Step 4 and 5

[steve4432]

Wow this has been hard for me at this time I have been working with my sponsor and tharapist on my past. she says I have ptsd and depression/ anxioty my sponsor wants this done and I am having a lot of depression when these angers and traumas are resurfacing my tharapist said to put them away for a week to heal some I am glad she did I ended sleeping 14 hours after we talked that is so unlike me I am a 5 or 6 hour a night man.
I want to get it done so I can begin the healing process she said its not like my goals and my overachiever attitude of get the job done w-i-t that I am going to harm myself if I try to go too fast, that for my mental health can not handle all that pain at one time. I just want to get better its a lot of hard work and the pain is very real. I am going to what she says but do you have any suggestions of how to get up or feel better on those dark days.
thankyou ............Steve

[Juls]

Steve,

First of all, I want to tell you "Welcome to the forum." I am glad you came here.

Working through past issues is often a very painful process, and one that should not be rushed. Some things take years to resolve. You shouldn't be pressured to do it in a certain time frame.

I agree with your therapist that it is best to just let things rest for awhile, until your ready to deal with them.

I would think that your sponsor would understand, if you explain to them that you have to take it very slow. Writing out your history is one of the steps, but there's nothing that says you have to do it all at once.

Many people do their histories more than once, because for most us we have so much we just can't put it all out there at one time.

Take it easy on yourself and go at a pace that is comfortable for you.

Juls

[C61]

Steve,

Please listen to your theapist and not your sponsor if you are truly depressed. Your AA person probably knows nothing about depression and if he does he believes that it can all be cured by completing the steps. Which is proves his ignorance of depression.

You might want to think if you really need steps 4 and 5. Were you that kind of monster that those steps are designed to help. You don't give that impression. I wasn't. I drank way too much but I was not monster and manged to achieve quiet well and was considered a decent fellow by those who worked for me and knew me. AA can be very dangerous for depressed people because many people in program do believe that depression, aniexty and any other mental problem comes from the drinking. You tell a deeply depressed person to stop taking his meds because he does not need them and rather follow the steps you are setting him up for suicide. I have seen this happen.

After two weeks in treatment I had little trouble staying sober after 30 years of heavy drinking. I also went to therapy and that was a major issue. I seemed to be having it too easy. It finally dawned on me a few months ago that my primary problem was not drink but depression. I was medicating my self. After I sober up for a while and my real meds took over I had little desire to drink or agnoize over the past.

I certainly still need help and I discovered pretty much on my own that AA is not the only program that works. I have depended mostly on SMART, but there are others. Rather than me trying to explaing these programs to you go to the newcomers board and find the thread started by Elizard. Several other people have post there who are much more knowledgable than me about these programs.

I wish you the best.

Terry

Hi Steve,

What you are doing is not easy. When those memories surface it can be very painful and frightening. I got through it by knowing that my HP was in control and I could trust that he wouldn't give me more than I could handle. The dark times were very hard. I had no support and thought I was just going crazy. I had never heard of PTSD at the time. I didn't know what a blocked memory was. I just started remembering things. It took me about 5 years to get thorugh it. My daughter went to therapy and had support and a lot of information and she worked through hers very quickly in a year. Everything you are experiencing is normal with PTSD. The depression can get very bad. The key to remember is that it will not last forever and what you are doing is the way you will be healed. Just remember to keep surrendering and don't try to force it and do it yourself. You will wear yourself out for no reason. I know you want to get it over with because it's not pleasant. I've been there.

Many hugs and keep talking about it. Talking helps the depression.

MG

[steve4432]

Thank you all Terry, Juls, and Morning glory you said the exact same thing as my lisa my tharapist she has been a wonderfull addition to my recovery it has taken 9 months to get to a place where i could open up to talk about the issues. I have trouble conveying to others that i have any problems whatsoever.
I am the guy who looks perfect,dresses perfect never a hair out of place has spent tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars on self help programs,sales programs, seminars boot camps you name it. I have had my own companies and do still today.
nothing has ever filled the void or killed the demons for any length of time. You see the only thing that can do that is a total healing and that I know takes time my microwave mentality to heat and serve will not allow for this needed time without alot of effort.
I am working real hard and going to 2or3 meetings a day and these do help as I love to help others also.Now as lisa says take it easy here as I am also very codependent and my zealosness is not recipricated by others and that has and will again cause resentment and pain. thank you for leting me think out loud
big hugs............. Steve

[Juls]

Steve,

I can uderstand perfectly about what you say that you are the type of person who seems perfect. It is important for me to give others the impression that I have no problems, while at the same time having the ability to solve all theirs. LOL

What a joke. Also, when you give for others who cannot return that, it sets us up for disappointment. I really had to learn how to hold myself back, and when I did give to make sure I had no expectations that the other person would do anything for me. I have learned to become more selfish, and that is a good thing.

I have also learned that I don't have to seem "perfect" all the time to others. I don't worry so much what other people think. It is still hard for me though to talk about my problems. Like a few weeks ago I had so much anxiety I could hardly talk or do anything. I didn't come on the boards, and I could hardly go to work. After the episode was over I could talk about it, but now while I was in it.

It sounds like you have a good therapist.

Thank you for your contribution to our forum.

Juls