Affairs of The Heart?

[ksos]

One of the manifestations of my Bi-Polar Disorder is becoming involved with drugs, spending money, internet porn or, in this case which I'm writing about, women. Not in a physical sense, believe it or not, but via the telephone or e-mail and, actually my marital problems began when I re-established phone contact with an old lover of mine in 1995. I was subsequently hospitalized after "crashing" from her not calling me anymore back then and I hadn't spoke to her since. That is, until February of this year.

It is twenty years since I had seen this woman, but I never, ever forgot her. I was 19 years old and she was 26, married with a son, when we met in University. We became fast friends and approximately a year later, she left her husband. Our relationship was strickly platonic at first but that, of course, changed. I soon moved in with her and we lived together for about 8 months. To make a long story short, she went back with her husband, eventually moved to another state, and, like I said, we never saw each other again.

I rekindled a phone relationship with her this year after I relapsed. The fact of the matter is that I never forgot her and thought of her pretty often. The original relationship was highly sexualized without much substance, really, but the reality for me was that she turned me on. Big time.

The phone calls turned into long e-mails, which I received at work, and we still kept in touch on the phone once a week. Why I am writing this is that today, I received an e-mail from her that said that she would not communicate with me anymore based on my separation. She didn't come off as angry, but I sensed that she was assuming responsibility for my current problems. I looked at the computer screen and couldn't believe what she had wrote. I guess she is doing the right thing, but just one week before she sent me a long note describing...well, let's put it this way, having a sexual relationship with me again.

I am feeling depressed and happy about this right now. I know that today I am doing okay and I don't need this type of junk in my life, but, at the same time, I feel such loss. She always said we were soul mates and now she wrote me saying that she still has a place for me in her heart, but that I should get back with my wife and that she was in the way.

I'm probably feeling lonely as it's going on four months that I've been apart from my spouse. I just don't know why I do these things, getting involved with these ridiculous relationships which never amount to anything, but pain. And the sick thing is I always throw out the good ones.

K

[Lilya]

Ksos,

I truly understand what you´re going through. I struggled through the same things for many years. When the "minitel rose" (The pink internet) came to Paris in the late eighties, many people started to correspond through that medium. It was only available in France, if I remember right. I "met" many such partners through the minitel and felt sicker and sicker. I dated some of them and finally I came to believe the attraction I had for this was caused by my inability to commit - you don´t have to commit through the screen or phone - and secondly that relationships based on this were pure fantasy. I could almost "tailor" the men I had contact with in my mind. Maybe this is why many such relationships today via the internet won´t last long (when both partners are sick and not using any program to heal themselves).

When they do there is much obsession and fantasy linked to it and the trust is obscure. I believe lasting relationships are based on trust and for sick people like us, it is best to start slowly by being friends and let the trust be the key.

I would like to point out the book "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood. Many men have used that book by reading it from the feamle point of view. She explains very well how obsessive relationships are created; linked to alcholism and dysfunctional families of origin. She recommends staying in a twelve step program while working on ten steps.

The steps are as follows:
1. Go for help.
2. Make your own recovery the first priority in your life.
3. Find a support group of peers who understand.
4. Develop your spiritual side through daily practice.
5. Stop managing and controlling others.
6. Learn not to get hooked into the games.
7. Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings.
8. Cultivate whatever needs to be developed in yourself.
9. Become "selfish" (cultivate your own needs rather then others).
10. Share with others what you have experienced and learned.

I have been organizing groups in Paris using these means since 1994 - they are part of SLAA, called "Femmes dépendantes affectives et amoureuses anonymes" and I´ll be happy to discuss with you what these steps implies.

Use adversity