going nutso...

[dotcom]

im feeling a bit...no, a lot...like my mental health is taking a nose dive. i feel paranoid again, and the technical word is, "homicidal" but in no way do i plan on shooting someone or hurting anyone.

this is part of how i felt when i detoxed. totally nutso and not trusting of anyone. ok, OF COURSE the wallpaper lady is not a serial killer...but then i still have that thought in the back of my mind saying, she's gonna try to kill my mom and steal all the silver. what a sick thought? and i dont want to tell anyone so im here. if i tell them they will probly send me to a nut house...maybe i need to go to a nut house???? i dont know.

please...if anyone has had a crystal meth addiction and can relate, please offer any reply. even if you dont have a crystal addiction. but it would be very helpful. i have some friends who quit one and a half years before me...on the same batch...lost it and have been on antipsychotics for some time.

i dont mean to scare anyone, shoot, im scaring myself! but i need experiences badly! so i know..i dont even know, but anything will be helpful im sure.

[Juls]

Dot,

What's going on hon? Are you detoxing right now? Have you ever been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia? I don't know if the would put on a psychiatric ward, but there is definitely something not right going on with you.

You need professional help for what's happening. You know you won't act on those thought, I've had homocidal feelings too, but feeling like people were out to get me.

If your are "losing it" and it can happen, you need to get help as soon as possible.

Do you have a private physician? You can call a mental health hot-line and talk to them and maybe get some referrals.

I'm worried about you, please keep us posted so we know what's going on. I'm sending hugs and [rayers your way.

Juls

[dotcom]

no detoxing, i have one year clean. and that is why it seems so strange. ive not been diagnosed paranoid schiz. i know that psychosis can be brought on by meth use which is why im wondering... i have had at least 3 psychotic episodes while on meth, and this is nothing like those experiences. but i am sort of thinking some very irrational thoughts that freak me out. i have an appointment with my ther on the 29th and hope i can wait that long. i just went to my dr to get tested for hep c and b, as i was an needle user. i feel all clammed up when in the presence of a physician, like they will judge me or send me straight to the nuthouse.. i have told them about my drug use and have been very honest...except about the needles. i didnt tell them that, and when they asked why im getting tested for hep c and b, i said id "been" with someone who used needles...

anyways, thanks for your reply. i hope i will be fine. im sure i will. please pray for my sanity, thanks

[dotcom]

ok, i have a plan. i feel much better about this situation right now. yes, i have used meth and am probly still suffering with some of the past damage from using. yes, ill get to my therapist and be completely honest about my feelings. ive always been such an easy going, melllow, level tempered person. yes, im paranoid....but at least its not as bad as when i was mainlining, sniffing, or smoking... there have been no other indications that im schizo, so im crossing my fingers. i may just be freaking out? dont know

[Juls]

Dot,

Don't wait for your appt., call your therapist tomorrow and tell him/her what is going on. I know that people can get psychotic on meth, but I've never heard someone have a psychotic episode that long after being clean. However, I'm not an expert, so on the other hand I couldn't say definitively that it isn't related.

It's easy to say, "oh, I'll prbably be alright." and not want to reach out and talk to someone when something like this is happening, especially when you in fear of being judged. No Dr., at least no competent Dr., would judge you based on what is happening. What they would want to do is run some tests, refer you to a psychiatrist, and make sure you get some help.

Is there a mental health hot line in your area? It would be helpful to just call and talk to them about it, even a suicide hot line. They've heard just about everything and would not judge you, and give you some good advice.

Juls

[Jon]

Dot,

I want you to look something up on the Internet, and the come back and tell me what you think.

Do a search on Google for Post Acute Withdrawal.

Trust me on this, k?

[Chy]

Dot I am sorry your struggeling right now. I've seen you get a bit more antsy these last few day's. Try a meeting, see a counselor and know that what your feeling is common with those who have specific times attached to sobreity.

Doug has a good thread you can find "Flare Up" which talks about what your experiancing, and here is a link that may help from Carol's vault of wonderful links.

I'm leaving now for the day but will check in later and hope to see you at tonight's meeting.

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

[dotcom]

pathetic attempt to make it all better huh? lol... well, if crossing my fingers did work that would rock. i dont really like talking on the phone, or talking in general for that matter. so i dont know about a mental health hotline, id probly call, say hi and tell them im fine and dont know why im calling, other than i feel i have a problem but dont want to discuss it.

i checked out post acute withdrawl, and the dotster probly has it. i can relate to being emotionally numb, because i realize there is a problem, but sweep it under the rug and have already justified that im fine. my phys coordination has also been a bit off. i get a twitch in my leg when walking every few hours...like im having a seizure or something. and stress...thats a given. i do also feel in the fight or flight mode again. and have no appetite. well, i do but i usually have more to eat especially by now.

yes chy, ive been very antsy. probly cause i let myself come so close to using then pulled away at the very last second. teasing my body into thinking it would have a taste. maybe thats where the paw comes from? i dont know. but thanks for all your concerns, im concerned as well. i would like to say ill be fine as im sure i will.

[Bonni]

(((Dot))) ((hugs))
I dont know anything about meth addiction except what I'v heard, but I'v heard it can cause paranoia, and homicidal thoughts and tendencies, in some people. Which may require medically supervised use of anti-psyhcotic medication. If you dont already have a Psyhco-therapist it may be a good idea to see one about these psyhcotic episodes you'v been having.
I'm like Jules, I worry about you, so please let us know how you are doing, and please contact a professional in psyhcosis, about this.
If you dont want to talk with your regular phycisian about this get a referral to see a Psyhco-therapist. Thats what I did with my bipolar/manic depressive disorder. I'v been seeing a psyhco-therapist for about a year now, and it has really helped me.
Take care, Love, Bonni

[Cecilia]

Dotcom

I dont really know anything about the drug culture so I cant offer any advice just support. I agree with the others you need to contact your DR now. If you sprained your ankle youd go to the DR now you wouldnt wait a week or so.

You say you have trouble talking ftf. You seem to be very articulate in your writing. Do you think you could write down whats bothering you and let the doctor read it. Not keep it just read it.

I always write down a list of questions myself. First you wait and then he comes in all rushed and the time I see him I forget what the hell I came in for. LOL.

[Justme57]

Oh! .com! I am so sorry you are having a Blah ! day. get to the Doc girl, and hang in there !

" this too will pass"

You are our much luved friend !

heart

lee and Spotted

[2stop]

Oh my dear dotster. I know how scary these thoughts are, withdrawals do this to me, and I am so sacred telling anyone I have had homicidal thoughts with the suicidal, being as I have been committed so mnay times....but I think Jon has a real good point about checking out the post acute withdrawal syndrome, even when I was doing so well, and was clean and feeling good, those thoughst would just hit so fast, and I would be calling my husbandsaying the cable guy was really hooking up the cable, he was wiring us for sound...to spy on us, I would spen my tiem peering thru mini-blinds, just going crazyt in my hadm wab nting to grab somebosy by the neck and twist it real good....they wouldsubside, but knowing I will be detoxing next week, I am terrifified....I am praying for you Dotster..we can make it you know, I know..I am not so mentally stable at the moment and all, but we have to find a way through this. These ARE the times I have grown my greatest most profiund faith and spiritual principles. It has totally amazed me how quickly and progresively this disease is after we stop and start a recovery...and then pick up again.....YOU have made it a year!!! My God...do you know ho=w strong you are? How beautiful that is? What an inspiration you are to me, to us all??? Look up what Jon suggested, I think it may help, but please by all means talk to a doctor or somebody, hate to see you suffer like this....you have been so kind and supportive to me.....I love you girl, hang in there okay? YOU ARE LOVED!!!

Hey dotcom,

I don't have a drug addiction, but I do paranoid really well. I've been going through a bout of it myself. The thing that helps me the most is self talk and a lot of it. Our emotions aren't the facts. Our emotions can go against facts so I just keep telling myself the facts.

Here are a couple of threads that might help.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...822#post128822

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=5107 (Reassurances:)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=4084 (Self Talk)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=4109 (Positive Coping Actions)

[Stephanie]

There's a lot of great information here. I wish I had this when I was going through all of this. They field has really come a long way. When I first got clean they just put me on anti-psychotics and labeled it bi-polar.

I know exactly what you're going through. I did crystal for many many years and had post acute withdrawl a few times. Twice I had to be hospitalized. The doctors were convinced then it was a mental disorder but I still disagreed. However, I needed to go into the hospital.

Whether you're having a psychotic episode or you are having post acute withdrawl symptoms, it needs to be stabalized with medication or it gets worse. This is my experience and I have a lot of it. All of it centers around crystal meth and psychosis.

One thing I also know is that usually the post acute symptoms are brought on by something. For me I went off Xanax once and then one other time and I guess it was a yr sober, it just happened. Looking back I can tell you why it happened too. I wasn't sleeping enough and I was under a lot of stress and I wasn't eating much.

Are you doing anything right now that could be compromising your system like not getting enough sleep? For years after I stopped using, if I was pushing it to the limit, I would start to get sympotoms but I learned how to manage it and what to do. I started sleeping and eating and taking care of myself. However the two times that I was hospitalized after I stopped using I was already in full blown psychosis. When this happens your brain chemistry is messed up. The second time I knew the drill. I took care of my affairs, packed a bag, called my parents and my doctor to tell them what I was doing and I walked to the hospital and checked myself in.

I remember a couple months after I left reading an article in Time about Crystal meth and how they are determining that it causes psychosis and that patients have to be detoxed using anti psychotic drugs.

I told my doctor I was done with the medication and he told me that it could be ten yrs but I would have another episode. That's because he's a psychiatrist and not an addiction expert. If I were bi-polar that would be true but I knew it wasn't. All the research that was coming out backed me up. It's been well over ten yrs now and thank god I have not had another episode since.

What I'm saying to you in a nutshell is that if you are in fact pushing yourself to the limit or are stressed you are most likely having an after effect of the drugs. One doctor told me that could happen for 5 yrs. after I stopped using. Even so, like I said your brain chemistry gets effected and it's a good thing to get regulated with a doctor either on meds or not. Are you on an anit depressant? Those are really bad for a post meth user because they can be speedy and bring about an episode. I would go see your doctor and be honest about what's happening.

[dotcom]

yes, im on 50mg of zoloft (small dose) for ocd and anxiety. i do not think im having a psychotic episode. im not confused about reality at the moment. and im not hearing things or construing what people are saying like before. i couldnt register conversations or daytime/nighttime before. i thought someone just turned out the lights. the last time that happened i was using. i think this it the paws.

yes, im not getting enough sleep. and im getting very tense about starting school again on the 27th. only the past four days i havent been eating as much though. i usually have a very healthy appetite.

i was not detoxed in a facility and did not attend a rehab. i just attend na meetings and 12 step. i havent been able to see my therapist because i switched therapists and i have to wait in order to get a time slot.

i havent had any probs with the zoloft. but a few days ago, before my one year i went out looking. planning on using, but didnt. that was very stressful. i guess it ties in with stress.

thank you all for your patience and support

[Lilya]

Dotcom,

I´m sorry I come so late into this discussion, as I´ve been on the SOS suicide helpline where I work as an operator few nights a week. Is there a line in your area? Please call the NA helpline, it should be where you are, and check with your therapist and doctor tomorrow first thing. Stay close to a phone and get fluids.

As a recovering drug addict I have been on both Heroine and Cocaine and I know the withdrawal symptoms all too well. I had hallucinations for a long time, I cannot tell you how long it was in actual months, but it felt like eternity to me, although not a whole year. I saw the walls closing on me, moving pictures in the walls and all kinds of horror I will not lay on you right now. I was also using mescaline. All I can say is the mind is playing tricks on you for either using, not getting enought sleep or a chemical impbalance. Something is wrong and needs attention, ma puce.

I went to see a psychiatrist for my hallucinations and was given something to calm them down. Like Stephanie, I was hospitalized. I had myself thourougly checked for some time after and I go yearly for check-ups, although I haven´t used for 17 years.

Please arm yourself with help and support and remember to stay near a phone and keep safe. I´m sending prayers and support to you and please let us know how you´re doing. Don´t wait too long to see a psychiatrist and be honest. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Getting help shows real courage.

Remember, all this can be taken care of.
Love and light,

Use adversity

[Chy]

Hey chick-a-dee just checking in on you. You have received much support today, so I am confident you will get through this. I think the fact you went on a drive by to Satan's place really through you for a loop and put you back in the mindset you were at so long ago. Learn from this, your going to be okay!

[DolphinBlue]

Hi Dot,

this sounds so much like what happened to me at about 1 year sober. I went through everything you described but the symptoms are a lot better and I do agree that it sounds like PAWS. Info on this was very helpful to me.

Hope you're taking care of yourself, this is really important for me. As is talking, reaching out and asking for help which you seem to be doing just fine right here, though I do agree with the others that professional help is important as well.

Just wanted you to know that I've been there, very recently, and its a lot better now.

Amy

[dotcom]

thank you all for your support, advice, encouragement, feedback. its been very helpful. today i feel shook up, not better not worse. i wore my most comfortable sweatshirt, jeans and my favorite pair of kneehigh socks today. i am at work taking this one step at a time and im doing alright with that. ive been praying almost constantly, and that has been the biggest help. losing my conscious contact with God really didnt help. although i dont want to, im trying to keep my schedule and routine like some of you have mentioned. well, it is better than staying home and feeling out of control. i have proved to myself that i can still function (only with Gods help might i add, cause i know i cant do it alone. and with your support). that makes me feel better. and thankfully the wallpaper lady will not be coming back. no i didnt scare her off, etc. she is just finished with the wallpaper. now i get to deal with the gardener! lol...

anyways, i explained my feelings and paws to my parents. and that really gave me relief. i didnt tell them about the paranoia and homicidal thoughts, im writing that down for my therapist. cause i cant remember much of anything right now. i will be emailing my sponsor about this too. she rocks.

today i dont have an appetite, but that could be because i ate 4 pieces of pizza yesterday. dont know. but when and if im hungry ill eat. im drinking lots of water and im feeling very relaxed (thanks to my hp who ive been praying to for almost the whole day). well, thats all for now. thanks for your suport.

[2stop]

~~Dotster~~ Bless you girl! You really are an inspiration to me, and it sounds like you have a good, solid plan going, this is what I am working on too. We love ya and care about ya very much...Know you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

:bluerose :throb :redrose

[Justme57]

Good Morning dear .com!

I am so glad you are feeling relaxed, and more able to cope !

you really are , as Tammie says , a wonderful inspiration on these boards . you have a plan, and by God you make it work! I am so proud of you !


Big HUGX and LUV

lee and the Spotster

btw , Spot said to say that the knee high sox Rock , in his humble opinion! :heart

[dotcom]

thank you very much tammie2stop. you have taught me a lot about "fixing myself and others". its an ongoing process and im not going to wake up one day and be fixed. and im not going to wake up one day and have the answers to everyone else's problems. you taught me to accept me and others right where we are. haha... it never ever crossed my mind to do that till i read your posts. darn disease...lol...

[dotcom]

thank you lee and spotted! you are always so kind and patient with me. tell spotted i will get him some blue knee highs...

[historyteach]

dotcom;
I'm so sorry I wasn't around earlier. However, you have been given some great support and advice and you have developed a plan of action. Kudos!!!
You are an awesome young lady, dotcom, and I am very impressed with your resolve. You are indeed an inspiration!
Was there any particular trigger that you can finger when you had the urge to use? Try to identify it if you can. Develop a plan to deal with it in the future.
Dotcom, take care of yourself. Alot of people care about you and many depend upon you. You have made yourself indespensible!
Let me know if I can help in any way.
Shalom!