feeling sad and lonely

[woodtick]

Today something triggered a strong urge to get a bottle of wine, a movie and a pizza. How nice it would have been to relax on the couch fill my stomach and catch a buzz. I think it was the fact that my wife didn't return any of my calls today and her cell phone was turned off. We haven't even been seperated for a week and already I'm feeling lonely. I had so many thoughts racing through my head all night. I started wondering why she didn't return my calls. Is she seeing someone already? Oh of course that's usually the first thought I guess. Maybe she just doesn't like me anymore. Maybe its just that her cell phone battery is dead. Either way, I'm sitting in my little house in the woods with no company but my dog and feeling sorry for myself. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Usually I'm so busy (ADHD) I just don't get this way. Prozac helps also. A lot of big events have hit me in these past two weeks and I think it all came crashing down today. I felt a sudden wave of insecurity, sadness, and lonlieness all at the same time. I guess it's just one of those bad days, but after writing this I'm starting to feel better already! I feel great knowing that I didn't give in to the urge. I guess that's what people mean when they say "one day at a time."

[Juls]

Hi Wood,

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife have seperated. Feeling lonely is quite normal. It's terrific that you were able to come here and post instead of giving in to the urge to drink. Please feel free to come here and post anytime about whatever you are feeling. You don't have to be depressed to post here, we like to hear when your feeling good also.

I don't know if it is a permanent seperation you are having, but it will take time to adjust to being on your own. However, loneliness can be a good thing. It can, as it has done tonight, force you to look at yourself. Learning to be alone is also a good thing. Even people who feel very complete within themselves though can still have times of loneliness. You have made a big step tonight in learning how to deal with an uncomfortable situation without using. Each time you do this you will get stronger.

We are all here for you, so keep coming back.

Juls

[nohiogal]

Hi Wood,

I know how you feel. I too recently seperated from a relationship and I know the sadness and lonliness you feel. A BIG :thumb up to you for not giving in. I did and realized later it was the worse thing to do. I know that a weekend of boozin it up did not solve anything it just made it worse. Dulling the pain only made it come back 2 fold when I sobered up. Hang in there

[ksos]

Originally posted by woodtick
Today something triggered a strong urge to get a bottle of wine, a movie and a pizza. How nice it would have been to relax on the couch fill my stomach and catch a buzz. I think it was the fact that my wife didn't return any of my calls today and her cell phone was turned off. We haven't even been seperated for a week and already I'm feeling lonely.

Woodtick...

Welcome! I'm in the same boat as you. My wife of 15 years filed for a divorce in June and we are now separated. I can really relate to what you are saying and I know that the loss of her can kick up the urge to get high, since you are only a week into it. This is a very, very hard time. Thankfully, you found the right place.

Like Juls told me once, loneliness is not a bad thing. It is a normal reaction to a situation. I feel lonely, but it has forced me to start changing for the better. As an addict, I am finally confronting things that I never thought of in my 40 years of existence on this planet.

This forum is a blessing for me. I also belong to another forum which addressed another addiction of mine, which led directly to my separation and I also am going to NA meetings.

There are terrific people here that give suggestions that work. I hope that you stay here for the support that you will get from them. When I first signed up here, I wasn't going to NA meetings, addressing my sexual addiction, or doing anything to get better. I'm not saying you did anything wrong, but you will reeceive support here. Hang in there, my friend. You're not alone.

K

[woodtick]

Thanks everybody. I needed that. I think this lonlieness is a time of forced reflection. I believe I'm more f***ed up than I am willing to admit. I'm glad I found this place I'm not afraid to be my real self and think out loud. I don't feel so alone in this world.

[Juls]

Woodtick,

I think most of us are more messed up than we are willing or able to admit. It takes time, and we can only recover a little at a time. That's why we say "baby steps."

I'm glad your not feeling so alone now. It is so good that you reached out here. Keep posting, and letting us know how you are. We care about you.

Juls

[Lilya]

Woodtick,

I´m sorry for your pain and I know how it feels, but I want to share with you how much I love the state of loneliness.

I´m forever seperated and not seeing anyone while I´m working on relationship issues, and at first, it felt awfully lonely, until I mastered the art of intensifying my loneliness.

This my sound strange, but actually it´s a time tested technique in my country. In my case, I watch depressing movies. It never fails and my spirit lifts after a while, because it´s too much!

I also do volonteer work with ex-cons and suicidals. I work on a Hotline. It´s great to help others, because then you help yourself.

There is a treasure chest hidden in loneliness. The first rule of business is activity. As soon as you set a goal, decide to do something, even just go for a walk for your health and be nice to your dog, you won´t feel lonely.

I will be studying soon famous writers and artists who went to prison - it´s part of a university project and a radio program and I´m looking forward to it. In most of these cases, real art was born in confinement.

Use adversity

[woodtick]

Well I fell of my horse so to speak last night. I had a real bad day. My wife called me from the Minneapolis airport. She had been out of town and that is why she wasn't answering her phone. We get to fly for free because she is an airline employee. I would imagine she went to California to see her ex-husband. I couldn't deal with my emotions so I used. I think I need more tools to deal with life right now. I can't keep diving into a bottle of shiraz everytime I get overwhelmed. I guess I'll move on and reset my sobriety date. Try again.
My dog is my only company right now. She is a real sweetheart. When I get upset she puts her head on my lap as if to say it's ok. I gave her a bath in my drunken state last night and let her sleep on the bed with me for the first time. I'm certainly not going to make a habit of that, she lays in the dirt and occasionly rolls in dead animal carcuses she finds in the woods.
I'm looking forward to getting back to school next semester. My wife asked me to take this semester off to finish my remodeling and construction projects. I miss the interaction with people. It's a great place to make new friends. All my old friends live in bars and drink a lot. I lost touch with them when I got married and I don't think I should contact them. They probably don't want me around anyways because I get so drunk they end up having to take care of me. I really have a problem with alcohol.

[ksos]

Wood...

I have a 14 year old Dalmatian who stinks like a rotten flounder, but she is always there for me, so I know what your baby means to you You are in a very vulnerable place right now, but I have to suggest to you what has been passed on to me from these terrific folks on the boards and my own newness into recovery. Involvement in the positive right now may be key. Go to meetings and get a male sponsor. I just finished writing to Lilya on another thread about how important it was for me to finally connect with a man in a healthy way.

Don't beat yourself up about the drinking last night because I know you knew that it would feel horrible the day after. And one of the most difficult things, it seems, is the constant wondering about where your wife was. It can drive you nuts and it is doing that, I think.

Do you have the Big Book, per chance? That's something you can dive into. Also, school is far off, unless your semester is starting now. For me, and I can only speak from the "I", getting busy keeps me away from the danger signs. One of the things that is bothering me right now is that I have received approval from my job to work Saturdays and Sundays, but it has to wait for another week for Human Resources to approve of it due to the overtime issues and me being a manager. I told my hospital that I'll work the extra 14 hours at my normal rate--no time and a half--just so I can finance a new place to lie, since my estranged wife and my kid are living in our house. But it's not only about money. It's about my mental health and the fact that I can still go to meetings after my work. By the time I'll be done, I'll collapse from tiredness, LOL!

Listen, Rome wasn't built in a day and this is a tough time. This forum is here and you're using it. And your pooch will love you no matter what

K

[woodtick]

K,
Yeh, my pooch is really a positive in my life right now. My little girl with bad breath!
My wife came over tonight and we had a long discussion. She's been really honest about everything since we seperated. She's been secretly talking to her ex for about a year now. I was absolutely correct in my assumption. She went to go see him. She said she needed closure but I just don't know. I don't understand why she's been talking with him for a year if she needed closure. I'm starting to feel like I'm playing second fiddle. She said they didn't have sex but they did make out. I believe her but that still sucks. I feel very disrespected. We weren't seperated but for a couple days and she's off to California. oofta. We started talking about reconcilliation but I don't know now.

[ksos]

Wood...

As the one who said to my spouse that I needed "closure" when she discovered that I had carried on an affair for one year with an ex-GF and lied about it, I can only imagine the hurt, betrayal, and deceit that you must be feeling. My spouse, to this day, feels so much anger, resentment, and betrayal regarding this and it happened 8 years back. Also, it was a telephonic affair, not a physical one, but as I learned in my SA forum, it makes little difference.

From the other perspective, however, I was the one who did it and said many of the same things that your wife may have said to you. The closure that we, as the ones who betray, is something that we really believe that we need; however, we don't. What is needed, in my opinion, is an intense examination in a therapist's office as to why this happened. "Making out" or making phone calls to ex-significant others warrants this. Again, I'm speaking objectively. I did this to my wife and I still love her very much. In fact, I am now only beginning to understand why I made the phone calls and why I perpetuated the myth of needing closure.

What I needed was an ego boost. What I needed is someone to continually tell me that I was wonderful in every sense of the word. What I thought I needed was this myth. And that's what propels an affair, in my opinion. Your wife may deeply love you, but she apparently needed something else when she met up with the ex. Only she can tell you and it is a good sign that she even told you the truth about the contact. Obviously, she senses some of the danger in this.

There are really many things about this that I can relate to, but I'm hesitant to speak to the affair issue as I was the culprit so to speak and am very new in recognizing why I did what I did. My wife is a beautiful, intelligent woman who possesses all of the quailities any man would want. She works hard, is dedicated, is a fantastic mother to our daughter, has lived in 35 countries and is fluent in four languages and yet, I constantly have hurt her. I am not worthy of her to begin with and yet I have hurt her for 15 years with my dishonest behavior.

My advice? It can only be to seek out counseling for the two of you. Reconciliation can only come if the issues are addressed between the two of you. You also have to address the drinking as well, Wood. Meetings, this board, and healthy activities are a start. I think that your wife needs help as well and I mean this as a positive statement. Something must have made you two fall in love with each other. Maybe you both can build on that and travel together on this journey. Maybe not, though. You and her have to really be in this together...

Ksos

[woodtick]

K,
Thanks for sharing and the support. It is very kind of you. My wife and I have decided that we aren't happy being married and probably never will be. We love each other very much and enjoy just hanging out together but disagree about basic decisions for our lives. We're great together when we pretend we are boyfriend and girlfriend. However, apparently I can't fulfill her life for her. She feels unfulfilled about every aspect of her life including but not limited to: her job, her marriage, her career choices, her failure to pursue her talents and her prospective future. My therapist told me that her cup is half full and I cannot fill it for her. Her system of reasoning brought her to the conclusion that the answer is divorce. I don't agree with her conclusion that her troubles in life will end when I'm gone but after everything that I have discovered during these last few weeks, I readily agree with a divorce. We have agreed on a property settlement that is very fair for both of us. Although I have no income and probably won't until I get a disbursement from my student loan until January, I believe when looking at the bigger picture, it is a good time to end the marriage.

Just after we got married my focus turned to securing a future for us. We bought a place in the country and started fixing things up. At the time I was working my day job and starting the remodeling after hours and on weekends. I was very busy and didn't have time to spend with her like I did preceding the marriage. The spare time I did have was spent only with her. I never went out to the bars or had contact with any friends. There are a handful of exceptions most of which she was out of town. I tried to make her happy for a while but about two years into the relationship we hit some large bumps in the road of life. I think I started to ignore her complaining and concentrated on our other problems in life. I thought if we could just get through all this other stuff things would calm down, we would have more time to spend together and she would be happier. I wanted to start doing more activities together but life’s callings temporarily prevented me from having the free time I also wanted.

Here is what happened. We were remodeling our house and building a garage at the same time. Our uncompleted garage blew down in a severe wind-snow storm. My insurance agent had sent me a letter three weeks earlier stating that I had 30k worth of coverage on the building. When I contacted the agent after the damage, he explained to me that we actually had no coverage on the garage and he had tried to contact me. Well, as you can imagine the whole thing got messy, attorneys and the whole nine yards. It took us a year to get any money out of my insurance agent and even then we still got screwed. All this started subsequent to my leaving my job as a lineman for a phone company to go to college. There were a few spots where money got tight and she started to panic. She blamed me for everything wrong in our lives and made me feel like a bad husband. Suddenly, the scenario of "I'll work and pay the bills while you go to college" turned into "you should have never quit your job." It's a bit more complicated than that but that's the jest of it.


In the period after I left my job, I attended a year of school with about a 3.9 average, worked contracting in the summers and made more money than her every year, remodeled a house, and rebuilt a very large garage. During this time she dumped shifts, used vacation, and called in sick so much that she is now one step from getting fired. She says she hates her job and can't deal with it. I get disappointed with her for not being more productive with her time off especially when there is so much work to do, then she gets mad at me for being mad at her. She was dissatisfied with me and let me know it all the time. I told her she was lazy and complained about everything. I'm not one to mince words when I've had enough. As you could imagine, she didn't take that very well and said I was mean to her. The more she complained, the worse our relationship got. Her personality leads her to assign blame when things go wrong. My personality works to resolve the problem. The only thing that made her happy during all this is when we would go out to eat at a nice restaurant and get bombed on wine. We started going out at least two and usually three times a week. You can see where our money was going.

This summer I got outbid on a very large contract so I used the time to work on our garage. I sold a less profitable part of my contracting business, cashed out my 401k's and lived off of that all of last winter and most of this summer. We knew we were in trouble some time after I was notified about the contract and decided we're headed for bankruptcy. I took this semester off school to finish the shop before we filed bankruptcy. She told me she wanted a divorce about two days after we filed.

K, I believe your thesis on what fuels an affair is absolutely correct. The perpetrator is seeking attention I believe. The transition period where our relationship started going awry is when the honeymoon turned into real life. The reality I see is that I cannot sustain a relationship giving her that level of attention and adoration unless I were independently wealthy and didn't have to work or deal with life's twists and turns. Are all women this for lack of a better word “needy?” I don’t think I’m capable of fulfilling a woman’s needs if this is so. Maybe they all aren’t this “needy”, but what if the one’s who aren’t are completely emotionally unavailable? Which is worse?

We are still going to be good friends. I really love her parents. I see no good in being bitter about what has happened. No kids, no pensions, just split the property and get on with our lives.

Yes this is a good time to work on myself and grow. I have finally decided my drinking is a problem in my life and I have to stop before it gets worse. It wasn’t so much a problem in our marriage. I was able to keep a lid on it for a long time but it is like trying to plug a dyke with your finger. The water comes out somewhere else so you use the finger on your other hand to plug that leak. Another leak starts so you use your foot. Pretty soon you’ve got water coming out everywhere and nothing to plug it with and any semblance of control is lost. I’ve tried to quit before only because I was ashamed of how drunk I got at some point in time. I tend to forget about those “episodes” after a while and start drinking again a little at a time progressively until I finally end up getting humiliating drunk again. I quit drinking for a while and the cycle repeats itself. This is the way it has been since I started drinking at age 13 or 14. This is not normal. This is not healthy. This is not living. I believe this is a form of alcoholism. Over the years I have gone to AA meetings by way of court order and didn’t care much for them. Maybe I wasn’t ready. What type of meeting would a guy attend as a beginner?

[ksos]

Hi Wood...

I read your post twice, as I was shocked to hear about the unfortunate events that have occured in your life. I am also supportive of you thinking about meetings and there are beginner meetings that I've gone to for NA--I'm sure that there are beginner AA meetings as well.

I would say that I am sorry for the divorce issue, but I'm not sure if that would be a help. You seem to be on the right path with a therapist and, from the description of things, some time apart from your spouse may be a good thing. I do have a question which may be silly to ask, but I will anyway. Are the two of you going for an un-contested divorce and have a trial separation period or is this a contested divorce? My reason for asking this is if the both of you wanted to live apart for a year, you can without a final divorce and I've heard it is cheaper to do it this way. My wife and I are doing it in this fashion, meaning uncontested. But there is another reason to ask. Having a separation agreement is not "final" (at least in NY) until one year after it is implemented and the parties agree to either reconcile or go ahead and divorce.

But that's not the most important thing. Your sobriety and well-being are. This is a bump in the road and from your last post, it seems like you and your wife have a game plan. You need to get a program for you, though. And when I say that, I say that every day to myself. I have to go to more meetings, even more than the couple I've managed do go to thus far. I always hated that first meeting before I went into the door and then, with consistency, ended up with a new sober network, phone numbers, and people who were there for me.

[Lilya]

Wood,
I realize this is a difficult time for you, but I also think it´s an opportunity for a much more rewarding life.

I have been in toxic relationships and before my recovery I always cheated on the men I lived with. I now know it was not only attention-seeking, but an immature way of dealing with commitment. I needed tension and excitement I didn´t get with the men I lived with, because I wanted every day to be a “party”. When I realized real life wasn´t like that, I found lovers. I needed, like Ksos, to be told in the first intoxication of lust that I was so beautiful, so desireble, any man´s dream. I now know I was every man´s nightmare! LOL. I also dumped the lovers when they began to see me in the cold light of day. Not once did I want them to see me as a good person with integrity. I was running away from myself and when I got sober, I was so angry I couldn´t drink and abuse drugs anymore, I needed even more “doses” of compliments. The husbands or the men I lived with were a point if stability for me, a save haven.

When I became active in SLAA and formed a women´s group in Paris to explore our shortcomings, the pattern changed. I am still celibate, as I´m dealing with some strong relationship matters with my group and therapist, but I guess my first step towards some degree of recovery came with my sincere desire to be esteemed by my inner values, not my outward image.

Women who have the habit of relating in an unhealthy way take on a variety of roles. When there is much inner conflict there can be no commitment. But as always, the first step towards wellbeing must come from you. You have now parted ways with your wife and I think it´s excellent. Next step would be toward fullfillness and I believe you can only get there sober. There is no real degree of alcholism and we are always beginners at first. The magic of the group is the variety of stages in recovery. There are always newcomers, who remind us who we are and where we have been, and we heal ourselves by giving to them what has been given to us, as we learn from them.

Good luck,

Use adversity

[woodtick]

K,
Our plan is to compose the uncontested divorce decree and sign/notarize it but not file it. Our bankruptcy attorney explained that our assets are property of the bankruptcy court until 30 days after our meeting of creditors. The assets cannot be legally divided until that 30 day period has lapsed. We intend to file the papers at that time. The one year deal sounds interesting but I don't think either one of us wants to prolong this situation any more than we have to. There is something that doesn't sit well with me if my legal wife was dating other guys. Personally, I don't plan on dating right away in order to work on myself. I want to be the best man I could possibly be when I start dating again. I have to address my drinking and other issues before I proceed. I think it would be a waste of time and emotions if I didn't.

My life has been a long string of short relationships with the exception of my wife. I have an inner voice telling me that a healthy, long-trem relationship has great rewards to reap. New lovers are very addictive, exciting and somewhat easy to come by. A lifetime partner is very rare.

You are absolutely right about my sobriety and well-being being the number one priority. I'm glad you brought that to my attention because I probably wouldn't have prioritized it in that manner without someone else telling me to. I'm going to start researching AA. Thank you, my friend!

Lilya,
Viva le France! as my friend the amorous Frenchman from Quebec used to say. I agree this is an opportunity for a better life for me. My wife is still at a place in her life where she is not able to conduct her end of a healthy relationship. When we met she had explained to me that she used to be a cheater and would never do it again. Her intentions were good at the time. I suppose mine would have been too if I had cheated on my last spouse with their sibling repeatedly. However, I do not believe she has the psyche to find fulfillment and is quite vulnerable to that behavior at this point in her life.

"a sincere desire to be esteemed by your inner values" I have never had a relationship with a woman that possessed that quality. If I did I was probably too immature to realize it. I have never known a relationship where I was proud of a woman for very long. I believe there may be a connection. I do know this: I could be proud of someone who had shortcomings of physical beauty but could never be proud of someone who had shortcomings of inner values.

My wife has been consumed by her appearance lately. She has even mentioned cosmetic surgery. She asked me if I thought she would be a "hottie" if she lost weight. She gained about 30 lbs after we got married. I have to admit she would be a knockout if she was slender but that would still leave her without being esteemed by her inner values. To me that is the equivalent to wearing a mask. I'm glad I'm not her. I think she has a long hard road ahead of her.

I thank you, ksos, and everybody else who has given to me on this board. I look forward to giving to others some day.

[ksos]

Originally posted by woodtick
My life has been a long string of short relationships with the exception of my wife. I have an inner voice telling me that a healthy, long-trem relationship has great rewards to reap. New lovers are very addictive, exciting and somewhat easy to come by. A lifetime partner is very rare.

You're right, Wood. And believe me, you can still give while you receive, meaning the support issue. Sometimes we don't realize that our posts which tell our life problems, also address others' problems.

Lilya and I spoke many times about our past relationships on this forum. I think that I once remember her speaking to the meaning of being alone and gaining so much from that experience. I have yet to attain that status as I've been the one who goes for the quick fix, addictive type of connections with others. As a result, I've thrown away, to this point at least, my lifetime partner. A long-term, healthy relationship does have great rewards. Sometimes, at least in my case, we don't know what we had until it's gone.

Sounds to me like you have a plan...