Fear of the depression....

[2stop]

As I am preparing to fully withdraw from opiates again, I am having big fears of the depression that hits so hard during detox, I am doing this at home, but am setting a plan, I have someone to call, I am going to do online meetings until the worst of the withdrawals are over, even went last to the one here, though I was shaking and so sick. I am being more conscious of what I eat, increasing my water and fluids, and have 2 boxes of green tea on the counter to sip at thru out the day. I will fully tapered off in a couple days. I am preparing myself for the mental part, the depression, like Juls always tells me it's the fear of the anxiety, the fear of the depression that really rocks our world with this. So I am paying particular attention to my feelings of fear, and will call someone, or post here with these fears so as to get them out of my head and done with sooner, than later.
After seeeing my dad yesterday in the hospital and what his addiction has done to him, I really stepped back and said Tammie...YOU HAVE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE...STOP TRYING TO SAVE HIM>>>AND SAVE YOURSELF. It is very very difficult for me to detach from my parents and the feeling i need to save them, but it is what I am going to do...I have to. It did something to my heart, seeing him lay there, asking the nurse over and over did the morphine really go in, asking for more for his headache, the nurse said they will treat his headache with Tylenol, and he was pissed, I think they are getting alerted to the fact he is drug seeking, overdosing on your insulin all the time will take a toll on your heart, he said they may put in a pacemaker...but I would have to speak with his doctor to really know, he says lots of things that are not true. He is never happier than being in a hospoital setting, from the Veterans hospitals to the local, he bounces back and forth. His poor wife is comcerned and scared, telling me he isbecoming more aggressive with road rage, brutal with his mouth at home, yelling screaming...she said Tammie, he is like a street junkie searching for his fix, she is very timid an dshy and had aterribly abusive previous marriage, my heart aches for her, she wouldn't talk much when I first met her, but now she speaks right up, the neighbor lady she has never seen her talk as much as she does now(Me bought my dad's old house) so they known her for 10 years. I fel good that I have been able to help her feel more open and trusting of people, but I hate seeing what she is going through with my dad. We don't know if we should at least speak with his doctors, I know I have to save myself, but what should I do reharding speaking to his doctor? His wife would be quite fearful and timid of speaking to a doctor....and I don't mind helping...but how much should I help? Should I completely back off, supporting her with friendship and kindess? my dad says she wants to think of me as her daughter! Bless her, no one has ever encouraged her, never helped her feel accepted......and now my dad acting like this..He became angry that we had to leave yesterday, the nurse said to him you are on a critical unit, not here to chat, he asked for more morphine, I think he is faking the chest pains, he has done this before...I don't know, I am just torn, my grandma has been moved to a care home, they say she has lost her mind, stroke, and dementia....We weren't able to get to see her yesterday and I feel so guilty I cannot just drive 30 minures away and sit with her. I know I have to be "selfish" and take care of myself, but how much do I back off from being supportive? It is only narural to care and want to comfort the suffering you know?
Sorry for the long post, trying to really overcome and get back in charge of MY life, having issues with boundaries. Thanks for loving me where I am my friends, I love you all so much.

:yellowros

[liveweyerd]

offering you the prayer of serenity, tammie

[2stop]

Thank you Live. ***Hugs***

[dotcom]

hi tammie2stop

i will be praying for your dad and gramma. so tough to see people in the hospital. sending hugs and prayers.

although my doc was not an opiate, i know about the depression and anxiety and crazy insane thoughts. good thing that you know what to look forward to. that way you can prepare yourself for the insanity, maybe even rationalize with yourself and say, i know this is my disease talking. i feel almost that the emotional and mental withdrawls are worse than the physical. i look back and think that, but i know in my heart they are both equally as bad. except the mental stuff sticks around longer and is always trying to confuse us. like i said, youll be in my prayers.

someone said to me, i think it was jon...your alright, you just dont know it yet. i hope that helps. it helped me.

well, take good care of you tammie. keep us posted.

the dotster

[2stop]

Thanks dotster, I think that is so true..we are alright, we just don't know it yet. I have had my battles with crystal meth. It's hard, but I always went to the opiates, gave me the energy and pain relief...and I have relied on it way too much, way too long....I am sitting here thinking about many things....true surrendering, boundaries, pain, fear...I looked across the street, where in the basement I did cocaine, it makes me feel...sad with myself...like when will I really get it? But I know when I will "get it" When I want it bad enough to DO EVERYTHING IT TAKES to get it.....thanks dotster, you are in my thoughts and prayers also...take good care of you, ya hear? You're a great inspiration and we love ya!***hugs***

[Lilya]

Tammie, ma belle,

We are both in this together. I´m practically camping at my Dad´s hospital. The stress is taking more toll, and with my daywork, meetings, new projects and SOS hotlines I´m exhausted. Not to mention my new exercise schedule.


I think we both share the same tendence to take on a bit too much and maybe we should both slow a tiny bit down. Sounds like your Dad is going through a very difficult phase, to say the least, and so is mine. He is sometimes like a crazy person. At first I was like a sponge, taking on my Dad´s problems, because he´s my favorite and I love him very much, but then I decided to put all that craziness into the hands of my Higher Power. I just cannot take on more. It will affect my own recovery. I spoke to a therapist about it and I will make the commitment of seeing her once a week.

How about it? Depression also strikes when we are overwhelmed and take on too much.

As for your new way of life, I supporte you 100%!

Love and light,

Use adversity

[2stop]

Oh Lilya, you really do have your plate full...bless you. Yes, I am taking inventory of what I can take on, and what I cannot. I WILL get thru this withdrawal, and with the grace and mercy of my HP, I will NEVER detox again, maybe I had to go through this again, to see what a truly progressive disease addiction is, and how I MUST be more vigilant. I don't know if I can bear the same withdrawal I had last May, but my angels were with me then, and I am sure they won't desert me this time, the depression and suicidal thoughts and PAIN just make me very sad with myself, and wanting to help my dad, yet knowing HE must decide for himself if he wants freedom or not. It's also wearing on me that my mom inferred she has breast cancer...but I WILL learn to detach and get my life in order, I have to. I have two children, a husband....I love my family more than anything on this earth....and as for treating the chronic pain, I am thinking about acupuncture...do you know much about the effectiveness of this Lilya? or anyone? The other night I was on the floor in so much pain afraid to scream and my family hear me......I am on a waiting list for state assisted medical coverage where I will pay a small amount and have some coverage. Between the pain from withdrawal, and the physical pain I am truly scared, as anyone would be, but I have also been praying really hard, asking God's will for a miracle...I DO believe in miracles, I just get so caught up in taking on too much, or neglecting my recovery, and I get lost and forget my faith, I forget all I have endured through and overcome, I must focus on what I have done, what I will do, and that I AM worthy of peace and happiness...and freedom. Anyways, I am rambling on, trying to keep busy. Been getting the house cleaned and other little things done so while I am detoxing it will be smoother.......I am trying to make a plan, write it down and stick to it......action, that is my "magic" fix, I have to take ACTION.......

Take good care of you Lilya......you must be extremely stressed. I so feel for you. Hugs and prayers, and love and light across the sea....

Thanks for your encouragement, all of you. I love you.

[12 Step Girl]

(((((((((Tammie)))))))))))))

Girl, you Rock! (in the words of dotcom).

You know im a people addict, not chemical, but I totally relate to the fear and depression. You know what they say about our "greatest" fears,,,the usually dont come true. They are just fantasies that screw and brew in our head. Its the dern disease trying one last thing to hinder our recovery.

Ha,,,fine, then, let that turd of a disease try to have a last laugh with us LOL,,,youve got big battallion of armor on your side,,his name his HP! HMMP! Wait til the disease tries to do battle with THAT entity.

Find HP, ask him tosit with you on your shoulder while you go thru the WD...he will, ya know. He comes thru via phone calls from loving friends, messages on this board, the sweet bird that may sit on your window sill just when you feel down.

I asked God to restore me to sanity today while going thru some shoddy resentments, then went on a bike ride,,and dont ya know, when i came home, got a call from a sponsee who is going thru some tought doodie now, and shared some ES and H with her, and feel much better. God answers,,,,we must listen.

So,,,,tonight Im going to the funeral wake for the 8 yr old son of another sponsee. My sponsor told me that when I go, to take God with me! What he was saying is,,,,Your going to be of service to your sponsee, to give her stregth, love and support. So remember,,,take MY god with me, so he will give me the same.

You can do it, babe, keep your feet in just today,,,and u will be ok!

Love you,,keep posting so we can be there for you. We may be the voice of your HP!!

[2stop]

(((((Christina))))) I think YOU rock my friend, I felt such power in your post...thank you!! So much...all of you have been so good to me. Some days I cry...so relieved that someone loves me where I am and for who I am, and sees my potential, and encourages me to go after it. instead of just expecting me "to get it" So sorry about the funeral for the 8 yr old, my gosh.....I am positive you will be a blessing! They are very lucky indeed to have a friend like you, as we are very blessed too, to have you with us. You have a great energy about you, I think you're awesome!!
****Big Hugs of Gratitude****
:redrose :throb :bluerose

I send my prayers and condolences to the family of the little boy...

[Juls]

Tammie, and Lilya, you both do give too much, and I definitely think if you could pull back some and take more time for yourselves it would be healthier for you.

Tammi, are you cold-turkey detoxing. What were you taking and how much hon?

Accupuncture definitely helps for withdrawals. I have used accupuncture on more than once occassion to help me detox. You have to call and ask them if they treat for that, but be careful, and make sure they really do. Also, if you explain that you do not have much money, but really need the help, my experience has been that I was given a price break.

Yes you can do this, and you will feel bad for several days. If your having chronic pain though, you have to find a way to address that. Accupuncture can help for that too. One of the reasons I kept using was because I had a chronic pain problem.

Let know as often as you can how it's going. I'll be up late tonight too if you want to chat. I'm not sure what your time zone is, mine is pacific standard, or west coast time.

Juls

[2stop]

(((Juls))) You are such an angel, you have always helped me so much.
Basically, I am detoxing cold yutkey, have afew days I am tapering, so hope that helps, last night was reallly bad, but took a dose today twice and it has eased it, but I have only a couple left, and am preparing myself for this coming week, I am calling a clinic, they do offer methadone there, but my strategy is NOT to get the methadone, to see a doctor, and have counseling, and I plan on online meetings til the worst is over, then f2f again. NA meetings. I am taking methadone, klonopin and some ultracet. It's been a couple months. But had ONLY been using for the severe pain, then like an addict I began using it for anything...I learned something though, have to find non narcotic pain relief no matter how bad, I do know narcotics do not generally ever kill a person withdrawing, but three years ago the docs told my husband I was at end stage narcotic addiction, I was going to die... or being permanently insane. The withdrawals last May were insane, but my angels and you all here..I made it then, I will make it now...I am seeking professional help tomorrow though, my gut tells me I had better, I am NOT going to leave my children without a mother! It helps me so much to have this site to come to, with struggling with the agoraphobia and pain, but I am gonna beat that too...I want to live, and to be free more than anything in this world. I have sosmeone I can call an dtalk to, my husband is being supportive, I am writing my plans down on paper and am going to do this!

Thanks for being here for me, all of you.

[Juls]

Tammie,

There are Dr.s now that treat addiction on an outpatient basis with suboxone, which helps alot. However, if you've gone cold turkey before, then you know you can probably do it again. I couldn't handle it I'm ashamed to say, and I did got into treatment to be medially detoxed.

Juls

[2stop]

Juls!!! There is no shame in getting help for the withdrawals, you can bet if I had of had insurance last May I would have been in a hospital...it was so so bad, dear god I have chills running up and down my spine just thinking about it....it makws sense to get help and lessen the suffering....don't you ever feel ashamed...you are smart!!!! ***Hugs***

[12 Step Girl]

Tammie,

Wow, you are so strong..just the words you write show me that you are one determined woman,,,and thats what will help you make it thru.

I meant to suggest you write down your plan of action to WD on paper, but LOL, you had already thought of it. Write it big and put in place where you can always see it. Also, may I suggest you keep inspirational books, daily readers, NA book etc at your elbow so when it seems the pain is bad, you can pick one up and read something helpful.

You know why youre doing this,,to get healthy,,,,so keep that in your mind,,its worth it, it really is!

[2stop]

A book that is really good, and I have read for years, over and over is Real Magic by Dr. Wayne Dyer....Your Sacred Self by same author is excellent as well.....thanks for the kind words 12 step, a sweet member here has been having me call her talk to her as well, and has really been helpful, it's hard for me talk on the phone too, I have fears/phobias on just about everything....but I gotta get myself psyched to do this, I know what happens the 3rd day of withdrawal,a nd I have to be prepared, thanks all of you, for never getting upset at me writing my problems, or failings, for always helping tp pick me back up...thank you from the bottom of my heart.........