Allowing people to get undir my skin

[Lilya]

Oh boy, sometimes people attack in groups!

I´m so sick and tired of fighting with my mother, my alcoholic sister and a vicious sister-in-law. They are all siding against me and my other brother in the conflict the family is going through because of my father who is dying more every day in a nursinghome.

I love my father so much and we are so close. It breaks my heart to see him so unhappy in his last months.

It´s funny how people will always use your past against you. Probably human nature. I try to use everything the 12 step program has tought me - but there is no way I can reason with them. They just repeat everything ad infini and cannot speak clearly and directly about this difficult problem. If I stated my request calmly and clearly, they start screaming. They keep saying my mother is a saint and my father an awful man. The truth is my mother is a victim and has never been able to speak her mind clearly. I´m going nuts with co-ordinating with my father´s doctors and then have every plan knocked down by my mother, sister and sister-in-law.

I know I´m allowing them to irritate me, but I have difficulties being functional in an Addam´s Family.

Could someone give me some support, please? This is getting such a strain.

Use adversity

[Juls]

Actually Lilya,

It doesn't sound like an Addams family cause they had fun. You are not having fun.

I think one of the worst things, or one of the things that seems to bring out the worst in people, is dealing with a dying relative. You are the sane one, dealing with the insanity of those around you. You have to remember that you are powerless, over any of it. Over whether your family contradicts your actions, over whether your father is unhappy in his last days, and maybe over your emotions too at this point.

Watching a loved one die is so hard. I went through it with my mom. I felt so helpless. At least though it was pretty much only me having to make the decisions, and I did not have to contend with a bunch of dysfunctional relatives. Only one, my brother.

What are you concerns at this point in terms of your fathers care, do you think that your family will make wrong decisions. Usually it would be the wife that makes the decisions for the care of the husband.

Try to turn it over, to give yourself some peace of mind. Your father knows you love him, and will be at peace when he is released from this world.

Juls

[Mamabear]

Oh Lilya,

What a painful time.
Is there time for you to be alone with your father? Just being there is doing so much.
Boy. the dysfunction sure intensify when someone is dying. They did in our family.
Is there someone you can go to just for a hug amidst the chaos?
Just having the validation from another is often helpful.
I will pray for you and your dad, Lilya
(((((peace)))))
Mamabear

[Lilya]

Thank you, Juls and Mamabear,

I got a lot of support just by reading your replies.

I finally decided to put an end to this mess and called a meeting with the Chief MD at my father´s hospital. We decided on a date to settle my father´s fate, once and for all, and I told him I would not contact the rest of the family, because of the problems I´ve had with them so he asked the nurses to contact them. They will all be there, also my brother the doctor and his wife.

My sister tried to call me, drunk, but I put the phone down. Her husband tried to call me then, he was suffering from a hangover, but I told him I refused to talk to anybody in a mind altering state or if they were mixing medication. No comment from him.

I went to my father after work and we had a lovely moment together. I read to him from one of my short stories collection and then we talked about our crazy life in Spain, Thailand, Marocco, Scandinavia and so on. An old artist came to see him after that and I left them together. My father told me he had one wish for me, that if I would remarry, he hoped I would never to marry an artist. I whole-heartedly agreed with him.

So, it´s under control for the moment. I will try not to get into more fights with them. I only wish for peace and quiet. I will regroup myself before going over the estate, which is already rife with problems. But another day for that!

Thank you both for good advice and wonderful support.

Use adversity