Which came first?

[nohiogal]

Hi, I have posted here once before about my drinking problem and yes.... I still have it. I have tried to stop and managed as long as 3 weeks but then started again. I am now at the point that I can not drink for days with out real bad cravings but always eventually drink again. I am now realizing how depressed I am. I am always tired, I can't concentrate, I feel like crying about once an hour at least. Am I depressed cause I feel I can't stop drinking or am I drinking because I am depressed? Am I the chicken or the egg?

Any direction or thoughts?

[Lilya]

Hi Tina,

Indecision is a difficult feeling and I feel for you. It´s by taking action and deciding to stay sober and start a new life when things get clear. Plus, drinking makes depression triple bad.

It took me about 15 years of drugtaking and daydrinking, plus being on the wrong side of the law to finally quit. I had been struggling with should I/ shouldn´t I for all these years when finally my Higher Power did it for me. I found myself after a blackout in a car with three strangers heading out to the country. To this day, I don´t know how I got in the car with them, but I managed to get away from them when they stopped for gas. I broke my skull in the process and woke up in Intensive Care in a terrible state.

I went to my first AA meeting after I got out and never looked back. Picking the pieces of my life took all of the 17 years I´ve been sober.

Now I have a life, a career, very good friends, a home, a broken family, yes, but a fun one. And I am finally at peace.

Take my word for it, it isn´t easy. I went alone through Cocaine and booze withdrawals and till this day, I don´t know how I did it, but I managed. So can you.

No one can take that decision for you. It has to come from deep within. But, believe me, it´s worth every pain it takes. You´re life will change and you won´t be the same person. You will meet new people and get a chance to do something meaningful with your life on a daily basis.

Use adversity

[nohiogal]

Lilya..Thanks for replying. Just having a really down day today. I have felt depressed at times but it seems much worse this time. I am only 34 and I feel like such a loser. I have been divorced twice (left both due to "their" drinking) and again just ended a 1 1/2 year long distance relationship. He left cause of my drinking. I never drank around him, I really never felt the urge when we were together, but we only saw each other every couple months.

I have gone out on a couple dates with my 2nd ex-husband (well not quite dates, more meeting at a bar) and I feel myself sliding backwards. I really have made progress on my attempt to stop drinking, I drink WAY less then I used to and not as often. I know I have a long way to go yet but I am trying.

But now this depression has come over me and if I am not sleeping or crying, then I am drinking. At this point I have no friends only my kids, my mom and my ex to even talk to. My kids are old enough (13 and 15) to know I have a problem but they are also at the age of building their own life with friends. My mother is always there and is my rock most of the time, but she has medical problems and if she worries about me that aggrivates them. And of course my ex who says.....awwww relax there is nothing wrong with you and hands me a drink.

I feel very isolated and alone. Sorry this post is so lengthy, just getting it all out.

Thanks for listening.

[Lilya]

Tina,
I know this is very hard for you right now, but you did reach out for help. I have been where you are, and I know it´s a difficult place to be.

May I suggest something? How about finding out about AA and Alanon groups in your area, go to meetings and check them out? It´s a big step and you may feel overwhelmed at first, but you would be taking care of yourself.

You are not a loser, so don´t saddle yourself with more negative feelings. But toughness is required to handle this disease, because it is a desease. I lost my children, one to Welfare, another to a cult, I lost many good men, but most of all I lost my self-respect. This disease can make you do unbelievable things. But the mind is a mystery. Why do people fall in love? Why do they do drink when they know it´s bad for them? Why do they stop? Handing your questions to a higher power, giving up is the only way I know out of this predicament. You owe it to yourself to start looking for solutions.

I´m not as hard as I sound, and I really do feel for you.

Let me know how you´re doing and look after yourself. A man who hands you a drink is asking you to stay the same so he doesn´t have to change - in my opinion.

I hope you´ll get better soon,

Use adversity

[nohiogal]

Lilya,

I am formilur with AA as my brother used to attend AA meetings and he was also in 3 different treatment centers so I know about Alanon. I have thought about going to a meeting but the thought just scares me to tears. I don't know why but I have a real anxiety over meeting new ppl and new situations.

I am just so down. I can't even concentrate. I can't over come the feeling that I am now a stray that got thrown away because I am to much trouble. I have lots of animals (2 dogs, 5 cats, 2 birds and a bunny) that I took in and adopted because their owners didn't want them any more cause they were to much trouble and thats how I feel. I feel left on the roadside. I guess thats why I turned back to my ex because he was like..ohhhh its ok..I'll take you. But thats just leading backwards. I really feel like I am slipping downhill rather than going up. I know it would be best to just cut off contact with him but I feel so alone. Like...well its not what is good for me at all but at least he wants me.

Oh well, just having a bad afternoon I guess.

[Juls]

Hey Tina,

WE WILL TAKE YOU IN, you don't have to feel alone anymore because you just joined a great website with all kinds of people who feel exactly like you. We care about you and what happens to you, and someone will always be here for you.

This place has saved my a**, believe me. Almost everyone has anxiety and panic before going to their first meeting. I had anxiety going to meetings for awhile, but I did not give up. I kept going. We have to make ourselves be strong, and do what is good for us, even when it hurts and is uncomfortable. Getting off drugs/alcohol hurts, but it is a temporary hurt, and when you start feeling better and getting recovery your life gets so good, you cant' believe it.

It's hard to say about the depression, and I don't know if why is all that important. The thing is is to do something about it. Stopping drinking is a first step, also getting evaluated by a Dr. and being honest with them about your drinking. A Dr. can help you with detox.

I am glad you came here Tina to reach out for help, be good to yourself and get more help too. Please keep posting to let us know how you are.

Juls

[Lilya]

Tina,

How are you today?

I want to suggest something. You have reached for help and you found this board. Juls is right, we are with you and you´re not alone. The fact you reached out for help is a big step. You´ll soon be ready for the next step.

I know how frightening it is to go to a group for the first time. Could you call the AA hotline - I´m sure you have one near you - and talk it over first? You´re secure and anonymity is assured. No one needs to know. It´s up to you.

If you want to get well, you need to show every bit of commitment to yourself as you did to the homeless animals you adopted. I like that - I have cats myself - and when I stay in my vacation place in the summer on an island not far from Africa, I take in black cats myself. Strays. I love them.

You go ahead and be kind to yourself. It really boils down to a simple choice: "Get busy dying, or get busy living." I´m not saying you´re going to die, but the path you find yourself on is downhill. Just take small steps and the rest will work itself out. One small step would be to make a note of contacting an AA hotlaine and then follow it through. The later, when you feel better, make a note of going to a meeting. It will work out well. Trust me on that one.

Let us know, we care.

Use adversity

[nohiogal]

Well I am feeling a little more motivated today. I guess 2 days of not boozing it up helps. I did drink on Tuesday and last night but only 2 glasses of wine both nights and then went to bed early. I have been so very tired. I woke up at midnight and couldn't sleep so I began thinking. Maybe I will go to a meeting Friday. I am very scared though. I am a very private person when it comes to my feelings. I usually bottle them up and hide them from everyone. I don't even discuss my family with co-workers and I am not close to anyone at work. I have no close friends. I drowned myself in my last bf and told him everything and shared everything that I basically blocked everyone else out but my mom. Not that I really had any close friends to begin with. I do not open up and have a hard time meeting ppl and new situations are scary to me. Heck if I am following a map and think I am going the wrong way I cry in fright.

My kids go to their dad's for the weekend and I have Friday night alone which is also one of the hardest times not to go out and hit the bars. Saturday my daughter has bowling so that keeps me out of trouble taking her there are then driving her back to her dads but then Saturday night alone and bar time again. The weekends are my hardest times when I am the weakest. Monday through Thursday the craving hits after work but if I get right home and keep busy till bed then I can cope pretty well. I also seen there is a chat at noon today Eastern which is right at my lunch time so I am thinking of tuning in.

[nohiogal]

Oh yeah..I also bought a book on Ebay... Tomorrow I'll Be Different: The Effective Way to Stop Drinking By Beauchamp Colclough. Has anyone read this book ?

Thanks

[Justme57]

Hi Tina , and welcome !
I know just how you feel in some respects , I too drank because I felt " cast out" ( still do) , i have also always been a very private person, and I think that that underlying feeling , contributed to my Alcoholism. In the last few months , i was just like you , i live alone , and found that when my days off came around , i closed my curtains , and DRANK! My depression became worse , and I isolated myself .
in a way , you are lucky to have your Mum, I only have 1 son, and 2 grandbabies, who I have not heard from in the last months , due to my drinking.
I went to my first AA meeting 14 days ago! ( gee thats 2 weeks sobriety ) and it was great ! No one pressures you to do anything , just sit and listen, and you will find them very loving and supportive
I find I need meetings , I go to at least 6 a week.
You hang in there tina, do not look at the next year , just the next day
You can do it !
HUGXXX
Lee

[Lilya]

Tina,

I´m glad you bought the book. Good going! This is an important step.

If you keep this up, little by little, posting here and reading about our disease, you will be in a meeting before you know it. We are all stronger than we think.

What Justme says is important. Don´t look at next year. Just this day, this hour. When I was going through my various drug/booze cold turkey - alone in juvenile prison - I took it a minute at the time. Some defense mechanism clicked in, because at the time I didn´t know AA existed.

Let us know how you´re doing,

Use adversity