It was always the depression and anxiety...

[2stop]

You know even though I have been an addict since I was ten, the real problem for me is/was being so damned depressed and crazy in the head. This is what I must battle/fight/win...I made such a mistake with moving my mother up here. She is really making the rounds. bad mouthing, telling people she is concerned with mu kids welfare!! I am so upset over this. The panic attacks are unbearable today. I am close to ordering xanax and saying to hell with it. I have to have some sanity, something besides pain and nervous tension every damned minute. I have tried faking it soooooo hard. I can't be fake anymore!! Forget about the issues with my mother..I can not drive anymore from panic/agoraphobia1! I have to fling myself out the door to even get cigs and several times the past few weeks I could not even go get cigs I was that scared. I have always (until past few years0 been able to force myself. I always confornted the fear and did it anyways. I am so upset right this minute I cannot see straight, My dad is in the hospital calling me every few hours telling my they gave me klonopin, oh they just gave me 2 percocets...then another call..talk talk atalk..they just gave a shot of morphine!! Like a loyal addict I am salivating at the very thought. I AM WEAK!!!!! and nobody telling me I am strong will chang e the facts thaT i Cannot FUNCTION WELL IN LIFE.....I am so sorry to vent like this, just need to do something before I lose my mind. I honestly think I am losing mymind..and that shames me to no end it really really does. antidepressants do not work on me anymore. I have taken about every one of them...I don't want to be addicted to xanax but good grief what am I gonna do about the panic attacks?? I am just about to lock myself in my room and sleep for a week I am so exhausted with trying trying trying...I am a mental misfit and I should never be offering anyone advice or encouragement when I am FAKING my own well-being most of the time....I am amsory if you just read this BS....I am also sorry I am so weak as a human being, but I know in my heart how hard I have tried. It's the only thing that comforts me...knowing I gave it my best....

[phoenix]

Tammie........I am hugging you really tight.You are a beautiful human being.It's just hard for you to see it right now.

love you,

phoenix

[2stop]

Thank you Phoenix, I don't want to give up but I am feeling like I am giving out..the fear is like a mountain crashing on top of me..and I can't outrun it...I can't. And I feel if I don't move forward somehow someway I will die...and I will have ruined not just my life, my family. I love my family so much..I cannot function. Just walking to school with them..I love to walk, but the fear..the panic when someone walsk by..I speak, they think I am friendly and cool yad ayda..but inside I am destroyed..and the cycle just goes on and on and on....How did I get to wheer I cannot drive??? I loved to drive..I miss it so much...many times now I cannot even ride in a car..it is that bad...I really knew I was cracking up when i couldn't even walk one house away and buy cigs..went through nicotine withdrwal because I could not walk out my door..I don't know what to do..there's so much pain in my head, my heart and my physical self isn't much better. The pain...how do I cope with the pain? I am praying but I don't believe at the moment....how do I belieeve again when I don't care keeps my head full?? I am scared, and so tired...I can't cry. I have to do something, I just don't know what yet.

[2stop]

I don't have a bad life..I have a diseased brain, and a pathetic track record of taking life on life's terms. I am the idiot in all this, my life, my kids are THE BEST kids in the world, my husband is a good man, I have a nice home, I don't mind being poor in money at all.......I mind being too sick in the head to take care of my family and home..and my stupid stupid self brought my mother up here...and the crazy carnival is in full swing...my kids' school is her war zone now, teling their teachers all kinds of lies about me..he said my kids were wonderful and he told he didn't see any evidence of what she was saying..but it hurts so bad...

[Lilya]

My dear Tammie,

Listen Beautiful, you´re just going through a really bad panic attaque. You´ll be fine. You have so much strength in you, no matter what you might think right now.

I think you´re mother is a real trigger here. Mine can definately make me nuts and I start functioning like a juvenile again when I´m around here. She makes me sometimes want to break the law again, can you imagine!

But I owe it to my recovery not to.

I´m lighting an apple and cinnamon candle for you. Here are some flowers as well. Let me know how you´re doing. We care about you.

:redrose :redrose :bluerose

Use adversity

La vie est un rêve, c´est le réveil qui nous tue. Virginia Woolf

[2stop]

Thank you Lilya...I do feel like a juvenile..and doing something to REALLY give her a reason to talk about me..LOL..oh my..at least it made me laugh. I do not like how strong my emotions are being clean and sober. Almost took a nice shot of Tequila, but was only enough for one good shot left so left it alone.. I actually wanted to drink til I passed out! For shame!! :o I hope this does pass..I always truly feel it won't. I have so much to be thankful for..but my brain, my thinking..why can't I straighten it out?? I don't know how I got so bad...I justw antn to drive again, walk freely in public...and work..take my kids to fun places..I feel I have failed them so much..and it breaks my heart. it brings tears right now..my daughter craves to have a social life..and I so want to give it to her. We have some really neat stuff in the area....I do go out as much as I can, I let theer friends come over..there friends always love it at ou house, but I always think if they knew how crazy I was...nobody would come into my house...I am grieving me, the real me that IS vinrant and outgoing, and social..and energetic......I feel so dead inside, I feel grief. It's shameful and self pity I know. but I have to get it out. My mother didn't even know I had a hysterectomy at 26, 5 years ago..she says I don't remember. She always acyed like to outsiders she was the "perfect" mother..but dear God, she would limit how much toilet paper you could use, take light bulbs out of yoru room if you forgot to shut off the light, kicked me out to the streets when i was pregnant, ran me over with her car..through all thsi I still think..she loves me..she has to she's my mother...but now the grief stes in..and I have to somehow comes to terms that I do not have a mothet..and I will be fine without her..Yes! this is what I will write out in my journal..and let myself feel the pain...it just hrts so bad. I still revert to she will kill herself if I make her mad..I have to save her..I cannot save her..I am having ahell of atime saving myself! LOL..Thank you girls. I love you all so much.. Couldn't make it without ya.

[Mamabear]

Tammie,

Have you ever had an eval in a larger city? I'm fairly familiar w/ where you live and I can't think of a large health clinic that is close. Would a trip to Phila or New York or Balt be feasible. This may sound silly but I'm very serious w/ it.... I know a therapist who works in a large clinic in the Baltimore/DC area andspecializes in shyness, fears and social phobias. She's about our age. Let me know if you'd like the referral.
There are people out there who can handle dual diagnosis and respect addiction issues. They are hard to find but are there. You needn't walk alone.
Don't get concerned if I'm not here frequently. Rememeber I'm computer challenged these days.
Hey here's a big
((((((((((hug)))))))))))just for you. This too will pass.
love,
Michele

[ksos]

Tammie...

We are here for you on the forum. All of your stuff is kicking up and remember, it's only a feeling and it too, shall pass. It's okay to freak out here, but don't order the Xanax. It's okay to talk about the urges stirred up by hearing the words, Morphine, Klonopin, Dilaudid, whatever. Just don't act on it.

You need to know that you are a special being for your kids and for yourself. You have a problem with extreme anxiety and there is help. You know this and would be telling me the same thing. I was dx'd with Panic Disorder in the early 90s and eventually was on 14 mgs of Klonopin. This is the worst withdrawal you can imagine and I went through it with opiates, too. You know what this feels like, my friend. Don't do what you will regret.

Stop beating up on yourself. I'm sure there are several people that have done that for you, already. You are not a bad person. You are not evil. You need support right now. You have mine.

[2stop]

Thanks ksos.....I am reminding myself that the drugs and the withdrawals ARE hell on earth. I have detoxed alone so many times from so much dope...yuck...but then my head says yeah! But living like this is worse, no relief whatsoever.....isn't a few days better to have SOME relief than not at all...OMG it drives me insane. I want to cope without pills. I really do..I am concerned my dad will be sent home with klonopin and percocet...and he will bring me some to "help" I started out with his pills of his at ten yrs old......you would think I would be smart enough to sy NO...BUT i AM AFRAID I will be weak. I sm praying like mad about it all..I am just scared. Thanks for the encouragement. I truly appreciate it.((((((Hugs)))))))

[2stop]

I just read my post again..and you know what? My goal this week is to surrender to the fact I CANNOT use, no matter what..or this cycle of anxiety and depression will never end. That's my goal.

[51anna]

Tammie,

I wish I could help, but I don't know what to say. It actually sounds like making peace with your relationship with your mother would be helpful for you. She's not going to change and you can't turn her into the mother you want and need. So letting go of that could be good for you. What you can do is be the kind of mother you want to be for your kids. They need you and you're good for them. So hang on.

Hugs and love,
Anna

[2stop]

Anna, you are so right! I have to let go...I have to make something good come out of my life, the pain and all...I have to build up my reserves and fight on...Thank you Anna.

(((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))

[Mamabear]

Can you get to a meeting, my dear 2stop? Are you still able to catch a ride?
And you didn't answer my question about an eval. Interested?
praying for you,
mamabear

[2stop]

I am sorry mamabear, I posted earlier..it didn't show up. Yes, I am very interested in this lady therapist you speak of. I would love to have her name..and I will see what I can do.
I cannot go to a meeting tonight. I must catch a taxi tomorrow to do some business and I am sick to my stomach over it. I will get through this...then watch out world! Here I come!!LOL..I do feel better tonight than I did earlier...just have to really store up on coping techniques and use them over and over til I get it. Thank you so much, you are very kind.(((Hugs)))

[ksos]

Tammie...

I am still going to remind you that you are in relapse mode right now. You're thinking about your father's pills, fantasizing about getting high, thinking about what a Percocet would feel like, and this is dominating your thoughts. You are not crazy, but you are an addict in trouble, my dear friend. I am being hard on you only because I know what it feels like--all of us do.

Do this. Remember how it felt to withdraw from your DOC, espcially opiates? Imagine getting hooked back onto them and having to go through it all over again? The body aches, the sickness, the cramps. Xanax? You'll be back at square one with those in no time. You'll be stoned out of your mind and unable to care for your little angels. Worst of all, you'll be letting yourself down, which you don't need. You beat up on yourself too much as it is.

Call those people that took you to the meeting that night and have them pick you up and do it now before you use. You need some solace and peace. Go to a meeting, Tammie. This is exactly the plan you need to do, since I know that it helped you when you finally went. And use those phone numbers. Call one of the meeting people. Do this for yourself.

[2stop]

I appreciate your honesty ksos. It's hard for me to imagine anyone being too hard on me...I am by far the hardest on myself...but in a negative way. You guys are doing it because you care, I understand that. Yes, you are right, the thought that maybe just maybe a pill will fix what ails me pops into my head all the time. I still don't have my NA book back. I better call that girl. The last time I called she wasn't going to a meeting that night...so the good and loyal addict I am..I thought well, she just doesn't want to take me..I undestand that.Don't want to be a burden! Like I am not already, but hey..that's how my reasoning goes. I am a burden as an obsessing addict. I sure can't function properly when my focus is on the dying last hope that a pill will be my elixir in the end. That the "magic" they once granted me will come back, but it is now turned to voodoo- like medicine and curses upon my soul. I think I must work on grieving the pills. It would reaffirm the fact that I must not use them anymore. I am holding out false hope, I know that.. ..but I also find myself rationalizing the fact that depression and anxiety/panic were the reasons I started using...and if I just find a cure for it, or effective treatment I will be fine....all 20 years of using will be over and forgotten I guess is what I am thinking. I am thinking too much again. Better to just DO something....my rambling on and on is not giving me any clarity. Just muddying the waters more...

[ksos]

Tammie...

I think that you are going to have to grieve the loss of temporary relief that the pills gave you--but rejoice in the freedom that not taking them gives you, too. You and I seem to have this thing with pills. I know this from reading your posts. We love narcotic painkillers, benzos, even that freaking Ultram, which is a pain in the you know what. I loved dope, downers, whatever. But the pain of that withdrawal--think about it. Is it worth lying in bed shaking for weeks? What would that do to your good work that you've made thus far?

Urges kick up in all of us. If Percocet, Klonopin, or anything else that we've used was safe and harmless like water, we wouldn't have lost so much of our lives to the pain that these drugs caused. I have also had urges, lately, especially knowing that if I invited myself to my mother's home, I could just go to her bedroom and sneak 100 pills of whatever I wanted without her even knowing, since she is so spaced out. She'd just go to one of her rich doctors and get a refill and pay him in cash. That's not a good place for me. And, there are times that the urge gets really strong and I pick up my blue book or call my sponsor.

I know that you know all of this. You just need a gentle, yet firm kick in the butt sometimes Like we all do.

[2stop]

LOL!! You are absolutely right ksos....I really do need a kick in the derriere....a lot lately!! LOL!!! Thank you ksos, after reading your posts those pills just don't seem as enticing. It's good for me to remember how awful and horrifying the withdrawal is, usually I 'remember" when the next detox sets in!!! Yikes!!!

I hope you will be at peace this holiday season, it must be so awfully hard for you. Sending (((((((((((warm hugs))))))))) your way...thanks for being a true friend in recovery. I appreciate your honesty. God Bless.

Fighting those cravings!!!!!

[ksos]

Tammie...

You're my friend in recovery as well. As addicts, we need to support each other, especially when we are at that brink. When we feel like it would help us so much if we took that pill. When we believe that a pill will make it better. When we start making rationalizations for using. This is when we need to come here or go to a meeting or call our sponsor.

The holidays will be tough for me but I've put a sober plan in place. I'll probably be a bit depressed and I'm expecting some old feelings to kick up, so I picked up newer NA meeting book, since half of the meetings in my area are no longer going on, and I will need to go. My therapist is also away for the week so I have to wait another week for counseling. It will be hard, but I have you folks as well....

[2stop]

((((((((((((((((Big Hugs))))))))))))))))

[ButterflyChaser]

Oh tammie, I know I'm pretty late at replying to this, but I haven't been on the boards lately, but here I am right now! Ü
Gosh to hear you like this, it brings tears to my eyes, cuz of the fact that I feel your pain, I feel the tension & anger, I KNOW what it's like to live with ANXIETY Attacks! Boy, do I know!! I got goose bumps while I was reading your post, cuz u sound alot like me. I know exactly what it's like to be so afraid to even go to the store for some cigs, I know that fear! (and I have no clue what I'm afraid of?? If you have any insight on "what kind of fear" that is, Please fill me in! Thanx!! lol Ü )
I feel the same about my anideppressant that I'm taking now, I feel it doesn't do a thing for me.

It's ok that you are venting like this! Heck you can't be perfect all the time! lol <---I don't mean that in a bad way at all. I promise. I'm just going by the way I am, I seem to be this "People Pleaser" fixing everyone else'd problems but my own, being Miss Happy all the time, (I hide behind my smile & jokes) But deep down I hurt & I have alot of anger too! & sometimes I'm just not happy! Ya know whjat I mean?

I REALLY REALLY admire you! I mean u always reply to other's posts here on the boards. (I've noticed alot) and that's pretty darn cool that u do that & how u care for others, WOW...Just by reading your posts & reply's ...always inspired me. You always are so posotive w/the BEST advice!
Sorry...don't know why I went way off track here, didn't mean to loose ya! lol
But, I know how u feel, well I can't say I actually know how you feel, but I can say this...I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND where your coming from.
If I seen you in person right now...I'd give you a GREAT BIG HUG, & tell you that everything will be OKAY! Cause it will!
I know it doesn't feel that way right now (or when ever you posted this when u were feeling like this!lol) Remember..."This too shall Pass" It's just temporary!
Love Ya Lots Girl!!
SMILE