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|12-10-2010, 07:02 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Join Date: Jul 2005
I feel surrounded by zombies and misconceptions...
As the subject implies, I feel totally surrounded by people who act like they care, but when you step out on a limb to confide in them, they turn around and chastise you for "buzz-killing" or throw up the someone always has it worse response; a response people usually use when they feel as if someone's pestering them about issues that deserve a pat-on-the-head reaction. I guess my issues are small game?
I'm so tired of this and I feel like it's everywhere I turn anymore. I often wonder if it has something to do with how the world is evolving and it scares me to no end... Kind of 1984'ish...
I'm in my late twenties now and after losing a career job and potential wife, I know without a doubt that this first generation college graduate of an alcoholic family has been through more hell than 90% of the people he's surrounded by, and yet, I still feel as if I'm being treated like a child. I feel like I'm hanging by a thread when it comes to being patient with people and my life as I constantly listen to supervisors and my faculty advisers complain about how horrible their lives are while sitting on a 5-to-6 digit salary office chair job... For all this introspective pressure, I find myself feeling as if the strenuous strides I'm attempting to take in my life are going nowhere and mostly because I never feel like I see any results under this constant duress.
I know I have some things that I can be happy about. Don't get me wrong, I do realize this without a doubt. One such thing is being fortunate enough to continue my education. I'm currently attending a university and majoring in a Technology field (graduate school; M.S.). I'm not sure if this will ever help me, however, with the economy being the way it is and probably will be, and to be very honest, I'm just not sure about the school now as it has experienced some serious cuts and political inner-turmoil (much of which we have yet to see the end of)...
This has been my first semester in the program and while it's been a relatively enjoyable one despite these issues mentioned, I feel as if I've just not connected to anyone in my classes or in my graduate student job. The people I work with are definitely smart and cool people, as you can expect, and they all have some really neat aspects about themselves that would make anyone be appreciative of their acquaintance. In the end, though, they're all temporary friendships that last only as long as their dissertations last--this is a chaos I'm so tired of being forced into; this constant instability of life where I'm always being forced to accommodate these losses and different student jobs that pay jack, etc. I want to settle down with a single job that pays the bills so badly that it makes my stomach upset sometimes when thinking about it because I feel like I'll never have it, ya know? Also, I sometimes struggle to maintain these friendships in their temporary nature because 90% of them are married with children, are foreigners who will eventually leave the U.S., and have problems maintaining boundaries about when to shut up and stop being harassing jerks about little things they consider to be hilarious or big eventful issues--something I think might be a cultural difference and something I can handle (it's mainly the other 2 things I sometimes get a little sad about). Despite their annoying tendencies, I do love them and care about their lives.
Anyway, I guess I'm moping, right? Regardless, I apologize beforehand because I get that people have bigger issues to face, after all, I have a running car and a roof over my head, but you know that the relativity in peoples' lives never lose their stinging affect when the tides turn into waves. Sometimes I find that these forums are the only places left for me to really say what's on my mind anymore because it seems that nobody around me has the resources or abilities to handle what I consider to be the truth about my life and those around me--which usually includes them--and because of this, I fear both political and professional reprimand for the things I find myself thinking but never expressing, ap pro po, this post. I hope you understand and again, I apologize for venting like this. I just had to get it out of me, this fraction of the bigger pie...
What a mess...
|12-10-2010, 07:17 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: South Seas
I dunno - I guess some people are like that - or seem like they are - I think sometimes people think they have to have answers, when all that's really required a lot of the time is listening, y'know?
I'm not sure we've ever 'met' before on the boards, so forgive me I know nothing of your backstory, but have you considered counselling?
My family's not alcoholic - I am - but they're certainly bat crap crazy LOL.
I found counselling was a great help to me in sorting through some of that baggage - just gotta pick the right one tho
|12-11-2010, 07:46 AM||#3 (permalink)|
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Join Date: Jul 2005
Hi, D. Sorry for the delayed response. I never received one of those "hey, someone responded to your thread" messages in my e-mail and I guess I might have accidentally forgotten to tick that check box when posting all this yesterday.
As for counseling, yes, I've seen many counselors. The best person I ever saw was a psychologist our university had who left awhile back. Unfortunately, this same school I attended and still attend has now instituted a fee to see their counselors. Due to having hardly any money to my name, I'm forced to tackle this on my own. Besides, I did see 2 of the on-hand professionals before this fee was implemented and I have to honestly say that I couldn't help but feel I was squealing my tires with them--one was an older man who seemed to be a pill pusher while the last one was a product of their director's "pat-on-the-head" approach where I was then shoved off to some graduate student for a few firesides. I guess they were nice to vent to, but I can't say I ever had any breakthroughs like I did with the first man who left, but who did at least seem to care enough to try and help me. Anyway, things in that counseling center have really gone South and I think it's due to the budget woes everyone has been experiencing.
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