Need advise!!

[Craig&Bri]

My name is Craig and I have never been on a message board like this before, I didn't even know they existed until now. The love of my life and mother of my 3 yr. old little girl is Bi-polar and I need some help understanding how to deal with it. She was diagnosed about a year ago when she had what I believe was her first major episode. She went through a manic stage for about a month where it seemed like she was on top of the world. Then she went through a stage where she left me and acted like someone that I have never seen in her before. This lasted about 6 mo. and it was the hardest time I have ever had to deal with in my life. We are back together now and have been since February of this year. She was in the psych. hospital for about a week back in May when she was showing signs of having another episode. Since then she has been on 800 mg. of Seroquil a day and things have been great until recently. I think she is going through some kind of mixed episode right now because she has been working very hard and a lot of hours and it seems as if she thinks she is unstoppable. But, she has been very uninterested and grouchy toward our family here lately. Her sex drive has been decreasing over the past several months also. For the past 2 months she has had no sex drive whatsoever and says that she doesn't know why. She can't even stand to be touched by me at all any more, not even if I am just trying to lightly rub her leg or back, she just says that it bothers her. She has recently told me that she quit taking her meds about 3 weeks ago and I am having trouble convincing her to start taking them again. She truly is the love of my life and I would do anything for her but I am lost and confused on what to do. Is the deminished sex drive normal in Bi-polar patients? If so, what can we try to fix it? What can I do to be supportive to her and get through this together? I have been trying everything I can think of but nothing seems to be working. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

[Lilya]

Hi Craig,

I´m glad you found this board. You will find a lot of support and help here.

I think this is an adjustment phase you´re going through with your wife right now. Maybe her medication need to be adjusted and it´s real important she understands that - if she wants help.

It´s true that many Bi-polar patients don´t want to take the medication because of the side-effects. I have no idea what she is on, because I´m in France and we don´t have the same names for medication. Is this Lithium? I know medication for Bi-polars is usually Lithium with heavy side-effects and decrease in sexuality. But it can be adjusted.

It seems like your wife is going towards a manic phase since you say she keeps going and is instoppable. She is also not taking her medication. Her listnessness and decreased sex-drive could be pointing to a mixed episode, like you say. My advice to you is to talk to your doctor to find out more and get good advice and do read the thread "I need manic depression explained to me a little. Someone please help!" It has lots and lots of infos on the disease. Try not to push your wife. I´m not saying you do, but it usually makes things worse. Take care of yourself and your child and don´t panic.

This will probably pass, but in the meantime, read and get to know the disease you´re dealing with. Information is power. Also, don´t forget yourself and your own needs.

Good luck,

Use adversity

[ksos]

Hi Craig...

I am new to this board, but I'm the one with the Bi-Polar disorder and I agree with Lilya--people with Bi-Polor can be Hyper-sexual, Hypo-sexual, or Asexual. I mean, as a man, I cannot even begin to tell you that I've gone through periods that I wanted no sex with my wife, then I flipped and wanted sex constantly. I think that the disorder has to be properly medicated.

Seroquel is an atypical antipsychotic, which is used in treating people who have psychotic features. Bi-Polar Disorder can also have a psychotic component. Is she on any mood stabilizers like Depakote, Lithum, Tegretal, or Nuerontin? Like Lilya says, you'll can get much support here. These folks are really terrific I wish you two the best and please seek out the assistance of a psychiatrist to help her with her medications. They can only work if she takes them.

K

[Craig&Bri]

Thanks to both of you! At one time she was on Depakote but when they put her on the Seroquel they took her off of it. I sometimes wonder if Seroquel is the right drug for her because it seems like that is the same drug they were giving everyone at the hospital when she was there. She has tried other a.d. and didn't have much luck with them either. The ones I can think of are Paxil, Welbutrin and Lexapro. Does anyone know of any other drugs we can ask the doctor about that usually work well in Bi-Polar disorder?

[Heavens]

Hello!

My 2 cents worth. I am a manic-depressive, and I have had experiences with cycles or stages of what you are describing. With me, the two main things that I believe caused it were not the manic-depression itself, although that intensifies everything, I think. What caused me to go through a touch me not period was plain, simple exhaustion, which it sounds like you may be experiencing also. After I had my twins, I was in school full time and then worked full time and had two teenagers. The problem was complicated by my ex's (our marriage did not survive -- but there were a myriad of contributing factors there) alcoholism. Yet, I know that this touch me not phase of mine was seriously destructive to his feelings and to our marriage, and a major contributing cause to the dissolution of our marriage. As I look back, I see that no one was really looking at how exhausted I was. I would try to tell them, only when they complained, but no one seemed to listen. Exhaustion deserves more attention than we give it. Many women who try to take on jobs and still fulfill the majority of the housework suffer from it. The good news is, it is so treatable and temporary -- rest is the cure! And shared responsibility, perhaps.

The other time I had sexual dysfunction, my ex=boyfriend told me it was my medication and was side effects. He said he had experienced the same thing when he was on the same medicine (I won't name names as everyone's chemistry is different). Sexual side effects of anti-depressants can shut you down sexually, also, if you are experiencing them. I didn't believe him, thought I was just tired as before, and he insisted I change my medication. I changed it. The problem went away.

Hope you have a restful Sunday!

Love,
Nancy

[ksos]

Craig...

My advice is to read about the mood stabilizers very well. For me, I had gone through many anti-depressants, none of which worked and actually triggered mania--this is very common with Anti-depressant medications, until I found that Depakote and Effexor (which is the anti-depressant) were the right combination for me.

I tried Paxil and Wellbutrin without success. That doesn't mean that it doesn't work with others and please, heed the advice of an MD, preferably a psychiatrist in discussing alternatives.

I went to a recent conference where a frightening statistic was revealed regarding the huge percentage of folks who go to regular MDs for their psychiatric medications. Psychiatrists are trained far more in these medicines, which do require monitoring and observations of effects.

Sadly or gladly, from whatever end you are looking at it, there are excellent medication alternatives out there for people with Bi-Polar Disorder. Compliance is an issue for us. Weight gain, sexual manifestations, thinning hair, sleeplessness, or hypersommnia are real. The alternatives, though, are worse. I've been psychiatrically hospitalized twice in 10 years. I never want to go back.

K

[Craig&Bri]

I can't thank everyone on here enough! She has an appointment with a new psych. dr. toward the end of this month. I pray that they will be able to do something that will work because things just seem to keep getting worse. It is as if she is just never happy at all. I feel like the more I try to do to make her feel better, the worse her moods get and I am having a lot of trouble dealing with this. At times I feel like there is no hope for us to have a happy life together but I also know how good things can be when she doesn't seem so grouchy and depressed all the time. I wish I could go with her and talk to the doctor so that I would be able to understand more about her, but she says that the doctor will not let me do that. Thanks again for everyones advise!

[Heavens]

Love ya!

And remember, the bad times always pass! Hang in there! Bad moods, bad days, bad times, they don't last forever. Nothing does. Ride it out one day at a time, and your Higher Power is with you, holding you through it all.

LOL,
and peace,
Nancy

[Craig&Bri]

ksos: I have been reading all the posts on this board and I have noticed in several of your posts you talk about your wife that you are separated from. Please don't take offense to this but I get the feeling, from what all you have written, that you seem to have regrets about your separation. Maybe you should tell her some of the things that you post on here, about how you realize that you had everything you could of wanted and about how she was there for you. If you really feel this way, maybe it is not too late to save your marriage. If I am wrong about your feelings toward her then I greatly apologize for writing this. But it seems as if you may be going through what I went through with my wife a little over a year ago. When she went through a very bad episode and she left me and did a lot of really bad things that I thought I could never forgive her for. We actually ended up getting divorced. But, once she started seeming more like her old self, we were able to work through our problems and have been very happy ever since then until here recently. I had even been planning on asking her to marry me again on, what would be, our anniversary that is coming up. That is one thing that confuses me the most; She has told several people within the past 2 months how lucky she is to have me after everything she did and how much she loves me, but for about a month now she has been making me feel like she could care less about me because of the attitude she has had. I am just hoping that we can work through this again and be happy together. Maybe your wife can see in you what I see in Bri and maybe you 2 can work things out. Again, I am sorry if I am stepping somewhere that I shouldn't but it just seems to me that you may have some regrets.
Craig

[ksos]

Craig...

No, you haven't went too far and my marital problems are a key issue because they stem from my recent relapse into marijuana, which led to my other behaviors which ripped away all of the remaining trust that my wife ever had in me. You are right. I do regret what is happening. My wife is a beautiful, intelligent, loyal, and honest woman who I took gross advantage of. She was there for me during my two psychiatric hospitalizations in the mid-nineties and helped me get through one of the most painful detoxifications in Klonopin. She held me together when I thought my world was crumbling and I was ready to kill myself. Finally, she gave me the most beautiful red-headed child one could ever dream of . My daughter is so special--like her mom.

We have mutually agreed to separate and there are no promises that we will ever get back together again. It is a sad time for her and I, since we've known each other since we were 24 and we are now both 40. We grew up together, and she is my best friend. Sadly, my actions towards her haven't been reflective of how I truly feel about her. Nevertheless, although we have had to enlist lawyers in hammering out a separation agreement, we remain on the same page regarding what needs to be the priority. That is our daughter. Also, it is the attempt to discover whether or not we can truly and honestly be together not out of dependence or co-dependence, but out of pure love and true caring.

I am so grateful that you asked me about this as today was a particularly sad day since we are nearing the moment that major decisions such as custody issues, monetary arrangements, etc. are going to be decided. Although we are going to be apart, we have agreed to going to counseling once a week--not necessarily for reconciliation, although that is a possibility, but to learn how to communicate better with one another. So far, it's been extremely helpful, albeit painful.

One of the best things about this forum is the caring people give to one another. I have had difficulty in being open in face to face meetings, especially with my sexual addiction issues. I also am ashamed of my mental health history. No one here has judged me and I have only been met with kind words and support from people like you. In essence, nothing is off-limits if I put it out there, LOL!

K

[Craig&Bri]

ksos,
Man, I wish you the best of luck. I know you are going through some very hard times. Last year when we were split up was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I am only 26 and this was my second divorce but I had a much harder time dealing with this one than I did with my first wife. I am so thankful that we are together now and I just hope that we can work through our current problems because I don't want either of us to go through that again.
I am glad to hear that you are both putting your daughter as top priority. Divorce and separation can be very hard on kids. My parents divorced when I was 6. And I have a son with my first wife that is almost 7. So, I know first hand how it can affect kids. My ex and I try to get along as much as possible for his sake but I can tell that he still gets confused sometimes. That is one problem between Bri and I, she doesn't understand that I am friends with my ex for my sons sake and that's all. Sometimes I think she is afraid that there is more to it than that and nothing I can say or do convinces her otherwise even though I have never done anything to make her think I would ever cheat on her.

Anyways, I really do feel for you because I know these are very bad times and if I can give you any kind of support just let me know.
Good Luck,
Craig

[Mamabear]

Dear Craig,

The very best thing you can do is to take care of yourself. When my son was first diagnosed as bipolar, I promptly did a tailspin into a depression I can't seem to lick. The pain was overwhelming. Over and over I have heard folks tell me to focus on me and initially I thought that was the most absurd thing in the world. It is the only thing that works. To maintain your loving relationship you will need to be grounded and well. Comfort yourself. Pamper yourself. Help yourself heal. Energize yourself with exercise. Pray to your higher power. And keep talking about it. There are so many people who can aoffer support. You do not walk alone.
you have my very best wishes.
Mamabear
p.s. the med that seems to be helping our son is called abilify. It's very new and is primarily used for schizophrenia but recently approved for bipolar disorders. It is used in combination w/ an antidepressant. It is his 3rd drug combination and took some time to find.