To Juls about paxil

[ssindi]

You posted to my message in the NA forum. Thanks for doing that. I did abuse my paxil, I seem to abuse weird things nobody else usually gets addicted to. Mostly I just think I want to feel better, I have felt this way ever since I first acquired epilepsy when I was 30. Terribly depressing. I tried to kill myself about three times during then.

Anyway back to paxil. doc now has me on 50 mg of Paxil CR but paxil seemed to give me more energy so it was right in my purse and I took a few more and few more and a few more. I will not do that anymore. You have my word, whatever it is worth.

I really thought I had things under control but I didn't. It''s been five days now I have been taking my normal dosage, I'm sure I can continue but I think I need to attend a NA meeting, I need some support. My husband is not supportive at all and refuses to try to understand my seizures or my addiction. He is embarrassed. See I was supposed to be a perfect wife and now I'm not all that perfect. He thinks he is perfect and I should believe everything he says. well, he doesn't know much about recovery and I accept that, his mind is closed. I have to get support elsewhere. I guess I haven't been too proud of a lot of the things I've done but going through rehab I now I can still relapse and return. Right?????

I was having 2 beers some nights too and I have stopped that also.

What kind of damage could I have done to my brian from overdosing?

[Juls]

Cindy,

Recovery is always there for us, when we're ready to take it. I have no idea what kind of braindamage, if any, that could be caused by taking too much Paxil, I said that out of fear of not knowing what kind of damage you might cause to yourself from taking too much. I apologize if I frightened you unnecessarily.

Does your Dr. know that you've taken more than you should? The Dr. would be the one to know about that.

So your finding out you cannot be the perfect person that you were expected to be. Welcome. Perfection is not something I aspire to anymore, but the best that I can be and my best effort.

I'm sorry to hear your husband cannot be more supportive. Don't beat yourself up about the things you've done, but turn that energy towards your recovery, and making yourself a better person for yourself. A person you can be proud of.

Are there are other people in your life that are able to be supportive of you? Relatives, friends?

Juls

[ssindi]

I have a full time job and may just a few friends,not many. Depressing, isn't it. My family does not do much with me because I am the black sheep of the family. I would not enable my mother's drinking when she was alive. I did not see her for seven years before her death by liver failure a year ago. The rest of my family is in denial and think I'm the crazy one, I don't know if I'm crazy or not but I could not deny her horrid abuse. I am desperately trying to break the cycle now. It is hard since there are lots of medications that I NEED to take due to my epilepsy. But to survive I must learn not to abuse them and take them as the doctors orders.

You didn't really scare me too much, I'm been though a lot so what if I didn't damage something, I just can't do it anymore. I want to get better but in my miind, that fact is kind of sad.

[Juls]

Cindy,

Do you abuse addictive medications, or medications in general. I think if it's not addictive medications, but pills in general you are not an addict, but suffering from some type of obsessive/compulsive disorder. Or maybe addiction and obsessive/compulsion.

Even one friend, if it's a good friend can be enough. Sometimes I think I don't have many friends, but I do have some so I'm not totally friendless. LOL

I try to see the humor in my situation with my problems and neuroses and things. Sometimes it helps.

I went through a similar thing with my mom. She died of liver failure basically. I took care of her when she was dying, but she had done some horrible things to me.

I have broken the cycle, so that is something to be proud of.

Juls

[ssindi]

I thought I had broken the cycle until now I stated abusing. I don't abuse alcohol, but I'm not saying I wouldn't. I don't like it because of what I went through with my mother. It was discusting, the memories of drunken, slurry mother, embarrassing. I know it is good to see humor in things, sometimes I just get down and with the paxil shifting now that may help my depression.

I truly think I am an addict and maybe a little obsessive/compulsive. I have abused many drugs, usually Rx's from doctors and overdosed several times. I just wanted to escape, feel something else besides what I was hurting from at the time. I used to be into self cutting too. Thankfully, I've stopped that but have some small scars. I guess now I see that I have been hurting for a long time and I don't know what the true answer to my addiction is. I crave my husbands approval and love but he is very controling and very mean sometimes. But sometimes I feel without him I will be nothing but sometimes he really hurts me bad. He is a paramedic/ff but will not begin to understand anything about addiction other than that it is embarrassing, oh and my epilepsy is embarrassing to him to. Enough of him.

I do think I'm an addict because of my past. My last psychiatrist said I may be borderline personality. What does this mean?

See what I was addicted to so long was an over the counter med and it was so stupid. I was taking 20-30 dayquil a day but had a hard time getting help because everyone , like rehabs said it wasn't in their books and it didn't have alcohol in it so they couldn't treat me. Finally I added fioricet and it really wacked me out, I was incoherent for a few days and arrested but they got me help and now I no longer take dayquil anymore. I am proud of this I took it for three whole years.

Any suggestions, Juls.

What I mean is I'm working on recovery to just take my normal Rx's, but there will still be that chance of relapse but I want to feel good and not be that kind of person anymore.

[Juls]

Cindy,

You have alot more going on than what I would consider and "addiction" problem, where you are abusing a particular "substance." You are addicted to taking pills, but that is just a symptom of the other things going on with you.

The things you are doing to yourself I think have to do with alot of repressed anger. When we have had things happen to us like what your mother did, and we are unable to express that anger in a healthy fashion, we turn it inwards and can eventually start being self-destructive.

I don't know if your border-line. The term border-line is a term coined by the psychiatric community to describe people that have a similar set of symptoms. This "Terms" are put into a manual known as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual." They then have a term that they can use for insurance billing services and as a diagnostic tool.

I'm not sure what people who are borderline are on the borderline of. LOL

I'm glad to hear you are no longer cutting yourself.

Come over to our anger thread and post your thoughts, feelings, on anger.

Juls