Depressed again

[OceanBound]

Hi guys,

This is a cross-post from Secular. I figure it won't hurt to ask in both places. Sorry this could be long…

Some of you know that I recently relapsed after 4 months and have not been able to keep it under control for over 2 weeks. I get very drunk (alone), then very sick, then slightly better, then very drunk again. A typical story I suppose. I don’t think alcohol is the main problem. Depression is. I’ve felt this pull towards severe depression again for a while. So my recent drinking was more like acting out. I couldn’t just watch myself slipping into a new episode slowly but surely.

I’ve gone thru severe episodes before. Been on meds once, never again after they fvcked my brain and my body real good, and that was the drug that actually worked. Been in therapy, learned a few tricks, uncovered a lot of unresolved issues, dealt with them with some success. I am not dismissing going to see a shrink again but I’m not even sure what I’d say. I’m in the best physical shape I’ve been in years; my self-confidence is as high as it’s ever been (guess not high enough). I’m dealing with a very unfortunate living/career situation that is dragging me down ever day but that won’t change until at least next summer. I work out most days, have some hobbies but they bring me no joy. I don’t have any close friends where I live now but I do try to talk to my friends on the phone and go see them whenever I can.

I am not exactly sure what the purpose of my post is. I woke up feeling so desperate and after crying for an hour I just had to do something, anything to cling to hope. I am trying to avoid getting so low that I would google the best suicide method again.

I won’t be able to check the responses until later tonight (gotta go to work) but I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice. I’ll take virtual hugs too, I’m that low today.

Thanks, gang.
OB

[atomica]

(((((( OB ))))))

i don't have much advice, but i do know exactly how it feels. i'm bipolar, but mostly just depressed a lot. funnily enough, i tend to get very depressed exactly when everything is going fine in my world, with no real complaints. for me it's existential and it just happens. it has all my life, on and off. (i do not believe in god, but on my darkest days i wish i could!)

it sounds like being away from your friends and in a less-than-optimal living and work arrangement are definitely not helping your situation - anyone would find that difficult but especially those of us prone to depression. that's a tough gig.

maybe talking to a therapist wouldn't be the worst idea.. you don't have to know what to say.. you feel really bad, that's enough

all i really can say is just try to remember that this won't last forever. it never does. when i'm at my worst, this helps me ride it out.

i really wish you all the best, i hope it looks up soon.

ae

[mattcake79]

Sorry to hear you're feeling so bad, OB. I can relate to the link you've described between drinking and depression; for some people, drinking can be a symptom of underlying depression. However, you know that drinking will only worsen the situation, in many ways - even though it may not be your main problem, it doesn't help either.

Is there a chance you can accurately identify what are you feeling? I'm not nitpicking, this is something I learnt from my therapist. The word "depression" is used very often, but it means different things to different people. Maybe you're feeling sad, angry, guilty, lonely... If you can ask yourself what you're *really* feeling, there's a much better chance of being able to work through it

BTW, to me "depression" means feeling horribly numb - the only thing that works for me is to get in touch with that numbness, and see where it goes. It usually turns into boiling anger.

You did mention despair and suicide; if this gets worse, please call your local suicide hotline immediately - there is a very high chance that they'll be able to help. The Samaritans helped me a lot several years ago.

I agree with Atomica. Being away from friends can be tough. Have you thought about joining some sort of group in your area? Not necessarily AA or a fellowship.. Maybe engaging in an activity that involves more contact with people?

Seeing a therapist is probably a good idea, even if you don't know what you'd talk about with them.

I had a horrible experience with a certain medication, which turned me off treatment for years - my shrink eventually coaxed me into trying meds again, when my depression became uncontrollable, and doing so really helped. Definitely *not* pushing drugs on to you, I'm just sharing my experience. Meds aren't a panacea, and some people simply can't tolerate them.

Sending you lots of hugs - be safe, keep reaching out

[discontentmiser]

VIRTUAL HUG TO ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

[hendershot]

I have been having some trouble along the lines of you as well. I would suggest first off, if you have serious depression, the worst thing you can do is drink. Alcohol acts as a depressent--it turns minor depression into serious depression and serious depression into suicide. I know it easier said than done, but out of the myriad of drugs to abuse, alcohol is the worst for you if you are depressed.
If depression really is the root cause, and I guess you would know, then therapy is essential to your recovery. For some people, they stop drinking and the depression vanishes, the 12-steps is enough. Others need more but I would argue you need some kind of 12-stepish recovery program. I go to AA and I don't believe in God, they don't force it down your throat, and if they do go to a diff meeting.
Meds is a personal choice. I recently went on some and I think I want to get off them again. But it is worth exploring, as there are many varieties available, and they help some people.
Try to focus on the good: in yourself, in others, in the world. And it helps me to remember that my perspective is, well, f'd. Take a step back, breathe, and enjoy the moment--it's all we have. I wrote this last bit for me as much as you. Good luck.

[DrKat]

Sometimes a good antidepressant is what it takes to get through a difficult phase. Accepting this help does not mean you have to be on medication forever. It's not unusual for people to have bad reactions to several antidepressants before finding the right one. Since you were on meds only once, no doubt you were on the wrong one.

Remember that depression is a disease that can and should be addressed. Lack of emotional and psychological support can be major contributors to depression. We all need help and support throughout life, as well as the ability to express feelings. Best of luck, OceanBound.

[OceanBound]

Thanks, DrKat and everybody!

About antidepressants, I tried 5 or 6 of them until 1 "worked." I'd have a successful suicide attempt before I go on them again. That's how I feel. If I quit one thing for good in my life, that's it. Side effects, withdrawal, nothing to go back for. I've never been more sure about anything in my life.

Yes, emotional support is very important. However, I do have to hide it from people a lot to protect them or to protect myself from some people's meddling in my life if they learn I'm sick. A couple of people do know the extent of my depression and are supportive. So I'm basically white-knuckling it most of the time. But I've learned a lot from therapy before and I know that severe depression is survivable (this is episode #4, I know by now). I'm just hoping to survive this.

Thanks again,
OB

[ClayTheScribe]

Originally Posted by OceanBound

Thanks, DrKat and everybody!

About antidepressants, I tried 5 or 6 of them until 1 "worked." I'd have a successful suicide attempt before I go on them again. That's how I feel. If I quit one thing for good in my life, that's it. Side effects, withdrawal, nothing to go back for. I've never been more sure about anything in my life.

Yes, emotional support is very important. However, I do have to hide it from people a lot to protect them or to protect myself from some people's meddling in my life if they learn I'm sick. A couple of people do know the extent of my depression and are supportive. So I'm basically white-knuckling it most of the time. But I've learned a lot from therapy before and I know that severe depression is survivable (this is episode #4, I know by now). I'm just hoping to survive this.

Thanks again,
OB

OB, I'm on 4 psych meds and one more to help me to get to the sleep. I hate how they often take away my creativity, my sex drive, how they can numb me, or make me less interesting. I hate how I have to take them at certain times, how tired they make me, etc. What I hate more is being severely/suicidally depressed and out of control. I have heard a few instances where people have overcome depression with antidepressants, but it took them a REALLY long time to recover, time they could've had more of if they put up with a psych med and kept up in therapy. Depression is a chemical imbalance that can be helped with supplements, but not to the extent of antidepressants. Trust me I hate these drugs and the drug companies that push me, but it's better to put up with some side effects than to be running off the top of a building. I'm sorry you'd rather be dead than be on them and that says a lot about the severity of your depression.

I'm not saying you should go on antidepressants again, but know the other route can be a much longer, more treacherous road out. If you have the energy and mental fortitude for that, all power to you. I just don't have that kind of strength.

Don't be afraid to tell your friends about your illness as they usually just want to give support or help, or sometimes it doesn't bother them. I feel it helps them to relate to me better and me to them. Obviously you don't have to tell acquaintances or co-workers, but I found it always helped when I did tell friends 'cause they knew what was going on with me. Would you not tell your friends if you had brain cancer? Maybe, but probably not. It's not your fault if they're hurt because you're sick. And as far as meddling, my parents are about the only ones who "meddle" with my depression and that's not much. Most people, if the love you, just want to be your support.

I'll trust you have severe depression, but like it or not, alcohol always makes it worse. Every time I cut it was because of a bad mix of alcohol, weed and my meds. If you really want your depression to improve, and it will when you stop drinking, you gotta get yourself into detox, a 30-day program, AA, LifeRing, SMARTRecovery and a therapist who specializes in dual diagnosis. The part of you that says it's the depression, not the alcohol, is your alcoholism trying to keep itself in your life. It's crazy how it works like that, but that's how it worked for me. Since I stopped drinking, the 2nd time, I've rarely had suicidal thoughts, purposely hurt myself or been catatonically depressed. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you're sober for a while. I had an interview today for a dream job and I would have never done as well if I drank the day before or the morning of. If you're not going to take antidepressants, then you gotta give up the booze before it drives you to a successful suicide attempt, which none of us here want.

Take care

[Zencat]

Originally Posted by Clay

I'll trust you have severe depression, but like it or not, alcohol always makes it worse.

I haven't been able to treat my depression unless I was treating my addiction at the same time.