Guilt

[Sue S]

I have tremendous guilt over a one night stand I had one night when I was drunk. I justified it at the time because I was unhappy in my marriage, I blamed him for alot of my problems. What I later realized was that my marriage wasn't the problem, I have a great husband, the problem was my depression and alcoholism. Which I am working on and now taking medication for, and I am now happy with my marriage of 15yrs. If I ever told my husband about that it would destroy him, honestly. I see nothing good coming out of it, except that it helped me realize I had a problem and needed to change, I learned form it.
So how do I live with the guilt?

[Lilya]

Sue,

Welcome to this board.

I think it´s best to deal with guilt by not doing to much about it. You have a disease and you are dealing with it, so leave your mistake in the past where it belongs. I assume you have done all the right things, gone to have tests to make sure you and your husband will be OK.

You will find that guilt, like everything else, gets better with time. Talking about it, moderately, with someone on a help line or post here will help to a degree, but eventually the work is within you. You´re working hard to make your marriage work and that should lessen the guilt.

You could also use the energy the guilt takes by doing some project or doing exercises, meditation or yoga. You can use self-talk to strenghten you. Just remember, you made a mistake, you have learned from it and the only thing you can do about it is that you will not repeat it again by drinking or using drugs.

Good luck.

Use adversity

[Sue S]

Thanks for your reply Lilya, where can I find some self-talk techniques?

[Chy]

The 9th step of AA allows us to release that guilt. "Making amends to those we have harmed except when to do so would cause them harm."

There are certain things we learn we must just take to the grave, but forgiving and accpeptance of ones self will provide you with relief.

[Lilya]

Sue,

You´ll find treasures in the AA big book on these things. You might also try Melodie Beattie´s books, "Facing Codependence" and "Codependence no more", and/or Susan Forward´s books, where you can find actual exercises on how to build up self-esteem and learn positive self-talk. You should be able to look them up on yahoo or google.

I hope you´ll find some answers, if not, don´t hesitate to PM me or post here.

Use adversity

[woodtick]

I never cheated on my wife but I was just fortunate not to have the opportunity while I was under the influence, I believe. The last year of our marriage was awful. One of my last drunks was at a local bar and my wife was out of town. In retrospect, I believe I was very vulnerable on that night and it could have happened to me quite easily.

You are in a difficult dilemma, your spouse deserves to know but you also deserve forgiveness as you obviously regret what you did. My suggestion is to discuss it with a therapist.

[historyteach]

"Unless to do so would cause harm."
That is the second part of step 9; the part many forget.
If you tell your husband, just to releive your guilt, then you are not doing it for him, but for you. Therefore, you are hurting him. What could it possibly do except cause him more pain? I am certain he has suffered enough pain with your alcoholism, right?
Reveive your guilt by telling your Rabbi, Priest, Minister or therapist. That is the soul cleansing you need. Vow to never again do something like this - whether you relapse or not! Make amends by being the loving, considerate wife that he deserves. And always remember, how close you came to blowing it!
Shalom!

[AvieG]

SCREW GUILT!!! Is my motto. Already been said that Step 9 states 'except when to do so would injure them or others (others being ME) Only ONE one-night stand, Sue?? Well, by MY standards as a drunk, that's not that bad!!

I had the morals of an alley cat when I was drinking, and have often shared in meetings, "I never went to bed with an ugly bloke, but I sure as hell woke up beside a few!!" (I guess the guys must have thought the same - I wasn't a very pretty sight when I was drunk!!!

Don't dwell on it too much, look upon it as one of the more unpalatable symptoms of the disease we suffer from, and concentrate on living a better life in recovery.

[Juls]

Sue, I do agree that telling your husband would really be hurtful to him, and would probably not accomplish anything. Yet you will always have to carry that secret, and will probably always feel some twinges of guilt over it. However, now that you are no longer a drunk and have put alot of effort into making your marriage better you should feel alot of pride in that. It's not like you did it and then kept on doing it. You did it once and that was all.

I don't know if your religious, but I was raised a Catholic, and the times that I did things that I felt were pretty awful I would go and confess. God has already forgiven you, but now you have to forgive yourself.

Juls

[AvieG]

[i] God has already forgiven you, but now you have to forgive yourself.

Juls [/B]

Juls, I agree with this bit (I agree with all of it, but this bit mostly) Having first made MY amends, all the people concerned forgave me, and I know God did too, but forgiving myself took MUCH longer.

I carried lots of baggage artound for a long time.

[Cecilia]

I agree with the others. Dont tell your husband. It may be a temporary guilt relief but the aftershocks wont be pretty.

I think telling him would be selfish in a way. Youre relieving your guilt by transfering the pain to him.

Also telling him wont make you feel better and you will have lost his trust. So find some other way to forgive yourself and make it up to him by staying sober and being a good person.

[Sue S]

Thank you all so much for your replies, they've been very helpful.
I have asked god for forgiveness.
There are many things I did when I was drinking I regret...I need to remember those things when I get the urge to drink again.
The things I've done I would never even consider if I were sober.

[AvieG]

Sue, I think the last line of your last post is partly your way of making amends

'The things I've done I would never even consider if I were sober'

The best amends I can ever make is to stay sober and live a different life.
Glad to see you are sticking around the forum.