Yikes!

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I am here! Are you having a good day?

As you know my lexapro was increased to 20 mgs... No side effects yet, ofcourse I did just start it today...

My day is going good. I got to see my friends at school. They always tell me that I tell good stories and that they are going to start bringing popcorn in and just listen to me. I though that was cool.

The way we have to sit in the room two of my friends sit behind me and I sit next to one. I feel bad for the one I sit next to though... She looks like she doesn't take showers very often... She is my age taller and way heavier. I am heavy but I can also squat three hundred pounds... She is just very insecure and I always feel bad for her.

I like my little group though. Two girls are German. They are so funny. They were trying to teach me how to speak it and it sounded like I was going to spit up a hairball. I like learning about their culture and stuff. They aren't as modest as Americans. The other thing I like about my group is we are all pretty much intraverts. Well, I dont think the girl who sits next to me is... (Holly). She is very loud all the time.

Guess what I did today though... I talked out in class!!! I PARTICIPATED! You couldn't have gotten me to say two words a few weeks ago. Ofcourse the subject matter is something that I have been through in other classes so I knew the answers to some but it was a big step for me. I even said it loud enough for her to hear me. The first time I had her I said one word in class... "No". I said it so soft that she didn't know who said it and she could barely hear it. Even at the begining of the semester (this the third time I have had this teacher) we had to say our names and stuff to the whole class and I said and she had to stand next to me and repeat what I said to everyone else. I am so happy. I have a voice some place in this body of mine.

Well, I have an hour before me break is over. I think I am going to go climb a tree. I hope I don't fall!

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

:spectacle

^So I can listen to your stories! That bit about the hairball was hilarious. Right now I'm listening to a German punk band, Die Toten Hosen, but the songs are all covers of English songs so no hairballs.

Congrats on speaking up in class!! I was always just the opposite in school. Sat in the front and asked and answered questions all the time.

Gonna watch a movie w/ the husband now. Have a good night!
Love, Eddie

[Anniemsb]

:kisshug: (gretel)

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Yeah, I was proud. I am sitting in the front this semester... There were no seats in the back! LOL

I am very fidgety... I notice the teacher look at me a lot because soemtimes I just get my whole body moving cause I have a hard time sitting still... One day she was in the middle of something and she looks over at me and I was off in outer space my feet were moving all over and my hands. Then she turns to the class and says, "Someone is burning some calories." When I heard that (because I wasn't really listening) I started looking around and people were looking at me. I didn't even realize that I was moving all over the place.

People like you Eddie use to get on my nerves. Because I am the oposite, I would be thinking, "Stop asking questions and we can leave sooner." It is funny how everyone is different. But go you for doing it because I am sure you would have ended up asking questions I was interested in but too afraid to ask myself because I am such a chicken... But watch out I coming up to your part of the room now!

~Lurkings

[lurkings]

~ANNIE!!!~
I had to think about it for a long time but I know you now! I looked up all your posts and saw the my story one!! I know you now! Hey how are you? I chat more here than the other place. This place feels a lot more welcoming and open than the other one and I actually get replies from my posts and have never been yelled at for me content with happens a lot in the other place.

I have a lot of cool friends ~EDDIE, Dotcom, Juls~ here but the ONLY reason I was still going to the other place was because you were there.

I hope you still chat with me here because I am here mostly. Have a great day and thinks for sticking your head in.

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

lurkings,

What other place? Do you have a secret life off this thread? lol. As if I didn't know.

People like me used to get on my nerves, too. lol. I always thought a lot of the other people who sat up front asked stupid questions, and, of course, mine were always worthwhile! teehee. Just my superior grandiose streak coming out.

Are you sure you don't have ADHD? teehee. That's what all that fidgetiness sounds like.

Well, I gotta go "talk" to Brent. "See" you later.
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Yes, I have another life... You caught me! lol... it was this place called bien.com/trauma but I never really fit in. I talked to Annie and someone named ghostchild and that was it. I also was making people mad by being hinset and sharing my feelings and I recently put a poem on there and had one person reply and it just doesn't seem worth it. The only reason I even poked my head in was because Annie was there.

I e-mail a lot of my questions to my teacher because I alywas think mine are stupid.

I don't know. I just get bored. Especially when it is something repeditive. Sometimes I do it I think to keep from blanking out of class. I have always been a hands on learner and it doesn't take me a lot to pick up on a lot of things in class. So I just get bored easily.

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

lurkings,
I'm SURE your questions are not stupid!
I have a hard time getting things from listening, too. I need visuals at least, and hands-on, like you said, is best. I tend to space out more than fidget during lectures, though. My mind just wanders unless I have something to look at or play with.
�Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I use to bring in playdough to play with in my hands but it didn't work as well. I don't realize I am moving around a lot of the time... But then someone touches me and tells me to slow down... That is when I realize it...

How are you doing today? I keep waking up at 4:30am grrr... Candy says it has to do with trauma I have benn through... All I know is I want it to stop...

Have a good day!
~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

lurkings,
Sorry about that early morning waking! I'm just the opposite. I have trouble falling asleep so I tend to sleep late.

Try Silly Putty! But don't let it get air bubbles 'cause they pop & it's very distracting.

�Eddie

[dotcom]

Lurkings,

Geez, I have had some fidgeting problems in class. Mostly due to cravings though. In high school, I used to use after each class, so I got the feeling in my tummy, sweats, and fidgetiness. I still get that way sometimes! And it's like, so what am I looking forward to?! Driving home?! LOL. With time I have persuaded myself that I never will use again so I might as well chill out in class. It works sometimes. I like the playdough idea! Hope you get some more rest. 4:30 is so early! Have you tried listening to some music once you wake up? It sort of puts me back into sleep mode. Classical especially!

Ed,

How are you? Hope you are well!

Rock on both of you!

Dotcom

[eddie z.]

Thanks, dot! I'm just dragging along patiently waiting and hoping for things to get better. But I'm glad you're back.
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I had a good meeting. She even carried it ten minutes longer to jut chat. It was good. She said I was less anxious and I was talking more. It helps for her to ask questions, it makes it easier for me to talk and she asked a lot of questions. She is trying to get me to loose "control" a little bit and more fun. She said I don't do enough for myself. She also asked me how I would feel if I asked the DR for something to help me sleep but I don't want anything.

We spent a lot of time talking about my brother and his effect on me and I don't remember a whole lot. I am sure it will come back with time. And some time talking about other little things.

Candy is so cool and I felt so comfortable with her today. I just kind of snuggled up with her and just let things flow ya know? I didn't put a lot of pressure on it. She says I put too much pressure on things and take things too seriously. She wants me to keep talking and sharing with her and things and that was really cool to hear.

I keep hearing her say that she gives me permission with things. I think that is interesting because I haven't ever had that before and it has never been okay. She encourages me to do things my parents and people never did.

This whole process today has been interesting...

Thanks for letting me share!

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

Thanks for sharing!! That IS cool. I'm so glad you have Candy. I go see my therapist tomorrow morning myself. Trying to get back on schedule after missing a whole month.

The increased Zoloft seems to be helping. Did I tell you that already? Well, I've got to go run some errands now. I talk to you later.

Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I am glad the increase is helping! Go you!

I hope you have a great appointment today!

I also feel lucky to have Candy. She is just awesome. She said yesterday, "Atleast I got to see you smile." I guess I am even very serious there huh? Things are really coming together. I am less anxious about thinking about a little bit of the trauma when I was little. My brothers is still alittle hard but we have moved up I think. It is tons and tons of questions and some are hard. It has taken me a long time to really trust her but I think I am finally there.

I also feel extremly lucky to have all of you here. (Especially you) Because I talk to you most I guess! You are so cool. I feel extremly privaledged! (spelling?!?!?) You are awesome.

Well, like I said, have a great appointment today! Tell me ALL about it!

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

Thanks, lurkings!!
I had a very good session, too. We talked about how talking to people without my being under the influence is a new skill for me. And she wants my husband to come to my next session. And she wants us to start working on the ADD "prescriptions" from the book Change Your Brain: Change Your Life.

We talked about how my perfectionism gets in my way, even in my social interactions, and how I've been told to "let down my walls." I think she wants me to practice listening to what people talk about and make more of an effort to join in, just with small talk for now.

Glad you are starting to smile!
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Good! Sounds great! Good for you.

I was remembering what Candy said about me taking things too seriously... And she is right. Today I was going to class am my muscles while I was driving were so tense I had to conciously try and relax. I would tense right up! Then I remembered last week when I made a 22 minute drive into 12 minutes. I really do have a mission when I do things. I'll have to journal about it. It is so interesting.

I hope tomorrow is good for you!!

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

lurkings,
If Candy thinks you ALWAYS take things too seriously, then you should tell her about what you did on April Fool's Day!!
Love, Eddie

P.S. Sorry so brief. Gotta go tan!

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I didn't think about that but you are probable right! Yeah, April fools was funny!

How was your dat today?

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

lurkings,
My day yesterday was pretty good. I tanned and worked out and helped with a computer class at the public library which was fun. But I spent the whole evening vegging out watching movies. I didn't go to a meeting or call anyone or anything. Bad Eddie! As usual, I "just didn't feel like" doing anything. Maybe the Zoloft isn't helping like I thought. I just don't know. Still very frustrated.

Have a good day!
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Like you say, just give it sometime. It is new, you aren't happy about it and you have some new things going on! There is nothing bad about just vegging... I baby sat last night and the little boy watched two full movies and fell asleep during his third while I was rubbing his head. It is okay to just relax... Candy says I need to do more of that... Maybe I should take lessons from you!

Have a great day!
~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

OOH! Did you get to watch kids' movies? What did you watch? You must be really good with the kiddies. I love kids, but I don't have alot of experience with them, so I always get nervous around them.

Well, I stayed in again last night and I'm staying in again tonight. I did go to an NA business meeting yesterday evening and a big NA picnic today, so I have had contact with people, so I don't feel too bad about it.

What and how are you doing this weekend?
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
I don't know what the first movie was but the second was Balto and the third was Shrek. I like kids. I have baby say him since we was six months old. Now he will be three next month. He is a good kid over all. We played on the trampoline and we played in the lake behind his house in between watching movies and eating dinner. I cleaned him up and he curled up with me and his blanket while Shrek was on... I layed on couch and crashed out myself. When his mom got home is was about 12:30. So I drove hom and went to bed...

Today I have been sick so I rented some movies but there has been good ones on TV. Carreer Opportunities, Bring it on and Big Daddy and I am almost done watching the second Harry Potter movies. Now I am going to bed. Tomorrow we are having a lunch thing in my Sunday School class. I am making Mexican Black bean and rice. I LOVE Mexican food... My dad says he wants to have a blood test, he doesn't think I am his LOL!

I have been so busy, I need to go to work to relax ya know?

I am happy tp hear you got out some today! Good for you! See ya are so awesome, you shouldn't feel bad about staying home. If you are like me those kind of functions take a lot out of you. They wear me out!

Oh, I got a nother piercing in my top ear next to the other. My co-worker did it for me. It hurt a lot more than the other. I think, I am afraid, that I am using some things instead of cutting but I get the same sort of high feeling. Like when I get my cat mad so he will scratch me, that way I can say that I didn't cut. I need to be more aware!

~Lurkings

[eddie z.]

Yeah, I pierced my ears when I was about 13 and I think, looking back, that it was some of my earliest self-harm behavior, so, yes, it can take many forms. Do stay aware!

Hope you feel better tomorrow! Sleep well!
Love, Eddie

[lurkings]

~Eddie~
Hey you!

How is your day going? What are you going to do today?

~Lurkings