Poor Me

[ksos]

I looked over some of my posts lately and I am starting to see that all I seem to portray is "the poor me" dynamic which is a very comfortable act. I do it at home, at work, with those with whom I have brief encounters with, with therapists, and even with sponsors.

I have said before that I never realize how hurtful my behavior is to others until it is after the fact. People here have asked me if I'm aware of my behavior at the time I'm doing it and I honestly think I am sort of sociopathic--How can I not be aware that web porn, substance abuse, cell phone calls to ex-girl friends, and always being on the brink of a psychiatric slip is not hurtful to the one person in my life that did love me and demonstrated that love through staying with me, holding me during the times where I thought I was going out of my mind and someone who helped me in my career.

Today, I have to say that I feel like I never did Step One and deceived myself into thinking that I did. I am a coward. I am someone who is driven by impulse, not by thought. And then I have the courage to blame others for the outcome. This is really something that I feel has HALTED my growth as a human being.

K

[Nancy Allegood]

Dear ksos,

I stumbled across your post today, as I was looking for the last post I read on dealing with depression through movies. I think that your post is wonderfully real and honest, and I just want to encourage you, as you seem really sincere in your quest for recovery and growth. Sounds like you are making some progress here. Be honest with yourself about your faults, but don't be too hard on yourself -- love yourself as well as those around you. Jack and I once had an interesting discussion in which he aptly just said what's wrong with being a coward? Made me think. It is folks that give a false bravado, (me many times), not folks who are honest enough to admit they are scared, that concern me the most. I told Jack I think that bravery isn't the absence of fear, but feeling the fear and doing what you need to do anyway, and that is not an original thought, but I thought of it again when I read your post. Sounds like you have a good heart == wish you the best in your recovery. Let us know how you are doing, ok?

Nancy

[ksos]

Thanks Nancy for your kind words and for taking the time to read the topic. I had a very intense couple's meeting with my estranged wife (even though we are separated, we have agree to continue therapy for communication purposes). I came to the realization yesterday that the "Poor Me" piece is so ingrained in me, that I lost sight of nearly all which was important in a human relationship. I wanted my wife to be there physically, spiritually, sexually, and emotionally without reciprocity. She cried when I said this in therapy, but that's pretty much the stuff that we all agreed was the case.

I do this act with many people in my life. Like when I used to call my ex-GFs on the phone, I'd make it out like my life was a living hell when, in fact, I have all that a man could ever want. A beautiful, intelligent, dedicated, and loyal wife, a home, a gifted child, a nice job--but yet, I had to have the pat on the back that symbolized that I was in such pain. I realize that I've lied to myself as well as to my wife and to my kid. This for me, is the key to ever moving on with my life--no matter what road I end up on.

K

[Nancy Allegood]

Thank you for your wise words,

What can I say? You have spoken what you believe in your heart is the truth. That is, I think the key. I hope that I can get that far. I am afraid I am still holding on to alot of selfishness and egotistical baggage, but you have helped me to see that some. Thanks.

God bless you and heal us all,
Love,
Nancy

[californiacarla]

ksos,

If I had only learned what you are learning now 10 years ago. Thanks for the reminder.....

[ksos]

I'm learning so much through this forum and my life is still a mess, but as I've picked up from around here and from therapy, I choose to do what I do and I have chose to do what I have done.

I know that no matter what happens with my relationship with my estranged wife, I will be a better person for finally acknowledging her hurts, my role in that, and the crap I have leveled on all those around me. I no longer need to seek solace or sympathy from those elements which are dangerous to me.

If I knew what I am beginning to recognize now, ten years back, I'd be preparing for the holidays with my wife and child, not involved with a lawyer regarding a separation, or looking for a suitable other place to live. One slip into drugs, coupled with my personality issues and Bi-Polar Disoprder, led me to lie, betray, engage in dangerous activity, and shatter all that was good. That said, I am young enough to regroup and still have hope.

I am trying to finally realize the First Step. I always flip-flop them. I make amends when I am high. I can fool myself into taking a moral inventory when I am making hundreds of dollars of cell phone calls to another woman. My goals are now to take what life has to offer and on its terms. I need to finally grow up, grow a skin, and realize that no else can do it for me.

Thank You All for Your Support,

K