Dealing with rude people

[Lilya]

I´ve been a part of a group who meets every other Monday night to discuss philosophie and théologie. We raise funds as well for ex-criminals and Juveniles as we all had this in common.

Three women there get on my nerves because they are so rude. They call me without introducing themselves and just tell me this and that has to be done, will you take or if, ciao. Then they are loud and vulgaire sometimes and keep giving orders. I´m very tired of their company, but on the other hand the group has given me a lot.

It´s rife now with problems and inner struggles. I have decided to stay for a social project that means a lot to me and we´ll be doing that until spring, but after that I will quit and start working more for Amnesty International.

One of the women is particularly trying. She keeps coming to me, gets inside my physical limits and stares at me. Then after I raise my eyebrows, she says something personal about me, often: “Oh, my poor thing. You look so sad. No wonder, after the life you´ve had. I´m so sorry. And now you´re growing older and then - misery keeps just adding up."

I met her in a department store last weekend. I was in a good mood, trying on a nice long skirt. As luck would have it and Paris is so small, this woman was there. She stared at me and commented: “This does nothing for you.� I got angry and said: “Well, did I ask for your opinion?� She said nothing so I said: “Well, let me get on with my shopping.� She told me she only wanted to help and I told her didn´t need any. Afterwards she complained to the other women how awful I had been to her. I called her and told her what I had heard and told her if she had something to say about me, to please say it to me directly. She wanted to argue with me but I told her I had it up to here with her and I would not argue.

I need to hang on till spring, but I feel this woman is angry because I don´t like her. Co-dependence in action. Maybe I´m too direct? Now I´m trying to ignore her, but she just keeps going strong.

I need some support here and maybe someone has an advice to share, or has had problems with rudeness. I find it very difficult to take.

"Let no one bring me so low that I start to hate him." - Cape Fear" - Martin Scorsese.

Use adversity

[2stop]

Oh boy, have I known people like this. The school my kids go to, the pastor is like this, except doesn't say so much, as stares and speaks to another while having one eye on me, or will say something like, I better be careful, don't want Tammie thinking I am a bad person..I told him I don't judge as to whether someone is good or bad....and then I said well, Sadam Hussein, I would say he is bad, but I don't judge people becaue they don't belong in "my" clique". I don't belong to any clique.He had that sarcastic grin and just walked away. I don't fit into their "group" and buy into all there religious piousness, and it angers them, they even went to my son and said. I don't think your mother will let you get baptized.....pissed me off then, they need to come to the mother, not the child with spiritual matters, I get shunned by many of them, but the others are nice enough. People are just so judgmental sometimes, and put everyone in a category. Always having to feel superior, whether it's with religion, or social events, or whatever. It is very rude, and they never ever see how unbecoming it is to them, and how ridiculous and petty they are. They are inflated with self-importance and will do anything to get reactions from people. They must be very miserable inside, as this woman sounds for sure, she has no business treating you this way...You just hold your head high, continue to be direct, and show her how a real lady acts. YOU are a real lady, Lilya, I am so sorry for the stress this does cause though. It makes things so uncomfortable. She sure had a lot of nerve to confront you like that in the store...man! You handled it well, but I am sure it wears at you. I never understood this behaviour in people, but they are definitely unhappy, and try to spread it to others, needing company for their misery.

Big warm, comforting hugs across the ocean to you.....

[lurkings]

~Lilya,
Just last week at my work there is a parent whom I bend over backwards for. I had to report her to HRS (Like children and families) for possible abuse. She came to me and told me how she was struggling and I watched her two kids while she went to her AA meetings for an hour. All she had to do was give me a few dollars to buy her and her two kids dinner. I used my gas, and my time without a thankyou. Then she asked me to find her something on ebay for her son so I spent a lot of time until I finally found what she was looking for. Then I have gone to bat for her on numerous occasions for her payment and she has let me down everytime with doing her part. Then she comes in and yells at me for thirty minutes about how I have a personal problem with her, I brush her concerns off and I need to let go of my ego. After everything I have done for her! What nerve!

She tried to intimidate me by saying she was going to talk to my boss, but I told her she should. Then she was saying how she was in tight "ca-hoots" with all the parents and I told her that was good. Then she said how she knew the founder of the church I work at, (Which was established in 1894) and she knew the grandaughter. Then she was saying how she knew the recently retired pastor of the church and I told her that was good. So then she gets really mad and says how her mother is in the hospital. That is the real problem and she was taking it out on me and I didn't even do anything.

Let me say that I really understand. I have no help for you though because I am a wuss. I hate confrontation and any kind of fighting, with my past I just can't handel it. I just had to walk away and shut the door.

So Lilya, I hope someone comes on here and lets you have some great advice... Good luck and don't shoot anyone okay!

[Cecilia]

I try not to pay any attention to rude people. I figure their attitude is their problem not mine.

I dont like confrontations but I wont let myself be bullied either. Elvis says I have a mean sense of humour.

I usually dont argue with people when theyre trying to boss me cause to me there is no argument. They can talk all they want but in the end I choose what Im gonna do. Sometimes I even do what they suggested if its the right thing to do. LOL.

Tammie I would have asked the pastor why he thought he was bad. I would have told him Im sure it cant be that bad that he wouldnt be forgiven.

[woodtick]

Lilya,
In my experiences where I have been wronged, I have found that although getting pissed-off at the person is a great and justified emotional release, it usually doesn't make the situation end in a desired manner. The expression of anger certainly makes the other person aware that they have wronged me in some manner but it often gives the other person a feeling of justification after the fact. Following her comment at the department store, I believe a shocked and hurt look without saying anything then looking away would have notified her that she wronged you and not given her any feelings of justification. She would have left feeling like a jerk, that is if she had a conscience.

This woman is clueless as to the impact of her actions, try to have pity on her. She's a self-centered idiot! Being civil with those people is so difficult.


Tammie,
I find it extremely hypocritical that many of those who preach tolerance, non-judgementalism, and forgiveness are the least of these. I completely quit going to church about a year ago because of it. That and promoting political views I don't believe in from the pulpit put and end to my fellowship. I still have faith in god but not in people.

[2stop]

I have lost all faith in religion, but I am aspiritual being having a physical experience. I love the teacher where my kids go to school, but am concerned about the religious teachings. They are happy and safe in this school, but I must protect my kids from emotional/mental abuse as well as physical violence......they will probbaly go to public school next year. I am totally for the public school system, and maybe I need to take this as a sign to get in there and help the public school system. This church school my kids go to is where my brother and I, and even my mom went as agirl. I am very concerned about the indoctrination that can occur, it took me years to work through it. The teacher himself is very open and understanding, and listens to my views. I have had many talks with him, but the part about going to my son and saying I don't think your mom will let you get baptized, really bothered me...I have nothing against baptism, it is symbolic, and harmless, but then they put your name in a book and a mere men can ex-communicate you from the "church" if he feels you "too sinful" I am so against this, but nanyways I am getting of topic, sorry Lilya, for getting away from the intent of the post.....I do not understand rude, holier than thou people at all, All we can do is hold our head high and know we are just fine how we are, but boy can some people latch on and not leave us be....to be in a store and confronted...all in the name of "just wanting to help' Hogwash, this woman is a professional instigator with no desire to confront her own emotional needs so she feeds like a vulture off of trying to make others feel bad.....

Cecilia...I was thinking that same thing, what you feelin bad about pastor??? I just told him I try not to judge and you could see him bristle...like hey! that's my job, I am a pastor!!...could've fooled me!! LOL.....I try not to let it get to me, but sometimes zi get pretty outraged,

Hope you all have a wonderful day. I am going to call and check on my dad. The weather is getting quite bad out, and I don't have the money for a taxi today so will talk on the phone and see how he is...

Love you all!!!!!!!!!!!***hugs***

[Lilya]

Tammie, Lurkings, Cecilia and Brent,

Thanks for responding to me. It helped a lot, and I´m calming down now. It´s funny how some people can get under your skin, others leave you indifferent. Some shrinks say it means you see a part of yourself you don´t like in these people, but I don´t think that´s 100%. In some cases, people are just rude.

I share your opinion of the clergy, Brent and Tammie, and I rarely go to church. It´s too much hypocrisy in religion. Once in Germany I was chased out of the big cathedral in Cologne - guess what, by the clergy! They just rushed me and other innocent bystanders out of the church, screaming and shouting like wild animals. Incredible. And I´ve seen priests abuse children training to be bellboys by pinching them and even hitting them. When I said something I was chased out like a demon from hell.

Cecilia, I wish things were that easy. I have been ignoring her for a long time, but then she complained I was ignoring her and the group demanded a meeting for that purpose. It´s a no win situation, for sure, but I will do my best to have as little to do with her as possible. In spring, a clean break.

Lurkings, I used to hate confrontation, and I dislike them today. Or better yet, they bore me. Nobody wins. Sometimes it´s good to clear the air, but when there is hostility, I have noticed confrontations are of no use. It´s only if two people or a group REALLY wants to make amends and work on the problem, there can be use of it.

Brent, I had a similar thing with this woman earlier this winter. I was putting on my coat after a meeting and noticed she was staring at me. I smiled to her as if to ask: So? And she said: "You look so sad, my dear girl. You look like you´re having such a bad time."
"No," I said. "On the contrary, I feel quite well."
"You may not know it, but your sadness is engraved in your face. I have a second sight and I can see these things."
"Give me a break, " I said. "I´m trying to become a better person. This kind of talk makes me want to do bad things."
She just stared at me, and I said: "Hey! I was just kidding."
Then I said good night and left. What a nutcase, I thought - and think.

Gosh, I´m tired after the workday and I´m on the SOS lines tonight. I´m getting an early night. Thanks to you all!

Use adversity

[2stop]

Lilya!! You have me laughing so hard!! I love that line you used.....LOL...I am trying to be a better person and you make me want to do bad things....holy cow, sounds like something I would say...That is too funny. You better get some good rest tonight my friend.....Sending to rest upon your pillow and help you relax and feel rested in the morning.......***hugs across the sea***

[lurkings]

I told you all, I think, that I hate confrontations.... Well, that lady I was telling you about that was yelling at me... She apologized today. She said that she didn't think I would understand so she talked to my boss and another co-worker (who is older than me) and they understood, and I told her that I could never understand unless she gave me a chance to. She said she was having a bad day and I told her that she was taking everything out on me and that, that wasn't right. Then she said her main thing was that the room was cold and I told her that I fixed it because she knew it was a concern.

I stood up for myself! I am so proud!

[Lilya]

Lurkings, ma puce,

I´m so glad she apologized and that you stood up for yourself. Congratulations!

I also hope you won´t need to have more to do with her. Sounds like she´s in a bad way. But, these people are meant to try us. It´s school of discipline and it also teaches us not to behave like that other rude person to anyone else. Right?

Use adversity

[lurkings]

~Lilya,
Well, as much as I would LOVE to think that this wouldn't happen again this is a lady whom I have dealt with a lot. I have to say it is getting kind of old! Hopefully it will get better because I really said something to her this time and she seemed to be very responsive... So keep your fingures crossed. I made sure that she knew that I can only fix a problem I know about.

I hope you have a good day Lilya.

[Lilya]

I finished a Suicide watch 40 minutes ago and I´m beat! This and spring are the worst times for suicides. Makes you treasures all the more the good things in life.

And I guess we´re learning by dealing with difficult people. It´s a good school in tolerance and humility. So are tango and flamengo lessons! LOL

Use adversity

[lurkings]

~Lilya,
What do you do on a suicide watch?

Yeah! LOL!

I was telling my counselor the other day that if I could sit there in silence and still accomplish something I would. Same with other people. If we could sit there and hash out our problems without talking I would be great at it. I hate to talk. I am so bad and get so nervous talking that I use to write my boss notes for eight months because I couldn't talk to her, I would shake and stuff. Once I had to talk to a teacher st school (last semester) and I couldn't look at her. I stood there with my head down, arms folded and talking so softly she had to sit down and scoot close to hear me.

Sad huh?

[woodtick]

Lurkings,
I know the feeling well. I had to give a small presentation in my human relations class this week and I was a mess. Everybody in the class had to interview someone else and recite the findings of the interview to the class. I had to stand in front of the class with the person I interviewed and who interviewed me. There was no podium to hide behind. I was so nervous the paper in my hands was starting to tremble. Fortunately, this was the case with most everybody so I didn't feel so weird. I wish I wasn't like that, but I just can't help it.

[historyteach]

There is something I have actually done when rude people get me super irratated and nothing else, (cold stare, ignoring person...), has worked. I say

"Next time I want your opinion, I'll give it to you!"

LOL! True. That truely shuts them up, mainly because they have to think about it for a second, then, when they realize what I have said, they are totally embarrassed.
I too dislike confrontation. However, I have a limit to what I can take.
Try it sometime; after you have attempted other means of politely communicating disapproval of their actions towards you. But, usually a cold stare works!
BTW if you really like that group; and it sounds great - philosophy and theology are right up my alley - then don't let her or anyone push you out! Stand up for yourself and enjoy that which is yours to enjoy!
Shalom!