Bi-Polar/Sexual Addiction?

[ksos]

I am new to this entire forum and posted on this board, but also on the Newcomers' forum a few times. I am now in the midst of a divorce with my wife of 14 years based on a drug relapse, but also based on her discovering that I've been frequenting porn sites and calling ex-girlfriends via my cell phone, costing up to $400.00 per month. I know that I am an addict but I also have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder for a few years.

I am adept at denial, but the involvement with the porn really disgusts me and my marrage has been destroyed over this. I think that the pot issue would have been much easier for my wife to have dealt with, but her finding out about my secret web activity was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Prior to medication which I take without resistance, I was wrought with anger, horrible mood swings, wild spending sprees, and, yes, I always wanted to have sex, irrespective of how I was behaving towards my wife or the time of day or night. I'm wondering if BI-Polar Disorder's symptomology, which does include hypersexuality is often mistaken for sexual addiction? Or am I just fishing for an excuse, which is what many have told me.?

I haven't been on the sites in six months and don't feel a need to go on them--maybe this is a result of my trying to work on myself--I'm not sure. I just wonder about the connection between this and Bi-Polar Disorder...

K

[Paulie]

Hi and welcome back -

I am not really sure I have an answer to your question. I don't know anything really about bi-polar disorder.

Are you using it as an excuse? Only you know the answer to that and if you look inside you and be honest with yourself, you will find the answer.

Sex Sex Sex and More Sex

by Kimberly Bailey and Marcia Purse


Do you spend excessive time obsessing about sex or engaged in sexual activity?

Do you feel your sexual drive and activity is getting out of control?

Do you have sex with people with whom you normally would not associate?

Have people you trust expressed concern about your sexual activity?
(from Sexual Compulsives Anonymous)
Perhaps you are struggling with hypersexuality. Hypersexuality is an increased need, even pressure, for sexual gratification and is often a symptom of mania. It may also include decreased inhibitions or a need for "forbidden" sex. Wonder shares "I have a very low sex drive unless I'm manic, in which case I'm willing to do it with anyone or anything, male or female, married or unmarried - all my morals go right out the window. I have gotten myself in serious trouble this way. Aaaagggh!!" Malichia shares, "I'll go a few weeks and have to be with my husband every night, sometimes waking him up in the middle of the night if I wake up."
Hypersexuality is one of the things that can ruin a bipolar person's marriage or committed relationship. In these days where sexually transmitted diseases can kill, unrestrained hypersexuality can also be deadly. Not every person who has bipolar disorder experiences this, but for those who do, it may be a serious problem. Finding the right combination of bipolar medications to control mania is an essential step toward keeping hypersexuality from becoming destructive.

However, for some people, the hypersexuality of mania goes even farther and becomes an addiction. Sexual addictions are very real. Jennifer P. Schneider, MD, PhD states that "addiction to sexual activities can be just as destructive as addiction to chemical substances."1 Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., the researcher who first identified sexual addiction as a condition, has estimated that about 8% of men and 3% of women from the population in the US are sexually addicted. This constitutes over 15 million people in this country alone!2

Unquestionably, sex is an intricate and important part of life. Pick up a book or magazine, turn on the television or radio, log onto the internet, listen to the conversation of friends or lovers, and you will undoubtedly find sexual content. Think of a few adjectives, and at least one of them has probably been used to describe sex - hot, mad, wild, fun, domineering, beautiful, complicated, intense, unrestrained ... see? But since the means of sexual expression vary widely from culture to culture, men to women, individual to individual, an obvious question arises: just what comprises a sexual addiction?

According to The Counseling Affiliates, an addiction is at work when sex becomes shameful, secret or abusive.3 The Mayo Clinic defines sexual addiction as a loss of control and utilizes the word compulsive. "Compulsive sexual behavior refers to spending inordinate amounts of time in sexual-related activity, to the point that one neglects important social, occupational or recreational activities in favor of sexual behavior."4 The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity further illustrates this addiction by outlining several key components: "Compulsivity, that is, loss of the ability to choose freely whether to stop or to continue; Continuation of the behavior despite adverse consequences, such as loss of health, job, marriage, or freedom; Obsession with the activity."5

The above are the broad patterns of behavior of sexual addiction. There are also a number of specific behaviors which are common to those who struggle with this addiction. These behaviors include: compulsive masturbation, compulsive sex with prostitutes, anonymous sex with multiple partners (one night stands), multiple affairs outside a committed relationship, frequent patronizing of sexually-oriented establishments, habitual exhibitionism, habitual voyeurism, inappropriate sexual touching, sexual abuse of children, and rape.6 In addition to these, fantasy sex, prostitution, pedophilia, masochism, fetishes, sex with animals and cross-dressing may also be behaviors of the sexual addict.7

It is important to note here that any one of these behaviors in and of itself does not constitute an addiction (though it may constitute deviant or illegal behavior, which is beyond the scope of this article). It is a combination of these behaviors along with the compulsivity previously discussed that comprises a sexual addiction.

When someone wrote to Ask the Bipolar Expert about a bipolar friend addicted to internet pornography, the doctor pointed out that this kind of behavior can be "driven, at least in part, by the physical activation, heightened sensory and sexual interest, and risk-taking that characterize mania." Another celebrated case where sexual gratification overcame all good judgment was that of Mary Kay Letourneau, who had an affair with a 13-year-old boy (see sidebar). Finally, Ask the Bipolar Expert noted that while there have been no systematic studies, there appears to be an unusually high correlation between bipolar disorder and a history of child sexual abuse, which could be explained by the fact that bipolar disorder is so often inherited, and the parent abuser may well have done so due to his or her own manic depression. In these cases, hypersexuality appears to have led to compulsive, reckless, or deviant behavior.

Sexual addictions can have a high price: financially, in outrageous charges from prostitutes or phone sex calls; career-wise, if your behavior causes you to lose your job (as could happen in the case of a person accessing internet pornography on the job); personally, by destroying relationships; and health-wise, if indiscriminate sexual contacts lead to disease. If you are concerned about your own behavior and wonder if you could be struggling with this type of addiction, several online self-tests (links below) are available to assist in determining if you should seek professional advice.

If you are bipolar and experience hypersexuality to a degree that is causing turmoil in your personal life, you need to discuss this with your doctors. If you are determined to have developed a true sexual addiction, then additional sexual counseling/therapy may be necessary in addition to the treatment you are receiving for bipolar disorder.<b>References:</b><p>
¹<A href="http://www.ncsac.org/">The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity</A><br>

²<A HREF="http://www.sexaddictionhelp.com/index.html" >The Counseling Affiliates - Sexual Addiction</A>

It is often best to attend some form of group while receiving treatment for sexual addiction and compulsivity. The group may or may not be a 12-step program but the group setting can allow individuals to practice new ways of interacting with others and try new behaviors in a safe place.<br><br>

There are five fellowships that provide 12-step support to sexual addicts:

<li><a
href="http://www.sa.org" target="newWindow">Sexaholics Anonymous</a></li>

<li><a href="http://www.sexaa.org" target="newWindow">Sex Addicts Anonymous</a></li>

<li><a href="http://www.slaafws.org" target="newWindow">Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous</a></li>

<li><a href="http://www.sexualrecovery.org" target="newWindow">Sexual Recovery Anonymous</a></li>

<li><a href="http://www.sca-recovery.org" target="newWindow">Sexual Compulsives Anonymous</a></li>

Twenty Questions
Do you frequently experience remose, depression, or guilt about your sexual activity?
Do you feel your sexual drive and activity is getting out of control? Have you repeatedly tried to stop or reduce certain sexual behaviors, but inevitably you could not?
Are you unable to resist sexual advances, or turn down sexual propositions when offered?
Do you use sex to escape from uncomfortable feelings such as anxiety, fear, anger, resentment, guilt, etc. which seem to disappear when the sexual obsession starts?
Do you spend excessive time obsessing about sex or engaged in sexual activity?
Have you neglected your family, friends, spouse or relationship because of the time you spend in sexual activity?
Do your sexual pursuits interfere with your work or professional development?
Is your sexual life secretive, a source of shame, and not in keeping with your values? Do you lie to others to cover up your sexual activity?
Are you afraid of sex? Do you avoid romantic and sexual relationships with others and restrict your sexual activity to fantasy, masturbation, and solitary or anonymous activity?
Are you increasingly unable to perform sexually without other stimuli such as pornography, videos, "poppers," drugs/alcohol, "toys," etc.?
Do you have to resort increasingly to abusive, humiliating, or painful sexual fantasies or behaviors to get sexually aroused?
Has your sexual activity prevented you from developing a close, loving relationship with a partner? Or, have you developed a pattern of intense romantic or sexual relationships that never seem to last once the excitement wears off?
Do you only have anonymous sex or one-night stands? Do you usually want to get away from your sexual partner after the encounter?
Do you have sex with people with whom you normally would not associate?
Do you frequent clubs, bars, adult bookstores, restrooms, parks and other public places in search of sexual partners?
Have you ever been arrested or placed yourself in legal jeopardy for your sexual activity?
Have you ever risked your physical health with exposure to sexually transmitted diseases, especially AIDS, by engaging in "unsafe" sexual activity?
Has the money you spent on pornography, videos, phone sex, or hustlers/prostitutes strained your financial resources?
Have people you trust expressed concern about your sexual activity?
Does life seem meaningless and hopeless without a romantic or sexual relationship?

[jesica]

Thanks for that morning glory. I personally feel that bipolar was the cause of the poor judgement and lack of control for my sex life until I was diagnosed and treated. From the time I turned 15 I was really bad from the word go. I don't have those impulses/behavior/feelings anymore. Now that I'm on medication.

It is hard for me to separate my addiction and my bipolar and enviromental factors. I believe in this instance, I personally let that part of my history lie with bipolar and move on.

It also explained a lot of my behavior to myself and was like a light bulb going on in my head. I wish I could have been diagnosed sooner, but I wouldn't trade one moment of the peace I've had since being diagnosed for anything.


Good to hear from you, I have had the same question myself.

Jesica

[ksos]

Thank you as well, Morning Glory. I never realized that I would receive so much relevant information. Talk about relating to the content

I also think as someone said here that only I know if I'm using my Bi-Polar Disorder as an excuse for my behavior. My acting out has been limited to the web sites and to my wife, but all of the compulsions, obsessive thoughts, auto-eroticism,et al are there. The use of chemicals also is predominate as I've said before. I really appreciate the links which I will access ASAP.

I never imagined how damaging my behavior could be. I know that this is no revelation to other members here, but I just cannot believe the connection between addiction and destruction of one's entire life. Yes, as I could readily admit, while my marrage has went down the tubes, I am so afraid of the thought of my wife ever accepting me back, no matter how slim of a chance that I have in that happening. I fear intimacy. I fear being committed to a human being as my therapist(s) have always told me. It's so easy to resort to a computer and look at those who have been exploited for creeps like me. I really hate myself for ever going on the web and logging in to those damned sites.

You all have been so supportive since I joined the forum and it gives me hope that others can relate and also give so much information as well.

Thanks as always..
K

[Lilya]

Hello Ksos,

This is an interesting topic for me and thank you for bringing it up. When I was diagnosed with bipolar many things fell into place. I understood my severe troubles in youth and as a young adult. I was arrested for soliciting when I was sixteen and had children with men I never knew, escept for one who was a bodyguard in New York. That´s all I know. I ruined my relationships by overspending and having lovers, watching porn and compulsive masturbation.

I believe Jesica says it for me. I couldn´t control my sexdrive because of my bipolar disease - excessive sexual behaviour and spending is a text book exemple - and sexual addiction was thrown in as well with my alchohol abuse (I´m sober 17 years). I don´t feel the need anymore to sleep around since I got the meds, but when I meet someone I get chemistry from I feel my mania is surfacing, so I have to remain vigilante and using the reason to guide me. I take care of it as well with meds and therapy, plus creative work and lots of exercise.

I decided to become celibate for some time to really work on this delicate but important issue. But I´m aware sex and intimacy are important too, but it´s difficult to navigate right now.

I wish you the best of luck with all of this. It´s a big issue and we all need support where we are not judged but made to feel welcome. Come back and share.

Morning Glory, thank you for all this info. You´re truly amazing.

Use adversity

[ksos]

Lilya...

Your story reminds me so much of mine. The destructiveness of behavior. I have been celebate since May as my wife and I don't sleep together anymore since our marital separation and I am not involved with anyone else, but also because we did discuss the role that compulsive, damaging sex has had on our marrage. It's okay for me at this point to be alone. Celibacy is just what I need right now, along with supportive friends.

The medication that I take for Bi-Polar probably has stopped me from acting out in the worst way possible. When I was manic, I was all over the place--from drugs--to women--to porn--to masturbation--to compulsive weight lifting--to spending myself into five figure debt. But I do regret that I slipped in February of this year into smoking pot which led me back to the porn, which, in turn, led me to make hundreds of dollars of phone calls to women, which, of course, led my spouse to file for divorce. I am beginning to think that my disorder was activated by the use of marijuana. All of this could have and should have been avoided by me--That's the really sad part.

K

[Lilya]

Ksos,

Of course you´re sad, and I´m sorry for your loss.

However, you have learned many important things about yourself and your disease. The future is before you and now you possess valuable information about your sexuality. I´ve known many people with similar past you and I are stuck with, to recover and be good and giving partners.

The problem I face right now - and have in the past - is what is the accepted level of masturbation and number of partners in sobriety?

I´ve run many Sex and Love Addiction groups in Paris, where I live, but I have never been able to pinpoint what is healthy and what is not. People have different level of libido, and our culture defines us as well. As a French woman I have different regards to sex then some other European people - no offense, Euros - and what my English ex-husband use to think depraved, I found normal, and other French friends agreed with me.

I think there is a fine line defining this, just like obese people have to struggle with. You have to eat, but how much? I find it even more difficult to define healthy sexual conduct.

I would like some feedback on this. Morning Glory, do you have the wisdom to know the difference?

Ksos, I hope you stay in touch and post. There is a real healing power in having support and real soon that support starts to work it´s magic.

Use adversity

Lilya,

I am the wrong person to ask. I have standards for myself based on my beliefs in God. I will tell you that it is possible to go 11 years without sex, lol.

I don't think you could go without eating for that long, lol.

Maybe someone with more liberal beliefs will be able to answer your questions.

Hugs,
MG

[Juls]

Lilya,

I think for the most part, if you are not hurting yourself, and if you are not hurting others, if you are being safe, then it's allright. However, if one's sexual activities is interfering in their lives, and one is obsessing about them, then that is a sign of dysfunction.

Also if one is not able to have a stable, good relationship with one person, but needs to have different partners, than that can mean a deep fear of real intimacy.

When I was in school getting my MS in psych, we were required to take several courses in Human Sexuality. I learned about things that I had never even heard of before. The reason this is done is to expose you to the different issues of human sexuality, so that if it comes up when you are counseling someone you will know how to handle it. Or if you are too uncomfortable with it, you will know that.

Like for me I knew that I would not be able to counsel a child molester, due to what had happened to me. I would be unable to be ojective.

Juls

[ksos]

Lilya...

I just recognized a trigger for me--I received a call from a young woman who I supervised as a social work intern a few years back. She had called for a job reference--she was an excellent intern--and I found myself thinking about ways in which I could "meet" with her and give her a letter in person. Of course, what I wanted to do, was far different.

I never felt guilty about masturbating until what happened with my marital life. I just have no desire, whatsoever. This is why I am wary of any sexual experiences, even those deemed healthy. My wife once asked me if I ever had a healthy sexual experience in my life. I said, "Yes, with you." And I believe that it was true, although, when we were having sex, I never wanted to stop--since I never focused on the essence of what it was all about. The masturbation compulsion, as I can recall, was constant from the time I was eleven, until adulthood. It was like a short-acting drug with a euphoric high and a horrible crash.

It shouldn't be that way. Sex is a part of a relationship, right? Not just an activity to release energy? This is what I've been told by my spouse, at least. Other women I've been with I think were sexual addicts as well as drug users and there were never any so-called problems in the sex department--the relationships inevitably failed for other reasons, though.

The balance that you bring up is an excellent point. Despite all I have written, I am without any suggestion as I am too new to this and have taken the stance that avoidance is the best route to take. Anything. A phone call. A glance from another. A letter from an Ex. All of these things can activate my self-destructiveness. And I wish that I could find that balance and self-control one day.

Peace and Hope.

K

[Lilya]

Ksos,

I guess in our minds, sex equals self-destructiveness, based on our past experiences, and also we have not the guidelines to steer our desire. I am hoping that some day I can find these guidelines, but they are not with me today. I call it the wisdom to know the difference.

I am not sure if masturbation is that bad. In my society and culture it´s recommended and I grew up with the notion that it´s not good to suppress the urge. Most shrinks have urged me to do it as often as I like, but in private, of course.

I think the sainest sexual relationship I had was with a man when I was already married and my husband and I decided to be with other people for a while. My lover did not demand anything from me and neither did I from him but we grew to respect each other for the year and half we had together. When we decided to stop seeing each other it ended in friendship. I always think of that man with kindness and there is not a shread of bitterness. I think that the reason why I felt so good with him was because we were both married and our partners knew and accepted this.

It´s funny you should mention your trigger. I had one today - and I need help. I twill post it in a new thread. Meanwhile, I hope we can help each other. This is one of my biggest hurdles in recovery.

I need to think about your comment if sex should be part of a relationship. To be frank, I´m not sure. I think two people can be lovers and not share a real relationship and maybe that would be the best choice for me right now, as I´m so scared of commitment.

Juls and Morning Glory, thanks for your kind comments.

Use adversity