~To be understood~

[2stop]

When I have been in the throes of deep depression and anxiety and OCD the one thing I craved to hear was someone understood and was not going to judge me. I found this here at SR, and am eternally grateful. If anyone is struggling today please know we all care and if you need to talk and someone just to listen without judgment..I am here.

(((((((((((((((((((Hugs to Everyone!!)))))))))))))))))))

[Juls]

Tammie,

One of the things that I find so amazing here is how we are all so willing to reach out for the other person.

I understand all too well the feelings of depression, anxiety, etc. There are no judgements here.

Juls

[Mamabear]

What a gift,
No judgements here. It's freeing. And I think it helps me understand myself better.
Sometimes I feel there is so much complication in my life that friends get burdened just listening. I don't feel that here. it's really okay to share at any level.
I'm really grateful, too, 2stop.
~peace,
mamabear

[2stop]

Today I am so so blessed to be able to come here and share. My marriage is falling apart and I don't know what to do..I want him to understand me and believe in me, but he is burned out with his career and in poor health and just doesn't have it in him I guess. That and of course it's ALWAYS my fault. Without fail. I am so lonely sometimes I think I will break in two. This is not how I have always been. In my younger years I never let any get this close so I saved a lot of heartache. Our home purchase is going badly again...the heater isn't working in this house....I don't feel very strong today, and I woke up in tears. I know I will find a way to persevere I am just so scared and tired and lonely. He told me last night to seek life elsewhere if I don't like it. Ans that I should be helping him more with a career change..God knows how badly I want to do just that. I am trying to think of anything to make some money and ease his burdens..and would work at any type of job to help..this week the panic atttacks have been bad again and it is really hard to get a job and not be able to show up becausee of it...I understand some of where he is coming from, I truly do I just feel like I am being thrown away I guess and it hurts so bad...Thanks for listening my friends.(((((((((hugs)))))))

[Anna]

Tammie, I'm so sorry for how things are going with you right now. It's a tough time for you in your marriage when you think things are falling apart. It's terrible when you love someone so much and they really don't seem to understand you. I pray for you that whatever you want to happen with your marriage will work out. I pray that it will be the way you want. And, on top of that the problems with your house are a burden now also. Will you be able to get the heater fixed? or is it ever that simple?

If it's any help I'm sending lots of positive thoughts and love your way. I hope it finds you today.

Hugs and love,
Anna

[2stop]

(((((((((((((((Anna))))))))))))))
Thank you so much for the kind and comforting words. it means a whole lot to me. We are trying to find someone to come and see what's wrong. My neighbor lady is real sweet and she is looking up a number for me. So, I will just keep praying about it all. I made my family a real nice meal and we all sat at the table to eat, my husband said it was wonderful and took a hold of my hand. You know what I think it is? He feels he has failed us and is very insecure. I want him to understand that the amount of money he makes and what he owns means nothing to me! As long as we have our family we can manage through it all!! I am really trying to see this all through his eyes.....maybe he doesn't feel understood.

Thanks again my dear Anna, your posts always help me to feel better.(((((((((((((((((((((((((Warm Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

[Lilya]

Tammie,

Have courage, my friend!

I know this feeling of loneliness you talked about and remembered how it was with me when I was married. But you seem to have things going for you and at least last night seemed fine. I have a hunch you´re only going through a crisis... and as we say in France, crisis are good, because they always bring something new and unexpected. It´s a challenge.

I hope things work out for you. Support your husband but don´t forget about yourself. You´re such a special person and you deserve the best.

Gosh, I´m tired. I went to a wonderful Tango party and had chili con carne, but I danced too much and felt weak again. So I went home earlier than I expected and am curling up on my couch. It´s really tough to have so much work - a book and a festival to manage. I feel a bit sad, but that´s not bad. I know it will pass.

Be well and here is a big hug from me across the ocean. Love and light,

Use adversity

[2stop]

I am becoming more and more depressed as the night goes on. I feel crazy in my head. I just want to make things better and I feel so uncapable and worthless tonight. Yikes!! it is hitting so hard. I want to go to work but have no skills, I am unable to drive from severe panic attacks. I kept driving for along long time..just sucked it up and went on...I seem unable to do that anymore. There's this brick wall I can'y bust through, I can't go around...tonight I just keep saying This Too Shall Pass. I have been thinking maybe now this time I will go to f2f meetings abd get some support. i don't know, I am just in afunk to build a life. I am on my knees tongith. I think part of it is the detox from the ultram. Why are some docs so stupid?? Not addicting my butt!! I am reading horror stories about Ultram...okay I am done venting, I just had to get it out of my head. I will be better tomorrow and work harder. I can't back out of recovery now..I believe there is something really awesome about it and I want to succeed so bad. I can't stop the tears tonight. I keep telling myself it is not wrong to cry..it is good, but tonight it makes me feel like I have failed. Stupid I am sure, but it's how I feel. Thanks again for listening you guys.

[2stop]

Thank you Lilya..It helped just to type out all the fears in my head. I will have courage and carry on, I am just allowing fear to rule me tonight and I must choose the alternative...peace no mater what. I will meditate tonight and quiet my head and listen for an answer. thank you so much for the kind words and am sending a (((((((((((((((((((((big Hug))))))))))))))))) right back across the ocean to you.

[2stop]

I justed posted to a girl in Newcomers...and i feel better. I realize now that I DO believ I can recover..I just have to continue to want it more than I need it..It's a given that I need recovery, but when I want it I seek it..and I do believ that what ye seek ye shall find. And I read the quotes in my signature line..and it helps everytime I really read and contemplate over the quote from Anne Frank....What a wondeful gift she left for us!!! Wish I could give her a hug! She looked for the good during a very cruel and unjust time...and now she is helping me to look at the beauty still left around me..Oh I am blessed I really am, I won't spen another minute feeling sorry for myself....i have to again and again and again CHOOSE to be free..I am getting it, slowly, but I ametting it. Thanks you all. Love ya much!!!!

[Justme57]

Hi Tammie ! HUGXXXXX to you from across the Ocean too, maybe we can hang together tonite ? ( today ) my time . I am a bit rough round the edges today too, last time this happened, a week ago, I drank, but I am determined NOT to today .
My face is tense , and I have a HUGE headache, but as you said " this too will pass"
My thoughts are with you
HUGXXXXXX
Lee

[2stop]

Hang in there Lee!! We'l ride the rough seas together...no matter what we won't drink/use oaky...and tomorrow we will have another victory under our belts and can start another brand new day..clear-headed and not feeling guilty..we can do this..I KNOW we can.....If you need me, I am here okay?

((((((((((((((((((((((((Big Hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))

[ksos]

I know that you're in pain, Tammie, but hearing how you are working your recovery is inspiring for me. I know it hurts.

The pains that we endure as addicts are hard to articulate. You are doing us all a service by sharing it since it reminds me about the horror of withdrawal. I also agree with you that doctors really need to look into a PDR and see what a "harmless" drug like Ultram can do to us.

K

[Juls]

((((((((Tammie))))))))

Dear one, I know pretty much exactly how you are feeling. I went through some very difficult times in my marriage where I was so lonely, I thought my marriage was falling apart, and my anxiety was so bad.

Tammie, you are such a wonderful person. You have brought so many people here comfort and hope. I can't offer much advice in terms of your marriage, but as far as the anxiety goes, there is help for that. I will send you a pm about what I did, and how much it helped me.

When you are feeling so badly start giving yourself good thoughts. Think what you would tell a friend who was going through the same thing, and tell yourself that. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it. You and your husband are under alot of stress from the house situation. I know, because we are still dealing with ours also. We are closing, but there have been some problems, and it is very stressful for my husband too. He gets very irritated, short-tempered, etc, and takes it out on me. I try to be understanding but it isn't always easy.

I know what it's like to feel as though you don't have any skills. I spun my wheels alot trying to decide what I would do for work. Fortunately for me I have a license as an Esthetician, and although I hadn't worked in that field since before we married and had our daughter, my license was still valid. I was able to get a job earlier this year and it has worked out very well.

You do have skills Tammie, you just need to find out what type of work is best suited for you. It doesn't do any good to take a job you hate. Look into the local Junior Colleges in your area. They usually have career counseling, or can refer you somewhere. what type of work have you done in the past?

You are a very special person Tammie, and are loved. When you are feeling so low, or any time, please pm me and if I am here on-line we can talk.

Juls

[2stop]

You guys are just what the doctor ordered!! I swear, I have never in my life been in such a therapeutic setting as here at SR, and boy have I had the tour de grande of therapy! I have been doing a lot of thinking last night and this morning....If I even start thinking about drugs I develop withdrawal symptoms..actual physical and emotional pain from a thought..so today as ahrd a it is(and that irritates me to no end) I am going to be so excited about recovery and during my meditations I am goingnto visualize myself happy in ecovery, doing everything I think I cannot do...and I am going to do this until I get it. If I can let my thoughts work against me I sure as hell oughta let them work for me huh? I am so blessed to know people like you that have travelled this same road and hung on til they broke through...i am sure you still have tough struggles, but you persevered til the drugs weren't the main issue..you all are very brave and very strong..Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your encouragement but most gratefully for your example..

[Mamabear]

Dear Tammie
((((((((((((((peace)))))))))))))))

I will pray for you. Gosh a move is so stressful and I think you're right. Men carry this burden of thiking they are totally responsible and when they can't fulfill the unrealistic expectations they set in their minds, it often comes out as anxiety and anger. (We girls cry and/ or turn to one another). This happens w/ my husband and then I misunderstand, take the anger personally and so the cycle begins...I wonder if a bit of couples counseling would help. Or a mediator like a priest/ rabbi/ minister.
As far as work, how would you feel about working in a school? In Pa there are countless school districts that need aides for special needs kids. We kiss the feet of the women and men who work pt and full time for our district. The pay is poor but it might be doable. Often you can call your own hours. You seem to be at your very best when you are helping another and there is much love exchanged in this interaction. If you choose to do this, know that special needs covers a wide range of kids. Decide whether or not you want to deal with leatning disabilities, severe mental retardation and life skills, emotionally challenged kids or physically handicapped kids. My experience is that my heart fill when I am with these kids (though it is not my area in teaching) and the inspiration does much to lessen the pain and anxiety I feel. Just a thought.....
Okay, if you were closer I'd drive over and give you a hug.
This is the best I can do
(((((((Mamabear))))))))

[2stop]

Mamabear~What an excellent suggestion! I think I will check it out. I would so enjoy that type of work. I have also been considering training to be a licensed chemical dependency counselor. I just have to work on my confidence levels. -Work I've done in the past is nursing assistant and airport security. I always wanted to go to college so bad. I am going to go before I die. Lear ing is a treat to me, a real joy. I love to read and to ask questions about things work. I will just hold to my faith and walk forward. My husband left for work today in a foul mood and I hate how I let that make me feel so lonely and worthless. I will choose to fill my time this week with stuff that enriches me, both educationally and emotionally. Thank you so much for the kind and encouraging words. A ((((Big Hug))))) right back to you....

[Lilya]

Dear Tammie,

Let´s be lonely together. I´m still fighting the flu - actually I posted at the movie club, and I´m headed for exhaustion. I haven´t been able to slow down with my book coming out and the festival. One week, and I´m over the worst. I´m just so weak today and run down, I feel awful. I can see the depression like a black fog outside my window and the loneliness is just killing me. It´s all the staying home - but I know it will pass. One day at a time...

I like to share with you what inner faith can be strong. I heard such a beautiful interview on the Radio today. There was this woman who was always on drugs and slept her life away. Now, at sixty, she finally woke up and is participating in life. Her husband left her, but she goes to ballroom dancing and is working as an operator. She overcame her lack of self-esteem, stays sober and is going strong.

So can we.

I once learned that it´s good to write down five or six job descriptions and then do pros and cons. Like that, you have a clear idea of what you can do and what is maybe to unrealistic. You go, girl!

Ditto to what Juls and Mamabear said. You have given so much and there is always this difficulties in relationships. I think you´re just going through a bad patch and it will pass.

I´m sending you life giving, Indian prana.

Use adversity

[2stop]

~Lilya~I love to hear inspiring stories, thank you so much for sharing that. I used to get depression when I was overcommitted and doing too much. Now, I don't think I do enough. LOL! Oh to find perfect balance..wouldn't it be grand?

wow, girl..with a book and a festival going on, that would be so stressful....I could not even imagine! You have an awesome life story to share, Lilya...I am so glad you are here with us...sounds like you need a month..(or two!!) on a island with 5 star acommodations..luxury all the way!!!! One day i swear..I will have a massage on the beach!!!

Thank you so much for encouraging me...I hope that flu clears up for you..being so stressed I imagine your immune system is balking at the work of chasing it off...I just thought of a great drink my brother told me about a few years back that helps with the flu...You take garlic, chop it up and boil it. Drain the chopped garlic out. Add some chicken bouillon cubes, boil for 10-15 minutes, add some cayenne pepper...and drink it hot. I found it also helped me to sleep, really opened up my head too.

WEll, you take care of yourself now....I hope you get a vacation soon.......

(((((((((((Hugs across the Ocean))))))))))

[2stop]

~Lilya~ I forgot to ask you something. What good suggestions do you have to help with focusing, concentrating and such? I will do so much better when I can concentrate like I used to. I used to have quite the memory too but LOL!! I can't remember the last time I could think like I want. Thanks again for being such a great example of recovery.

[Lilya]

Tammie,

Thanks for the hug. Here is one coming right back to you. And I actually followed your advice and am drinking your garlic broth. It´s hot, but good. I can feel it.

My advice for clear thinking is simple: Yoga. Just simple postures, and if you don´t know how, try meditating. Sit with your spine straight in front of a candle or a crystal and look at it. Think simply: "I breath in, I breath out," and breath with it. Five minutes is enough at first, then go for 7-9 minutes. Don´t prolong it. This is all you need, but it has to be done every day. After a week you will feel so much difference.

I calculate or do what we call in French "Réussite." You take cards and pile them up in a pattern and then you try to make it work. I don´t know the word in English, but I´m sure you know what it means. It´s very soothing and it´s good for concentration.

I intend to take a vacation! I will go to either Cuba or the Grand Canaria after Christmas. Definately massage at the beach and luxury hotels. I think of that when I feel overworked.

This has been a difficult year with my aunt´s death, my father´s illness and detoriation, family conflicts and too much work. I had the house full of relatives, screaming at each other or crying. Can you imagine?

Thanks for the support. I don´t feel as lonely. Now to bed and sleep!

Big hugs,

Use adversity

[2stop]

Thank you so much for those suggestions. I will try them immediately!! I pray you sleep well and that angels rest upon your pillow........

[Lilya]

I did sleep exceptionally well, Tammie. An angel came and rested by my side, thanks to you. The day was not bad at all and I even stopped at the docs and had him check me. Nothing is wrong, he says. So I´m going to sleep early as I have to get up early for a Radio interview life.

It´s funny how the mind works. Yesterday I felt so fragile and weak, I felt as if a truck had gone over me and that my body was in thousand pieces. Someone called me, it was a wrong number, but it was a mother who thought I was her babysitter who had run away with her child. "Julie!" she screamed. "Do you want to be killed? I´m sending two guys over to break your arms." I tried to tell her I was not Julie her babysitter from hell, but she got crazier every second. I was so scared, I thought my heart would stop. I told her I was recording the phonecall and the police would be at her door every second. Finally she hung up. It shook me up, I can tell you that!

Now I feel quite calm. How are you? Better, I hope?

Use adversity

[2stop]

Oh Lilya...I am doing better, but everything around me is falling apart....I had a premoniton a month or so ago that if something happened and we have to move from here, the loan doesn't come through, to be grateful and give praise for the little slice of heaven I was able to see. It may not have lasted long, but it would be eternity for the mother in Africa that died in dirt hut with child by her side, it would be eternity in heaven for a Palestinian mother to have running water, a back yard like a secret garden, When all is said and done I have lived a lot in heaven and have so many resources here. Resources so many in foreign lands might never know....I pray to God I keep this strength.....I am on my knees! I am scared, I am sad, but I am alive...and while at the moment I am bent....I refuse to break...I may land up in the fetal position on the floor for a year.....but I WILL stand up again..and I will fight until God sees fit to take my breathe and life. I feel that supernatural strength at work again..and I know it is my HP carrying me through that which I with my physical awarenesses and expectations cannot. I was able to have a good talk with my husband earlier....I shared with him that we must look within for the solutions to what we are facing. We cannot force the answer we want when destiny says..take the other street. That is how I am looking at this tonight.....I very well may have to pick up our belongings and walk down another street. and I will trust that my life path, as guided by my HP takes me down the exact street it intends me to be on.

Thanks for being here you guys. I was afraid I wouldn't make it this morning. Oh I was so depressed, but I talked to my HP and said teach me. I don't know what to do. I know my HP placed you all in my path and on my street for a very special reason.

[Lilya]

((((((Tammie)))))

You know inside that you´re strong and you know you will make it through this crisis.

Is there any reason the loan will not come through?

Remember what Dalai Lama said when the Chinese invaded Tibet: "If you there is a solution to the problem, why worry?
If there is no solution, why worry?"

And Descartes: "Wheather I´m awake or asleep, a square has always four sides and 2 and 2 equal 4."

These quotes reminds me to do the footwork, and leave the rest to God. It´s out of our hands. We have no power over the problem, when we have done our absolute very best.

Love and light,

Use adversity