I'm still here... - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Juls · 10-16-2003, 06:49 PM

Hi everyone,

Sorry to just drop out of sight like that. Sometimes I go through these "spells" as I call them, where I start feeling a very high level of genralized anxiety. When I get like that it is hard for me to function. I don't want to talk to anyone, don't want to leave my house, I just kind of crawl inside myself and hide. Fortunately, it doesn't happen too often. Then, when I feel better, I can come out and talk about it. Why I can't talk when I'm going through this I don't know.

I'm also having a little health issue, which could be related. Sorry guys, but this is a female thing. I've been having my cycle for three weeks now. I had my dr's appt. and they've put me on a low dose estrogen, and have scheduled a uterine biopsy, which is complicated just a little because I have two of things, i.e., two cerivxes, two uteri. I know that this is not an uncommon thing that happens to women during peri, and menopause, but I'm really scared to death of Dr.s.

I have had difficulties in that area of my body, and I've always had an irrational fear that I would die of some type of female cancer. The fact that more women die from heart disease than those kinds of cancer does not reassure me at all. My grandmother died of some type of female cancer when she was around my age. However the Dr. did say that uterine cancer is not hereditary, so that did make me feel better.

I had an episode of this when I was very young, and it turned out to be a large ovarian cyst which needed to be removed. I've been through surgery, and almost every time I've had some type of emotional breakdown afterwards. I have an extreme fear of dying on the operating table.

I hate being afraid like this, and I try to tell myself what good is being afraid going to do. Nothing. If it happens, it happens. Then I have morbid thoughts that maybe I should die. I've already gone through so much in life, what's another 20 years or so. How sick is that. The most shameful thing to me is that I actually fantasize about having people pay attention to me. So then I think that God will punish me and let it happen to me because of thinking like that.

I hate admitting what a weak person I am.

So that's my news. If for some reason you see I'm not on the boards for several days again, it's most likely because I'm having one of those anxiety episodes. I would not just leave the boards without letting people know.

Thank you for your concern.

Juls

Lilya · 10-17-2003, 02:38 PM

Juls,

Welcome back!

I know these dark spells and I understand. Sometimes it´s the best thing not to talk at all about the depression, because it could just grow worse from talking about it.

As to the female thing, I get really scared as well. When I was younger I had a really weird experience in London when the staff at Whitechaple had to remove an IUD. I ate, drank and smoke the whole night from fear, before the op, but it went fine, despite the unhygienc conditions. They had to close the surgery down two months later because of persistant cockroaches! The operatin g table was stained, nobody cleaned after the next patient. But I did survive, and I have no doubt that so will you, what with the good hygenic status you have in the States.

Quote:

Use adversity

Juls · 10-17-2003, 05:45 PM

Hey Lilya,

It's not always that good here. I remember when I was living in New York, and had to go for an exam. The Dr.s office was a creepy looking room. He told me to get undressed and sit on the table, no drape or anything. Then he proceeds to pull from under the table a rusty basin, with a rusty speculum insider. I was out of there in a flash.

Another time going in for an ER visit, I was put in a room where there were things with blood on them laying out in the open.

Most of the time it's pretty good though. At least were not in the dark ages when women had to get back alley abortions.

I saw the Dr. where I work (chiropractor/homeopath), and he feels there is an emotional component to this that is related to sexual trauma. I have had trauma as I mentioned in another post. He gave me a bunch of stuff to take, so we'll see. On November 11 I am scheduled to have a uterine biopsy.

Juls

zoomer · 10-19-2003, 05:35 PM

Hi Ya Juls, everytime i was elprego or had a baby they had to give me a shot for being Rh-. It's made from human blood and I'd freak for a long time because the thought of aids! I'm sooooo happy no more babies for me. I do believe however that my hormones play a huge factor in my depression and craziness. I'm due for a pap and I hate them,but I have to be honest,my Dr's office has always been tip top. Although with my 8 year old when I was delivering her,the hospital had blood all over the floors and toilets,the nurses were bad mouthing other women and my nurse almost killed my baby by having wait too long to push because she was so crazy! My last baby they left the needle in my back over night and I could not walk coming out of the hospital. I just remembered all of that wow! I also get post partum real bad. I'll keep you in my thoughts when you go for the biopsy! I'm sure you will be fine!!!

Mamabear · 10-23-2003, 12:20 PM

test....having 'puter trouble again...grrrrr

Mamabear · 10-23-2003, 12:29 PM

Hi Juls,

It's good to 'hear' your voice. I also isolate when I am feeling down. Sometimes it helps me sort things out but ore often than not it just lengthens my depression.
I don't know if your gyn told you this or not but endometrial biopsies are the only means of measuring the effects of hormone therapy. Since I am on progestin, I have to have a biopsy every 4 months. Initially that upset me and my gyn (who I love and know I will miss dearly when he retires) explained to me that blood tests can't measure cell changes and only a biopsy can really verify whether or not cell growth is improved. He explained how the term biopsy is so closely associated with cancer that many women forget that a biopsy tests for so many other things besides cancer. It made me feel a lot better. I hope in some way it eases your anxiety a bit, too. now I kind of look at it as a time to see if the med is working or not.
Things aren't so great here. I think my son is taking a nose dive. He has changed his drug of choice to alcohol. My husband and I are trying to figure out what we can do, if anything. I will try to post later in the day to explain.
(((take care of yourself)))
Mamabear

clancy · 10-26-2003, 09:09 AM

Oh juls i can so sympathise about your fears of female serious disorders.

Ive had several scares myself, once when my breast felt like it had a packet of mixed frozen veg inside....god,the terror...over her you gotta wait about six weeks depending on your zip code,some areas are better served than others.We call it 'the zip code lottery' I had to had a biopsy,ultrasound, and lots of painful squeezing and prodding. In the they said they coulnt prove anything either way! fabulous.Well im alive eight years later so....

Then the pap test thing,dont know bout you but having my kinickers off and legs spread in front of a stranger, well its like a bad dream for me. Oncew they called me back,no reason mentioned, and i just collapsed with fright,they had to give oxygen.
I have never been back, its a chance i just decided to take.I thought about it carefully,but decided i needed to heal my mental scars,and that i never would pokin round for god knows what.

Also its my (somewhat radical,i know) opinion that women are over medicalised
They bang on about our female organs being so prone to disease....its a way of squashing down our gender', makes us weak.What makes us female ,makes us weak,so we need men to sort us out.....I studied the theorie at school it very interesting,even if you dont ultimately believe it, it will make you think...

The way women are represented in the media makes me furious! only jesterday i saw an ad i a womens mag - a picture of a womans torso,with at least ten different pairs of panties on. The tag line? 'no matter how well you wash you somestimes just cant banish vaginal odour(!!!!) unless attack it at source with 'femfresh intimate spray"

Can you really believe it? i mean mens little problems are completely ignored,how about ''smegfresh wipes'' for e.g? or 'anti post pee dribble pads' !

I get really wound up about these issues!

love to ya sis,

Clance xx

Juls · 10-26-2003, 01:24 PM

Clancy,

LOL, you gave me a good laugh. "Smegfresh Wipes." We have to keep our treasures clean, and fresh you know. LOL

The bleeding has stopped, and I'm feeling better, but the Dr. still wants to do the biopsy.

I'm over my panic attack about it now.

Zoomer, I also have to get "RhoGam" shots for being Rh-. I never thought of the connection for Aids before though. Fortunately I'm not going to be having anymore kids.

Mamabear, thank you for your kind reassurances. It does ease my anxiety.

Sorry to hear about your son. Did you look into ToughLove, or are you just not interested. It's o.k. if your not, but I think it could help you.

Juls

10-16-2003, 06:49 PM	#1 (permalink)
Juls Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: California, USA Posts: 1,101	I'm still here... Hi everyone, Sorry to just drop out of sight like that. Sometimes I go through these "spells" as I call them, where I start feeling a very high level of genralized anxiety. When I get like that it is hard for me to function. I don't want to talk to anyone, don't want to leave my house, I just kind of crawl inside myself and hide. Fortunately, it doesn't happen too often. Then, when I feel better, I can come out and talk about it. Why I can't talk when I'm going through this I don't know. I'm also having a little health issue, which could be related. Sorry guys, but this is a female thing. I've been having my cycle for three weeks now. I had my dr's appt. and they've put me on a low dose estrogen, and have scheduled a uterine biopsy, which is complicated just a little because I have two of things, i.e., two cerivxes, two uteri. I know that this is not an uncommon thing that happens to women during peri, and menopause, but I'm really scared to death of Dr.s. I have had difficulties in that area of my body, and I've always had an irrational fear that I would die of some type of female cancer. The fact that more women die from heart disease than those kinds of cancer does not reassure me at all. My grandmother died of some type of female cancer when she was around my age. However the Dr. did say that uterine cancer is not hereditary, so that did make me feel better. I had an episode of this when I was very young, and it turned out to be a large ovarian cyst which needed to be removed. I've been through surgery, and almost every time I've had some type of emotional breakdown afterwards. I have an extreme fear of dying on the operating table. I hate being afraid like this, and I try to tell myself what good is being afraid going to do. Nothing. If it happens, it happens. Then I have morbid thoughts that maybe I should die. I've already gone through so much in life, what's another 20 years or so. How sick is that. The most shameful thing to me is that I actually fantasize about having people pay attention to me. So then I think that God will punish me and let it happen to me because of thinking like that. I hate admitting what a weak person I am. So that's my news. If for some reason you see I'm not on the boards for several days again, it's most likely because I'm having one of those anxiety episodes. I would not just leave the boards without letting people know. Thank you for your concern. Juls __________________ Think World Peace

10-17-2003, 05:45 PM	#3 (permalink)
Juls Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: California, USA Posts: 1,101	Hey Lilya, It's not always that good here. I remember when I was living in New York, and had to go for an exam. The Dr.s office was a creepy looking room. He told me to get undressed and sit on the table, no drape or anything. Then he proceeds to pull from under the table a rusty basin, with a rusty speculum insider. I was out of there in a flash. Another time going in for an ER visit, I was put in a room where there were things with blood on them laying out in the open. Most of the time it's pretty good though. At least were not in the dark ages when women had to get back alley abortions. I saw the Dr. where I work (chiropractor/homeopath), and he feels there is an emotional component to this that is related to sexual trauma. I have had trauma as I mentioned in another post. He gave me a bunch of stuff to take, so we'll see. On November 11 I am scheduled to have a uterine biopsy. Juls __________________ Think World Peace

10-23-2003, 12:20 PM	#5 (permalink)
Mamabear Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: phila, pa Posts: 233	test....having 'puter trouble again...grrrrr __________________ Mamabear

10-23-2003, 12:29 PM	#6 (permalink)
Mamabear Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: phila, pa Posts: 233	Hi Juls, It's good to 'hear' your voice. I also isolate when I am feeling down. Sometimes it helps me sort things out but ore often than not it just lengthens my depression. I don't know if your gyn told you this or not but endometrial biopsies are the only means of measuring the effects of hormone therapy. Since I am on progestin, I have to have a biopsy every 4 months. Initially that upset me and my gyn (who I love and know I will miss dearly when he retires) explained to me that blood tests can't measure cell changes and only a biopsy can really verify whether or not cell growth is improved. He explained how the term biopsy is so closely associated with cancer that many women forget that a biopsy tests for so many other things besides cancer. It made me feel a lot better. I hope in some way it eases your anxiety a bit, too. now I kind of look at it as a time to see if the med is working or not. Things aren't so great here. I think my son is taking a nose dive. He has changed his drug of choice to alcohol. My husband and I are trying to figure out what we can do, if anything. I will try to post later in the day to explain. (((take care of yourself))) Mamabear __________________ Mamabear

10-26-2003, 09:09 AM	#7 (permalink)
clancy Im Ok - youre OK Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: UK Posts: 251	Oh juls i can so sympathise about your fears of female serious disorders. Ive had several scares myself, once when my breast felt like it had a packet of mixed frozen veg inside....god,the terror...over her you gotta wait about six weeks depending on your zip code,some areas are better served than others.We call it 'the zip code lottery' I had to had a biopsy,ultrasound, and lots of painful squeezing and prodding. In the they said they coulnt prove anything either way! fabulous.Well im alive eight years later so.... Then the pap test thing,dont know bout you but having my kinickers off and legs spread in front of a stranger, well its like a bad dream for me. Oncew they called me back,no reason mentioned, and i just collapsed with fright,they had to give oxygen. I have never been back, its a chance i just decided to take.I thought about it carefully,but decided i needed to heal my mental scars,and that i never would pokin round for god knows what. Also its my (somewhat radical,i know) opinion that women are over medicalised They bang on about our female organs being so prone to disease....its a way of squashing down our gender', makes us weak.What makes us female ,makes us weak,so we need men to sort us out.....I studied the theorie at school it very interesting,even if you dont ultimately believe it, it will make you think... The way women are represented in the media makes me furious! only jesterday i saw an ad i a womens mag - a picture of a womans torso,with at least ten different pairs of panties on. The tag line? 'no matter how well you wash you somestimes just cant banish vaginal odour(!!!!) unless attack it at source with 'femfresh intimate spray" Can you really believe it? i mean mens little problems are completely ignored,how about ''smegfresh wipes'' for e.g? or 'anti post pee dribble pads' ! I get really wound up about these issues! love to ya sis, Clance xx __________________ 'It riles them to believe that you perceive the web they weave'

10-19-2003, 05:35 PM	#4 (permalink)
zoomer Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: It's raining again! Posts: 2,461	Hi Ya Juls, everytime i was elprego or had a baby they had to give me a shot for being Rh-. It's made from human blood and I'd freak for a long time because the thought of aids! I'm sooooo happy no more babies for me. I do believe however that my hormones play a huge factor in my depression and craziness. I'm due for a pap and I hate them,but I have to be honest,my Dr's office has always been tip top. Although with my 8 year old when I was delivering her,the hospital had blood all over the floors and toilets,the nurses were bad mouthing other women and my nurse almost killed my baby by having wait too long to push because she was so crazy! My last baby they left the needle in my back over night and I could not walk coming out of the hospital. I just remembered all of that wow! I also get post partum real bad. I'll keep you in my thoughts when you go for the biopsy! I'm sure you will be fine!!!

10-26-2003, 01:24 PM	#8 (permalink)
Juls Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: California, USA Posts: 1,101	Clancy, LOL, you gave me a good laugh. "Smegfresh Wipes." We have to keep our treasures clean, and fresh you know. LOL The bleeding has stopped, and I'm feeling better, but the Dr. still wants to do the biopsy. I'm over my panic attack about it now. Zoomer, I also have to get "RhoGam" shots for being Rh-. I never thought of the connection for Aids before though. Fortunately I'm not going to be having anymore kids. Mamabear, thank you for your kind reassurances. It does ease my anxiety. Sorry to hear about your son. Did you look into ToughLove, or are you just not interested. It's o.k. if your not, but I think it could help you. Juls __________________ Think World Peace

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode