missing him...

[dotcom]

hi its me again

today i was really thinking about how much i miss my ex. i have to get it all out here because my fam and friends would be worried if i told them.

i was 18 and him 34. we used together. he was an alcoholic/tweaker/pill popper/heroine addict. i never liked downers or pills, so i stuck with my crystal.

sometimes, we'd go places and he'd be the sweetest guy in the world! never have i met such a gentleman. he bought me some expensive gifts...he was the first man who ever did anything so nice for me. but then there was the mean side. the side that liked to threaten, yell, scream at and abuse me. the side that threw knives and cans of soda at me.

hed have a friend over and everything would be fine...and then out of the blue hed be accusing me of flirting with the guy. next thing i knew he was flinging my purse at me, threatening to beat my face off if i didnt leave immediately...then the next day hed be begging me to come back.

once during one of his mood swings, he threw a bag of food i had just purchased at the drive through out the window. i was so scared because he was screaming i didnt want to upset him. i was hoping i could just get him to his house so hed get out of the car and i could leave safely. those minutes felt like hours, i felt so vulnerable and alone.

i realize it was my choice to stay with him throughout that mess. why? i was a junkie and i made poor decisions for myself. but the loss still hurts. i cant decide whether these feelings are coming from the fact that im abstaining from sex (not meaning to be nasty) and im just reaching out for any "sexual contact" or what?
he was the last person i had intercourse with and that may have something to do with it.

oh gosh, it sort of feels better to get that out. its hard being 19 and abstaining! thanx for listening

dotcom

[Lilya]

Dotcom,

I feel for you. This is very painful.

Relationships like the one you just described are toxic, so they become like a drug. Your fascination with the man is based on fear and excitement, which releases a lot of adrenaline in your body. The adreanline, in turn, decreases the level of depression. In the long run it´s very toxic for the body.

It´s the highs and lows that account for the drama and excitement in the relationship, so it´s hard to find another man who can provide for so much. But it´s based on toxic chemistry and everything built on sand cannot really last.

True human values, such as integrity, loyality and true love last longer.

I was once like you, very much in love with a man, dangerous and exciting, 11 years older then me. We quarreled, and I never knew hos he would be from one day to the last. When we made up, the passion was overwhelming. That´s why I loved him so much, or to correct myself: That´s why I was in love with the fantasie he provided. He asked me to marry him, we bought the dress, got the church and invited all those people, but then he left just before the wedding, resulting in a serious breakdown for me.

Let me know how you´re doing. Remember that we get over things, if we love and respect ourselves enough. You´re only 19, and you have your whole life before you. Don´t worry, there will be other men.

Use adversity

[Justme57]

((((((((( dotcom))))))))) I feel so sad for you dotcom, I am much older than you, but I , too, am not exempt from such feelings . As I am newly sober , I have yet to experience a " healthy " relationship. I returned to toxic situations time and time again.

Just think , love, at 19, and clean, the world is at your feet ! When you are feeling stronger , you will be able to make healthy choices for yourself . imagine , to have a wonderful relationship, that is trusting and healthy , and Nurturing ! You have all that before you !

Good Luck girl,


lilya : I love reading your posts , you are so wise , and articulate , you have helped me a great deal

HUGX
Lee

[dotcom]

thanx lilya!

it feels good to know that im not the only one whos been in that situation. what you wrote about adrenaline, toxic chemistry and decreasing depression was very helpful. he was in a way my other drug of choice. i left my bf of 3 years to be his prisoner, although i liked being his "object". i havent really been able to look at the situation without anger being my first reaction until now. i am sad about it. but im not sad really that im not with him anymore, im just sad that the "fantasy" is over. theres nothing now for me to chase after and like you were saying, theres no more drama and excitement.

my fear of men, and the fact that im still finding "me" has kept me from having any sort of relationship with a man. not including my relationship with my father and grandfather. mostly im afraid. very afraid of him still. why? i dont know. while in the first 5 months of recovery, i had trouble sleeping, because i was sure he'd come in the middle of the night and slash my tires (he's done that before to random peoples cars because he was so paranoid).

i try not to let him control my thoughts still, and have made some progress. although, i find myself redecorating my room to look like his that we shared (and that he locked me in for hours). and i find myself buying cds that he listened to even though i dont have much interest in his music interests. even find myself cooking meals he used to cook for me. dont know whats up with that...lol.


thanx for the encouragement lilya! its almost thanksgiving and i have so much to be thankful for. i think ill be thankful that hes out of my life and that i have found such support on this site. its still going to be rough, but this too shall pass. and ive got to keep praying and reading the bible and asking GOD to help me!

thanx so much

[dotcom]

hi justme!

that was weird. i replyed to lilya and it was right after her post, and your post hadnt shown up yet! but anyways, thank you so much for your reply. i do feel greatful that im young and fortunately i havent had any kids, so pretty much theres no strings attatched.

its so painful though, like its cutting right through my heart. but its a good thing to finally feel the grief. for awhile i couldnt feel anything and my therapist kept "prodding" me for feelings but i couldnt identify any. i havent got up the courage to tell her about the "details" of the relationship. i have to a certain extent, but not all.

isnt it great to be sober and in recovery? i know id be right back in that craziness had i not cleaned up my act.

thanx again and GOD BLESS

dotcom:p i thought this little blue smiley was so cute!

[Lilya]

Dotcom,

It´s normal that you´re afraid. You´ve been through a passionnate rollercoaster and be prepared that the fear might stay with you for some time. Your trust was violated, because you were sometimes afraid of him, and it takes a lot of work to reclaim yourself, so you can explore other relationships and find someone special which is better for you.

I can see you´re doing great. Don´t hit yourself for being still very influenced by him. These things need to settle. Like Justme says very wisely, the world is at your feet. Let some time pass, go through your grief and you´ll be over him before you know it.

:council:

Thank you both for your kind words and keep up the good work!

Use adversity

[dotcom]

thanx lilya

do you have any suggestions for "ways to grieve" ? im not sure if my question is specific enough, but im thankful for any suggestions. a lady in my 12 step said she rents a cabin for a weekend and grieves...but how does she grieve? just crying? i think im not sure id feel safe with just myself and my sadness. and im not able to afford renting a cabin. thanx again! GOD BLESS

dotcom

[Juls]

dotcom,

coming here and writing down your feelings is an excellent way to grieve. If you feel like crying cry, if you feel like writing write. Keep in mind though it was a fantasy, and the reality is a good, healthy relationship does not hurt, and does not leave you scared. You will find a man that knows how to treat you, and don't settle for less.

I have been in an addictive relationship as well. That emotional rollar coaster is hard to get away from. It took me years, so you are ahead of the game. Young, sober, so much possibilities for you. Please take advantage of them, you deserve it.

Juls

[dotcom]

thanx juls

im having trouble seperating fantasy from the reality. its not that i dont recognize it, just when i get thinking about the "us that used to be" i get sidetracked with all the fantasy. does that make sense? then when i want to cry, my feelings change from moment to moment and i dont know if im going to cry about the fantasy or what it really was...the bitter reality.

besides the fact that i havent cried about this old relationship (not including while i was still involved) yet other than today...and that was only four tears that didnt even really form. im probably just making this more difficult than it should be, i dont know.

i havent had much of a good cry since my grandma and dog (had dog for 10 years) passed away. im afraid to show that emotion around my mom and dad. maybe i dont want them to think anythings wrong? i think if i think about this during the day that i might not be able to control my emotions and then all my coworkers would see. not that they arent nice. could be my control issues? perfectionism? needing to give off the impression im invinceable when the irony is ive already shared with most about my addiction, etc! lol...go figure. i crack myself up.

well, that was very therapuetic. i think ill print this out and give it some more thought.

dotcom

[dotcom]

two more tears. four more tears. ahhhh...im becoming sensitive! lol...like i wasnt already!:p

.com

[Juls]

dotcom,

I can rarely cry in front of others, but sometimes when I think I need to cry if I play some sad music the tears will come. It doesn't matter what your crying for, the fantasy or the bitter reality, both are reasons to cry. I don't know if your making it more difficult than it has to be, these things are difficult.

It will get better in time, or as is said in the rooms "this too shall pass." Learn from this experience and it will not have been wasted. Learn how to set boundaries for yourself in any kind of relationship. Know that you deserve to be in a good healthy relationship, that you are worth it. That is one of the most valuable things. Appreciate your own worth, and others will too.

Juls

[dotcom]

thanx again juls!

im on the 4th step now, so ill be writing a lot about all the bad things ive done. i cant recall what the 4th is at the moment, but i know itll help. today i just feel like putting those thoughts of him "back on the shelf". i dont know. im going to see my sponsor this evening and hopefully go over the 4th and maybe my feelings about this. thanx again!

HAPPY THANXGIVING AND GOD BLESS!

dotcom

[Lilya]

Hi Dotcom,

Add a few sad movies to what Juls suggest - check our thread Movieclubs for depressives - and the tears will float. It´s so much healing and peace to gain from that and it releases the tension you´ve been holding inside.

When I grieve, I usually just lie down and let the sorrow overtake me. I feel good being alone with such a powerful emotion; it´s almost like being alone in nature. I don´t do it in front of others, but use the time alone to cry. Then it passes, probably because I don´t suppress it. I speak very openly about myself and I´m not inhibited and I find this has really helped me in recovery.

Happy Thanksgiving - I know it´s now this holiday in the States - and I know many people find it hard. There is something about holidays that makes us sad, but I hope you will use the weekend to rest and do moral inventory, a very important step. Useit to get to know yourself better and what kind of man YOU would really like!

Use adversity

[dotcom]

hi lilya

you have been a lot of help. i love movies! ill definately be checking that post out. shawshank redemption is my fav!

yes, the holidays are depressing. but i have so much to be thankful for. i had a wonderful turkey day! my friend came to see me and we have been eating turkey for the past two days!! woo hoo!!

i had a rough time the night before though. i went back to my old play ground, but thankfully i didnt use! praise the Lord! well, thanx for the reply!

GOD BLESS

dotcom