Something's fundamentally wrong with me

[Bamboozle]

Is there? I feel this way often.

Before someone comes along and says this is self-pity...I'm just thinking.


I've always felt different. Don't know why. Never had many friends. Don't know why. Am I a loner? Why?

I wish I was more outgoing but I don't know how to be.

My meds are keeping me stable...but I'm feeling the need to hide again. I don't want to be around anyone...go anywhere...or do anything. I don't want to be this way.

[Bamboozle]

Could it be Dysthymia?

I had some of the symptoms when I was a kid...quite a few...and those got worse over time.

I know I have depression for sure...but there wasn't a time when I didn't have low self-esteem. I always worried...adults called me a worry wart (cute, eh? *vomit*). I'm always tired...been that way for a very long time. I've had problems over-eating nearly all of my life...and of course the alcohol problem later on. I've always told myself I'm not good enough. I don't know...something else to talk about in therapy.

[RocketsintheSky]

I totally understand... I've always felt like something was wrong with me, I've realized that's why I ended up abusing drugs, because I was trying to fix things. I am pretty good at putting up a good front but lately I am worn out and feel like hiding as well. I don't have any good advice, but I relate so much and just hang in there, things get better.

[least]

I know there's something wrong with me, has been since I was born, just gets worse. I don't know who I am or why I'm on earth. What is my purpose? I have more questions than answers. I understand how you feel cause I feel much the same way.

[atomica]

DITTO. all of the above.

ae

[Astro]

Originally Posted by RocketsintheSky

I don't have any good advice, but I relate so much and just hang in there, things get better.

Ditto.

I've been a loner for most of my life. In 05' I was newly sober, lost, divorced, kicked out of my home and living in an apartment, didn't know how to socialize with anyone, and trying to find a magic depression med that would fix me. I spent a lonely weekend in a psych ward. I felt confused and didn't know what my purpose in life was or how to find it.

Things do get better. I promise But I had to have the desire and take it in baby steps.

I share often that what helped me to learn to "stand in the sunlight" was to force myself to take walks, bike rides, and to sit outside at a coffee shop and smile at people that walked by. Oh, and then I'd just about faint when someone would stop to talk to me

If I could have one wish now, it'd be that there were more hours in the day to spend with the people I love, who love me unconditionally, and to enjoy all the activities that fill my life.

Again, it will get better

[aasharon90]

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

I amongst many feel the same way.

Different at times. Alone at times.
Confused.

I delt with my alcoholism first as
was suggested to me in early
recovery. Then tackled what ever
else was bothering me.

After seeing a commercial yrs ago
about depression and anxiety and
hearing about chemical embalance
in the system, i seek theraphy.

Sure enough my chemical im-
balance was addressed and soon
I was able to continue on with
my recovery and life.

Today I still enjoy my solitude
not liking to be amongst many
people or around noise.

I recieved a purpose in life
when i finally understood my
addiction to alcohol. With the
knowledge and tools I aquired
in rehab and thru the experiences,
strengths and hopes of many
shared before me, I was able
to pass it on to the many that
will follow in my recovery foot-
steps.

I was given another chance in
life when my attempt to end my
miserable life yrs ago didnt happen.

I soon realized that the i have a
job to do today. I was spared and
given the knowledge to share
with newcomers.

That in itself is extremely rewarding.

To help another.

To be of service.

Today i understand why motor-
cyclist love to ride alone on the
open road. It's that freedom.
Exhillerating. Living and riding
happy joyous and free.

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

Is there? I feel this way often.

Before someone comes along and says this is self-pity...I'm just thinking.


I've always felt different. Don't know why. Never had many friends. Don't know why. Am I a loner? Why?

I wish I was more outgoing but I don't know how to be.

Why aren't posting more pics in the photo thread!

BTW, a lot of us here have the same issues you have, have always felt different-growing up in a house chock full of alcoholism and madness will make you feel that way-and still have a difficult time making friends.

[Bamboozle]

I need to get out with my camera again. I need to get off of my butt and do it.

[Captain Kirk]

i'm a loner too
i think what you're feeling is quite normal. don't worry about it.

[crzylilmndfreak]

I have so many issues, and i know that i have had them since i was little... ive come to the conclusion about my anxiety, or i think i have, i am an only child, and did'nt go to pre-school, or was never out with any other kids, untill kindergarten, age 5, and i've heard that your basic "personlity" is set by that age, dont know if its true so i was really a loner untill the age of 14 which is when i started my self medicating, i suppose, with the drinking, it brought out in me everything i allways wanted to be! it was a WONDERFUL feeling, but as i got older, it began to be a real problem, and i finally got sober 17 months ago, and am now trying to find the "real me" not likeing what ive seen so far, so im at a loss jsut as well as you are

[historyteach]

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

Something's fundamentally wrong with me
Is there? I feel this way often.

Before someone comes along and says this is self-pity...I'm just thinking.


I've always felt different. Don't know why. Never had many friends. Don't know why. Am I a loner? Why?

I wish I was more outgoing but I don't know how to be.

My meds are keeping me stable...but I'm feeling the need to hide again. I don't want to be around anyone...go anywhere...or do anything. I don't want to be this way.

Bamboozle,
Nothing wrong with thinking!
All the great philosophers do it!

Do you mind if I rephrase some of your post?
It's just that, sometimes, the way we look at a thing, gives it a whole new perspective. Know what I mean?
So, I'm going to give it a try, and hope that you won't mind, or, at least, will forgive if you do....

You say, or think, there's something fundamentally "wrong" with you.
I say, you are fundamentally YOU!
You are unique. There is no other Bamboozle on earth, and you are here for your purpose, that no other person can achieve.
Now, I don't know what that is, and maybe you don't know yet either. Maybe you will never know. But, that fact is for sure.
So, be glad that you are the only you! In fact, be THRILLED about it!
We are!

You say you feel different. Well, you should. For the very reasons discussed in the paragraph above. Let's face it, Bam, wouldn't this world be boring as heck if we were all alike? I mean, what would be the point?

You don't have many friends. Well, neither do I. In truth, most people don't have many real friends. They may have alot of aquaintances, or colleagues, but, not friends. Or perhaps people cling to them for reasons we can clearly see -- money, sex, drugs, etc... Those aren't friends. They are paracites. But, the reality is, most people are lucky if they have a handfull of real friends. Be grateful if you have them; they are genuine, and they would go with you to the ends of the earth.

Why do you wish to be something you are not? I'm talking about how you want to be more outgoing. Why not accept what you are, just as you are? Make the best of your gifts and talents, rather than moan about what you do not have. With acceptance, comes serenity.

But, if it's isolating you are really talking about, well, that's a horse of a different color! You say you want to hide, so, maybe that's really the case here, yes? If so, I cannot add anything more to what Astro has said on that matter. Take it one step at a time, but, take the step necessary, after you have determined exactly what you mean by "outgoing." Perhaps you already know, and it is only I who is confused. (Nothing new there! LOL!) By doing what Astro says, though, you become responsible for your life; you direct it. And with that responsible direction, you enable and empower yourself. And isn't that what we all need? What we all want?

So, in this alternative perspective:
You are a unique individual, who has talents and gifts that only you can give to the world. You have genuine friends. You will achieve serenity with acceptance and become the director of your life when you take responsible action.

Doesn't sound too shabby to me!
Perspective can mean so very much...

Shalom, my friend, shalom!

[ClayTheScribe]

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

I'm always tired...been that way for a very long time.

This could be a sign of sleep apnea or a thyroid problem, I would go get a sleep study. Sleep apnea can bring on or make depression worse. Sleep apnea almost drove me to suicide. I would talk to your doctor about that.

Yes, you are different. But you have to embrace that as who you are and then others will embrace you too. Just be yourself and you'll attract others as friends. Low self-esteem definitely gets in the way of social contact, that's why I'm working on that too. Just be open to people and curious about them. People like it when they can talk about themselves and someone really listens.

Don't hide away, that just makes you crazier.

[kermit]

I like being a "loner" now, while I was growing up not so much. I have few friends, I can count them on my one hand... they are all I need.
I have ALWAYS been different.......but I'm cool with that too, because, although it took a long time, I like me.
But I still have times like you Bam when I think to much, and I get off track a little.
History......your reply was GREAT! It helped me look at things differently I hope it helped Bam too... Heck I'm sure it did.

[Ago]

Almost every single person I know in AA says those very words verbatim before they started attending meetings, working the steps etc, I literally hear those exact words from every speaker I've ever heard, I'm so sorry but when I have untreated alcoholism it frequently masquerades as clinical depression and isolationism, I hope you don't think I'm being offensive, because I swear on everything holy I'm not, when I start feeling exactly like you describe that's my alcoholism telling me I need to step up my program, going out, hitting meetings, reaching out to newcomers, being accountable to other sober alcoholics face to face.

People told me the same thing for years, I was like, no you don't understand, it's clinical this that or the other thing, I'm different

it was literally just untreated alcoholism, if I sit alone I get to that place pretty quickly even after years of sobriety, my mind is not my friend and one of the strategies my dis-ease has is to make so unhappy and uncomfortable that taking a drink is a good idea, but whatever you want to call it getting out and being with others of a like mind, that are non judgmental and make me laugh, and helping others so I'm not thinking about myself all the time is never not the cure for me. It literally works every time, but whatever you decide to do, hang in there Bam, I hope you feel better.

The way I heard it is an alcoholic/addict mind is like a bad neighborhood, you don't want to hang out there alone.

[Bamboozle]

I understand what you're saying, Ago, but my depression was around at least a year before I started drinking. I have severe self-esteem issues that began when I was little. I knew I was gay when I was as young as 5, but I repressed my sexuality and lived in denial for a very long time. When I was finally honest with myself in college I got really depressed...I reached out for help...and it didn't help. I tried to do the right thing...then I found alcohol. That helped numb me out.

I notice you're trying really hard to get me to convert to AA. It's not for me, buddy. I don't want what you have. I would like for you to understand this and leave me alone about it. You want others to have an open mind, yet you refuse to accept that some people walk a different path to recovery. Heed your own advice.

I don't suffer from untreated alcoholism. I'm getting treatment for alcoholism and depression. My problems are much more than drinking too much. I've had a lot of crap going on for years...I'll leave it up to the professionals. I've only been sober for almost 7 months and during that time I've been working on my entire life. 7 months is not enough time for anyone to realistically heal.

I went to therapy today as an emergency session. I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow. I hope I'm going to get my meds sorted out…I’m not doing well…but I’m doing the right thing by reaching out to those who can help.

[Ago]

thank you for your response, by no means am I trying to get you to "convert" I'd just like to see you get out and be around others and laugh and not sit at home and think about yourself, which are the things I do that are harmful that lead me to that place you described in your original post, frankly I don't have the internet at my house so I go to a local coffee shop to be around others to use my computer, it's a lot more expensive but it forces me to be around others

I don't care where you go or what you do, just that you go have some fun and laugh.

it's good for you I promise

I understand what you are saying and realized I was treading on iffy ice, I tried to do so carefully

[Bamboozle]

There is a reason why this thread is on the Mental Health Forum.

I find opportunities to laugh all the time. I joke around at work and even when I'm by myself. I do believe in laughter. Unfortunately, all the laughter and people in the world can't fix depression...I mean actual depression...not just "feeling blue". Ago, I don’t know if you’ve ever suffered from depression, but it’s really hard to explain what it is to someone who doesn’t understand. I think you are talking about something different….I might be wrong…so if I am I apologize.

When depression hits there is no control…there is nothing that the person can do to lift out of it. The depression either lifts whenever or the person suffering has to get help to get out of it or deal with it. Depression cannot be fixed or cured…it is only something that can be managed.

I cannot speak for everyone, but I have some good days and some really bad days. When the bad days are too frequent or persistent I know it’s time to get some help. It’s funny how the depression takes control…it leads me to believe that I want to give everything up--therapy, my meds, my sobriety, my life. I was lucky I had a moment of clarity the other day and made a phone call to my therapist.

I do not have the vocabulary to describe the utter hopelessness I feel when it hits…the finality of it all…I hurt so much yet I’m empty. When it hit me at work I had to fight back tears. Everyone was moving around me, but they weren’t completely there. It was like being in a tunnel in my mind.

Depression is a common mental illness…but it’s still very dangerous. When my depression is really strong it wants me dead.

I have no idea if I’m going to have this for the rest of my life. I may get lucky and it will disappear at some point down the road.



My situation isn't ideal but I do what I can to make it.

[Ago]

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

There is a reason why this thread is on the Mental Health Forum.

I find opportunities to laugh all the time. I joke around at work and even when I'm by myself. I do believe in laughter. Unfortunately, all the laughter and people in the world can't fix depression...I mean actual depression...not just "feeling blue". Ago, I don’t know if you’ve ever suffered from depression, but it’s really hard to explain what it is to someone who doesn’t understand. I think you are talking about something different….I might be wrong…so if I am I apologize.

When depression hits there is no control…there is nothing that the person can do to lift out of it. The depression either lifts whenever or the person suffering has to get help to get out of it or deal with it. Depression cannot be fixed or cured…it is only something that can be managed.

I cannot speak for everyone, but I have some good days and some really bad days. When the bad days are too frequent or persistent I know it’s time to get some help. It’s funny how the depression takes control…it leads me to believe that I want to give everything up--therapy, my meds, my sobriety, my life. I was lucky I had a moment of clarity the other day and made a phone call to my therapist.

I do not have the vocabulary to describe the utter hopelessness I feel when it hits…the finality of it all…I hurt so much yet I’m empty. When it hit me at work I had to fight back tears. Everyone was moving around me, but they weren’t completely there. It was like being in a tunnel in my mind.

Depression is a common mental illness…but it’s still very dangerous. When my depression is really strong it wants me dead.

I have no idea if I’m going to have this for the rest of my life. I may get lucky and it will disappear at some point down the road.



My situation isn't ideal but I do what I can to make it.

I have and I "get it"

I have had to call friends in AA to literally come get me out of bed and drag me around with them, for days if necessary, then I go kicking and screaming and telling them I need to go back home, I need to go back to bed, and they won't let me, it takes about 2 days of this for my depression to snap, but the thing is it passes.

If I give into it it lasts longer and gets worse, although it's "chemical" by taking action I shorten it's duration

It's horrible and I get it, and I'm telling you exactly what I do when it happens to me, I have doing this for near 20 years now, this isn't about AA this is about saving bamboozles bottom.

[Bamboozle]

There's nothing to give into...it is what it is. I saw a crappy movie today with my mom and went shopping. The only money I spent was on food at the theater and for dinner.


My meds have been tweaked...I'll have to pick up my prescrips later. I don't know how expensive it's going to be so I'm having them call me before I go down there so I can have enough.

I've been refered to a mental health clinic. I have an intake appointment in two weeks...then sometime after that I'll be able to see a psychiatrist. I have another therapy session in a week...I've discussed what's going on with my mom so she knows what to do and what to watch out for. I'll continue therapy with my current therapist and I can call her in the event of an emergency.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by OzSandy

He's supposed to be a noted addictions specialist but we haven't hit it off too well. He says he finds it very difficult to work with me because I am so emotionally closed off. That's been my way of dealing with things though - shutting out the emotions, bottling them up, refusing to acknowledge them until they fester away to the point where I'm surprised that I snap! He said that talking to me was 'very disconcerting' (!) because 'what you've been through sounds horrible, yet you speak about it so matter of factly and without emotion'.

Shouldn't he be used to that as an addictions specialist?

Thanks for the update, Sandy. Hang in there.

I'll have to look up secondary alcoholism. Sounds interesting.


I do like my therapist. At this point I don't want to talk to anyone else. I know it sounds stupid...but I've told her embarassing stuff and she didn't judge me or laugh at me. I trust her. It's hard for me to trust people.



I feel like I have more acceptance about the situation. I can't fix it so I'm getting help. It's not me...it's my illness. I don't want this thing running my life.

[tsukiko]

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

Is there? I feel this way often.

Before someone comes along and says this is self-pity...I'm just thinking.


I've always felt different. Don't know why. Never had many friends. Don't know why. Am I a loner? Why?

I wish I was more outgoing but I don't know how to be.

My meds are keeping me stable...but I'm feeling the need to hide again. I don't want to be around anyone...go anywhere...or do anything. I don't want to be this way.

It’s four in the morning. I need to be up and out at nine am. But that bed terrifies me, that place where I lay awake, alone when it is dark and the world is sleeping, listening sirens and trying my heart out to be thankful that those bright lights ain’t chasing me no more.

...And I wonder, am I just ungrateful?

Why’s it so hard? Because I’m self piteous?

Probably, but that don’t make sleep come, don’t make it any easier.

Another sleepless night, another smile, another lie, another meal uneaten.

I’m 5’7 and struggling to maintain 116 lbs...It’s like while my mind screams ‘get on with it, with life’ my body won’t keep pretending. The bags under my eyes, the spine that sticks out, the nails I paint that always chip...

I’m 14 months clean, and I love my life. I love where I live, I love my friends, I love what I do...but one thing I’ve learned, the thing that follows me to bed every single night...

Loving my life is not the same thing as loving myself.

My flat, my friends, my life...they’re all external. My self is what I can’t escape.

And what do I do with that, how do I solve that? Why do I even want to escape, when my life is so great? What is wrong with me?

I don’t want to be this way either...

I’m the only person I know who begs for therapy they don’t want just to try something, anything, and then spends an hour every week after two hours sleep trying to convince the therapist ‘I’m fine’, knowing I’m not and wondering, afterwards, why the hell I couldn’t even say ‘I’m just tired’.

I only go back hoping that one of these days I’ll somehow get the words out, any words, anything.

The doctor, herself, warned me...said, there’s two sorts of mental illness, neurotic disorders and psychotic disorders. Neurotics get therapy ‘cause that helps alleviate, eventually can cure the patient, but psychotics, well, there is no cure. There’s medications and there’s mania, psychosis...madness, but there’s no cure. No cure.

That’s why they think it’s pointless. But what I can’t tell them, what I plan on telling them every week and can’t is that...

(After ranting on here about how I figured all this crap was ‘being bipolar’, that) I don’t think this thing is the psychotic illness I’ve been labelled with...I think, well, I think it’s just consciousness maybe.

I’m no expert, but...

I mean, look at all these replies saying ‘I get what you’re saying’, ‘I totally understand’, ‘I’ve always felt different’...

And yet, we are different. Not everyone here has ‘bipolar’...

I guess, the irony is that we’re the same in that we feel so very different
.

Isn’t that the gig? The human condition?

All I can say is that, at least for me, in these moments, these days, weeks, months, its like this is all there is...that there’s never been anything else and never will be, but ultimately beyond those dark clouds, beyond what I can see in either direction, is a clear sky...and maybe it’ll rain for another six months, but hey, it can’t rain forever, right?

...But maybe try not to wish you were that outgoing person...often they ain’t doing much better. I’m the person everyone says ‘Man, I wish I was as confident as you, as out going’ etc...’cause they don’t see me right now, at four am, smoking my hundredth cigarette and dreading bed. And they don’t see that ‘cause I’m 'the out going person', but they only see that because I don’t know how to show them this...

And, hey, I feel ‘different’ too. lol

[tsukiko]

Ha ha...how appropriate that BIlly Joel's Lullaby just came on (my music's on shuffle).

Anyhow, I'll shut up now. Honest :P

[Bamboozle]

Wow...excellent post, tsukiko.

[ClayTheScribe]

tsukiko, your post almost made me cry. I feel your pain, and I'm not being patronizing. I too wonder when I will truly love myself. I think you have to work on it and it does not come easy. I would be hard pressed to say I love my life right now. I'm unemployed, I live with my parents, I haven't had a partner in 8 years, I've never had sex, yet I always remind myself I could have it worse. I don't think we're ungrateful, it's just hard to see the sun on the other side of the clouds, hard to feel good when the illness brings us so low. I don't think anyone should give up on you and these illnesses are treatable and you can recover. I have to believe that and you should too.

On a medical note, you might look into trying a sleeping pill like Ambien. And I know I had insomnia when I smoked.

Thanks for sharing,

Clay