling dumpy, but I know what you mean there, too, although last night I seemed to be feeling somewhat cheerful, believe it or not.

I'm supposedly "graduating" from my AfterCare group today. I don't know what I think about that. I've been going weekly for a year! And I have to leave early today for my shrink visit. It's been my only consistent activity for so long. Hmmm...

In addition to my AfterCare group and pyschiatrist appointment this morning, my husband will be joining me with my therapist this afternoon! What a day! I hope with all this therapy activity I can figure out what to do with myself.

Have a great week!!
Love,
Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I surfed a little but not much. The surf wasn't good.

You've got a lot of change going on today... I hope it goes well... Fill me in okay?

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

A lot of change is right! I graduated from AfterCare, but they told me I could keep coming if I want to. I don't know what I think about that. Then my doctor decided to switch off one of my meds, so I started Straterra for ADD and I'm supposed to taper off my Wellbutrin. Then my therapist talked to my husband alone about me for over half the session! They also got me to agree to go to a 12-Step meeting every day for the next two weeks. So I am being kicked in the butt, huh?

That's my update. Do you see Candy today? I think it's your update turn. teehee. Hope you're feeling better!
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Yes, I see her today. I hardle ever really want to go because it is hard but I also always go anyways. I just never feel like talking. I just wish I could do ESP and not have to worry about it.

Honestly I don't think I could have handled everything you went through today. I got upset just reading it. I just can't deal with a lot of that all at once. I couldn't even schedule it to one thing a day because it would be too close together to deal with all of that. Sad huh?

Yeah, I'll give you a update after our session...

Talk to you later!

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

No, it's not sad at all. I think your sessions are way more intense than mine are and you need time to recuperate.

Now I need to try to get some sleep!
Later,
Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Well... We've been talking about finding a new job and stuff for a few weeks. So next week we are going to work on it. We talked about me feeling like a little kid and she says it goes back to me not having a voice when I little so it is hard for me to have one now. She wants me to start saying no to things I don't want to do that I don't have to do and doing more things for myself that are good. Doing it for me and not feeling guilty. She said it will be hard but it will get better. She also wants me to find some sort of security... She wants me to find something that I can associate security with whether it be a blanket or a bear or something of that nature that I can bring so sessions to feel secure and secure at home. She told me of this lady that is older than me that brings a big huge teddy bear to sessions. I'll have to really spend sometime thinking about it.

She also gave me homework... To journal about a type of job I want, why I won't tell her what I want to do and what is something I could find security in... I don't want to tell her what I want to do because I feel like a hyppocrite (sp?)... We have already talked about it here... She doesn't want me to tell her just why I don't. I think she is making journaling assignments because I haven't been journaling for about two or three weeks.

Then we talked about other things and stuff... I can't remember off the top of my head.

Yuck... I have a headache now... Oh, we talked about hurting myself and why it would be okay to talk there versus what I have learned against talking. And about it being safe there and things...

Are you doing better today?

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

That does sound intense! If I could, I'd let you borrow my bunny. He's very soothing. Yesterday was a good day. I am doing better, I think. We'll have to see how today goes, though. Hope you have a good one!
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I remembered something else we talked about but then I forgot! I am getting a little concerned though because when I recall back to the room we were in she is sitting differently than where she really sits. Like she sits next to me on the couch but everytime I look back she is sitting in the chair across from me. I wonder what that is about.

Thanks for the offer for the bunny! I appreciate it! I don't know what I am going to bring. I think it might be my blanket. I woke up holding it tightly today. So... I have always been a blanket baby too!

I hope today goes GREAT for you! You deserve it!

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

You're welcome!
Today hasn't been too great. I spent a lot of time in bed. I think my husband may be right that I'm wasting a lot of time with my mom. I went for a walk with her but I didn't go tan or do anything else I needed to do for me. BUT! I haven't had a cigarette in over 36 hours, so that's one good thing.
How was your day?
Love,
Eddie