Thank you.

[deerwalk]

I have made some cuts. They make me feel better. I know that scars are unattractive because they signify death and social rejection- that which we all fear. However, I feel a bit comforted. I have taken a razor to my skin. Thank you and goodnight all. This is the way for me. I understand what I am. Some are merely here to be fed upon. As such, I must cope. Goodnight.

[Bamboozle]

DW, please talk to someone who can help you. I wish I could help you.

You don't have to accept what it is you think is who you are. I know it's cheesy, but you can be the person you want to be. I'm doing that right now. Therapy is helping immensely and I'm watching myself for my own distorted thinking. When I catch myself doing it I correct myself.

I don’t let anyone tell me I’m worthless….including myself.

It takes a lot of time but it is worth it. You are worth it. You matter. You have a good heart. You are creative (and creative people rock!). You've been there for me and for other people here. Your life is important. Your happiness is important. You have to believe you can make it through this. You have to put everything you can into improving your life. It has to become the most important thing.

[ClayTheScribe]

Ah, cutting. I used to be a cutter. Whenever I did it it was to punish myself and get a release. The reason I cut was because I didn't understand why I felt comforted. It's because you get an endorphin release, short but satisfying for awhile, until I started to feel regretful for cutting, which was usually right after the endorphin release subsided. And deerwalk, maybe not this week, maybe not next week, but down the road, especially when you get better, you will deeply regret cutting yourself. You're only thinking short-term when you have to think long-term. You're also hurting those closest to you, even if they don't know about it. Your actions represent self-hatred and low self-esteem, not self-preservation. You're also probably addicted by now to the cutting, which means you need to replace cutting with other methods of getting an endorphin rush. Here are some I've posted in the self-injury sticky:

--Cognitive behavioral therapy studies have shown that if you can re-direct a thought or urge for 15 minutes, it is likely to pass. This involves identifying the negative thought or feeling that makes you want to self-injure; labeling it as a negative, hurtful thought or feeling; challenging the likely irrational thought that makes you want to hurt yourself (ie, I need to cut because I am a bad person and deserve it, or I need to burn myself because I am going to be alone forever) by telling yourself the truth (ie, I am a flawed, but good person who does not deserve to suffer pain at my own hand, or It's unlikely I am going to be alone forever as statistics show 98 percent of people find someone at least once in their lifetime); then re-affirming that truth as reality. A CBT therapist can better help take you through these steps.
-- Go to your freezer and grab a handful of ice or something else frozen. Squeeze it as hard as you can until the urge passes. This gives you a similar endorphin release without the scars.
--Go exercise. This could be on a treadmill, just jogging or walking briskly up and down the stairs or walking around your block. Do it for between 15-30 minutes, 30 minutes to get the full psychological benefits.
--Get a rubber band and put it around your wrist. Snap yourself every time you feel like harming yourself.
--Draw on yourself where you feel like hurting yourself with a marker or pen.
--Do deep breathing. Specifically, breathe in through the nose for 3 seconds, hold your breath for another 3 seconds, and breathe out through the mouth. Repeat. This will calm you down enough until the urge passes. When you become calm enough, try meditating. You can find several exercises here: Meditation Exercises — meditationworkshop.org
--Allow yourself to cry if need be.
--Write or say a word over and over that best describes how they feel.
--Force yourself to do something you enjoy or that makes you happy. It could be doing something that makes you laugh and smile or upbeat music you enjoy. Do something comforting that nurtures yourself, even though the urges in your head will want you to do the opposite.
--If you're a cutter, use your tool for cutting and cut something else, say a block of wood. Often cutting is a way to release pent up aggression, in which case you could also punch a punching bag. If you're a burner, burn something expendable that holds no value to you or anyone else. Do this somewhere where water or dirt is near to put out the flame.
--Masturbate or have sex. You may not feel like it when you want to self-harm but this is a great way to get an even better endorphin rush.
--Eat something you enjoy. It's not necessarily healthy to replace self-harming with eating possibly bad foods, but it's not as bad as hurting yourself.
--You may cut, burn or otherwise self-injure because you're depressed and hate yourself and want to punish yourself. Think about what a friend or even stranger would say about your choice to punish yourself. They'd forgive you. Your family and friends don't want you to hurt yourself life that, think how that'd affect them. Be willing to forgive yourself at least just this once.
--A lot of self-injuring happens when a person is hungover, drunk or high on drugs. Get yourself into AA, NA, MA, LifeRing, SMARTRecovery or a similar recovery program if that's a problem for you. If you have a diagnosed mental illness as well as addiction you should look into Dual Diagnosis meetings in your area as this will address the illness and the addiction together. You may also need an antidepressant to adjust your chemicals which can help greatly.
--Call a friend or talk to a family member. Sometimes talking to a stranger may be best because of your fear (real or irrational) of how friends and family will react, so feel free to call 1-800-SUICIDE or write to The Samaritans at jo@samaritans.org. I know it's usually for suicidal people, but they can help with self-harm. Also do a Google search for other crisis lines in your area.
--Find yourself a good therapist, preferably one who uses cognitive behavioral therapy. If you're also an alcoholic or have a drinking problem, find someone who does dual diagnostic treatment.
--Before you self-injure, realize how it might affect your romantic relationships, that you won't be able to wear shorts or feel comfortable going swimming.
--Find out why you're self-injuring and try to deal with that problem, preferably with a therapist with whom you're comfortable.
--Mainly find activities that replace self-injuring that are equally enjoyable.

Cutting does not make things better, it makes them worse. It breeds more self-contempt and hatred for yourself that exacerbates your depression. Cutting only gets worse and can lead to suicide attempts. And to repeat, you WILL REGRET IT LATER. And admit that you don't truly feel better after cutting. You're just wrapped in self-pity which only prolongs depression.

I hope you re-consider your next urge to cut and try something that doesn't involve hurting yourself.

Take care

[suki44883]

Clay gives some good advice. My daughter used to be a cutter. She has scars all up and down her arms and both legs. She can't wear shorts away from the house in the summertime because of it. She is now very self-conscious about it. She told me the other day, someone noticed the scars on her arms. She told them her cat did it. Well, some of those scars would have to have been made by a tiger! I realize how you feel that cutting yourself relieves tension. My daughter said the same thing. But, please, please get some help for this.

[deerwalk]

Maybe nobody has ever felt sorry for me so I do- why not? I have been invalidated my entire life. I mean really- it's so easy for people to spit out "self pity" without ever having lived in another's shoes. trust me- I actually used to cut more frequently when I forced myself to smile through every day and make sure that I never, ever acknowledged anything I felt - especially feeling sorry for myself. Well, the truth is this- I have been through more than my fair share of abuse, sadness and selfish, dishonest individuals who would like to rape me of what little self I have preserved somehow. And yes, that makes me feel pretty awful and I am very sorry, because I DON"T deserve that, and never did.

[ClayTheScribe]

Originally Posted by deerwalk

Maybe nobody has ever felt sorry for me so I do- why not? I have been invalidated my entire life. I mean really- it's so easy for people to spit out "self pity" without ever having lived in another's shoes. trust me- I actually used to cut more frequently when I forced myself to smile through every day and make sure that I never, ever acknowledged anything I felt - especially feeling sorry for myself. Well, the truth is this- I have been through more than my fair share of abuse, sadness and selfish, dishonest individuals who would like to rape me of what little self I have preserved somehow. And yes, that makes me feel pretty awful and I am very sorry, because I DON"T deserve that, and never did.

You have every right to feel awful and no you didn't deserve any of the abuse you endured. But I have struggled with depression for the last 10 years of my life, so I do know a thing or two about self-pity. And the thing I've learned most, even though I may not always practice it, is that it doesn't bring me closer to joy or recovery from my disease. It's comfortable because you've become used to it. Self-pity also keeps your wrapped in yourself, rather than helping others, which ACTUALLY makes you feel better. And you can try to justify cutting to me as I've probably used every excuse to continue it. But in the end you WILL regret it and it is not a healthy form of coping. No doctor would ever prescribe self-mutilation as a way of coping with pain because it only creates more pain There are so many other ways of coping. as I have listed above, that don't perpetuate self-hatred, self-destruction and, yes, self-pity. And pity from others feels comforting, but ultimately it was people who told me the truth, that I needed to get outside myself, take better care of myself and to have hope that helped me the most. You should never want pity from others because then they can only look down on you. You want love and there's nothing wrong with that, but you have to love yourself first. And if you're feeling sorry for yourself, would a loved one feeling sorry for you cut your body to try to make you feel good? Treat yourself like you'd treat someone else with depression; nurture yourself.

I know you mentioned in a previous thread you were still drinking. If that's the case, my words or any others' words won't mean a thing, and the depression will not get better, until you get sober, whichever way is best. If not you might cut yourself to oblivion and end up in the gutter, grasping an empty bottle. Then people won't have pity for you, just lots of grief and anger. If you can't try to reach for recovery for yourself, do it for someone else.

[zoomer]

My daughter who is now 19 use to cut too. We had tried everything to get her to stop. It was a fad in school and everyone cut,so my daughter had to be the best cutter. The she got a boyfriend and he convenced her to stop. Thats the only good thing I can say about her old boyfriend. Anyway she talks to me and she said it was the most stupiest thing she ever did. She said people give her weird looks when they see her arms. I'm sure when she goes for job interviews people notice and that is why it's hard for her to get a job. It use to break my heart when i saw those cuts and I would feel guilty that it was something I did to make her act out that way. She was never sexually abuse,but I did spank her and yell at her when she was younger. She was also on drugs at the time when her cutting got real bad. I hope you find something or someone to help you not to cut any more. When my daughter was doing it, it was like it was it's own addiction on top of the drugs. If your still drinking, it may trigger your cutting too. Just a thought.

[eoghanacht]

Of Course you don't (and didn't)- deserve it, deerwalk. I'm sorry for your pain.
Just don't let the cuts get infected, that's all.
And, are you seeing a counsellor/psych worker?


take care



me

[deerwalk]

No, I'm not seeing anyone. It never helps. It only makes me feel like there's more money down the drain, for yet another who does not, cannot understand. I am feeling slightly better today, if a bit sad.

[deerwalk]

I have a few things to contend with. Trichotillomania is a source of great pain and loss for me. Imagine not having a full head of hair for 16 years. It's devastating to one's sense of worth and femininity. Years and years of hats, scarves, shaving my head, hiding, fearing rain or wind or the simple act of resting my head on a pillow without my hair moving and someone seeing a bare patch... Avoiding job interviews, all number of occasions and proper relationships because of this nullifying condition... Do a quick search on the internet and you'll see. You'll notice on my pic I have very short hair. I now have quite a bit of premature gray and white hair from pulling it out, and most devastatingly, it's now quite thin on top. It's as if the window on my chance at ever looking attractive, feeling good and looking good and most of all feminine- has closed forever. Not that I expect anyone to even remotely understand. It's simply devastating. I no longer feel human.

[Bamboozle]

DW, I don't understand your condition, but I have an acne problem.

I can't hide my face and it's all over my upper body. I can treat it as best as I can, but it doesn't go away. Redness and puss-filled blemeshes....and scars. I feel gross.

I don't like touching my skin. I'm jealous of people who have good skin. I'd give anything to have average skin.

I don't know how to feel about it right now because I'm ignoring it, except for when I put medicine on it. I'm doing my best to shift my attention elsewhere....I'd like to lose some weight.

Please find someone to talk to. Maybe try groups instead of one on one therapy? Keep trying.

[deerwalk]

Thanks Bam... I'm sorry to hear that, that's just not fair. Well I keep entertaining the fantasy that a proper diet and sobriety will bring back a little life to my hair. Maybe we can embark on a diet of sorts together. What's good for the skin and hair... I have been verging on veganism this summer, and making more and more sure to get my 5 servings of veggies and/or fruit each day.

[eoghanacht]

deerwalk, I'm sorry for your pain, like I said yesterday. I was only trying to help, that's all. I'm glad that you are feeling slightly better than yesterday. I'm also sorry that you have trichotillomania. I too have numerous issues to deal with, including ptsd, major/clinical depression, one other personality disorder still to be clarified/defined, severe acne scarring same as bam, excema getting worse on my so-called face, a partner who isn't very supportive at my 'worst' times, living in a s**thole of an area, a sister who doesn't talk to me, insomnia, regular nightmares, flashbacks, social anxiety, anxiety/panic attacks, trembling mouth and legs at unspecific times. Think that's it.




me.

[TakingCharge999]

hey deerwalk remember me ? i was dreamer999 and we used to chat this time last year.

I know you are an artist and I am too but been depressed for so many years to even do a little drawing. It is so hard for me, I know I got tons of ideas and are creative and YES CREATIVE PEOPLE RULE!! yet I do not give myself the chance....

Have you tried to express how you feel in paintings, sculpture, writing or whatever?

I am sorry you are harming yourself. You made me remember the ex boyfriend that brought me to SR due to his raging alcoholism, he used to burn himself and I never got why he did it....

If you want something else for your life... you have to do different things... if you want to keep the status quo.. just keep doing what you are doing. It is solely your decision...

I too have been abused, etc, but I try to think the perpetrators have been harmed themselves too and ultimately what they did to me is nothing compared to the suffering they bring inside and are bringing to themselves with those actions... EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO YOU... so you just got to have faith God-HP knows why it all happened... and somehow it all makes sense and some day we will have the answers...

I am just rambling but I care a lot about you.

[Bamboozle]

Yeah, DW.

I need to go on a diet. I need to cut out some of the crap I consume.

I have a weakness for junk...and I get in too much artificial sweetener. I'd like to cut out much of the artificial crap.

I have a lot to work on...for me, food is more difficult to deal with than alcohol.

[deerwalk]

Hi Taking Charge good to see you again. I am trying different things, meditation being the main one. It's not a panacea. I guess it's all I have for the time being. I am definitely very depressed.

[herowmr]

Thanks for Sharring