Help! I need a reality check..

[soulsurvivor]

This isnt a life or death situation, but I would like some input from others. I know i struggle with co dependant behaviors and interperting words/actions from others so i need help with my latest situation.
I have a friend who has been basically my best friend for 15 years. Yes he's a guy and were not involved like that!! GUY AND GIRLS CAN BE FRIENDS WITHOUT sexual crap.. anyway..
we have both had trouble dating as the ppl we date often feel jeleous of our friendship...
about 3 months ago my friend started dating a new girl., he really likes her and as soon as she met me she started in with all the jealeous crap.. my friend told her I wasnt goin no where so get along or hit the road basically..
I have no problems with her its her insecurities I'm assuming...
ANyway.. we also work the same job so are together everyday.
as soon as he started dating this girl i noticed he being very short with me, even rude.. my co workers noticed it too and asked what was goin on with him. i kept asking if something happened or is it this chic the reason he is being as ASS to me.. he kept saying no.. it has nothing to do with her..

we had been arguing for a few days over dumb stuff.. like he was upset I didnt park my truck perfectly straight in our paking lot..?? crazy stuff.. so we went out to lunch to finally hash this out..
he tells me.. That I dont respect him and that I talk loudly when he is on the phone ON Purpose to disrespect him.. ??? our other 2 co workers i dont do this to.. Im like WTF???
so i reiterated 4 times.. YOU REALLY THING us being best friends for 15 years,, your in my will to take my son should I die,, that I would disrespect you or be rude to YOU on Purpose!!! seriously... he said yes that because were so close I dont feel the need to have respect for him and Ifeel i can treat him like crap..
I was flabbergasted.. and actully crying in the restraunt. I told him that he was my best friend and I cannot believe I would actully treat him like that ON PURPOSE.. I admit I am loud and its a small office but its because I 'm an airhead and not paying attn when somones on the phone...
He said NO,,, I do it to him on purpose and not the others..
It has been about a month and we have not talked., it has caused alot of tension in our little office..
I am REALLY hurt.. I would not hurt anyone ON PURPOSE that I knew for 15 minutes,. let alone for 15 years.. I feel like I have spent so much love and admiration on this person yet this is what he thinks of me!???
I feel robbed.. like i've wasted time on this person.. Like if you were with someone for a year and find out they were cheating on you the whole time. I feel like I've wasted respect I have for him that he obvioulsy dont have for me..

I know I can be dramatic... Its not that I'm mad at him.. i am sad.. I am VERY hurt... and I honestly dont know what to say to him. I feel like i REALLY dont know him if this is what he really thinks of me..
my co workers say were both being dramatic but I am truely hurt and no longer trust him..
AM I BEING DRAMATIC OR DO MY FEELINGS SEEM LEGIT???

[Astro]

Not up to me to tell you whether you're dramatic or not, it's a tough situation and I know it hurts, I've tried maintaining close friendships with members of the opposite sex when I'm in a relationship.......it's very difficult to do as feelings of jealousy and misunderstanding often arise. And I also believe that when I'm involved with someone and serious about our relationship, I might have to detach from other ones.

Have you considered CoDA meetings? I'd like to share this reading with you also, it's helped me to let go of some of those "tricky" friendships and relationships I've had in recovery......

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Moving On

Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.
—Codependent No More

Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.

This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.

Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.

Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.

If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.

We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.

Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.

Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.

Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.

We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.

No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.

Our needs will get met.

Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

[soulsurvivor]

i have invited her over.. its not like I've tried to keep her out.. I have no problem with her or with him in a relationship.. but I DO have a problem with being treated like crap!
My friends says its his way of detatching from me... either for himself or for her..
I'm like OK.. so what happens if they break up?? is he gonna come running back and expect things to be like they used to be???

[Astro]

Originally Posted by soulsurvivor

I'm like OK.. so what happens if they break up?? is he gonna come running back and expect things to be like they used to be???

He might. It'll be up to you to decide whether you want that or to set a boundary.

I tried to maintain a friendship with a woman I met in recovery while I was dating my fiancee. I thought it would work, and I couldn't have been more wrong. I kept breaking up with my fiancee over it, I was putting her through hell because of my commitment issues and my friendship with a sick person.

If your friend feels that detaching from you is the best decision, why not honor and respect his wish?

[soulsurvivor]

i dont consider myself bad for him. he spends holidays with my family.. Me with his.. he takes my son fishing.. ect.. we ARE a part of eachothers lives.. and have been for over a decade..
i can see him spending less and less time with me and more with her,, kinda unspoken.. I expect that... have no problem with that.. but the fact that he is being an ass is unnecesasary..
He had made plans to watch my son for me so I could go out for my birthday with my friends. she then says she wants them to do something. my friend tells her he already promised me first.. she threw a hissy fit.. saying if i he cared more about me than her then maybe they shouldnt be together... ?? is she 12?? who says that? we are 35 yrs old.??

[Astro]

Sometimes I have to ask myself.....is this a friendship that I should nurture, that's beneficial to me.....or do I need to move on and make new, long-lasting and supportive friendships?

[ClayTheScribe]

I'm kind of stunned you all are 35 years old, this sounds very juvenile. He's a guy, he's found a woman he really likes, she's jealous about what you have as friends because she's so insecure, she lays down the law and says it's either me or her, he, not wanting to lose the relationship, feels he has to be an a$$hole to drive you away from him so you'll stop liking him. Guys are pretty predictable, but typically not this immature about it at 35, I would hope. That's just my guess about the situation. I'm not sure you want to continue a friendship with someone like this if he's willing to put a new girlfriend's jealousy before a 15-year-long friendship. Even if he does breakup with her, there's no telling he won't do the same thing in another relationship. Though I know it must be hard to deal with ending a friendship like that. And personally, I have several female friends and none of the people I've dated or been interested in have expressed jealousy. I kinda fail to see what he sees in someone with such insecurities, unless she's super hot and he's superficial.

Use your best judgment, just don't set yourself up to be hurt.

Good luck

[Rancorous]

I hate to say this, but it sounds like your guy friend is completely whipped. Theres probably nothing you can do without sinking to his level of immaturity. I'd just wait it out, with luck, they'll break up and he'll come crawling back to apologize.

[soulsurvivor]

i agree with you guys.. Yes we all are 35.. I've never liked him like that. he's like the Brother I never had.... I would expect to be in his wedding and he in mine until now of course.. it just hurts... yet at the same time I dont want to jump into more drama and blame this on her and say shes the culprip bc i feel if He held our friendship as in high regards as I did... HE would put her in her place.. I shouldnt have to point it out to him..
I guess I'm kinda griefing... he is the one I would call at midnight if I got a flat tire.. I co signed for him on his house ect...
idk... it just sucks...

[uk62]

IN your first post where you use capitols so show everyone that you can just be friends with the oppersite sex, I thought, hmm, I wonder if its your own reasurance you are seeking? Honestly, even in friendships there are things we don't like about another person, and using the fact that your friend is in your will to look after your child if anything happened to you, is rather wierd. Sounds like you have learnt to repress any negative feelings you have about another, and its slipping out in a passive aggressive way. Even my most favourite person can sometimes **** me off.