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|03-20-2012, 11:58 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2012
I'm completely falling apart
To make this short I will just say that during my 3rd semester of college I went through an extremely traumatic event. That event happened towards the beginning of the semester and I because of it I got pretty horrible grades that semester (was a 4.0 student up until then). Towards the end of that semeste5r I just couldn't handle all the **** going on and I had become known as the dorm alcohol/drug abuser so I moved back in with my parents in my home town. The next semester while living with my parents I quit going to classes a month in and became a a full fledged alcoholic.. I remained enrolled in college for the next 1.5 years but had an average of about a 2.0 gpa and failed at least one class a semester. At that point in my life I was drinking literally every day. Some weeks I wouldn't go even 5 minutes without a drink. I would wake up, get wasted, pass out for 3-4 hours and wake up again and start it all over again.
That continued for 2 straight years after that traumatic event. Two semesters ago I was basically kicked out of the new college I was going to because I had already taken a class necessary for my degree 3 times; which was the maximum. So last semester I went to a community college and finally got my **** together again. Got all A's and didn't do any drugs.
Oh ya, that brings up another quick point. After that traumatic experience I had started abusing prescription drugs about 2 or 3 times a week and pretty much made a fool of myself in front of others every time I did. I also started to smoke marijuana during that time.
Ok, back to my story. So that semester I got my **** together was the year mark for being clean from drugs and the 4 or 5 month mark for being clean from marijuana. I studied almost every single day and took all of my studies very seriously because it was either I clean up my act or forfeit all of my lifelong dreams to achieve the degree and career I've always wanted.
Well after that semester the community college offered no more classes I needed for my degree. I couldn't go back to the nearby 4 year college because they wouldn't even accept transfer credit for the class I had failed 3 times.
My only choice was to return to the city and college in which that traumatic experience had occurred.
Also you should know that although I have never had nightmares about what happened to me I most certainly suffer from PTSD symptoms I can't stand being in any large social setting, I prefer sitting near an exit door, anytime people walk past me or near me I instantly anticipate they are going to attack me, I refuse to walk anywhere during night time, I refuse to drive during night time or during bad weather, and I have basically become a complete recluse because I refuse to to hang out with anyone I don't know because I don't trust anyone.
Ok, so I returned to the city and college where that initial event happened. I knew it was going to be hard. But I never knew it would be as hard as it has been. The first month and a half were difficult but I was able to keep up with my studies and get good grades. After that things just fell apart.
I hate my roommates, I hate being away from my cat, I hate being away from my parents. I haven't made a single friend here (partly because I don't even try, I could care less about ass holes who complain about classes without ever knowing how difficult life is for others like people with PTSD symptoms).
I just feel so lost.
Damnit... My story could literally take up 300 pages. I feel like I should also mention that before that traumatic experience I was easily the most popular person in my entire dorm. Not a day went by when people didn't want to hang out with me. I had numerous girls interested in me. I had a good reputation and was well liked. I specifically remember telling my parents once that I was really stressed out because I couldn't find enough time for myself! Can you believe that? I certainly can't.
Things have never been the same since then. Everything has changed. I have become a completely different person. I am filled with anger, hatred, regret, shame, and so many other emotions.
This week was Spring break. I planned on going home this afternoon. In fact I have been so home sick and depressed over the last month that the only way I have been able to sleep is to tell myself It's only so many days until I get to snuggle in with my cat at night and sleep without any fear, stress, or anxiety. My grades have almost all slipped to D's already this semester. I knew that Spring break was my chance to "get away", take a vacation, and to study 5-6 hours a day with my wonderful cat and get my studies back in order before the last half of the semester.
After 2 hours of packing up my car (I literally pack for the most severe circumstances which I never did before that traumatic experience) I set off only to find find that every single on ramp to the interstate which would take me home was closed due to construction. I went in circles for 20 minutes in pouring rain trying to find a way home before I couldn't handle the stress anymore and just went back to my house.
I hate driving in the rain. I hate driving at night too. I hate anything that prevents me from being in complete control of my own "fate". I don't trust other drivers and I trust them even less in terrible weather. It's supposed to be pouring rain tomorrow and Friday as well. If that's how it works out theres no way I'll be going home over Spring break.
All those days spent counting down towards seeing my parents and cat again. All those days spent waiting until I could just get a few days off and relax. All wasted.
Some people spend months in recovery clinics to get over alcoholism. I never had that chance. I quit by myself through my own determination. I never even got a week off from school/work. I haven't been on a vacation or even had a week off in over 4 years now. It's literally been work, school, studying, drugs, or alcoholism for as long as I can remember.
How the hell can I go on? I would give everything I own just to go up in the mountains or to a beach or to ANYWHERE for just 7 days and sit and think and get all this **** worked out in my mind. 4 years of terrible nightmarish memories which I have never had even one week to process without the stress or worrying of other crap on top of them.
Everything just seems to have been building up all this time. I feel like I am going to explode.....
EDIT* - Just read through my post and felt like I should add a few more things. No one in my family understands what I am going through. I am literally the only person in my family who has drunk heavily or done drugs for an extended period of time. I know I hurt my parents so much when I lived with them. I simply can't tell them what I am currently going through because I know they won't understand and I know it will only make them worry about me 24/7. I guess I really just felt like I needed to get this all of my chest and tell someone, anyone.
Also, I've lost all interest in all of my old hobbies. I used to love building plastic models, shooting hoops, playing video games, and a few other things. After that traumatic experience I haven't done any of those things. Oh, I've tried though. Sometimes I force myself to play 2-4 hours of a video game just so that I'm doing something different. But I never enjoy it. I am always left feeling like I just wasted those hours without having any fun.
The only things I really do now in my free time is watch tv shows or movies on netflix. I guess it's the easiest way to "lose" myself in a different world without actually having to put any effort into it.
There are a few hobbies I would be interested in but they flat out be too expensive for me. As it is I already owe large sums of money for college debts and even if I get straight A's from now on I will end up being in college for 6 or 7 years due to my own failures.
Sure, there was an ass hole who put me through a traumatic experience. I also know that PTSD "causes" people to resort to alcohol or drugs to "wipe that memory" from their minds. But my family doesn't understand that. Neither do I.
When people ask me what the hardest thing I've ever done in my life was I think about the morning I had to call my father about what happened to me. But I never tell them about it.
|03-21-2012, 01:48 AM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2012
Why am I not allowed to edit my original post?
why am I not allowed to delete it?
Easily the dumbest forum policy I have ever seen. Good luck ever seeing me here again. I could have used the help.
Last edited by needhelp55; 03-21-2012 at 01:59 AM. Reason: Rant
|03-21-2012, 02:11 AM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
The editing issue is probably more of a techie thing than a newcomer thing.
My understanding is that one has fifteen minutes to edit their original post; anything after that has to be run past an administrator.
My sense is that as you were editing your original post, you went past the 15 minute time limit on posting original edits.
Many members work around that by making a second, clarifying post.
You are also posting in what has historically been the "slow time" on these forums.
I hope you find peace.
|03-21-2012, 03:18 AM||#4 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2010
I don't have any advice for you but I just wanted to let you know I read every single word of your post and my heart ached for you. I am praying for you that whoever your higher power is will come to you to help you. You have been through a very difficult time and you need some peace in your life. I wish you all the very best.
|The Following User Says Thank You to feeling-good For This Useful Post:|| |
|03-21-2012, 03:29 AM||#5 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2012
I read every word too and I'm so sorry you had that experience that made your life so hard. I also had a traumatic experience when I was in my late teens and I can't help but think it had a huge impact on my life also .... BUT I had to own up to the fact that it happened and it didn't kill me. Please stick around here. I'm a newbie too but I'm finding there's a lot of support here. It can help!
|03-21-2012, 10:25 AM||#6 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2002
Blog Entries: 2
We have a 15 minute edit limit so spammers and trolls can't come back and change their post.
We will help you with anything you need.
Just push the report button next to you post and let us know what you want edited.
|03-23-2012, 08:35 PM||#7 (permalink)|
trying to mend
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Where the Wild Things Are
This is a great forum with many wonderful people who are willing and able to help.
I pray that you come back and give it a try.
Sometimes, we all get in a place where we just need to let off some steam, and sometimes, writing it all down does help a little.
When you really need just a listening ear, this is a great place to come, and when you need a little more than that, it's still a great place to come.
I don't know you or your family. You may be right. They may not understand what you are going through, but when I was reading your story, I was feeling that if you were my child, I'd like to receive the benefit of the doubt and at least have an opportunity to try. I get the impression that you are close to your parents. They are your family, and they may be able to give you the love and support you need. They also may be able to provide you with any other help you need or help you find it. You do not have to go through this alone.
My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.
"Lord, please help my children save themselves."
|03-24-2012, 06:39 AM||#8 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington, DC
|03-24-2012, 10:17 AM||#9 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Mayflower, AR
Blog Entries: 3
I also read every word of your posts. The first one made me cry and wish I could make it go away for you but I can't. The second one made me angry. You poured your heart and soul into the first one. You exposed your pain and angst in this forum. My guess would be you realized what you had done and "tried to take it back". We don't know you, we don't know what happened to you but I am very sorry it did. I am also new here and am willing to give these men and women the opportunity to help me through this dark place I am currently in. I also hope someday I will be able to lead others. Don't give up, please?
|The Following User Says Thank You to ladybug77 For This Useful Post:|| |
|03-24-2012, 07:47 PM||#10 (permalink)|
Grateful but still smarting
Join Date: May 2009
Blog Entries: 24
What a very sad, frustrating and difficult time you are having. It's painful just to read it, so unfair.
Are you able to get any counseling to help process the traumatic experience so it does not continue to drain you of your life?
You are doing a great job of pulling your life together, but it sounds like you have very few if any people in your F2F life that you can talk to.
A therapist might help, and of course, please post here as well. Let out the hurt, and let in the hope.
I think that hope and a smidgen of faith preceed trust. You are not alone here, or misunderstood. Please share what you need to in order to process all you are going through, and to get encouragement for all you are doing to recover.
|04-07-2012, 01:45 AM||#11 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2012
brokenheart: I became extremely close to my parents in the last year I lived at home. Closer to them than I had ever been in my life. My father became the best friend I ever had due to our similar interests and we spent tons of time together. I'm sure you can imagine how much that means to a young man in his early 20's.
I also became much closer to my mom and brother. But ultimately I feel like that only made how I feel now, after having just moved away from home again, much much worse. I used to walk to a nearby park with my dad and play catch with a baseball. Now I just stand in my backyard for about an hour several times a week and throw a baseball up into the air and catch it. I don't know a single person here who plays baseball. I also don't know anyone who enjoys the same old TV shows or music that I do other than my dad.
Ladybug77: You're right. I immediately regretted my decision to post what I did. I feel that way every time I say or post ANYTHING that has even the slightest amount of personal information about my life or emotions. I don't know why that is but I know part of it is extreme paranoia. I never experienced such paranoia until that traumatic event happened to me. Now I live with it every day. Every time I even hear the slightest noise outside I have to look outside through my window blinds to make sure no one is messing with my car or approaching my house.
Threshold: I am extremely reluctant to see a therapist for several reasons. One: my insurance is through my parents and I simply refuse to to do anything which would alert them to my current suffering. Two: I have spent well over a hundred hours of my life studying psychology. I have an extremely good idea of what I am going through. I was once even close to minoring in psychology but dropped that minor. I know what psychologists will say. They really can't offer me anything other than a friendly ear for me to lay my problems upon. I've seen psychologists before and it was the same thing. They didn't tell me **** that I didn't already know.
Finally, to everyone: I know religion or a belief in a higher power is a big thing here. To tell the truth I was one of the most religious people ever in high school. I read the entire bible in less than a month. No joke. I wanted to become a youth minister. Well that dream changed and after that traumatic experience I pretty much gave up on my faith and religion. About half a year ago I began praying every day again and reading a devotional. But about 2 months ago I quit. I don't know why. Every time I prayed I asked for the determination to keep praying every day and reading a devotional and my bible. But as my depression, anger at life, PTSD symptoms got worse, and my grades all slipped to failing I just gave it up. It just makes me feel worse about myself....
Also, This was pretty much my last week to turn my grades around. I have two tests this coming week and sure enough more **** happened to me. One of my eyes has been hurting tremendously in the last 4 days. The first 2 days I thought it would go away. After that I got really worried and I have an appointment scheduled for Monday morning. I can't even read a textbook or look at my monitor for more than 30 minutes (right now I have a homemade patch over my eye but it's extremely difficult to focus on things with only one eye). So basically it came down to crunch time (which I normally work best in) and I was granted with another physical problem which will likely mean me failing my two tests this week.
BTW, before this eye problem; in the last 5 years I have had foot surgery, extensive hip surgery for a torn muscle as well as a bone deformation, and now this eye problem. I used to run 6-8 miles a day. Running was my life. I haven't run in over 2 years now. Now I can't even see.....
I was also told over the phone with the eye doctor when I scheduled my appointment that the symptoms I described sounded severe and were extremely dangerous. So what the hell am I supposed to do!? I suffer I from PTSD symptoms which includes being paranoid. I have done nothing but worry about this since scheduling my appointment.
**EDIT**- I have actually been compared to Isaac from the Bible by many of my relatives. I was also in a bad car accident (rear ended, not my fault) and several other injuries also not my fault. I feel like literally everything has been stripped from me. Not 4 months goes by when something else terrible happens.
I really don't think I am going to pass any of my classes this semester. What will I tell my parents who are helping finance my current semester? What will I tell myself? What will I tell my stupid college adviser next semester when he assumes I was just doing drugs, partying, or playing video games the whole time?
: - (
Last edited by needhelp55; 04-07-2012 at 01:49 AM. Reason: quick addition
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