The aloneness during my sobriety...

[swampy]

Hey guys.. what's up? I was just thinking how alone I felt when I had 18 months of sobriety last time. alone by not meeting other people and dating. I felt like i was going crazy.now I have about 3 days, I have relapsed about 5 times in the last 2 months. Was the real me just boring? I just did not feel attractive, when I was drinking I would approach women and be successfull sometimes. I thought by that time (18 months) I would have had the "special person" and just more going on, hence that is why I relapsed. Stupid, i know. I take anti-depression meds and they seemed to worked until about 8 months ago. sorry rambling again. In my life I have just always seemed so by myself and not connected to anyone, like an outsider. I have or had alot going for me, talented graphic designer, I am told nice looking, musical talents. Now I am unemployed, kicked out my band, and living with parents. I know I am all over the place with this posting, but there was just this constant loneliness in sobriety. I have a meeting home group and have been to others, just cannot seem to connect. My sponsor says I sometimes look unapproachable, because I do not smile alot. I don't know, I am a mess again and trying to get back on track. Thanks for reading.

[NewBeginning010]

Hi Swampy,

I find myself withdrawing from activities & seeing friends out right now. Just trying to stay clear of any stress I guess. I find keeping busy & trying to be active is helping me to get by a day at a time.

I started to do some active activities with some groups of people at Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup.com such as hiking, mountain biking & tennis etc. I have also made some new friends. Maybe you can help a graphic design group/meetup, there are a lot of people that would greatly appreciate the opportunity to learn a little bit about what you do (maybe you will find some new business opportunities while meeting some new people).

Its tough when you make these big changes, I got used to drinking to make boring things seem fun (sitting around a table of drunks BSing). Now I need to find things that really interest me to keep my attention which is a good thing in the end.

Get out & get back into some of the healthy active things you used to do or have had an interest in. Check out the classifieds & craigslist for bands/people looking to jam/new band members.

All of the best,

NB

P.S. I see that you have been a member here for 5 or so years, maybe get more involved with this site & some of the people working on their recovery... just a thought ;-)

[aldo1980]

hi. you sound like me.
i haven't even had a conversation with anybody for like 7 or 8 months.
good luck.

[ClayTheScribe]

I really feel for you swampy. I too am unemployed and living with my parents and it's a real killer to the confidence I never had. I also take antidepressants that help, but sometimes they lose their effectiveness. That just means you need to go to a psychiatrist, not a general practitioner (they know next to nothing about psych meds), tell them how you feel and let them give you suggestions on how to change your meds. You have to be real proactive when it comes to psych meds, otherwise you stay miserable.

As for making friends, go to concerts and start chatting people up about music. You might even find some musicians you can be friends with. Be yourself. Just try not to be too negative. I hate when people tell me to smile more, but frankly, people aren't keen on making friends with depressed people, nor are they interested in dating them. Smile more, even if it kills you inside. I to have had little success with women, with or without alcohol. A lot of that has to do with my low confidence level. I am told the best way to increase confidence is to approach people and start talking to them. Also get really into what you're passionate about, so keep practicing your music.

A lot of it has to do with having no job and living with your parents I would imagine. Just keep looking for a job and you'll find one eventually. Also network as much as you can, that's a good way to make friends and job connections. Join LinkedIn if you're not already. When you have connections, ask a few people out for coffee. Ask them a lot of questions about themselves.

If you have depression or a mental illness, you should not be taking antidepressants alone. Seek out a therapist, that's where most of the real work at recovering from mental illness takes place.

Good luck and keep us updated.

[barb dwyer]

hi!

So you have a home group - time to start inviting someone
(better same sex and all that ) to have a coffee after the meeting.
Possibly at your frist meeting you were given a call list?
use it.

That's how many people start.

If that's too much at first -
be the volunteer to stay and clean up
or come early and help open.

I liked the suggestion to start posting here more often!

After some time - you might see that
what you're perceiving as lonlieness right now
is just a hole where the booze used to be.

There's people all around you, more than likely.
They're just hidden in the fog right now.

Stay sober so they can appear!

[miamifella]

I know what you mean. There have been times since I came into recovery when I spent time with guys who were high even though I would not use.

If the other guy is not high, I can never be sure if he will really want to be with me.

And even though I am respected in my field, write humor professionally (as my second career), and can be outgoing in business situations--I have rarely been able to talk to people at meetings. In part it is because I come from a different world than most of them, but the other part is pathological shyness.

I have just as much trouble talking to people at meetings as I have talking to people in bars or at parties--and people at meetings are not as friendly! The only time anyone has started a conversation was to criticize me. At stressful as social situations are, at least you do not have to worry about that!

Thank god for the internet!

[swampy]

Hey.. thanks for the responses. I did not really expect it. My post sounded kind of pathetic after i read it. I am still at that place, drinking then not drinking. feeling sorry for myself, then saying what's the use.Then drinking again. Isolation and not going to meetings as much.

[Pboy]

I only drink out of boredom/loneliness.

I received a bottle of Jim Beam (one of my drinks of choice) for my birthday almost a year ago and I still haven't opened it.

But more times than not when I go to the bar I over do it

[soidog]

I definitely agree with what Clay mentioned. Unemployment is a BIG contributor to depression. If you already suffer from depression, unemployment makes it far worse. What I am saying is, its a very normal response to get depressed with unemployment. I know that's no compensation to you, but please know that many many of us can share that pain and anxiety, especially now with the economy in the tank.

For me, I drank a lot to deal with loneliness and boredom too. And I also suffered from depression. Quitting the bottle made me feel sooo much better. But it seems to me that the loneliness you are facing comes from the boredom of NOT drinking, right? I guess my only other thought is to try and find anything to make you relax and forget things for a while. Even something like going for a walk alone, reading a book, or playing a computer game might help. Sure, I know those aren't the most social of things, but it beats just doing nothing.

Finally, try and remember now and then about all the positive things you have in life, not what you don't have. I know that sounds cliche, but it works for me. Sometimes I feel grateful just to have simple things that I take for granted everyday, like a roof over my head, my health, a good education. I'm no silicon valley internet millionaire, but I have a hell of a lot more than others I know. So keeping things in perspective can be helpful.

Write back dude, take care.