where to begin...

[HisHarleyHoney]

I just joined here yesterday and as I was going thru the board I found this area. Just as I titled this --- where to begin....

I deal with depression on a daily basis. Some days are better than others. Yesterday was not a good one. To give you a bit of the past.... in a nutshell...

I'm an only child, who had an over-protective father {who I know in his own way loves me} but I have come to terms that I will never live up to his expectations. Which that in itself took me a good 20 years to come to terms with. My Dad cheated on my mom and mentally abused both of us for years. It got better once they separated and divorced but that was a good ten years or more. They stayed together until I graduated from High School. The trauma from all this - well, I had a huge chip on my shoulder and would let any boy/man be anything more than a friend to me due to I just couldn't trust and I didn't want to go thru what my mom had.

I didn't have a serious relationship until I was in my mid 30's with a man that was introduced to me thru a family member. We were friends for several years before we got engaged. That lasted up until a week before the wedding - when I found out that he had been cheating with not 1 but 3 or 4 others. This was also after he had gotten me in debt up over my ears. This was a year of hell for me, besided this happening one month later my grandmother passed, I had to deal with bankruptcy and then my mother was diagnosed with cancer --- and no job. Now in all this sadness and trauma there was good that came out of it. I sucked it up and buried all my pain - was there for my mom thru her surgery and chemo. I told her and to this day I tell her that God works in mysterious ways. I finally got a job after a year - a seasonal job but a job none the less. But right before that I started having some health issues myself and after all I had been thru --- in the doc's office I finally broke from the pressure/strain. She placed me on some meds to help - once I was working I seemed to be able to move on with my life a little more - made some good friends & was finally able to open myself back up to another relationship - which it ended badly, basically almost like a repeat. I made some more serious changes - like going back to school and such. I did finally meet someone that I know loves me to death - and he is a good man. He's been there for me thru hell and back and I with him the same way. Within the last couple of years things have been really rough - it's like the devil has a hold and won't let go. My husband is a truckdriver and when he first went back out on the road we had a year of Hell - some small companies that wouldn't pay him. And then some larger companies where he got steady pay but wasn't that good.
Then a year ago this july it really got bad - 1st my husband's ex & his daughter moved up here from SC. His daughter lived with us for almost a month - before all hell broke loose. They finally moved back but still to this day try to drive a wedge between me and my husband - I, also, was going thru a health crisis myself - I was diagnosed with Severe Sleep Apnea, Arthritis, Depression & Obesity. My husband, also started drinking more.
There are days when I just don't think I can go on anymore - all I do is cry. I try not to let my husband or my mom see because it hurts them. And then my husband thinks that he's done something wrong. Because when he asks me why - I don't have an answer. Dealing with the pain and feeling tired all the time just sucks. There are days when I do feel like why am I even here but I would NEVER do anything to take my own life. I just feel more like running away, hiding in bed and cover my head with the blanket wishing it would all just go away.

So, anyway, I came here to SR - first to find support for myself with dealing with my husband's drinking, but now I'm also here for support with depression.

Harley

[nandm]

to SR and our mental health forum.

I do hope that you have also checked out our Friends and Family section as there is also some wonderful help there for the dealing with your husbands drinking there.

As far as depression goes, I can very much relate. Life can seem like such a struggle sometimes. Some days it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. What keeps me going is the faith and sometimes only hope that things will get better. That life is not meant to be a constant struggle. I hang onto those glimpses of a better life. I do hope to see more of your posts.

[HisHarleyHoney]

thanks for the welcome nandm - I'm slowly but surely making my way around here and I've posted over in that section as well.

I have good days and bad, as everyone does. But I'm finding all the info here very helpful and I've always been one to do my best to focus on the positive rather than negative. Glass half full instead of half empty type here. Just some days it's hard to keep that outlook.

Another thing that I hadn't put in my first post {mainly because I felt I was rambling on a bit} was that it really bothers me how my husband's daughter has treated us - me in particular. He has an estranged relationship with her. Especially now - she said and did a lot of horrible things a year ago. And it just wasn't her but her mother and 1/2 brother. But now, my husband's one sister that he lived with before moving up here to be with me has now made contact with us again after almost 3 yrs. She didn't want him to move up here. And she, also had done somethings to try to destroy our relationship. She calls him and lays all her problems/drama on him. And just over labor day she wanted him to come down to Alabama to straight out her problems - which if he had - 1. he wouldn't have gone without me and 2. he probably would have ended up in jail. She has called once since labor day and was in tears over her daughter - this one lives in OK with her father. Another long complicated story but it frustrates my husband because he said I don't know what she wants me to do. I told him that she just wanted to talk to her big brother. But, also, she has now joined facebook - she added both of us as friends - but it looks like she is now going thru all of my friends and adding them - I just don't trust her. She's never tried to get to know me or wanted anything to do with me. Unlike my other sister-in-law that lives in SC. I've told my husband about it - then he asked if she had asked any of his friends on facebook - which is his adoptive family {he was adpoted by a family when he was 12/13 years old}. She hasn't ..... yet. Just seems to be focusing on me.

So right now we're just seeing what she's doing before we have a knee-gut reaction.

We just want to live drama free but seems like we can't get away from it... *rolls my eyes*

[ClayTheScribe]

Hi there,

Welcome to SR. There are many great helpful and kind people here.

Are you being treated for your sleep apnea? If not, your depression will not get better until you have quality sleep. Sleep apnea almost drove me to suicide a few years ago--it's not something to take lightly. I would also recommend you exercise or get some kind of physical activity during the day, though I know it must be hard have arthritis. This gets your endorphins running and helps lift the depression some. Do nice things for yourself.

From what I've studied and from what people have said here, the best thing you can do for your husband's drinking is to take care of yourself and go to AlAnon meetings. Maybe stress to him how his drinking is negatively impacting your relationship and that it's hurting you. Though the alcoholism will do anything to defend itself. He may just have to hit bottom, I just hope it's not when he's driving.

Good luck and take care.

[HisHarleyHoney]

Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe

Hi there,

Welcome to SR. There are many great helpful and kind people here.

Are you being treated for your sleep apnea? If not, your depression will not get better until you have quality sleep. Sleep apnea almost drove me to suicide a few years ago--it's not something to take lightly. I would also recommend you exercise or get some kind of physical activity during the day, though I know it must be hard have arthritis. This gets your endorphins running and helps lift the depression some. Do nice things for yourself.

From what I've studied and from what people have said here, the best thing you can do for your husband's drinking is to take care of yourself and go to AlAnon meetings. Maybe stress to him how his drinking is negatively impacting your relationship and that it's hurting you. Though the alcoholism will do anything to defend itself. He may just have to hit bottom, I just hope it's not when he's driving.

Good luck and take care.

yea I am being treated for the apnea - I sleep every night with a cpap machine. I try to exercise - I have a recumbent bike that I was on the other day. I do things around the house - well what I can without help. The weather plays a huge effect on my attitude/outlook. Forunately we've had some really nice weather the last couple of days, so I've felt pretty good - just had some disturbing dreams. I'm trying to get back into my crafts a little at a time - that has always helped me in the past when I'm stressed or depressed. I cross-stitch and crochet. I'm not home completely alone either - we have 2 dogs - I love them to death and the unconditional love they give me is so much. We have a Bichon - Chucky 8 yrs old and then Sam is supposed to be a toy poodle but is more toward the miniture - he looks like a holstein cow {black and white} he's 3 yrs old. They follow me every where.

My husband hasn't been drinking much this past week. He has hit rock bottom in the past before he was with me. His last marriage - she kicked him out, he lived on the streets - got into drugs and alcohol. He was robbed and stabbed - almost died. He had some good people come into his life and he got off the drugs - been clean from that for 5 or more years now. He doesn't drink and drive because he doesn't want to lose his license or hurt anyone. I'm the one that makes sure that he or if I'm with him - get home safe. I've always been the responsible one which is a good thing.