no subject

[not]

I hate this feeling of not knowing what to do. So mabey you all can give me some hints.

I sometimes get so down in the dumps nothing can cheer me up. My arms get heavy and I just want to cut them to lighten them up. But I never would. So, even though I haven't done this either, I want to do drugs to distract me. Then since I know I wouldn't do that either I just want to die. Like just lay down and die. I could just sit in this chair I am in right now and that would be it. It would take so much effort to even get a drink. Things that I would think would make me happy don't. I had to take a state exam to pass this math class and I did. It is pass fail. If you have a 100% in the course and failed this test you fail the class... So I get my results and I passed. I didn't even care. I kept telling people how happy I was but I don't feel happy. I don't care... Is that not something I shoud care about? I don't care about anything... School, work, playing my guitar or even surfing. Nothing. Why do I not feel human? I thought about seeing a counselor except the one I picked I don't like so now I have to find another and I am not the richest person in the world. I hate Christmas... I don't think I like anything. Some help might be nice but i don't even know... I just want to say f-it all.

[phoenix]

Hi and welcome.

If you have not yet done so,please consider getting medical help.What you are experiencing sounds like clinical depression.I have gone through it myself.It can be very scary,but fortunately it is usually something that responds well to treatment.I hope you will get some help.Let us know how it goes...k?

phoenix

[Juls]

Welcome Not,

I agree with Phoenix, it does sound like you are suffering from clinical depression, and there is help for that. If you are in school you can probably go through the counseling center. You don't have to feel like this. I know it is hard to ask for help, but you are worth it.

Please do it for yourself.

Juls

[not]

Even doing it for myself doesn't seem worth it. Is it possible it is just hormones? I am a female... Maybe counseling will just help?

[phoenix]

The first step would be a thorough physical to see what a doctor has to say.Counseling can be helpful,but it probably isn't going to be enough on it's own.

I can tell you that I once felt just as hopeless,and as worthless as you do now.But my depression turned out to be easily treated,and now I feel strong and capable,and happy.

Don't give up without a fight.You may not feel right now that it's worth it...but that in itself is a symptom of depression.Give yourself a chance...k?

phoenix

[woodtick]

Hi not, welcome to the board. Glad you could make it.

Everybody that has posted is absolutely correct that you need to see a doctor. You don't have to live the way you are living. It is not normal. Your condition, which I also believe is depression, is so treatable with medications and therapy. Many people out there are suffering from depression for no good reason simply because he or she doesn't seek help. I see both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. The psychiatrist perscribes/monitors my meds and gives advice on improving my therapy along with generally keeping track of how I'm doing. My therapist, a psychologist, basically analyzes my thoughts and feelings and tries to understand who I am and how I got this way.

I saw my therapist this morning as a matter of fact. We talked for over an hour about me and my life. I suffered from depression for many years. Like you I extracted no satisfaction or pleasure from life. I got angry often and drank booze to escape. It took me a long time to progress to that point and honestly, it took a while to get back to normal. I'm at a point now where I don't take antidepressants anymore, just meds for my ADHD.

Once again I beg you to see a mental health professional and tell him or her exactly what you told us. Don't be embarassed, ashamed, guilty, or shy about it. Don't skirt the truth, you will only hurt your recovery. On the same token, only talk about what you feel comfortable with. I found that in time I built a trust with my therapist. I learned that the more I told her the better she could understand me and help me.

You did not make the choice to feel how you are feeling and it's not your fault. It just happens and those in the profession understand that. You will find compassion and help if you seek it.

If for some reason you aren't feeling comfortable with your therapist, try a different one until you find one that you make a connection with. It took me three tries at the clinic I go to before I hit gold.

Do you have health insurance? If you don't you need to try to find coverage because I don't know anybody that can afford treatment without it, assuming you will need treatment. In some states you can contact the social services about cheap or sometimes free medical insurance. I live in Minnesota and we have a program called Minnesota Care. Insurance premiums are based on your income/ability to pay if you qualify. Contact your school's financial aid department and ask about health insurance for students.

Please get going on this asap. It is highly unlikely your problem will go away. You could get much worse if you fail to act.

Keep coming back here and let us know how you are doing. You will find many friendly people who have been where you are and can give good advice.

Take care,
Wood