my father's new partner disgusts me

[aldo1980]

first a bit of history, otherwise this probably won't make sense:

my parents divorced when i was 10 (i'm almost 30 now)
in order to sort out my alcohol and drug problems i've had to start working for my dad. and i'm having to also live in the same house with him now.
since my parents divorced i've never really got on too well with my dad anymore. it's a shame because when i was a child i thought he was the greastest dude in the universe

the thing is my dad's single at the moment and it disturbs me to think he's seeing other women.
their's one female friend in particualar of his who sometime comes round to my dads house to hang out (i've only briefly met her twice because i hide in my room and out of work i don't mix at all with my dad, or anybody else for a matter of fact) and i think their might be something between them!
i find that disgusting because she's probably younger than me (my dads 60!) and it's obvious that he only wants her for sex and she only wants him for his money or status or whatever.
i don't like that she comes around here to hang out with him. but i'm also scared that he might let her move in. because if she even starts coming to hang out here more frequently i'm going to have to quit my job and move away.
i haven't spoken to him about any of this.

what i want to know is is it weird i feel this way?

[jamdls]

I think it's fairly normal to feel the way you do. For most people thinking of their parent having sex at all is pretty creepy. However, it sounds like you need to grow up a little and accept the fact that your father is first of all a MAN, being your DAD should not be his primary focus especially since you are way past child rearing age. Older men like younger women, it's a fact of life whether you like it or not and you never know there may come a time in your life when you are attracted to someone who is much older or much younger than you. I have a 28 yr old daughter and I'm 53 and single, I'm sure if I started dating a man in his 20s or 30s my daughter would not be very happy about it, and possibly disgusted by it; but what I do is my business as what your father does is his business.

[aldo1980]

interesting oppinion. thanks.

Originally Posted by jamdls

but what I do is my business as what your father does is his business.

100%. but couldn't he just keep it to himself? why does she have to come and hang out here??
it as if he's mocking me going like "i've got a woman and you don't" kinda, even if he doesn't say it.

[Rancorous]

That sounds like the most normal reaction in the world to me. Since my father died, my mother has been going to these "Catholic Singles" gatherings. I find the idea of her finding someone absolutely revolting. Given her track record, the guy would be just as bad or worse than my dad. I'd be just as disgusted if it were my dad looking. I myself tend to like older men, but not THAT old. They're just using each other, if possible, i'd head for the hills the second you are able to. I'd go out for a drive while the chick is around to get out of the house or take a walk. Sounds like a very uncomfortable position to be living in and I wish you luck.

[suki44883]

Well, to be blunt...it is his house and if he wants to have a lady friend over, it's his business. Perhaps you should find some friends of your own to socialize with. That way, when she comes over, you'll have something else to do. I feel sure he's not doing anything to rub it into your face. He's a grown man and grown men like women. You're old enough to realize that, right?

[ScaryStory]

You're 30 years old - I think you should grow up. What's the big deal? and you say you're working for him? Well maybe you could find your own place then. He deserves a life just like you do. To be blunt you need to get over it. It's really not for you to say how old the lady is that he should be hanging out with. And who cares if it's only for sex? Then you won't have a Stepmom!

Hang in there. I understand the immaturity cause I'm immature about everything.

[ScaryStory]

In re-reading what I posted, Aldo, I'm sorry I came off so strong, I tend to do that and I alienate myself from people all the time. Please accept my apologies.

[aldo1980]

Originally Posted by ScaryStory

In re-reading what I posted, Aldo, I'm sorry I came off so strong, I tend to do that and I alienate myself from people all the time. Please accept my apologies.

don't worry. i thought your oppinion was valid.
from time to time i need a kick in the ass anyways
i wanted an objective oppinion on this issue, and i think it's interesting how we all see things diffrently, so if that's what you think of my situation with my dad that's fine. no offence taken - so no need for you to appologise.

[aldo1980]

as it won't be long till christmas i was thinking about buying them some handcuffs and plastic bedding or something. haha.

today he red out a txt msg to me that his woman sent him!
i was lost for words that i didn't even say anything back to him, but i've been thinking, and the next time he says anything to me i'm going to tell him that i don't care what he does as long as he doesn't do it to my knowledge and that i don't like his relationship with that woman because she's obviously a golddigger and he's obviously a perv (she's not even the same race as him! not that i'm racist) and i find the whole thing squalid and i don't even want him to mention that woman in my prescence (i have to talk a bit agressive with him because because communication between us has never been very good and things only get across when their's a certain ammount of force in them).
or would telling him something like that be out of order?

[liveweyerd]

you know what? To me, you have a right to your feelings.
Your dad has a right to his feelings.
You have every right to your values and ethics.
Your father has the same right.
They aren't compatible.
You do not have the right to attempt to control your father, to tell him what he can talk about etc.
You do have the right to express that you are uncomfortable talking with him or sharing regarding private matters....his relationship/sex life...this seems a reasonable boundary for you, so that you can not participate in it through your own actions...by walking away, or etc.
I don't know what agreement you have regarding the house.
Apparently you both have agreed to share it and call it both your homes.
He has the right to his company and social life and privacy in his home.
You have the right to your company, social life and privacy in your home.
If it is uncomfortable, then it needs to be respectfully negotiated so that every one retains their rights.
If that is not possible, then seek a change.
That seems to be incumbent upon you...whether you want to or are able to seek other housing.
You are a grown and you certainly would not expect him to have a right or any control over who you choose to spend your time with or how you spend your time with them.
When we love someone, we wish for their happiness.
The constitution guarantees each and every citizen the right to the pursuit of happiness.
Emotions are often unruly....thus we need to be mindful of them and use our rational minds to try to bring about and cultivate a thoughtful plan and way of life that enhances our healthy emotions....as it is proven that emotional health is a tremendous factor in our health and well-being.
Have you considered consulting a therapist and possibly working through some of this with them before it becomes a powder keg situation?

[aldo1980]

Originally Posted by ScaryStory

And who cares if it's only for sex? Then you won't have a Stepmom!

no. but what if i end up with a new brother

[aldo1980]

Originally Posted by aldo1980

i'm going to tell him that i don't care what he does as long as he doesn't do it to my knowledge and that i don't like his relationship with that woman because she's obviously a golddigger and he's obviously a perv (she's not even the same race as him! not that i'm racist) and i find the whole thing squalid and i don't even want him to mention that woman in my prescence

well that didn't go as planned.
i lost my kool and started talking incoherently and mumbling and calling names.
i should have just kept quiet.

[Learn2Live]

I think you have every right to feel what you are feeling. And I agree with you that your dad sounds like he is choosing some unhealthy things like using someone for sex and showing you his text messages. I'm not being judgmental here but he's the one who sounds immature to me. I think you are the one being mature about it, sorry to disagree with some peeps.

The way I see it, your post is you trying to work thru your issue with what is going on, asking for feedback from others, being open to opinions and advice. Here you are trying to address something with your Dad and apparently from your last post he was not receptive to hearing you out. You obviously want to maintain a healthy relationship with your dad in some form or another and you are trying.

I wouldn't recommend just getting a new job or just moving out "because Dad has a right to do whatever he wants to do." That would be a geographical solution to a problem, which rarely "works" and often just makes the situation, and your feelings, worse.

Not only that, just because you are the one in Recovery does not give him the go-ahead to treat you without dignity and respect. I don't hear you saying that he owes you something, I don't hear you trying to get him to GIVE you something to enable you. You're working on your recovery. Just because he is helping you out does not give him the right to dis you, ignore you, and violate your boundaries.

I think you should keep doing what you are doing because you are trying to create HEALTHY environment for yourself given your present situation and circumstances. You don't have to bow down or bow out to do so.

well that didn't go as planned.

Did you plan anything ahead of time? Think thru how you want to approach the issue with him? What is helpful to me in these kinds of situations is to do some boundary-work. I like to write it all out. You can google boundary-setting and get some tips on ways of setting, communicating, and maintaining your boundaries.

i lost my kool and started talking incoherently and mumbling and calling names.

Right. This happens. Try the boundary-setting.

i should have just kept quiet.

I disagree. There are alternative, effective ways to try to open up communication with other people. Of course, I'm not really good at this but I, like you, am trying to do this with "safe" people like my family and close friends. Who else is there to practice this on?

Don't give up.

[aldo1980]

i've got a flight to catch at the moment.
i'll come back on this tomorrow.
thanks

[aldo1980]

Originally Posted by Learn2Live

Did you plan anything ahead of time? Think thru how you want to approach the issue with him? What is helpful to me in these kinds of situations is to do some boundary-work. I like to write it all out. You can google boundary-setting and get some tips on ways of setting, communicating, and maintaining your boundaries.

sorry for taking so long to come back on this issue. i'd been away on vacation. lol.

yes, i did try to think in advance what i was going to say to him but, like i said, in the heat of the moment it all came out wrong: mumbling and swearing. lol.
however since then i've looked a bit into the boundry-setting thing, and it seems like a very useful skill. and in retrospect perhaps my confrontation with my dad didn't go so badly after all.
if not anything else at least it seems to have stopped him talking about that woman to me and it apperas that he's going about his bussiness with her allot more discreatly now. so it's kinda worked out ok in the end. perhaps i expressed myself well enough (actually i think what happened was that i expressed myself too much)
i really do have to improve my boundry setting skills so i'll be looking into it more deeply. thanks for pointing that out to me